Yeah, so a couple of years ago I was turning 60, and I don't like being 60. (Laughter) And I started grappling with this existential angst of what little I had done with my life. It wasn't the resume of breaking this record here, it was more like, who had I become? How had I spent my valuable time? How could this have gone by like lightning? And I couldn't forgive myself for the countless, countless hours I had lost in negative thought -- all the time I had spent beating myself up for losing my marriage and not stopping the sexual abuse when I was a kid and career moves and this and this and this. Just why, why didn't I do it better? Why? Why? Why? And then my mother died at 82. And so I starting thinking, not only am I not happy with the past, now I'm getting choked with, "I've only got 22 years left." What am I going to do with this short amount of time that's just fleeting? And I'm not in the present whatsoever.
是的,两三年前我正进入六十岁, 可是,我不喜欢六十岁。 (笑声) 于是我开始纠结, 纠结于, 生命里缺乏成就的存在的焦虑感。 这可不是关乎履历 或者是破纪录 而主要是,我变成了什么样的人? 我是怎样利用珍贵的时间的? 怎么可能这么快就过了? 好像闪电一般。 我无法原谅自己 花了无数个小时 迷失在 负面的想法里, 一直以来,我深陷在 对失去的婚姻, 对小时候没有被自己阻止的性虐待, 对职业转换, 这样和那样的自责中 为什么?为什么我就不能做得更好一些?为什么?为什么?为什么? 然后,我妈妈在八十二岁时去世了。 于是我开始想, 我不仅仅是对自己的过去不满意, 而且对于自己 只剩下22年的时间也耿耿于怀。 在如此短暂, 几乎是一闪而过的这些时日里,我又将做些什么呢? 我并没有活在当下。
And I decided the remedy to all this malaise was going to be for me to chase an elevated dream, an extreme dream, something that would require utter conviction and unwavering passion, something that would make me be my best self in every aspect of my life, every minute of every day, because the dream was so big that I couldn't get there without that kind of behavior and that kind of conviction. And I decided, it was an old dream that was lingering, that was from so many years ago, three decades ago -- the only sort of world class swim I had tried and failed at back in my 20s -- was going from Cuba to Florida. It was deep in my imagination.
我于是决定,治疗所有这些毛病的方法 就是 让我自己 去追求一个更高远的梦想, 一个挑战极限的梦想, 一件需要用 百分百的决心 和不可动摇的热忱去做的事, 能够让我 做最好的自己, 在人生的每一个方面, 每天的每一分钟里,做最好的自己,这样的一件事。 因为这个梦想太大了, 如果没有那样的行动和决心, 它将无法达成。 于是我决定, 它将是一个长久以来萦绕在我心头的一个梦想。 那是很多年前, 三十年前, 在我二十多岁时, 唯一的一次我尝试了又失败的世界级游泳比赛, 从古巴到佛罗里达。 我一直想象着自己去做这件事。
No one's ever done it without a shark cage. It's daunting. It's more than a hundred miles across a difficult passage of ocean. It's probably, at my speed, at my age -- for anybody's speed at anybody's age -- going to take 60, maybe 70, hours of continuous swimming, never getting out on the boat.
没有人在不用防鲨笼的情况下做到过。 这的确让人害怕。 超过一百多英里的艰难海路, 也许以我的速度,在我的年龄- 或者以任何人的速度、任何年龄- 都需要不间断地游上60, 也许70个小时, 而且中间不上船。
And I started to train. I hadn't swum for 31 years, not a stroke. And I had kept in good shape, but swimming's a whole different animal. As a matter of fact, this picture is supposed to be me during training. It's a smiling face. And when you're training for this sport, you are not smiling. (Laughter) It's an arduous, difficult sport, and I don't remember smiling at any time during this sport. As I said, I respect other sports, and I compare this sport sometimes to cycling and to mountain climbing and other of the expedition type events, but this is a sensory deprivation, a physical duress. And when I started in with the eight hours and the 10 hours and the 12 hours and the 14 hours and the 15 hours and the 24-hour swims, I knew I had it, because I was making it through these.
