When I was six years old, our house caught fire, and my mother died. It was a cold February night in Michigan. Our chimney had recently been fixed, so we had a warm fire going in the fireplace. My younger sister and I were sitting next to our dog and coloring with a brand-new box of colored pencils, when Mom said it was time for bed. We'd planned to go up north that night for a weekend of snowmobiling and sledding, but it was already dark and snowing outside, so we decided to leave the next morning instead. We went upstairs, brushed our teeth, climbed into bed, my sister's room right next to the stairs, and mine at the far end of the hallway. Our parents tucked us in and kissed us good night then left the door open just a crack, and the hallway light on, as it always was. In the middle of the night, I woke up sweating, confused because I couldn't see that hallway light. I started shouting for my parents until finally, I heard words that I'll never forget: "Dave, it's a fire!"
在我六岁那年, 我们的家遭受了火灾, 我的母亲也在那场事故中丧生了。 那是密歇根州二月里一个寒冷的夜晚。 我们的烟囱刚修好不久, 所以我们壁炉里有温暖的火。 我和我妹妹坐在我们的狗旁边 用一盒崭新的彩色铅笔画画, 那时妈妈说该睡觉了。 我们正计划到北方 去玩一整个周末的雪地摩托和雪橇。 但是天已经黑了,外面还在下雪。 所以我们决定第二天早上再离开。 我们上了楼,刷了牙,爬进床里。 我妹妹的房间就在楼梯旁边, 我的则在走廊的另一头。 父母给我们盖好被子, 吻我们道晚安。 然后让门只开了一条缝, 走廊的灯还亮着,一如既往。 半夜里,我醒来时满头大汗。 我很困惑,因为我看不到走廊的灯光。 我开始呼喊我的父母 直到最后,我听到了 我永远不会忘记的话: “Dave,着火了!”
We later found out that our fire from earlier had burned through an unrepaired crack in the chimney, causing the fireplace doors to explode and fire to just pour into the living room. I remember my mom running down to my sister's room, frantically searching for her and finally finding her on the floor. I crawled after her on my hands and knees, trying not to breathe in the smoke. I remember standing next to my sister's room, trying to turn on that hallway light, but it was already on; I just couldn't see it because the smoke was so thick. I remember feeling the heat of the fire on my skin and hearing the sound of it as it climbed up the stairs.
后来我们发现我们早先时候的炉火 已经烧穿了烟囱中的裂缝, 并导致壁炉门爆炸 让火焰涌进客厅中。 我还记得我妈妈跑到我妹妹的房间, 疯了似的寻找她, 直到最后发现她躺在地板上。 我用手和膝盖在她后面爬行, 试着不让自己吸入浓烟。 我还记得我站在我妹妹的房间旁边, 试着打开走廊的灯, 但我发现它已经开着了; 我看不见,只是因为烟太浓了。 我还记得我的皮肤能感觉到火的温度 还能听到火势顺着楼梯爬上来的声音。
My dad ran down to my bedroom window as an escape route, but it was February, and it was frozen shut. Eventually, he broke the window and pried it open, his arms and hands covered in glass and cuts. He lifted my sister and me onto an awning under the window and told us to shout for help. Not seeing my mom, he considered going back into the fire to find her, but after looking at my sister and me huddled together on that roof and knowing that neither of them may make it out, he stayed with us, calling her name through the window instead.
我爸爸跑到我卧室的窗户边, 想把窗户作为逃生路线, 但当时是二月,它被冻得紧闭着。 最后,他打破窗户并撬开了它, 他的手臂和双手满是玻璃渣和伤口。 他把我和妹妹抱到窗下的遮阳篷上, 叫我们大声呼救。 因为没看到我母亲, 他考虑过回到火场里去找她, 但看着我和我妹 在屋顶上蜷缩成一团, 他知道如果进去,他俩都出不来了, 他最终还是与我们一起, 隔着窗户喊她的名字。
After a few minutes, a man driving down the street saw the smoke and fire, drove onto our lawn, climbed onto the roof of his car and told us to jump into his arms. We'd never seen him before, and even though he saved our lives, we never saw him again. We were brought over to a neighbor's house while Dad continued to wait on the roof for my mom, reaching his arms and hands through the window and into the fire, calling her name over and over.
