When I was six years old, our house caught fire, and my mother died. It was a cold February night in Michigan. Our chimney had recently been fixed, so we had a warm fire going in the fireplace. My younger sister and I were sitting next to our dog and coloring with a brand-new box of colored pencils, when Mom said it was time for bed. We'd planned to go up north that night for a weekend of snowmobiling and sledding, but it was already dark and snowing outside, so we decided to leave the next morning instead. We went upstairs, brushed our teeth, climbed into bed, my sister's room right next to the stairs, and mine at the far end of the hallway. Our parents tucked us in and kissed us good night then left the door open just a crack, and the hallway light on, as it always was. In the middle of the night, I woke up sweating, confused because I couldn't see that hallway light. I started shouting for my parents until finally, I heard words that I'll never forget: "Dave, it's a fire!"
我六歲時, 我們的房子失火了, 我的母親因此喪命。 那是密西根一個寒冷的二月夜晚。 我們的煙囪才剛修過, 所以我們在壁爐中點了溫暖的爐火。 我和妹妹坐在狗旁邊, 正在用一盒全新的彩色鉛筆畫畫, 那時,母親說該上床了。 我們本來打算在那晚北上, 用乘雪橇玩雪車來過週末, 但天色已暗,且外面在下雪, 所以我們決定改成隔天早上再出發。 我們上樓、刷牙、爬上床, 我妹妹的房間就在樓梯旁邊, 我的房間則遠在走廊的底端。 我們的父母哄我們入睡, 親吻我們,道了晚安, 接著把門帶上,留下一道門縫, 沒有關走廊的燈,向來都是如此。 在半夜時,我滿身大汗地醒來, 我很困惑,因為我看不見走廊的燈。 我開始大叫爸媽, 直到我終於聽見了 我永生難忘的一句話: 「戴夫,失火了!」
We later found out that our fire from earlier had burned through an unrepaired crack in the chimney, causing the fireplace doors to explode and fire to just pour into the living room. I remember my mom running down to my sister's room, frantically searching for her and finally finding her on the floor. I crawled after her on my hands and knees, trying not to breathe in the smoke. I remember standing next to my sister's room, trying to turn on that hallway light, but it was already on; I just couldn't see it because the smoke was so thick. I remember feeling the heat of the fire on my skin and hearing the sound of it as it climbed up the stairs.
我們後來才知道,是我們先前的爐火 從煙囪沒有修好的裂縫中延燒出來, 導致壁爐的門爆炸, 火苗立刻灌入客廳中, 我記得我母親衝到我妹妹的房間, 瘋狂地找她, 終於在地板上找到她。 我用雙手和雙膝跟在她身後爬行, 試圖不要吸入煙霧。 我還記得我站在我妹妹的房間旁邊, 試圖打開走廊的燈, 但燈其實已經開了; 只是因為煙霧太濃,我看不見。 我記得我的皮膚 能感受到大火的熱度, 且能聽見火勢爬上樓梯 向上延燒的聲音。
My dad ran down to my bedroom window as an escape route, but it was February, and it was frozen shut. Eventually, he broke the window and pried it open, his arms and hands covered in glass and cuts. He lifted my sister and me onto an awning under the window and told us to shout for help. Not seeing my mom, he considered going back into the fire to find her, but after looking at my sister and me huddled together on that roof and knowing that neither of them may make it out, he stayed with us, calling her name through the window instead.
我父親想要打開 我臥室的窗戶來逃脫, 但那時是二月, 窗戶被冰凍到打不開。 最後,他打破窗戶才將它打開, 他的手臂和雙手都是碎玻璃和割傷。 他把我妹妹和我 送到窗戶下的雨篷上, 叫我們大聲呼救。 因為沒看見我母親, 他考慮要衝回火場去找她, 但看著我和我妹妹 在屋頂上蜷縮成一團, 且知道(一旦去找)很可能 他們兩人都逃不出來, 所以他決定留下陪我們, 只是透過窗戶喊著她的名字。
After a few minutes, a man driving down the street saw the smoke and fire, drove onto our lawn, climbed onto the roof of his car and told us to jump into his arms. We'd never seen him before, and even though he saved our lives, we never saw him again. We were brought over to a neighbor's house while Dad continued to wait on the roof for my mom, reaching his arms and hands through the window and into the fire, calling her name over and over.