我开始训练了。 我已经31年没有游泳了,手都没有划一下。 虽然我身材仍然保持得不错,不过这跟游泳完全是两码事。 其实, 这张照片拍的是训练中的我, 这是一张笑脸。 可是,当你进行这样的训练时,你是没法笑出来的。 (笑声) 这是一项艰苦、艰难的运动, 我可不记得我笑过, 我不记得有在训练中的任何一刻笑过。 我说过,我尊重其他的运动, 我有时候把这项运动 跟骑车和登山 或者其他的探险运动相比, 可这项运动是知觉的剥夺, 是肢体的强迫。 当我开始 六个小时,十个小时,十二个小时, 然后十四个小时,十五个小时,二十四个小时地游泳的时候, 我知道我能行。 因为这些我一步步都做到了。
And when I said I'm going to go out and do a 15-hour swim, and we're coming into the dock after a long day and it's now night, and we come in and it's 14 hours and 58 minutes and I can touch the dock and we're done, the trainer says, "That's great. It's 14 hours 58 minutes. Who cares the last two minutes?" I say, "No, it's got to be 15 hours," and I swim another minute out and another minute back to make the 15 hours.
我说我要出去游十五个小时, 当我们经过了漫长的一天回到码头时, 已经是晚上了。 我们回来的时候已经游了十四个小时五十八分钟, 到了码头我们就算是完成了。 教练说:“非常好。 14小时58分钟。那两分钟管它呢。” 我说:“不行,一定要满15个小时。” 我又游出去一分钟,游回来一分钟, 这样加起来总共15个小时。
And I put together an expedition. It's not that I didn't have help, but honestly, I sort of led, I was the team leader. And to get the government permissions, you read in the paper, you think it's easy to get into Cuba everyday? Try going in with an armada like we had of 50 people and five boats and CNN's crew, etc. The navigation is difficult. There's a big river called the Gulf Stream that runs across and it's not going in the direction you are. It's going to the east and you'd like to go north. It's tricky. And there's dehydration. And there's hypothermia. And there are sharks. And there are all kinds of problems. And I gathered together, honestly, the world's leading experts in every possible way.
我组织了这一次探险, 倒不是说我没有其他的帮助, 而是,实际上,我基本上是整个团队的领导。 要得到政府的批准, 你在报纸上可以读到, 你以为古巴是那么容易每天可以随便进去的吗? 带着像我们这样的一支舰队, 包括50个人和5艘船, CNN采访队伍等,去试一下。 导航也困难。 途中会遇到一条“大河”,叫做墨西哥湾暖流, 途中会遇到一条“大河”,叫做墨西哥湾暖流, 它去的不是你要去的方向, 它向东流而你则要向北。 这就棘手了。 然后还有脱水, 体温过低, 还有鲨鱼, 以及各种各样的问题。 我集结了实际上是 各个方面的世界级专家。
And a month ago, the 23rd of September, I stood on that shore and I looked across to that long, long faraway horizon and I asked myself, do you have it? Are your shoulders ready? And they were. They were prepared. No stone left unturned. Was the mind ready? You know, you're swimming with the fogged goggles, you're swimming at 60 strokes a minute, so you're never really focused on anything, you don't see well. You've got tight bathing caps over your ears trying to keep the heat of the head, because it's where the hypothermia starts, and so you don't hear very well. You're really left alone with your own thoughts. And I had all kinds of counting systems ready there in English, followed by German, followed by Spanish, followed by French. You save the French for last.
