All right, I want to see a show of hands: how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food?
U redu, želim da dignete ruke: koliko vas je nekome odbilo prijateljstvo na Facebooku jer je rekao nešto uvredljivo u vezi politike ili religije, brige o djeci, hrane?
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you just don't want to talk to them?
A koliko vas zna bar jednu osobu koju izbjegavate samo zato jer ne želite s njom razgovarati?
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation, we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady": Stick to the weather and your health. But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --
Znate, nekada je vrijedilo da za pristojan razgovor samo trebamo slijediti savjet Henryja Higginsa u "My Fair Lady": Drži se vremena i svog zdravlja. Ali danas, s klimatskom promjenom i pokretom protiv cijepljenja, te teme --
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
are not safe either. So this world that we live in, this world in which every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument, where our politicians can't speak to one another and where even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it's not normal. Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults, and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized, we are more divided, than we ever have been in history. We're less likely to compromise, which means we're not listening to each other. And we make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our friends are going to be, based on what we already believe. Again, that means we're not listening to each other. A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening, and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance.
isto tako nisu sigurne. Dakle, ovaj svijet u kojem živimo, ovaj svijet u kojem svaki razgovor ima potencijal prerasti u svađu, gdje naši političari ne mogu razgovarati jedan s drugim i gdje čak i najtrivijalnija pitanja imaju strasne pobornike ili protivnike, nije normalan. Pew Research je proveo istraživanje na 10.000 odraslih Amerikanaca i ustanovili su da smo u ovom času više polarizirani, više smo podijeljeni, nego bilo kada u povijesti. Manje smo skloni kompromisu, što znači da ne slušamo jedni druge. I odlučujemo o tome gdje ćemo živjeti, za koga se udati i čak tko će nam biti prijatelji, na temelju onoga u što već vjerujemo. Ponovo, to znači da ne slušamo jedni druge. Konverzacija zahtijeva ravnotežu između pričanja i slušanja, a mi smo, negdje usput, izgubili tu ravnotežu.
Now, part of that is due to technology. The smartphones that you all either have in your hands or close enough that you could grab them really quickly. According to Pew Research, about a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day. And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friends than they are to talk to them face to face. There's this great piece in The Atlantic. It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell. And he gave his kids a communication project. He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes. And he said this: “I came to realize...”
Dio toga je posljedica tehnologije. Pametnih telefona koje svi imate ili u rukama ili dovoljno blizu da ih možete brzo zgrabiti. Prema Pew Research centru, otprilike trećina američkih tinejđera šalje preko stotinu poruka dnevno. A mnogi od njih, skoro većina njih, prijateljima će radije slati poruke nego s njima razgovarati licem u lice. Ima taj odličan članak u časopisu The Atlantic. Napisao ga je srednjoškolski nastavnik Paul Barnwell. On je svojim đacima zadao komunikacijski zadatak. Želio ih je naučiti kako govoriti o određenoj temi bez upotrebe bilješki. I rekao je ovo: "Shvatio sam ..."
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
"I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills. It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves: Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"
"Shvatio sam da je sposobnost komuniciranja možda najviše zanemarena vještina koju smo propustili podučavati. Djeca svaki dan provode sate baveći se idejama i jedno drugim putem ekrana, no rijetko imaju priliku brusiti svoje međuljudske komunikacijske vještine. Možda ovo pitanje zvuči smiješno, ali moramo se upitati: Postoji li ijedna vještina 21-og stoljeća važnija od sposobnosti vođenja suvislog, samosvjesnog razgovora?
Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers. I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don’t like. I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level. But I still have a great conversation with them. So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.
Ja zarađujem za život pričajući s ljudima: nobelovcima, vozačima kamiona, milijarderima, tetama iz vrtića, predsjednicima država, vodoinstalaterima. Pričam s ljudima koji mi se sviđaju. Pričam s ljudima koji mi se ne sviđaju. Pričam s nekim ljudima s kojima se duboko ne slažem na osobnoj razini. Pa ipak vodim s njima odličnu konverzaciju. Zato bih željela da vas u sljedećih 10-ak minuta podučim kako pričati i kako slušati.
Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like look the person in the eye, think of interesting topics to discuss in advance, look, nod and smile to show that you're paying attention, repeat back what you just heard or summarize it. So I want you to forget all of that. It is crap.
Mnogi od vas su već čuli mnogo savjeta o tome, stvari poput, gledaj osobu u oči, unaprijed smisli zanimljive teme za diskusiju gledaj, kimaj i smiješi se da pokažeš kako pažljivo pratiš, ponovi ono što si upravo čuo ili to rezimiraj. Dakle, hoću da sve to zaboravite. To su besmislice.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.
Nema razloga da učite kako pokazati da pažljivo pratite ako zaista pažljivo pratite.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
(Applause)
(Pljesak)
Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular life. So, I'm going to teach you how to interview people, and that's actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists. Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time, without getting bored, and, please God, without offending anybody.
Kao profesionalni voditelj intervjua ja zapravo koristim one iste vještine koje koristim u običnom životu. Dakle, naučit ću vas kako intervjuirati ljude, a to će vam ustvari pomoći da postanete bolji sugovornici. Da naučite voditi razgovor ne rasipajući svoje vrijeme, ne dosađujući se, i, uz Božju pomoć, ne vrijeđajući nikoga.
We've all had really great conversations. We've had them before. We know what it's like. The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you've made a real connection or you've been perfectly understood. There is no reason why most of your interactions can't be like that.
Mi smo svi vodili zaista sjajne razgovore. Vodili smo ih već prije. Znamo kako to izgleda. Ona vrsta konverzacije nakon koje se osjećate uključeni i inspirirani, ili osjećate kao da ste ostvarili istinsku povezanost ili da su vas savršeno razumjeli. Nema razloga zašto većina naših interakcija ne bi bila takva.
So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to walk you through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it, you'll already enjoy better conversations.
Ja imam 10 osnovnih pravila. Sva ću vam ih objasniti, no iskreno, ako izaberete samo jedno od njih i svladate ga, već ćete uživati u boljoj konverzaciji.
Number one: Don't multitask. And I don't mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand. I mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don't think about your argument you had with your boss. Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be half in it and half out of it.
Broj jedan: Ne radite više stvari odjednom. I tu ne mislim samo da odložite svoj mobitel ili svoj tablet ili ključeve od auta ili bilo što što imate u ruci. Mislim, budite prisutni. Budite u tom trenutku. Nemojte misliti na svađu koju ste imali sa šefom. Nemojte misliti na to što ćete večerati. Ako želite prekinuti konverzaciju, prekinite ju, ali nemojte biti napola u njoj, a napola izvan nje.
Number two: Don't pontificate. If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog.
Broj dva: Nemojte propovijedati. Ako želite iznijeti svoje mišljenje bez mogućnosti za odgovor ili diskusiju ili prigovor ili razvoj, pišite blog.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show: Because they're really boring. If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion. If they're liberal, they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney. Totally predictable. And you don't want to be like that. You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself. And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion. He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. Again, assume that you have something to learn.
Postoji zaista dobar razlog zašto ne puštam učene ljude na moj šou: Zato jer su stvarno dosadni. Ako su konzervativci, mrzit će Obamu i bonove za hranu i abortus. Ako su liberali, mrzit će velike banke i naftne korporacije i Dicka Cheneya. Potpuno predvidivo. A vi ne želite biti takvi. Trebali bi u svaki razgovor ulaziti s s pretpostavkom da ćete nešto naučiti. Čuveni terapeut M. Scott Peck je rekao istinsko slušanje zahtijeva da sebe ostavimo po strani. A to ponekad znači ostaviti po strani svoje osobno mišljenje. On kaže da osjetivši to prihvaćanje govornik postaje sve manje ranjiv i sve više voljan za otvaranje skrovitih mjesta svoga uma onome koji sluša. Ponovno, pretpostavite da ćete nešto naučiti.
Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't." I put it this way: Everybody is an expert in something.
Bill Nye: "Svatko koga ćete ikada sresti zna nešto što vi ne znate." Ja to kažem ovako: Svatko je stručnjak u nečemu.