幾分鐘後,有名男子開車經過, 看到了煙和大火, 把車開到我們的草皮上, 再爬到他的車頂, 叫我們跳到他懷中。 我們以前沒見過他, 雖然他救了我們的命, 我們從此也沒再見過他。 我們被帶到鄰居家, 我父親仍然在屋頂上等我母親, 把他的手臂和手穿過窗戶, 伸到火中, 不斷叫喊她的名字。
He said later that when the fire department arrived, they carried him down the ladder just as a lower-level window shattered and burst into flames. It took the fire department longer to find my mom. She'd been on the floor of my bedroom the entire time, pinned down by a dresser that had fallen on her leg. We think she went back to look for our dog, but by the time the fire department reached them it was too late. She died on the way to the hospital.
後來,他說,當消防隊抵達時, 他們用梯子把他帶下來, 下面一層的窗戶在那時粉碎, 瞬間陷入火海。 消防隊花了更久才找到我母親。 她一直都倒在我房間的地板上, 衣櫥倒下來壓住了她的腿。 我們認為她是回去找我們的狗, 但當消防隊找到 她和狗時,已經太遲了。 她在被送醫的過程中不治。
Dad was in critical condition, with smoke inhalation and burns and cuts over a third of his body. He spent nearly a month in the hospital, unable to attend Mom's funeral and undergoing multiple, excruciating skin graft surgeries. My sister and I stayed with a neighbor across the street, but we would sit in front of their living room window for hours, just staring at the remains of our burnt home. After a few days, it became evident that we would need to go and stay with some different family friends.
父親的狀況很危急, 他吸入濃煙、有燒傷, 且身體有三分之一都是割傷。 他住院將近一個月, 無法參加母親的葬禮, 還要撐過數次極痛苦的植皮手術。 我和我妹妹待在對街的鄰居家中, 但我們會在他們家的客廳 窗戶前坐好幾個小時, 只是望著我們燒掉的房子。 幾天後,很顯然 我們得要離開,去和不同的親友住。
The next few years were tough. As a single father of two young girls, Dad did his very best to provide for us as we all tried to grieve and recover. We began to move on in this new reality. Dad bought a new house down the street, without a fireplace, and eventually remarried. My sister and I excelled in school. I was a cheerleader, and she rode horses and played in the band. But nothing could stop the gut-wrenching nightmares that haunted me. I would dream of fire, of being trapped in fire with no escape. I remember, and even now I can feel, the sheer panic and the pressure in my chest. Or worse were the dreams where I was outside the fire watching it, trying to save the people inside. I'd wake up gasping for breath, tears running down my face and sobbing.
接下來的幾年很辛苦。 我父親成了兩個小女孩的 單親爸爸,他盡全力把我們養大, 我們大家都在哀悼和恢復。 我們開始在這新的現實中走下去。 父親在同條街買了新房子, 這次沒有壁爐, 後來也再婚了。 我和我妹妹在學校表現出色。 我是啦啦隊長, 她騎馬且在樂團中表演。 但我摧心裂肝的惡夢始終揮之不去。 我會夢到大火, 夢到被困在火場,沒有出路。 我記得,就連現在我還可以感受到 那純粹的慌張和我胸口的壓力。 更糟糕的是夢見我在房子 外面眼睜睜看著大火, 試圖拯救困在裡面的人。 我會上氣不接下氣地醒來, 淚流滿面,啜泣著。
When I was 15, a friend of mine and a very talented artist, painted two abstract portraits for me. One was done in black and white and depicted a scared girl cowering in the corner of a room, shadows surrounding her. The other was a bursting rainbow of color; the girl was in the center of the page, arms open and outstretched, clearly full of joy and happiness. He knew my past, and he knew that I was conflicted and confused, but he had also seen my potential and wanted to show me what he already saw. After a few years, I realized that these two portraits showed two completely different paths before me: a life of fear or the promise and potential for recovery. I had always been drawn to that brighter, more colorful painting, but I wasn't quite sure what it meant for me or how to transform my current mentality into that kind of joy and happiness. So outwardly, I moved on with life -- graduated high school, went to college -- while inwardly, I continued to bounce between the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, like a Ping-Pong ball between those two portraits.
