All right, I want to see a show of hands: how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food?
Ben, quero ver as mans arriba: Quen de vós eliminou a alguén de amigo no Facebook porque dixo algo ofensivo sobre política ou relixión, coidado infantil, comida?
(Laughter)
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And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you just don't want to talk to them?
E cantos coñecen polo menos unha persoa que evitan porque simplemente non queren falar con ela?
(Laughter)
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You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation, we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady": Stick to the weather and your health. But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --
Xa saben que antes, para ter unha conversa educada só tiñamos que seguir o consello de Henry Higgins en "My Fair Lady": Cínguirnos ao tempo e á saúde. Pero agora, co cambio climático e o movemento antivacinas, eses temas
(Laughter)
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are not safe either. So this world that we live in, this world in which every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument, where our politicians can't speak to one another and where even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it's not normal. Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults, and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized, we are more divided, than we ever have been in history. We're less likely to compromise, which means we're not listening to each other. And we make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our friends are going to be, based on what we already believe. Again, that means we're not listening to each other. A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening, and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance.
non son seguros tampouco. Así que este mundo no que vivimos, este mundo no que cada conversación ten o potencial de converterse nunha rifa, onde os políticos non poden falar uns cos outros e onde mesmo o máis trivial dos asuntos ten alguén que pelexa apaixonadamente a favor e en contra, non é normal. O estudo Pew fixo unha investigación de 10 000 americanos adultos e atoparon que neste momento, estamos máis polarizados, estamos máis divididos do que nunca o estivemos na historia. Menos predispostos ao compromiso o que significa que non escoitamos aos demais. E tomamos decisións sobre onde vivir, con quen casar e mesmo quen vai ser amigo noso, baseándonos no que xa cremos. Outra vez, iso significa que non nos escoitamos. Unha conversa require un equilibrio entre falar e escoitar, e nalgún lugar do camiño, perdemos ese equilibrio.
Now, part of that is due to technology. The smartphones that you all either have in your hands or close enough that you could grab them really quickly. According to Pew Research, about a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day. And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friends than they are to talk to them face to face. There's this great piece in The Atlantic. It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell. And he gave his kids a communication project. He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes. And he said this: “I came to realize...”
Agora, parte diso débese á tecnoloxía. Os teléfonos intelixentes que teñen nas mans ou preto dabondo para collelos rapidamente. Segundo o estudo Pew, sobre un terzo de rapaces americanos envían máis dun cento de textos por día. E moitos deles, case a maioría, prefiren escribirlles aos amigos que falar con eles cara a cara. Hai esta gran peza no Atlántico escrita por un profesor de instituto chamado Paul Barnwell. Deulle aos seus estudantes un proxecto de comunicación. El quería ensinar como falar dun determinado tema sen usar notas. E dixo isto: "Deime conta..."
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"I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills. It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves: Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"
"Deime conta de que a competencia conversacional podería ser a competencia máis descoidada na que fracasamos no ensino. Os rapaces invisten horas conectados a ideas e entre eles nas pantallas, pero case nunca teñen oportunidade de mellorar as destrezas comunicativas interpersoais. Pode parecer unha pregunta estraña, pero temos que facérnola: Hai algunha destreza do século XXI máis importante que a de poder manter conversas coherentes e eficaces?"
Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers. I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don’t like. I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level. But I still have a great conversation with them. So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.
Agora, eu dedícome a falar coa xente: gañadores do Nobel, condutores de camións, millonarios, profesores de preescolar, xefes de estado, fontaneiros. Falo con xente que me gusta. Falo con xente que non me gusta. Falo con algunha persoa coa que discrepo profundamente nun plano persoal. Pero teño unha conversa estupenda con eles. Así que me gustaría pasar os próximos 10 minutos ensinándolles a falar e a escoitar.
Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like look the person in the eye, think of interesting topics to discuss in advance, look, nod and smile to show that you're paying attention, repeat back what you just heard or summarize it. So I want you to forget all of that. It is crap.
Moitos de vostedes xa oíron moitos consellos sobre isto, cousas como mirar a persoa aos ollos, pensar previamente en temas interesantes para comentar, mirar, asentir e sorrir para mostrar que estamos poñendo atención, repetir o que acabamos de escoitar ou resumilo. Ben, eu quero que esquezan todo iso. Iso son parvadas!
(Laughter)
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There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.
Non hai razóns para aprender a amosar que poñemos atención se, efectivamente, estamos a poñer atención.
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(Applause)
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Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular life. So, I'm going to teach you how to interview people, and that's actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists. Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time, without getting bored, and, please God, without offending anybody.
Agora, eu uso as mesmas destrezas no meu traballo de entrevistadora e na miña vida normal. Así que vou ensinarlles a entrevistar xente, e a que isto lles axude realmente a aprender a ser mellores conversadores. Aprender a ter unha conversa sen perder o tempo, sen aburrirse. E, por amor de Deus, sen ofender a ninguén.
