I first tried online dating my freshman year of college, which was in 2001, in case you can't see my wrinkle. Now, as you may have noticed, I'm six-feet tall, and when I arrived at my chosen university and realized our men's Division III basketball team averaged five-foot-eight, I abandoned the on-campus scene and went online. Now, back then, online dating was pretty close to the plot of "You've Got Mail." You'd write long emails back and forth for weeks, before you finally met up in real life. Except, in my case, you'd realize you have no chemistry and so now, you're back to square one.
Prvi put sam probala sastanke preko neta na svojoj prvog godini fakulteta, što je bilo 2001, u slučaju da ne vidite moju boru. Kao što ste možda primetili, ja sam visoka 183 cm, i kada sam stigla na svoj odabrani univerzitet i shvatila da je naš muški košarkaški tim u proseku visok oko 173cm, napustila sam fakultetsku scenu i prešla na internet. U to vreme, zabavljanje na netu je prilično ličilo na zaplet filma „Stigla vam je pošta”. Razmenjivali biste duge imejlove nedeljama, pre upoznavanja u stvarnom životu. Osim ako, kao u mom slučaju, shvatite da nema hemije i onda ste opet na samom početku.
So, while online dating has changed a lot in the last 17 years, many of the frustrations remain the same. Because here's what it does well. It broadens your pool of potential dates beyond your existing social and professional circles. And here's what it doesn't do well. Literally everything else.
Premda se upoznavanje putem interneta mnogo promenilo u poslednjih 17 godina, mnoge frustracije ostaju iste. Evo u čemu je internet zabavljanje dobro. Imate veći broj potencijalnih ljudi za sastanak izvan svojih postojećih društvenih i profesionalnih krugova. A evo zašto nije dobro. Bukvalno zbog svega ostalog.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
A few things you should know about me: I'm an action-oriented overachieving math and theater nerd, who ended up with an MBA. So, when things aren't working out, I tend to take a step back, apply my business toolkit to figure out why, and to fix it. My love life was no exception.
Par stvari koje treba da znate o meni: ja sam aktivni, preambiciozni zaluđenik za matematiku i pozorište koji je završio sa MBA diplomom. Pa kada nešto nije kako treba, usporim, primenim znanje iz oblasti poslovanja da utvrdim zašto i pokušam to da popravim. Moj ljubavni život nije bio izuzetak.
The summer before I turned 30, I took myself on a relationship off-site. Which means I went camping solo in Maine for a week, to do a retro on my track record of mediocre relationships. Because the thing was, I knew what I wanted in a partner. Kindness, curiosity, empathy, a sense of purpose. And yet, here's what I chose for online: Ivy League degree, six feet or taller, lives within 12 subway stops of me. It's not that I intentionally prioritized those things, it's just the easiest to vet for online. It kind of is like a résumé review, which is why these guys looked great on paper and never quite fit me.
U leto pre nego što sam napunila 30, odlučila sam da se sklonim od sastanaka. To znači da sam sama otišla u Mejn na sedam dana da kampujem, kako bih porazmislila o svojim prethodnim osrednjim vezama. Stvar je bila u tome što sam ja znala šta tražim u partneru. Dobrotu, radoznalost, empatiju, osećaj svrhe. A na internetu sam tražila sledeće: diploma prestižne škole, visina 183 cm ili više, živi u blizini od 12 stanica metroom od mene. Nisam namerno to postavljala kao prioritet, samo je to najlakši način za odluku na mreži. Nekako je poput pregleda biografije, zbog čega svi ovi momci deluju odlično na papiru i nikada mi ne odgovaraju.
So when I went back online in the spring of 2016, I decided to reengineer the process through some classic business tools. First, I went to OkCupid, because I wanted to avoid the gamification of swipe-based apps. And also, because I wanted a writing sample. Next, I set up a sales funnel, throwing out any sense of my type, and instead defining the criteria that would qualify a lead. An inbound message had to do three things: had to be written in complete sentences and with good grammar; it had to reference something in my profile, so I know it's not a copy-and-paste situation; and it had to avoid all sexual content. I figured this was a pretty low bar, but it turns out, of my 210 inbound messages, only 14 percent cleared that hurdle.
Kad sam se vratila na mreže u proleće 2016, odlučila sam da ponovo dizajniram proces pomoću nekih klasičnih alata poslovanja. Prvo sam otvorila nalog na mreži OkCupid, jer sam želela da izbegnem gejmifikaciju aplikacija na prevlačenje. I jer sam želela primer pisanja. Zatim sam postavila „prodajni levak”, izbacila bilo šta što je bilo "moj tip" i umesto toga definisala kriterijume koji će odrediti dobre kandidate. Dolazna poruka je morala da obavlja tri stvari: da bude napisana celim rečenicama i gramatički ispravno; da se odnosi na nešto iz mog profila, tako da znam da se ne radi o situaciji kopiraj i nalepi; i da izbegne bilo kakav seksualni sadržaj. Mislila sam da su to bili niski kriterijumi, ali se ispostavilo se da je od 210 dolaznih poruka samo 14 procenata prelazilo taj stepenik.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Next, I wanted to meet in real life as quickly as possible, because the things I cared about, I couldn't see online. But the research, and my experience, shows you only need about 30 seconds with someone to tell if you click.