我十五歲時, 我有位朋友是個 很有才華的藝術家, 為我畫了兩幅抽象的畫像。 一幅是黑白的, 畫中是一名害怕的女孩, 蜷縮在房間的角落, 陰影圍繞著她。 另一幅則滿是五顏六色; 女孩在畫面的中間, 張開雙臂,向外伸出, 明顯充滿了喜悅和快樂。 他知道我的過去, 他知道我內心很衝突、困惑, 但他也看見我的潛力, 想讓我知道他看見了什麼。 幾年後,我了解到這兩幅畫像 呈現出我的兩條路, 全然不同的兩條路: 恐懼的人生, 或希望和恢復的潛能。 那幅比較亮、比較彩色的畫 向來很能吸引我, 但我不確定它對我的意有為何, 或者我要如何轉變目前的心態, 找到那種喜悅和快樂。 所以,外表上, 我繼續過我的人生—— 高中畢業,進入大學—— 但內在, 我持續不斷在最高的高點 和最低的低點之間來回彈著, 就像那兩幅畫之間的乒乓球。
In 2004, I went backpacking through Central America with a friend. We spent our first week on the island of Roatán, off the coast of Honduras. After a few days there, my friend and I realized that one of our new local friends was a fire dancer. Neither of us had ever seen fire dancing before, so one night, we decided to go see a show.
2004 年,我去當背包客, 和一名朋友前往中美洲。 我們的第一週待在 宏都拉斯外海的羅阿坦島上, 在那裡待了幾天後, 我朋友和我發現, 我們在當地新交到的朋友 當中有一位火舞者。 我們都從來沒有見過火舞, 所以,有一晚,我們決定去看表演。
We watched, mesmerized, as he and two friends lit these props on fire, threw them in the air and spun them around their bodies. Their moves were deliberate and controlled, yet still graceful and flowing to the music. I was completely entranced. The next day, he offered to teach us how to fire dance, or "spin" -- without fire, of course. He showed us the difference between a fire staff, which is a long piece of wood or aluminum with two Kevlar wicks, and fire poi, which are Kevlar wicks with chains and finger loops. After that first time spinning poi, I knew that this was a hobby that I wanted to continue learning in the hopes that maybe one day, I might be brave enough to try it with fire.
表演讓我們深深著迷, 他和兩名朋友把道具點燃, 把道具丟到空中, 繞著他們的身體轉動。 他們的動作很慎重,控制精準, 但仍然優雅且和音樂完美搭配。 我完全入迷了。 隔天,他提出可以教我們 如何火舞,或「旋轉」—— 當然,不用點火。 他教我們道具的差別,火棍 是長的木或鋁棍,兩頭有火布, 另外還有火鏈, 是火布加上鐵鏈和指環。 在第一次舞動火鏈之後, 我知道這是我想持續學習的嗜好, 希望也許有一天, 我能勇敢到真正嘗試點火。
Now, I can guess what people might be thinking: How was I not terrified and running in the opposite direction? And honestly, I don't know. I think that perhaps being a cheerleader and doing gymnastics and piano while growing up, these activities were very structured and prescribed, whereas this type of flow art seemed like a form of meditation but with a focus on fire, this thing that scared me so deeply for my entire life.