We've all had really great conversations. We've had them before. We know what it's like. The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you've made a real connection or you've been perfectly understood. There is no reason why most of your interactions can't be like that.
Todos tivemos abofé grandes conversas. Tivémolas antes. Sabemos como é. O tipo de conversa da que saen sentíndose conectados e inspirados, ou na que senten coma se fixeran unha conexión real ou foran perfectamente comprendidos. Non hai ningunha razón pola que a maioría das interaccións non poden ser así.
So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to walk you through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it, you'll already enjoy better conversations.
Así que eu teño 10 regras básicas. Vounos levar a través delas, pero, honestamente, se só elixen unha delas e a dominan xa gozarán de conversas mellores.
Number one: Don't multitask. And I don't mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand. I mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don't think about your argument you had with your boss. Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be half in it and half out of it.
Número un: Non fagan varias cousas á vez. E non quero dicir só pousar o móbil, a tableta, as chaves do coche ou o que teñan na man. Quero dicir, estean presentes. Estean nese momento. Non pensen na rifa que tiveron co xefe. Non pensen no que van cear. Se queren saír da conversación saian da conversación, pero non estean cun pé dentro e cun pé fóra.
Number two: Don't pontificate. If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog.
Número dous: Non pontifiquen. Se queren manifestar a súa opinión sen dar ocasión a respostar ou argüír ou rectificar ou ampliar escriban un blogue.
(Laughter)
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Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show: Because they're really boring. If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion. If they're liberal, they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney. Totally predictable. And you don't want to be like that. You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself. And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion. He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. Again, assume that you have something to learn.
Hai unha boa razón para non permitir expertos no meu show: son moi aburridos. Se son conservadores, odiarán a Obama e os bonos de comida e o aborto. Se son liberais, van odiar os bancos, as petroleiras e a Dick Cheney. Totalmente predicible. E vostedes non queren ser así. Teñen que entrar en cada conversa asumindo que hai algo que aprender. O famoso terapeuta M. Scott Peck dixo que a verdadeira escoita require poñerse á parte un mesmo. E ás veces iso significa deixar á parte a opinión persoal. Dixo que ao sentir esta aceptación, quen fala farase menos e menos vulnerable e máis e máis susceptible de abrir os recunchos interiores da súa mente á persoa que escoita. Outra vez, asumir que teñen algo que aprender.
Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't." I put it this way: Everybody is an expert in something.
Bill Nye: "Toda persoa sabe algo que vostedes non saben". Eu dígoo deste xeito: Todo o mundo é un experto en algo.
Number three: Use open-ended questions. In this case, take a cue from journalists. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how. If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out. If I ask you, "Were you terrified?" you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence, which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't." "Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry." Let them describe it. They're the ones that know. Try asking them things like, "What was that like?" "How did that feel?" Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it, and you're going to get a much more interesting response.
Número tres: Use preguntas abertas. Neste caso, colla ideas nos xornalistas. Comece as preguntas con quen, que, cando, onde, por que ou como. Se fan unha pregunta complexa, van ter unha resposta simple. Se lles pregunto: "Tiveron medo?" Van responderlle á palabra máis poderosa da pregunta, "medo", e a resposta é "si, tivemos" ou "non, non tivemos". "Estaban anoxados?" "Si, moi anoxados". Deixen que o describan. Eles son os que saben. Intenten preguntar cousas como "Como foi?" "Que se sentiu?" Porque eles van ter que parar un momento e pensar niso, e van conseguir unha resposta moito máis interesante.
Number four: Go with the flow. That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind. We've heard interviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutes and then the host comes back in and asks a question which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered. That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago because he thought of this really clever question, and he was just bound and determined to say that. And we do the exact same thing. We're sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.
Número catro: Vaian co fluxo. Isto significa que os pensamentos chegarán á súa mente e terán que deixalos saír dela. A miúdo escoitamos entrevistas nas que un convidado fala durante varios minutos e despois o anfitrión fai unha pregunta que parece coma se saíse da nada, ou que xa foi contestada. Probablemente o anfitrión non escoitou os últimos minutos porque pensou nesta pregunta tan intelixente e estaba decidido a formular. E nós facemos exactamente o mesmo. Estamos sentados tendo unha conversación con alguén, e lembramos cando coñecimos a Hugh Jackman nun café.
(Laughter)
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And we stop listening. Stories and ideas are going to come to you. You need to let them come and let them go.
E paramos de escoitar. Chéganlles historias e ideas. Precisan deixalas ir e vir.
Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know. Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR, are much more aware that they're going on the record, and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure. Do that. Err on the side of caution. Talk should not be cheap.
Número cinco: Se non saben, digan que non saben. Ben, a xente da radio, especialmente da RPN, é moito máis consciente de que vai ser gravada. Por iso ten máis coidado con aquelo do que di ser experta e saber con certeza. Fágano. Erren polo lado da prudencia. Falar non debería ser barato.
