I used to have a saying that phone calls don't change your life. Until one day I got a phone call that did. It was from my mother. "Your father is trying to kill himself." He's what? My dad was a son of the American South, a Navy veteran and civic leader, he was never depressed a minute. Until he got Parkinson's. Six times in 12 weeks, my dad attempted to end his life.
我以前會說,電話 不會改變你的人生。 直到有一天,我接到了 一通改變我人生的電話。 是我母親打來的。 「你爸爸試圖自殺。」 他什麼? 我爸爸是美國南方人的兒子, 也是海軍退役軍人和公民領袖, 他從來沒有一分鐘是憂鬱的。 直到他得了帕金森氏症。 我父親在十二週內六度試圖自殺。
We tried every solution imaginable, until one day I had a thought. Maybe my dad needed a spark to restart his life story. One morning I sent him a question. "Tell me about the toys you played with as a child." What happened next changed not only him, but everyone around him, and led me to reimagine how we all make meaning, purpose and joy in our lives. This is the story of what happened next and what we all can learn from it.
我們試過所有想得到的解決方案, 直到有一天,我有個想法。 也許我爸爸需要一點火花, 重新開始他的人生故事。 有天早上,我丟了個問題給他。 「跟我聊聊你兒時玩的玩具。」 接下來發生的事不只改變了他, 也改變了他身邊的每一個人, 讓我開始重新想像, 我們如何在人生中 製造出意義、目的和喜悅。 以下的故事,就是接下來發生的事, 以及我們能從中學到什麼。
I want you to stop for a second and listen to the story going on in your head. It's there, somewhere, in the background. It's the story you tell others when you first meet them, the story you tell yourself every day. It's the story of who you are, where you came from, where you're going. It's the story of your life. What we've learned from a generation of brain research is that story isn't just part of us. It is us in a fundamental way. Life is the story you tell yourself. But there's something that research hasn't much answered. What happens when we misplace the plot of that story, when we get sidetracked by a pitfall, a pothole, a pandemic? What happens when we feel burned out and need a fresh start? What happens when our fairy tales go awry. That's what happened to my dad that fall, to me around that time, to all of us at one time or another. We get stuck in the woods and can't get out.
我想請大家先停下來, 聽聽自己腦海中的故事。 它就在那裡,某處,在背景中。 你會對初次見面的人說這個故事, 你每天對自己說的故事。 這個故事是關於你是誰、 你來自何處、 你朝何處前進。 是你人生的故事。 我們從一整個世代的 大腦相關研究中學到, 那個故事並不只是我們的一部分, 基本上,它就是我們。 人生,就是講述自己的故事。 但有些東西是研究還不太能解答的。 當我們把那故事的情節 錯置時,會如何? 當我們被隱患、坑洞、 疫情給導入旁軌時,會如何? 當我們身心俱疲, 需要一個新的開始時,會如何? 當我們的童話故事出錯時,會如何? 我父親在那年秋天就遇到了這種事, 我在那段時間也遇到了, 所有人都會在某個時點遇到。 我們被困在樹林裡,無法走出去。
This time, though, I wanted to learn how to get unstuck. Like my dad, I was born in the American South. And for years I had what I now think of as a linear life. I went to college, I started writing, I did it for no money for a while, I had some success, I got married and had children. But then in my 40s, I was just walloped by life. First I got cancer as a new dad of identical twin daughters. Then I almost went bankrupt. Then my dad had that suicide spree. For a long time, I felt shame and fear about these events. I didn't know how to tell that story. I didn't want to tell that story. When I did, I discovered that everyone feels their life has been upended in some way. That their life is somehow off-schedule, off-track, off-kilter. That the life they're living is not the life they expected. That they're living life out of order.