几分钟之后, 一个在街上开车的人看见了烟和火。 开到我们的草坪上, 爬上了他的车顶 让我们跳进他的怀里。 我们以前从未见过他, 尽管他救了我们的命, 我们却从此再没见过他。 我们被带到一个邻居的家里, 而父亲则在车顶上继续等着母亲。 把他的胳膊和手透过窗户 伸进火里 一遍又一遍的叫着她的名字。
He said later that when the fire department arrived, they carried him down the ladder just as a lower-level window shattered and burst into flames. It took the fire department longer to find my mom. She'd been on the floor of my bedroom the entire time, pinned down by a dresser that had fallen on her leg. We think she went back to look for our dog, but by the time the fire department reached them it was too late. She died on the way to the hospital.
后来,他说,当消防队抵达 他们把他抬下梯子时, 下层的一扇窗户突然碎了, 还燃起了火焰。 这让消防队花了更多时间 才找到我妈妈。 她被掉在她腿上的梳妆台压住了 一直倒在我卧室的地板上。 我们认为她是回去找我们的狗, 但当消防部门赶到时,已经太迟了。 她在去医院的途中过世了。
Dad was in critical condition, with smoke inhalation and burns and cuts over a third of his body. He spent nearly a month in the hospital, unable to attend Mom's funeral and undergoing multiple, excruciating skin graft surgeries. My sister and I stayed with a neighbor across the street, but we would sit in front of their living room window for hours, just staring at the remains of our burnt home. After a few days, it became evident that we would need to go and stay with some different family friends.
而爸爸情况危急, 吸入浓烟,烧伤, 身体三分之一以上被割伤。 他在医院里住了将近一个月, 无法参加妈妈的葬礼, 并经历了多次痛苦的植皮手术。 我和妹妹则待在街对面的邻居家里, 但我们会在他们客厅的窗户前 坐上几个小时, 只是盯着我们被烧毁的家的残骸。 几天后,很显然 我们需要去和不同的亲友家借住。
The next few years were tough. As a single father of two young girls, Dad did his very best to provide for us as we all tried to grieve and recover. We began to move on in this new reality. Dad bought a new house down the street, without a fireplace, and eventually remarried. My sister and I excelled in school. I was a cheerleader, and she rode horses and played in the band. But nothing could stop the gut-wrenching nightmares that haunted me. I would dream of fire, of being trapped in fire with no escape. I remember, and even now I can feel, the sheer panic and the pressure in my chest. Or worse were the dreams where I was outside the fire watching it, trying to save the people inside. I'd wake up gasping for breath, tears running down my face and sobbing.
接下来的几年是艰难的。 作为一个有两个女儿的单身父亲, 他尽了他最大的努力来供养我们。 我們大家都在哀悼和恢復。 我们开始在新的生活中前进, 爸爸在街那头买了一所新房子, 没有壁炉, 并且再婚了。 我和我妹妹在学校表现优异, 我是啦啦队长, 而她会骑马,在乐队里演奏。 但什么也阻止不了 萦绕在我心头的揪心的噩梦。 我会梦见那场火灾, 梦见被困在火里无法逃生。 我记得,甚至现在我还能感觉到。 极度的恐慌和胸口的压力。 或者更糟的是,在梦里, 我在大火外看着它, 试图拯救里面的人。 我会气喘吁吁地醒来, 泪流满面,抽泣着。
When I was 15, a friend of mine and a very talented artist, painted two abstract portraits for me. One was done in black and white and depicted a scared girl cowering in the corner of a room, shadows surrounding her. The other was a bursting rainbow of color; the girl was in the center of the page, arms open and outstretched, clearly full of joy and happiness. He knew my past, and he knew that I was conflicted and confused, but he had also seen my potential and wanted to show me what he already saw. After a few years, I realized that these two portraits showed two completely different paths before me: a life of fear or the promise and potential for recovery. I had always been drawn to that brighter, more colorful painting, but I wasn't quite sure what it meant for me or how to transform my current mentality into that kind of joy and happiness. So outwardly, I moved on with life -- graduated high school, went to college -- while inwardly, I continued to bounce between the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, like a Ping-Pong ball between those two portraits.