Number six: Don't equate your experience with theirs. If they're talking about having lost a family member, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member. If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work, don't tell them about how much you hate your job. It's not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And, more importantly, it is not about you. You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered. Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said, "I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers."
Número seis: Non igualen a súa experiencia coa deles. Se están falando sobre a perda dun membro da familia, non vaian a falar de cando viviron vostedes tamén unha perda. Se falan sobre os problemas que teñen no traballo, non lles digan o que odian o seu. Non é o mesmo. Nunca é o mesmo. Todas as experiencias son únicas. E, o máis importante, non se trata de vostedes. Non deben aproveitar o momento para probar o formidables que son ou o do moito que sofreron. Alguén lle preguntou a Stephen Hawking cal era o seu CI. E dixo: "Nin idea. As persoas que se gaban do seu CI son perdedoras".
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Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.
As conversacións non son unha oportunidade para a promoción.
Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself. It's condescending, and it's really boring, and we tend to do it a lot. Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over. Don't do that.
Número sete: Intenten non repetirse. É condescendente e moi aburrido. Tendemos a facelo moito. Especialmente en conversacións no traballo ou cos nosos fillos, temos cousas que sinalar. Por iso reformulamos unha e outra vez. Non o fagan.
Number eight: Stay out of the weeds. Frankly, people don't care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind. They don't care. What they care about is you. They care about what you're like, what you have in common. So forget the details. Leave them out.
Número 8: Eviten as malas herbas. Francamente, á xente non lle importan os anos, os nomes, as datas, todos eses detalles cos que estás loitando na túa mente. Non lle importan. O que lle importa é vostede. Impórtalle como é vostede ou o que teñen en común. Así que esquezan os detalles. Déixenos fóra.
Number nine: This is not the last one, but it is the most important one. Listen. I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill that you could develop. Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing, "If your mouth is open, you're not learning." And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way out of a job."
Número nove: Este non é o último, mais é o máis importante. Escoiten. Non podo dicirlles canta xente importante dixo que escoitar é quizais a destreza máis importante que podedes desenvolver. Buda dixo, e estou a parafrasear: "Se a túa boca está aberta, non estás aprendendo". E Calvin Coolidge dixo: "Ningún home escoitou a súa saída do traballo".
(Laughter)
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Why do we not listen to each other? Number one, we'd rather talk. When I'm talking, I'm in control. I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in. I'm the center of attention. I can bolster my own identity. But there's another reason: We get distracted. The average person talks at about 225 word per minute, but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute. So our minds are filling in those other 275 words. And look, I know, it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone, but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation. You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.
Por que non nos escoitamos uns aos outros? Número un: preferimos falar. Cando falo, estou ao mando. Non teño que escoitar nada que non me interese. Son o centro de atención. Estou reforzando a miña identidade. Pero hai outra razón: Distraémonos. A media do tempo que fala unha persoa é de 225 palabras por minuto, pero podemos escoitar máis de 500 palabras por minuto. Así que as nosas mentes están enchéndose desas outras 275 palabras. E miren, sei que leva esforzo e enerxía prestarlle atención a alguén pero se non poden facelo, non están a conversar. Trátase só de dúas persoas berrando frases pouco relacionadas no mesmo lugar.
(Laughter)
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You have to listen to one another. Stephen Covey said it very beautifully. He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply."
Teñen que escoitarse uns aos outros. Stephen Covey díxoo dun xeito fermoso. Dixo: "A maioría de nós non escoita coa intención de entender. Escoitamos coa intención de contestar".
One more rule, number 10, and it’s this one: Be brief. Be interested in other people.
Unha regra máis, a número 10, e é esta: Sexan breves. Mostren interese polas outras persoas.
You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather, and there was kind of a ritual in my home. People would come over to talk to my grandparents, and after they would leave, my mother would come over to us, and she’d say, “Do you know who that was? She was the runner-up to Miss America. He was the mayor of Sacramento. She won a Pulitzer Prize. He's a Russian ballet dancer." And I kind of grew up assuming everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them. And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host. I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can. I keep my mind open. And I’m always prepared to be amazed, and I'm never disappointed.
Eu medrei cun avó moi famoso, e había unha especie de ritual na casa. A xente viña á casa a falar cos meus avós e despois de marchar, a miña nai achegábase a nós, e dicía: "Sabedes quen era? A primeira dama de honor de América. Era o alcalde de Sacramento. Gañou un premio Pulitzer. É un bailarín do ballet ruso". E medrei asumindo que todo o mundo tiña algo marabilloso oculto. Creo que é o que me fai ser mellor entrevistadora. Teño a boca pechada sempre que me é posible, teño a mente aberta e sempre estou preparada para marabillarme e nunca quedo decepcionada.
You do the same thing. Go out, talk to people, listen to people, and, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.
Fagan o mesmo. Saian, falen coa xente, escoiten a xente, e, o máis importante, prepárense para marabillarse.
Thanks.
Grazas.
(Applause)
(Aplauso)