我猜得到大家可能會怎麼想: 我為什麼沒有嚇壞,轉身跑掉? 老實說,我不知道。 我想,也許因為在成長過程中 我當過啦啦隊長,學體操、學鋼琴, 都是非常有結構且有規矩的活動, 而這種流動的藝術 就像是某種形式的冥想, 只是焦點是在「火」, 我一生中一直深深讓我害怕的火。
After that first time practicing, my friend and I cobbled together our own sets of homemade poi using socks, shoelaces and tennis balls. We did not light shoelaces and socks on fire, we just used it for the practice part. But after returning home to Michigan, we decided to buy our own sets of actual fire poi. And after a few months, we decided that we were ready to light them on fire. We bundled up in cotton layers, got a fire extinguisher, wet a towel for safety, prepared our fuel, gave each other a very energetic pep talk and high five and lit those poi on fire.
在練習過第一次之後, 我朋友和我一起手工製作 我們的火鏈組, 用的是襪子、鞋帶,和網球。 我們並沒有把鞋帶和襪子拿來點火, 只是把它們拿來練習用。 但在返回密西根之後, 我們決定購買我們自己的火鏈組。 幾個月後, 我們決定該是點火的時候了。 我們將棉層紮在一起, 拿來了一個滅火器, 將毛巾弄濕以防萬一,準備好燃料, 精力充沛地跟彼此說一段 鼓勵士氣的話,互相擊掌, 接著就把火鏈點燃。
It was terrifying. Half of my brain was freaking out and thinking, "OK, wait -- maybe we need to think about this. We should probably stop." The sound of the fire as it whooshed by my head was incredibly loud and brought me right back to my childhood. But it was also incredibly exhilarating. The other half of my brain, the creative half, was thinking, "I can't believe it! I'm a fire dancer."
那很可怕。 我有半個腦子都嚇壞了, 想著:「好,等等—— 也許我們要三思而後行。 我們應該罷手比較好。」 當火從我頭旁邊 掃過去時聲音相當大, 立馬把我帶回了童年的記憶。 但同時也很讓人振奮。 我的另一半腦子, 創意的那一半,在想: 「我無法置信!我是火舞者。」
For anyone who spins, there's a level of adrenaline or that rush of fire dancing. But as someone whose life had been so greatly impacted by fire, I also felt an immense sense of empowerment at being able to control and manipulate fire.
任何旋轉的人都會分泌腎上腺素, 或者那火舞的奔湧感。 但身為一個人生 受到大火嚴重衝擊的人, 我也感到自己擁有強大的力量, 能夠控制、操縱火。
I made a conscious decision to step out of my grief. It was not easy. There's a Nirvana lyric that says "I miss the comfort of being sad," and that was exactly it. I was in control of my sadness. I knew what it would bring to me, and I knew what to expect, but I also knew deep down that eventually, I had to do that really hard work of trying to heal from my past.
我做了有意識的決定, 要步出我的悲痛。 那並不容易。 超脫樂團有一句歌詞是 「我想念感到悲傷時的舒適」, 就是這種感覺。 我能控制我的悲傷。 我知道它會帶給我什麼, 我知道要期待什麼, 但我內心深處也知道,最終, 我得非常努力療癒, 從我的過去走出來。
So I kept practicing. I took a plastic grocery bag, cut it into strips, tied it to the ends of those poi and used it to replicate the sound of the fire as it went past my head. And I kept lighting the poi on fire. At some point, something shifted. My perspective on fire dancing changed from something that I was apprehensive about to something that brought me a sort of peace.
所以我持續練習。 我拿雜貨店的塑膠袋,裁成帶狀, 綁在火鍵的末端, 用它們來彷製火掃過 我的頭旁邊時發出的聲音。 我持續將火鍵點燃。 在某個時點,轉變發生了。 我對火舞的觀點改變了, 從我憂慮的東西, 變成了帶給我寧靜的東西。
Without realizing it, I had initiated my own form of exposure therapy, an actual type of psychotherapy where you deliberately expose yourself to things that have caused you trauma or scare you. I'd exposed myself to fire in this very unique way and had transformed what it meant to me. My nightmares slowed down and now, years later, have stopped almost completely. I started fire dancing not just for myself but at events and performances. I started a fire troop with friends while living in Dubai, created beautiful art with my sister who became a photographer, taught children how to spin at birthday parties, performed onstage and at festivals and even taught my own children the basics of spinning.