一个月前, 也就是九月二十三号, 我站在海岸上, 放眼望着 那遥远的地平线 我对自己说, 你已经准备好了吗? 你的肩膀准备好了吗 是的,它们都准备好了。 该准备的已经都准备了。 思想准备好了吗? 要知道,你是透过模糊的泳镜游泳, 你的速度是一分钟60划, 所以根本没法聚焦,看不清楚。 浴帽紧紧地盖着你的两个耳朵, 这是为了给头部保暖, 因为体温过低都是从头部开始, 所以你也听不清楚。 你就这样孤独地只有跟自己的想法在一起。 我有各种各样的数数方法, 有英文的,德文的, 还有西班牙文的,法文的。 法文的得留到最后才用。
And I had songs, I had a playlist in my head -- not through headphones, in my own head -- of 65 songs. And I couldn't wait to get into the dark in the middle of the night, because that's when Neil Young comes out. (Laughter) And it's odd, isn't it? You'd think you'd be singing Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" out in the majesty of the ocean, not songs about heroin addiction in New York City. But no, for some reason I couldn't wait to get into the dark of the night and be singing, ♫ "A heard you knocking at my cellar door ♫ ♫ I love you baby and I want some more ♫ ♫ Ooh, ooh, the damage done" ♫
我还有歌,播放曲目都在我这儿, 不在耳机里,在我自己的脑子里- 一共65首曲子。 我迫不及待地想要进入漆黑的深夜, 因为那是尼尔扬出来的时候。 (笑声) 很奇怪,是不是? 在这壮观的大洋里,你可能以为这时应该唱伦纳德科恩的“哈里路亚”, 在这壮观的大洋里,你可能以为这时应该唱伦纳德科恩的“哈里路亚”, 而不是在纽约染上毒瘾这样的歌。 可是并非如此,不知怎么的, 我就是特别期待进入漆黑的夜, 然后唱起, ♫”我听到你敲着我地窖的门,♫ ♫我爱你宝贝,我还要更多,♫ ♫哦,哦,伤害已经造成“♫
(Applause)
(掌声)
The night before I started, I finished Stephen Hawking's "The Grand Design." And I couldn't wait to trip the mind fantastic. About the 50th hour, I was going to start thinking about the edge of the universe. Is there an edge? Is this an envelope we're living inside of, or no, does it go onto infinity in both time and space? And there's nothing like swimming for 50 hours in the ocean that gets you thinking about things like this. I couldn't wait to prove the athlete I am, that nobody else in the world can do this swim. And I knew I could do it.
我在启程的前一夜 看完了史蒂文·霍金的《大设计》, 我迫不及待地想要 开始这神奇的精神之旅。 在第五十个小时的时候, 我开始思考宇宙的边缘。 宇宙真的有边缘吗? 我们是不是住在一个有边界的时空里, 或者,它是不是在时空上无限延伸的呢? 没有任何事情比在大洋里游五十个小时 更让你能够思考这些事情。 我迫不及待地想要证明自己是个独一无一二的运动员, 这个世界上没有其他人能够像我这样游泳, 而且我知道我能行。
And when I jumped into that water, I yelled in my mother's French, "Courage!" And I started swimming, and, oh my God, it was glassy. And we knew it, all 50 people on the boat, we all knew this was it, this was our time. And I reminded myself a couple hours in, you know, the sport is sort of a microcosm of life itself. First of all, you're going to hit obstacles. And even though you're feeling great at any one moment, don't take it for granted, be ready, because there's going to be pain, there's going to be suffering. It's not going to feel this good all the way across. And I was thinking of the hypothermia and maybe some shoulder pain and all the other things -- the vomiting that comes from being in the saltwater. You're immersed in the liquid. Your body doesn't like the saltwater. After a couple of days, three days, you tend to rebel in a lot of physical ways.
于是我跳进水里, 用和我妈妈一样口音的法语高喊着,”勇气!” 然后我开始游了。 天哪,水可真清。 而且我们知道,船上的50个人都知道, 我们知道, 这是我们的时刻。 过了一两个小时,我提醒自己, 你知道,这项运动犹如生活的缩影, 首先,你将会遇到障碍。 即使你在任何时候都感觉很好, 不要掉以轻心,做好准备, 因为将会有痛苦,你将会受苦, 不会让你从头到尾都感觉良好。 我想着可能会体温过低, 还有可能的肩膀疼痛, 还有所有的其他事情- 因为浸泡在海水里而呕吐。 你整个儿浸在水里, 你的身体不习惯海水。 几天之后,三天之后, 你的身体 开始反抗。
But no, two hours in, wham! Never in my life ... I knew there were Portuguese men o' war, all kinds of moon jellies, all kinds of things, but the box jellyfish from the southern oceans is not supposed to be in these waters. And I was on fire -- excruciating, excruciating pain. I don't know if you can still see the red line here and up the arm. Evidently, a piece this big of tentacle has a hundred-thousand little barbs on it and each barb is not just stinging your skin, it's sending a venom. The most venomous animal that lives in the ocean is the box jellyfish. And every one of those barbs is sending that venom into this central nervous system. So first I feel like boiling hot oil, I've been dipped in. And I'm yelling out, "Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Help me! Somebody help me!" And the next thing is paralysis. I feel it in the back and then I feel it in the chest up here, and I can't breathe. And now I'm not swimming with a nice long stroke, I'm sort of crabbing it this way. Then come convulsions.