当我十五岁的时候, 我的一个朋友 是个很有天赋的艺术家, 他为我画了两幅抽象画。 一个是黑白的 描绘了一个害怕的女孩 蜷缩在房间的角落里。 阴影包围着她, 另一幅则是五彩缤纷的彩虹; 这个女孩在画面的中央, 张开双臂, 显然充满了快乐和幸福。 他知道我的过去, 他知道我很矛盾、很困惑, 但他也看到了我的潜力, 想让我看看他已经看到的东西。 几年后,我意识到这两幅肖像 向我展示了我两条完全不同的路: 充满恐惧的生活 或者充满希望、充满复苏潜力的生活。 我总是被那幅更明亮、 更丰富多彩的画所吸引。 但我不太确定这对我意味着什么, 也不确定如何把心态 转变成那种快乐和幸福。 所以表面上,我继续生活 -- 高中毕业,进入大学 -- 而内心里 我继续在最高处 和最低处之间弹来弹去, 就像两幅画像之间的一个乒乓球。
In 2004, I went backpacking through Central America with a friend. We spent our first week on the island of Roatán, off the coast of Honduras. After a few days there, my friend and I realized that one of our new local friends was a fire dancer. Neither of us had ever seen fire dancing before, so one night, we decided to go see a show.
2004年,我和一个朋友 去中美洲徒步旅行。 我们在Honduras海岸 附近的Roatán岛度过了第一周。 在那度过几天后, 我和朋友意识到 我们在当地交的一个新朋友是火舞者。 我们俩以前都没见过火舞, 所以一天晚上 我们决定去看一场演出。
We watched, mesmerized, as he and two friends lit these props on fire, threw them in the air and spun them around their bodies. Their moves were deliberate and controlled, yet still graceful and flowing to the music. I was completely entranced. The next day, he offered to teach us how to fire dance, or "spin" -- without fire, of course. He showed us the difference between a fire staff, which is a long piece of wood or aluminum with two Kevlar wicks, and fire poi, which are Kevlar wicks with chains and finger loops. After that first time spinning poi, I knew that this was a hobby that I wanted to continue learning in the hopes that maybe one day, I might be brave enough to try it with fire.
表演让我们深深着迷, 他和两个朋友把这些道具点燃, 将它们扔向天空, 绕着自己的身体旋转。 他们的动作从容而有节制, 优雅而流畅地配合着音乐。 我完全被迷住了。 第二天,他主动提出教我们跳火舞 也就是“旋转”—— 当然,是不用火的。 他教我们两种道具的差别, 火棍是一长块木头或铝, 上面有两个凯夫拉灯芯, 而火链是凯夫拉纤维制成的, 带链条和手指环的灯芯。 第一次舞动火链之后, 我知道这将是一个 我想接着学习的爱好。 希望也许有一天, 我能够有勇气点上火试一试。
Now, I can guess what people might be thinking: How was I not terrified and running in the opposite direction? And honestly, I don't know. I think that perhaps being a cheerleader and doing gymnastics and piano while growing up, these activities were very structured and prescribed, whereas this type of flow art seemed like a form of meditation but with a focus on fire, this thing that scared me so deeply for my entire life.