不知不覺間, 我展開了我自創式的暴露治療法, 它是種真的心理治療法, 刻意將你自己暴露在 造成你創傷或讓你恐懼的事物中。 我用這種非常獨特的方式 將自己暴露在火中, 轉變了火對我的意義。 我的惡夢緩解了, 數年過去,現在我幾乎不再做惡夢了。 我開始不只為自己火舞, 也去做活動、表演。 住在杜拜時,我和朋友 成立了一個火舞團, 和我妹妹一起創作美麗的藝術, 她後來成了攝影師, 在生日派對上教導孩子如何做旋轉, 在節慶活動時在舞台上表演, 最後還教我自己的孩子旋轉的基礎。
And that's not to say that I don't still have an apprehension to fire in general. I can practice a move a million times, but then when I try it with fire, I feel that familiar panic and tightening in my chest. I'm still apprehensive about living in a two-story house or having a fireplace. Every night before I go to sleep, I clear a path between my kids' bedroom doors, our bedroom door and all the exit doors, in case we need to leave quickly. And it's taken me a long time to get on board with the idea of closing bedroom doors at night to slow down a fire, because I'd always thought if I closed my kids' bedroom doors, I might not be able to hear them like my mom heard me.
並不是說我大體上就不再怕火了。 一個動作,我可以練習一百萬次, 但當我點火再來做時, 我的胸口仍然會感到 熟悉的慌張和緊繃。 我仍然會怕住在兩層樓的房子裡, 也會怕有壁爐的房子。 每晚,我睡覺前, 我會確保孩子的臥室門、 我們的臥室門,及所有 出口之間是暢通的, 以免我們需要快速離開。 我花了很長的時間才能認同 晚上把臥室房門關上 可以減緩大火延燒的觀念, 因為我總是認為, 如果關上孩子臥室的房門, 我可能就無法像我母親當初 聽見我叫喊一樣聽見他們。
And of course, this is my story. I can't say that I have the answer for someone with a different kind of trauma. If the situation had been reversed, and I'd lost a child in a fire, I'm not sure that fire dancing would be the answer, or if I'd even have the capacity to get near fire again. But what I can say from my own experience is that after experiencing a trauma or hardship, you have a choice between two paths. One path will lead you to a life of fear and cowering in the darkness, like that black-and-white painting I described earlier. You might move on with life, but at the same time, you're still clinging to that sadness that brings you comfort. The other path, stepping out of grief, will not change or undo anything. It will be hard. It will always be hard, with high mountains and deep, dark valleys. But this path looks forward and moves forward.
當然,這是我的故事。 我無法說我的答案 適用受到其他創傷的人。 如果情況反過來, 我在大火中失去了孩子, 我不確定火舞還會是我的答案, 也不確定我會有辦法能再次靠近火。 但根據我自己的經驗,我能說, 在經歷了創傷或困境之後, 你可以在兩條路之間做選擇。 一條路會帶你到恐懼 且抖縮在黑暗中的人生, 就像我先前提到的黑白畫作。 你可能可以繼續過日子,但同時, 你仍然會緊抓著 那帶給你安慰的悲傷。 另一條路,走出悲痛, 不會改變什麼,發生的已經發生。 這條路不好走。 一直都不好走, 有高山, 有黑暗的深谷。 但這條路是向前看、向前行。
When I learned to dance with fire, I learned to reconcile the traumatic part of my life with the totality of my life as it was still unfolding. Fire became more than just trauma but beauty and art as well, everything, all at once, just like life, flickering and smoldering and burning and dazzling, and somehow, in the middle of it, finding a way to dance ... me.
當我學會火舞時, 我學會在我的人生 仍然在持續展開的過程中, 和我人生中創傷的那部分和平相處, 火變成不只是創傷, 也是美,也是藝術, 這雜陳的五味,就像人生, 搖曳不定、悶燒、 燃燒、讓人目眩, 不知怎麼的,在這過程中, 就能找到起舞的方式…… 我。
Thank you.
謝謝。