但是,开始后的两个小时, 哇!这可从来没发生过...... 我知道那里有僧帽水母(又名葡萄牙战舰), 各式各样的海月水母,还有其他各种各样的水母。 但是南部洋域的盒水母 是不应该出现在这里的。 (被蛰了以后)我身上像着了火- 无法忍受,无法忍受的痛。 我不知道你们还能不能看到, 这条红色的线从这里一直到手臂上。 一条巨大的盒水母的触角, 上面有千百个小倒钩, 每个倒钩不仅蜇你的皮肤, 而且还会注射毒液 海洋生物中最毒的 就是这盒水母 而且每一个倒钩 把毒液传到中枢神经系统。 所以一开始我觉得全身好像 浸在沸油里 我大叫起来:“火!火!火!火! 帮我!快来帮我!” 接下来就是麻痹。 首先是背部,接下来就是自胸部向上, 我无法呼吸, 现在我已经不是在优雅舒展地划水了, 我好像蟹一样地这样游着。 接着就是抽搐。
A young man on our boat is an EMT. He dives in to try to help me. He's stung. They drag him out on the boat, and he's -- evidently, I didn't see any of this -- but lying on the boat and giving himself epinephrine shots and crying out. He's 29 years old, very well-built, lean, he's six-foot, five, weighs 265 lbs., and he is down. And he is crying and he's yelling to my trainer who's trying to help me. And he's saying, "Bonnie, I think I'm going to die. My breath is down to three breaths a minute. I need help, and I can't help Diana."
我们船上的一个年轻人是急救员,他跳进水里来救我。 结果也没蜇伤了。 他们把他从水里拖上船, (当然,我没有看到这些)他只能躺在船上, 给自己注射肾上腺素 并且大声哭喊着。 他29岁, 身体很棒,肌肉结实,六尺五的身材, 265磅。 却倒在那里, 哭着, 对正在想办法帮我的教练喊着, 他说,“邦尼,我想我快要完蛋了。 我的呼吸只有一分钟三次。 我需要帮助,我不能帮助戴安娜了。”
So that was at eight o'clock at night. The doctor, medical team from University of Miami arrived at five in the morning. So I swam through the night, and at dawn they got there and they started with prednisone shots. I didn't get out, but was in the water taking prednisone shots, taking Xanax, oxygen to the face. It was like an ICU unit in the water. (Laughter) And I guess the story is that even Navy SEALS who are stung by the box jelly, they're done. They either die or they quickly get to a hospital.
那时是晚上八点, 迈阿密大学的医生和医疗队 早上五点才到的。 我游了整晚。 破晓时分他们到了,开始给我打强的松(肾上腺皮质激素)。 我没有离开水里, 而是在水中接受注射,服用赞安诺, 带上氧气面罩。 这好象是水中的重症监护室。 这好象是水中的重症监护室。 (笑声) 总而言之, 就算是海豹突击队被箱型水母蜇到, 他们也完蛋了。 他们不是死就是要赶紧送医院。
And I swam through the night and I swam through the next day. And the next night at dusk, again, wham! The box jelly again -- all across the neck, all across here. And this time, I don't like it, I didn't want to give into it, but there's a difference between a non-stop swim and a staged swim. And I gave in to the staged swim. And they got me out and they started again with the epinephrine and the prednisone and with the oxygen and with everything they had on board. And I got back in. And I swam through that night and into the next day. And at 41 hours, this body couldn't make it. The devastation of those stings had taken the respiratory system down so that I couldn't make the progress I wanted. And the dream was crushed.