现在,我能猜到人们会怎么想: 我怎么能不被吓着而转身跑掉呢? 说实在的,我不知道。 我想可能是在成长过程中 我当过拉拉队长,学体操,学钢琴, 是非常有组织、有规定的活动; 对照这种流动的艺术 似乎是一种冥想的仪式, 然而专注于火的这件事 让我害怕了一辈子。
After that first time practicing, my friend and I cobbled together our own sets of homemade poi using socks, shoelaces and tennis balls. We did not light shoelaces and socks on fire, we just used it for the practice part. But after returning home to Michigan, we decided to buy our own sets of actual fire poi. And after a few months, we decided that we were ready to light them on fire. We bundled up in cotton layers, got a fire extinguisher, wet a towel for safety, prepared our fuel, gave each other a very energetic pep talk and high five and lit those poi on fire.
在第一次练习之后 我和朋友拼凑了一套自制的火链, 用袜子、鞋带和网球。 我们没有点燃鞋带或袜子, 我们只是用它来练习。 但回到密歇根后, 我们决定自己买一套真正的火链。 几个月之后, 我们决定把它们点着。 我们把自己裹得严严实实, 准备好灭火器, 还将毛巾弄湿以防万一。 准备好燃料。 在给对方一个充满活力的 打气和击掌后, 我们点燃了那些火链。
It was terrifying. Half of my brain was freaking out and thinking, "OK, wait -- maybe we need to think about this. We should probably stop." The sound of the fire as it whooshed by my head was incredibly loud and brought me right back to my childhood. But it was also incredibly exhilarating. The other half of my brain, the creative half, was thinking, "I can't believe it! I'm a fire dancer."
那很可怕。 我的半个脑袋都被吓呆了 想着,“好吧,等等—— 也许我们需要再考虑一下。 我们也许该停下来了。“ 火在我头顶呼啸而过的声音 大得难以置信, 把我带回到童年时代。 但它也非常令人兴奋。 而我大脑的另一半, 富有创造力的那一半,在想着, “我简直不敢相信!我是火舞者了。”
For anyone who spins, there's a level of adrenaline or that rush of fire dancing. But as someone whose life had been so greatly impacted by fire, I also felt an immense sense of empowerment at being able to control and manipulate fire.
对于任何旋转的人, 都有一定程度的肾上腺素激增 和火舞的冲动。 但作为一个生活被大火深深影响的人, 在能够控制和操纵火的时候 我也感到一种巨大的赋权感。
I made a conscious decision to step out of my grief. It was not easy. There's a Nirvana lyric that says "I miss the comfort of being sad," and that was exactly it. I was in control of my sadness. I knew what it would bring to me, and I knew what to expect, but I also knew deep down that eventually, I had to do that really hard work of trying to heal from my past.
我有意识地做了一个决定, 要走出我的悲伤。 这并不容易。 有一首涅槃乐队的歌词是这样写的: “我怀念悲伤时的安慰“ 就是这种感觉。 我能控制住我的悲伤。 我知道它会给我带来什么, 我也知道该期待什么, 但我也知道,在内心深处,最终, 我必须做一件非常艰难的工作 来试图从过去中恢复过来。
So I kept practicing. I took a plastic grocery bag, cut it into strips, tied it to the ends of those poi and used it to replicate the sound of the fire as it went past my head. And I kept lighting the poi on fire. At some point, something shifted. My perspective on fire dancing changed from something that I was apprehensive about to something that brought me a sort of peace.
所以我坚持练习 我拿了一个塑料购物袋, 把它切成条状, 绑在那些火链的末端。 用它来复制火从我头上经过时的声音。 而且我一直保持那些火链 处在燃烧状态。 在某个时刻,事情发生了变化。 我对火舞的看法改变了, 从我担心的事情 变成了能给我带来平静的事情。
Without realizing it, I had initiated my own form of exposure therapy, an actual type of psychotherapy where you deliberately expose yourself to things that have caused you trauma or scare you. I'd exposed myself to fire in this very unique way and had transformed what it meant to me. My nightmares slowed down and now, years later, have stopped almost completely. I started fire dancing not just for myself but at events and performances. I started a fire troop with friends while living in Dubai, created beautiful art with my sister who became a photographer, taught children how to spin at birthday parties, performed onstage and at festivals and even taught my own children the basics of spinning.