Number three: Use open-ended questions. In this case, take a cue from journalists. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how. If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out. If I ask you, "Were you terrified?" you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence, which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't." "Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry." Let them describe it. They're the ones that know. Try asking them things like, "What was that like?" "How did that feel?" Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it, and you're going to get a much more interesting response.
Broj tri: Postavljajte otvorena pitanja. U ovom slučaju, ugledajte se u novinare. Započnite svoja pitanja sa tko, što, kada, gdje, zašto ili kako. Ako postavite komplicirano pitanje, dobit ćete jednostavan odgovor. Ako vas upitam, "Jeste li bili užasnuti?" vi ćete odgovoriti na najjaču riječ u toj rečenici, koja je "užasnut" i odgovor je "Da, bio sam" ili "Ne, nisam bio." "Jeste li bili ljuti?" "Da, bio sam jako ljut." Pustite njih da to opišu. Oni su ti koji znaju. Pokušajte ih pitati stvari kao, "Kako je to bilo?" "Kako ste se osjećali?" Zato jer će tada možda morati zastati na čas i razmisliti o tome, a vi ćete dobiti mnogo zanimljiviji odgovor.
Number four: Go with the flow. That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind. We've heard interviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutes and then the host comes back in and asks a question which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered. That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago because he thought of this really clever question, and he was just bound and determined to say that. And we do the exact same thing. We're sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.
Broj četiri: Prepustite se. To znači da će vam misli padati na um i vi biste ih trebali pustiti da siđu s uma. Često smo čuli intervjue u kojima gost govori nekoliko minuta i onda domaćin upada i postavlja pitanje koje kao da dolazi niotkuda ili je već bilo odgovoreno. To znači da je domaćin vjerojatno prestao slušati prije dvije minute jer se sjetio tog stvarno pametnog pitanja, i bio je baš uporan i odlučan da ga postavi. A mi radimo upravo istu stvar. Sjedimo i pričamo s nekim, a onda se sjetimo trenutka kad smo sreli Hugha Jackmana u kafiću.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
And we stop listening. Stories and ideas are going to come to you. You need to let them come and let them go.
I prestajemo slušati. Priče i ideje će vam nadolaziti. Vi ih morate pustiti da dođu i odu.
Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know. Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR, are much more aware that they're going on the record, and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure. Do that. Err on the side of caution. Talk should not be cheap.
Broj pet: Ako ne znate, recite da ne znate. Dakle, ljudi na radiju, posebno na javnom radiju, puno su svjesniji toga da da govore javno i službeno, i zato su oprezniji s tvrdnjama o svojoj stručnosti i o tome što tvrde da pouzdano znaju. Učinite tako. Oprez je majka mudrosti. Govor ne smije biti jeftin.
Number six: Don't equate your experience with theirs. If they're talking about having lost a family member, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member. If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work, don't tell them about how much you hate your job. It's not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And, more importantly, it is not about you. You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered. Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said, "I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers."
Broj šest: Nemojte izjednačavati svoje iskustvo s njihovim. Ako govore o gubitku člana obitelji, nemojte početi govoriti o vremenu kad ste vi izgubili člana obitelji. Ako govore o problemima koje imaju na poslu, nemojte im pričati o tome koliko vi mrzite svoj posao. To nije isto. To nikada nije isto. Sva iskustva su osobna. I, što je još važnije, ne radi se o vama. Ne morate koristiti taj trenutak da dokažete koliko ste vi čudesni ili koliko ste vi patili. Netko je jednom upitao Stephena Hawkinga koliki mu je IQ, a on je rekao, "Nemam pojma. Ljudi koje se hvale svojim IQ-om su gubitnici."
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.
Razgovorinisu prilike za promociju.
Number seven:
[ Konverzacija u 21. stoljeću Kako si Todo. Čitaj moj blog.]
Try not to repeat yourself. It's condescending, and it's really boring, and we tend to do it a lot. Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over. Don't do that.
Broj sedam: Pokušajte ne ponavljati se. To je pokroviteljski i zaista dosadno, a mi smo skloni često to raditi. Osobito u razgovorima o poslu ili u razgovoru s djecom, želimo nešto naglasiti, pa stalno iznova govorimo istu stvar samo preformuliranu. Nemojte to raditi.