而我游了整个晚上,第二天还接着游。 第二天黄昏的时候, 又一次,我靠! 又是盒水母!! 整个脖子,整个一圈。 这一次, 我真的不喜欢,但是我没有被它吓倒。 然而,持续地游 和分阶段地游是有区别的。 我没办法, 只能换成分阶段游。 他们把我弄出水来,又开始 给我用肾上腺素和强的松, 还有氧气和船上所有能用的, 然后我又回到水里, 接着又游了整个晚上,持续到第二天。 在第四十一个小时的时候, 我的这个身体支持不住了。 让人痛苦不堪的这些蜇伤 让我的呼吸系统不灵了, 所以我无法继续自己想要的行程。 我的梦想破碎了。
And how odd is this intelligent person who put this together and got all these world experts together. And I knew about the jellyfish, but I was sort of cavalier. A lot of athletes have this, you know, sort of invincibility. They should worry about me. I don't worry about them. I'll just swim right through them. We've got benadryl on board. If I get stung, I'll just grin and bear it. Well there was no grin and bearing this.
奇怪啊, 难道不是这个有头脑的人把这一切都布置好, 把所有这些世界级的专家都集结到一块儿, 而且,我也知道有水母, 可我有点像骑士, 很多运动员都这样,你知道, 有点觉得自己所向披靡, 那些水母应该担心我,我不用担心它们。 我会直接游过去,穿越它们。 我们船上有抗过敏药,如果我被蜇了,我可以咬牙忍住。 可惜这里没有咬牙忍住这回事。
As a matter of fact, the best advice I got was from an elementary school class in the Caribbean. And I was telling these kids, 120 of them -- they were all in the school on the gymnasium floor -- and I was telling them about the jellyfish and how they're gelatinous and you can't see them at night especially. And they have these long 30 to 40 to 50-ft. tentacles. And they do this wrapping. And they can send the poison into the system.
事实上,我听过的最好的建议 来自加勒比地区一个小学的课堂上 来自加勒比地区一个小学的课堂上 我当时正在告诉那些孩子们,总共120个, 他们都坐在体操室的地上, 我给他们讲水母, 讲它们如何柔软透明, 你如何看不见它们,尤其在晚上。 它们有30到40,甚至50尺长的触角. 它们有30到40,甚至50尺长的触角. 他们可以把你裹起来, 然后把毒液注入你的身体系统。
And a little kid from the back was like this. And I said, "What's your name?" "Henry." "Henry, what's your question?" He said, "Well, I didn't have a question so much as I had a suggestion." He said, "You know those guys who really believe in what they believe in and so they wear bombs?" And I said, "Well it's odd that you've learned of this as a noble kind of pursuit, but yeah, I know those guys." He said, "That's what you need. You need like a school of fish that would swim in front of you like this." (Laughter) "And when the jellyfish come and they wrap their tentacles around the fish, they're going to be busy with them, and you'll just scoot around." I said, "Oh, it's like a suicide army." He said, "That's what I'm talking about. That's what you need."
一个坐在后排的男孩就这样。 我说:“你叫什么名字?”“亨利。” “亨利,你有什么问题?” 他说:“嗯,我其实倒不是有什么问题, 我有个建议。” 他说:“你知道 那些特别相信自己所相信的那些人, 他们身上带着炸弹?” 我说:“奇怪你觉得他们这是种 高尚的追求,不过,对,我知道你说的那些人。” 他说:“那就是你需要的。 你需要一大群鱼 就像这样游在你的前面。” (笑声) “当水母来的时候,它们就会用触角裹住那些鱼, 当水母忙着对付这些鱼的时候, 你就可以赶快趁机跑掉。” 我说:“哦,那就跟自杀部队一样啊。” 他说:“就是这个!这就是你需要的。”
And little did I know, that you should listen to eight year-olds. And so I started that swim in a bathing suit like normal, and, no joke, this is it; it came from the shark divers. I finished the swim like this. I was swimming with this thing on. That's how scared of the jellyfish I was.
我当时一点都不知道, 我应该听的正是这个八岁小孩的话。 我就这样开始游泳, 穿着普通的泳衣, 不骗你,就是这样!这是从鲨鱼潜水员那里来的。 我结束的时候就这样。 我戴着这个游泳。 可见我有多怕水母。
So now what do I do? I wouldn't mind if every one of you came up on this stage tonight and told us how you've gotten over the big disappointments of your lives. Because we've all had them, haven't we? We've all had a heartache. And so my journey now is to find some sort of grace in the face of this defeat. And I can look at the journey, not just the destination. I can feel proud. I can stand here in front of you tonight and say I was courageous. Yeah.