不知不觉中, 我开始了我自创的暴露疗法, 一种真正的心理治疗。 那就是故意把自己 暴露在那些给你造成创伤 或使你害怕的事物中。 我以一种非常独特的方式 把自己暴露在火中, 改变了它对我的意义。 它让我的噩梦缓解了。 而现在,几年过去, 我已经几乎不做噩梦了。 我不仅为自己,而且在各种活动 和表演中开始表演火舞。 住在迪拜时,我和朋友们 成立了一个火舞团; 和我的妹妹一起创造这种美丽的艺术, 她后来成为了摄影师; 在生日派对上教孩子们如何做旋转; 在节庆活动时在舞台上表演; 甚至还教我自己的孩子旋转的基础。
And that's not to say that I don't still have an apprehension to fire in general. I can practice a move a million times, but then when I try it with fire, I feel that familiar panic and tightening in my chest. I'm still apprehensive about living in a two-story house or having a fireplace. Every night before I go to sleep, I clear a path between my kids' bedroom doors, our bedroom door and all the exit doors, in case we need to leave quickly. And it's taken me a long time to get on board with the idea of closing bedroom doors at night to slow down a fire, because I'd always thought if I closed my kids' bedroom doors, I might not be able to hear them like my mom heard me.
这并不是说 我不再怕火了。 尽管练习了上百次的动作, 当我点上火再来做时, 我仍能在我的胸口中 感到熟悉的恐慌和紧张。 我仍然对住在两层楼或有壁炉的房子里 感到不安。 每晚在我睡觉前, 我都会在孩子们卧室的门, 我们的卧室门, 和所有的出口之间清出一条路。 以防我们需要迅速离开。 我也花了很长时间 才接受了晚上关卧室门 来减少火灾的想法。 因为我一直在想, 如果我把孩子们卧室的门关上, 我可能就无法像当初我妈妈 听到我的声音一样,听到他们的声音,
And of course, this is my story. I can't say that I have the answer for someone with a different kind of trauma. If the situation had been reversed, and I'd lost a child in a fire, I'm not sure that fire dancing would be the answer, or if I'd even have the capacity to get near fire again. But what I can say from my own experience is that after experiencing a trauma or hardship, you have a choice between two paths. One path will lead you to a life of fear and cowering in the darkness, like that black-and-white painting I described earlier. You might move on with life, but at the same time, you're still clinging to that sadness that brings you comfort. The other path, stepping out of grief, will not change or undo anything. It will be hard. It will always be hard, with high mountains and deep, dark valleys. But this path looks forward and moves forward.
当然,这是我的故事。 我不能说我的答案对那些 遭受不同创伤的人也管用。 如果情况相反, 我在火灾里失去了孩子的话, 我也不确定当一名火舞者还会是我的答案。 我也不确定我是否有能力再次接近火。 但从我自己的经验来看, 我可以说的是 在经历了创伤和艰辛之后。 你可以在两条道路之间进行选择。 一条路会把你引向恐惧的生活, 让你在黑暗中退缩, 就像我之前描述的那幅黑白画一样。 你可能会继续生活,但同时 你仍然执著于那带给你安慰的悲伤。 另一条路,走出悲伤, 不会改变任何已经发生的事。 而且很艰难, 永远都会是艰难的。 有高山,深谷。 但这条路是向前看的,是向前迈进的。
When I learned to dance with fire, I learned to reconcile the traumatic part of my life with the totality of my life as it was still unfolding. Fire became more than just trauma but beauty and art as well, everything, all at once, just like life, flickering and smoldering and burning and dazzling, and somehow, in the middle of it, finding a way to dance ... me.
当我学会与火共舞时, 我也学会了将生活中受创伤的那部分 与生命中仍在展开的部分相调和。 火变成不仅只是创伤, 也是美,也是艺术, 所有的一切,就像生活一样, 忽隐忽现、阴燃着、 燃烧着、耀眼着。 不知怎的,就在途中, 就能找到起舞的方式… 我。
Thank you.
谢谢。