Number eight: Stay out of the weeds. Frankly, people don't care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind. They don't care. What they care about is you. They care about what you're like, what you have in common. So forget the details. Leave them out.
Broj osam: Klonite se detalja. Iskreno, ljudi ne mare za godine, imena, datume, sve te detalje kojih se svim silama pokušavate prisjetiti. Njima to nije važno. Ono što im je važno ste vi. Zanima ih kakvi ste, što vam je zajedničko. Stoga zaboravite detalje. Izostavite ih.
Number nine: This is not the last one, but it is the most important one. Listen. I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill that you could develop. Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing, "If your mouth is open, you're not learning." And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way out of a job."
Broj devet: Ovo nije zadnje, ali je najvažnije. Slušajte. Ne mogu vam reći koliko je stvarno važnih ljudi reklo da je slušanje možda najvažnija, vještina broj jedan koju biste mogli razviti. Buddha je rekao, a ja prafraziram, "Ako su ti usta otvorena, tada ne učiš." A Calvin Coolidge je rekao, "Nitko nije bio izbačen s posla zbog slušanja."
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Why do we not listen to each other? Number one, we'd rather talk. When I'm talking, I'm in control. I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in. I'm the center of attention. I can bolster my own identity. But there's another reason: We get distracted. The average person talks at about 225 word per minute, but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute. So our minds are filling in those other 275 words. And look, I know, it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone, but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation. You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.
Zašto ne slušamo jedni druge? Broj jedan, više volimo govoriti. Kada govorim, ja imam kontrolu. Ne moram slušati ništa što me ne zanima. Ja sam u središtu pažnje. Mogu ojačati vlastiti identitet. No, postoji još jedan razlog: Gubimo pozornost. Prosječna osoba govori oko 225 riječi u minuti, no mi možemo slušati do 500 riječi u minuti. Tako naši umovi umeću onih drugih 275 riječi. I gledajte, ja znam da za to treba truda i snage da se stvarno obraća pažnja na nekoga, ali ako to ne možete, onda ne vodite konverzaciju. Vi ste samo dvoje ljudi koji izvikuju jedva povezane rečenice na istom mjestu.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
You have to listen to one another. Stephen Covey said it very beautifully. He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply."
Morate slušati jedan drugoga. Stephen Covey je to prekrasno rekao. Rekao je, "Većina nas ne sluša s namjerom da razumije. Mi slušamo s namjerom da odgovorimo."
One more rule, number 10, and it’s this one: Be brief. Be interested in other people.
Još jedno pravilo, broj 10, a to je ovo: Budite kratki. Zanimajte se za druge ljude.
You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather, and there was kind of a ritual in my home. People would come over to talk to my grandparents, and after they would leave, my mother would come over to us, and she’d say, “Do you know who that was? She was the runner-up to Miss America. He was the mayor of Sacramento. She won a Pulitzer Prize. He's a Russian ballet dancer." And I kind of grew up assuming everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them. And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host. I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can. I keep my mind open. And I’m always prepared to be amazed, and I'm never disappointed.
Znate, ja sam odrasla uz vrlo slavnog djeda, i postojala neka vrsta rituala u mom domu. Ljudi bi navraćali da razgovaraju s mojim djedom i bakom, a nakon što bi otišli, moja majka bi nam prišla, i rekla, "Znate li tko je to bio? Ona je bila pratilja Miss Amerike. On je bio gradonačelnik Sacramenta. Ona je dobila Pulitzerovu nagradu. On je ruski baletan." I ja sam na neki način odrastala smatrajući da svatko u sebi nosi neke skrivene, zapanjujuće stvari. I iskreno, mislim da je to ono što me čini boljom voditeljicom. Ja držim zatvorena usta kada god mogu, držim otvoren um, i uvijek sam spremna da budem zadivljena, i nikada se nisam razočarala.
You do the same thing. Go out, talk to people, listen to people, and, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.
Učinite istu stvar. Izađite, razgovarajte s ljudima, slušajte ljude, i, najvažnije, budite spremni biti zadivljeni.
Thanks.
Hvala.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)