Sledeće, želela sam da se što pre upoznamo u realnosti, jer na netu nisam mogla da vidim ono do čega mi je stalo. Ali istraživanje i moje iskustvo pokazuju da vam je potrebno samo oko 30 sekundi sa nekim da vidite da li se slažete.
So I invented the zero date. The zero date is one drink, one hour. With the goal of answering one question: Would I like to have dinner with this person? Not "are they the one"? Literally, "Would I like to spend three hours across the table from this person?" You tell them you have a hard stop -- drinks with girlfriends, a conference call with China -- it doesn't matter, they don't know you. The point is one hour. If it's awesome, you schedule a first date. And if it's not awesome, you downshift into entertainer mode and you workshop a few new stories for your next networking event.
Tako sam izmislila nulti sastanak. To je jedno piće na sat vremena. Sa ciljem da se odgovori na jedno pitanje: da li bih izašla na večeru sa ovom osobom? Ne "da li je to prava osoba"? Bukvalno: "Da li bih želela da provedem tri sata za stolom sa ovom osobom?" Kažete im da imate nekakav rok - piće sa drugaricama, konferencijski poziv sa Kinezima - nije bitno, ta osoba vas ne poznaje. Suština je da traje sat vremena. Ako je super, zakažete prvi sastanak. Ako nije super, spustite se na nivo zabave i pokupite nekoliko priča za neku sledeću zabavu.
Plus, because it's just an hour, you can squeeze up to three in one evening and then you only have to do your hair and pick out one great outfit a week.
Plus, pošto traje samo sat vremena, možete uglaviti do tri sastanka na veče i onda pravite frizuru i odabirate garderobu samo jednom nedeljno.
The zero date also gave me a chance to see how they responded to me asking them out. I figured not everyone would dig my moxie, and I was right. Of my 29 qualified leads, only 15 replied to my message, and of those, six scheduled a zero date.
Nulti sastanak mi je takođe dao priliku da vidim kako oni odgovaraju kad ih pozovem na sastanak. Mislila sam da se neće svakome dopasti moja hrabrost i bila sam u pravu. Od 29 kvalifikovanih kandidata, samo je 15 odgovorilo na moju poruku i od tih, šestorica su zakazala nulti sastanak.
My first zero date was with a set designer. And we were both into yoga and preferred our bagels with peanut butter, so it looked pretty promising. But two minutes in, I could tell it wasn't going to be a thing and I was relieved not to be spending dinner with him. After that, I was a little nervous about going to my next zero date. But we had agreed to meet on the Brooklyn Heights Promenade with a flask of whiskey to watch the sunset, and honestly, it was two blocks from my apartment. Plus, this guy had a podcast, I have a podcast, worst case scenario, we can talk about our podcasts.
Moj prvi nulti sastanak bio je sa jednim scenografom. Oboje nas je zanimala joga i voleli smo đevreke sa puterom od kikirikija, tako da je obećavalo. Ali posle dva minuta, videla sam da to neće ići i laknulo mi je da nisam na večeri s njim. Posle toga sam bila malo nervozna oko odlaska na sledeći nulti sastanak. Ali dogovorili smo se da se nađemo na šetalištu u Bruklin Hajtsu sa pljoskom viskija i gledamo zalazak sunca, i iskreno, to je bilo dva bloka od mog stana. Plus, taj tip je imao podkast, ja imam podkast, u najgorem slučaju, možemo pričati o našim podkastima.
Then, Chas set down next to me. And this kind and empathetic man told great jokes and asked even better questions. He was a lawyer and a writer, and his eyes twinkled when he laughed and they squeezed tight when I kissed him and at some point in the evening, our zero date became a first date. And two years later, we have a washer, dryer and two house plants together.
Onda je pored mene seo Čaz. I taj ljubazni, saosećajni čovek je pričao sjajne vicece i postavljao još bolja pitanja. Bio je advokat i pisac i oči su mu sijale kad se smejao i čvrsto se zatvarale kad sam ga poljubila i u nekom trenutku večeri, naš nulti sastanak postao je prvi. I dve godine kasnije, imamo mašinu za pranje i sušenje i dve kućne biljke.
Now, I can't promise you're going to end up with house plants. But the point of this story is that online dating doesn't have to suck. Don't treat it like a game, and don't treat it like a resume review. Instead, use it to source and qualify leads and then get offline as quickly as possible with the zero date. Because the point of this isn't swiping. It's finding your person.
Sad, ne mogu da obećam da ćete završiti sa kućnim biljkama. Ali poenta ove priče je da zabavljanje na netu ne mora da bude bedak. Ne tretirajte ga kao igru, ali ni kao čitanje biografije. Umesto toga, iskoristite ga da pronađete i kvalifikujete kandidate i onda pređite u stvaran svet što pre, na nulti sastanak. Jer poenta nije u listanju. Poenta je u pronalaženju prave osobe.
Good luck.
Srećno.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)