不過,這次我想學習要如何脫困。 和我父親一樣,我在美國南方出生。 多年來,我過的生活 是我現在所謂的線性生活。 我上大學,我開始寫作, 我有段時間是無酬寫作, 我有了些成功, 我結婚了,有了孩子。 但我四十多歲時, 被人生重重地打擊。 首先,我才剛成了雙胞胎 女兒的新手爸爸就得了癌症。 接著,我幾乎破產。 然後,我父親又拼命自殺。 有很長一段時間,我對 這些事件感到羞恥和恐懼。 我不知道該怎麼講那個故事, 我也不想講那個故事。 我說出來後,我發現每個人都覺得 他們的人生在某種 面向上也是一團糟, 他們的人生某種程度上也是 沒按照計畫走、脫離正軌、失衡了。 他們過的生活, 並非他們期望的生活。 他們過著紊亂的人生。
I wanted to do something to help. Over three years, I crisscrossed the country, collecting what became hundreds of life stories of Americans in all 50 states. People who lost homes, lost limbs, changed careers, changed genders, got sober, got out of bad marriages. In the end, I had 1,000 hours of interviews, 6,000 pages of transcripts. With a team of 12, I then spent a year coding these stories for 57 different variables, looking for patterns that could help all of us in times of change. I called this “The Life Story Project.” And here's what I learned.
我想要做點什麼來幫忙。 三年多的時間,我走遍全國, 收集了數百則來自全國五十州的 美國人的人生故事。 有人失去家園,有人失去肢體, 有人換了工作,有人換了性別, 有人戒酒,有人離開了不好的婚姻。 最後,我總共做了一千小時的訪談, 六千頁的逐字稿。 接著,我和一個十二人的團隊 將這些故事做編碼, 用了五十七個不同的變數, 尋找有什麼模式能在 變動的時候協助我們所有人。 我稱它為「人生故事計畫」。 以下是我從中學到的:
Lesson number one. The linear life is dead. The idea that we're going to have one job, one relationship, one source of happiness from adolescence to assisted living is hopelessly outdated. What's more, that idea turns out to be a historical anomaly. Though we don't talk about it nearly enough, the way we look at the world affects how we look at our lives. In the ancient world, they didn't have linear time. They thought life was a cycle because agriculture was a cycle. In the Middle Ages, they thought life was a staircase up to middle age, then down. That's no new love at 60, no retiring and opening an Airbnb at 70. Not until 150 years ago did we adopt the idea that life precedes in a series of stages, like an industrial factory. Freud's psychosexual stages, Erikson’s eight stages of moral development, the five stages of grief. These are all linear constructs. This model peaks in the 1970s with the idea that everyone does the same thing in their 20s, the same thing in their 30s, then has a midlife crisis between 39 and 44 and a half.
第一課。 線性人生已經不存在了。 線性人生概念就是我們只會有 一份工作、一個愛人、 從青春期到老年輔助生活 都只有一種快樂來源, 這概念徹底過時了。 甚至,最後發現這個概念 在歷史上根本是種反常現象。 但我們太少去談它, 我們看待世界的方式 會影響我們如何看待我們的生活。 古時候,他們沒有線性時間。 他們認為人生是一種循環, 因為農業是一種循環。 中世紀的人認為人生 如樓梯,向上爬到中年, 接著向下走。 那就是在六十歲不會有新歡, 七十歲不會退休來開 Airbnb。 一直要到一百五十年前, 我們才採用了這個線性概念: 人生的進行方式是一連串的 階段,像個工業工廠。 佛洛依德的心性發展階段, 艾瑞克森的八階段道德發展, 悲傷的五個階段。 這些都是線性的建構方式。 1970 年代是線性模型最夯的時候, 其概念是,在二十多歲時 大家都會做一樣的事, 三十多歲也做一樣的事, 接著在三十九歲到四十四歲半 之間出現中年危機。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
It is hard to overstate how powerful this idea was. There's only one problem. It's not true. Today, we've updated how we look at the world. We understand there's chaos and complexity and networks, but we haven't updated how we look at our lives.