现在我怎么办? 我不介意 你们每个人今晚都能上台来告诉我, 告诉我们如何放下生命里巨大的失望, 因为我们都曾有过,不是吗? 我们都经历过心痛。 所以我现在所要的 就是在失败面前 找到体面。 这样我就能把它当作是种经历, 而不是目标来看待。 我就可以骄傲。我可以在今晚站在大家面前 说,我很勇敢。 是的。
(Applause)
(掌声)
Thank you.
谢谢你们。
And with all sincerity, I can say, I am glad I lived those two years of my life that way, because my goal to not suffer regrets anymore, I got there with that goal. When you live that way, when you live with that kind of passion, there's no time, there's no time for regrets, you're just moving forward. And I want to live every day of the rest of my life that way, swim or no swim. But the difference in accepting this particular defeat is that sometimes, if cancer has won, if there's death and we have no choice, then grace and acceptance are necessary.
而且,用我所有的真诚,我可以说, 我很高兴我那两年的日子是这样过来的, 因为我的目标是不再后悔, 我达到了这个目的。 当你这样活着,当你用这样的激情活着的时候, 你没有时间,没有时间来后悔。 你只是勇往直前。 我要用这样的方式来过人生接下来的每一天, 不管是游泳还是不游泳。 但是 承认这个失败的区别是 有时候, 如果癌症赢了, 如果死亡无法避免, 那么就优雅地接受, 这是必须的。
But that ocean's still there. This hope is still alive. And I don't want to be the crazy woman who does it for years and years and years, and tries and fails and tries and fails and tries and fails, but I can swim from Cuba to Florida, and I will swim from Cuba to Florida.
但是海洋还在那里, 我们的希望依旧活着。 我不想像个疯女人, 一年又一年地 去尝试,失败,尝试,失败,尝试,失败。 但是我可以从古巴游到佛罗里达, 我一定会从古巴游到佛罗里达!
Thank you. Thank you.
谢谢大家。 谢谢大家。
(Applause)
(掌声)
Thank you.
谢谢大家。
(Applause)
(掌声)
And so, what after that? Are you going to swim the Atlantic? No, that's the last swim. It's the only swim I'm interested in. But I'm ready. And by the way, a reporter called me the other day and he said he looked on Wikipedia and he said he saw my birthday was August 22nd 1949, and for some odd reason in Wikipedia, they had my death date too. (Laughter) He said, "Did you know you're going to die the same place you were born, New York City, and it's going to be in January of '35?" I said, "Nope. I didn't know." And now I'm going to live to 85. I have three more years than I thought.
然后做什么呢? 你还想要横渡大西洋? 不是,那是最后一次。 这是我唯一感兴趣的游泳。 但是我已经准备好了。 顺便提一句,有个记者那天打电话给我, 他说他看过维基百科, 说我的生日是1949年8月22号, 而且不知怎的, 在维基百科上,他们还有我死亡的日期。 (笑声) 他说,“你知道吗,你将死于你出生的城市,纽约。” 而且是在2035年的一月份?” 我说:“不,我不知道。” 现在我可以活到85岁了, 比我自己原先想的还要多三年。
And so I ask myself, I'm starting to ask myself now, even before this extreme dream gets achieved for me, I'm asking myself, and maybe I can ask you tonight too, to paraphrase the poet Mary Oliver, she says, "So what is it, what is it you're doing, with this one wild and precious life of yours?"
于是我问自己, 我现在开始问自己, 甚至在这个梦想 实现之前, 我问自己, 或许今晚我也可以问你们, 换用诗人 玛丽·奥利弗的话来说 她说:“要做什么, 你打算为你 奔放而珍贵的生命做些什么?”
Thank you very much.
非常感谢大家。
(Applause)
(掌声)
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
谢谢,谢谢。 谢谢,谢谢。
(Applause) Live it large. Live it large.
(掌声) 活得远大!活得精彩!