這個概念影響之深遠難以言喻。 只有一個問題。 實情並非如此。 現今,我們看待世界的 方式已經更新過。 我們了解人生會有混亂、 複雜性和網路, 但我們看待自己人生的 方式尚未更新。
That leads to lesson number two. The non-linear life involves many more life transitions. I went through every interview I conducted and made a master list of all the ways our lives get redirected. I call these events disruptors. The total number was 52, so I created the Deck of Disruptors. Some of them are small, like breaking your ankle or a fender bender. Some of them are large, like losing your job or moving. The average person goes through three dozen disruptors in the course of their lives. That's one every 12 to 18 months. Most of these we get through with relative ease, but one in 10 becomes what I call a lifequake, a massive burst of change that leads to a period of upheaval, transition and renewal. The average person goes through three to five of these events in the course of their lives, their average length five years. Do the math, and that means we spend 25 years, half our adult lives, in transition. And make no mistake, these events do not clump exclusively in middle age. Some people are born into lifequakes. Some people have them in their 20s or their 60s. Forget the midlife crisis, we all face the whenever-life crisis.
那就要帶出第二課。 非線性的人生會涉及到 更多更多人生的轉變。 我仔細查看自己所做的每場訪談, 整理了一張總清單,列出我們 人生被重新導向的各種情況。 我把這些事件稱為「中斷因素」。 總共有五十二種, 所以我創造了中斷因素面板。 有些因素很小, 如腳踝骨裂或小車禍。 有些因素很大,如丟了工作或搬家。 一般人在一生中會經歷 近四十種中斷因素。 也就是每一年到一年半 就會遇到一種。 大部分的時候我們都能輕鬆度過, 但十次中有一次會是 我所謂的人生地震, 是種爆炸級的重大改變, 會導致一段動盪、 轉變和重建的時期。 一般人在一生中會經歷 三到五次人生地震, 平均一次的長度是五年。 算算看,那表示我們 會有二十五年時間, 即成年時間的一半,是在轉變中。 別弄錯了, 這類事件並不會 只集中在中年時期發生。 有人出生就是人生地震,有人 在二十多歲或六十多歲遇到。 忘了中年危機吧, 我們面臨的是哪年都可能會有危機。
But here's what causes so much anxiety. We still expect our lifequakes to unfold on a predictable timetable, like birthdays that end in zero. We're all still haunted by the ghost of linearity. We think our life is going to be linear; we're unnerved when it's not. We're comparing ourselves to an ideal that no longer exists and beating ourselves up for not achieving it. The pandemic has made this only worse. I craft every lifequake on two poles: voluntary and involuntary, personal and collective. A mere eight percent of lifequakes are collective involuntary. A collective involuntary lifequake is a natural disaster or a recession. What's unique about this moment in time? The entire planet for the first time in a century is going through the same collective involuntary lifequake at the same time. Every single one of us is in transition. And yet no one is teaching us how to master these times.
但我們會這麼焦慮的原因如下。 我們仍然預期我們的人生地震 會根據可預測的時間表發生, 比如在尾數是零的生日時。 線性人生的魔咒依然禁錮著我們。 我們認為我們的人生是線性的, 如果不是,我們就會焦躁。 我們把自己和一種 不存在的理想做比較, 沒達到這種理想, 就不放過我們自己。 疫情讓這一切更糟了。 我把所有人生地震 整理在兩極圖表上: 自願和非自願、 個人和集體。 只有 8% 的人生地震 是集體且非自願的。 集體且非自願的人生地震 包括天然災害或蕭條。 此時此刻有什麼獨特之處? 一百年來,這是頭一次,全世界 都同時一起經歷 集體且非自願的人生地震。 我們每一個人都遇到了轉變。 卻沒有人教我們要如何 好好處理這樣的時期。
Which leads to lesson number three. Life transitions are a skill we can and must master.
這就要帶到第三課。 人生轉變是我們可以 且必須要精通的技能。
What I'd like to do for you today is to give you five tips based on my research for how to master a life transition. Tip number one, begin with your transition superpower. One way to think about a lifequake is as a physical blow. Life put us on our heels, the life transition puts us back on our toes. And yet most of us, when we enter one, feel completely overwhelmed. We either make a 212 item to-do list and say we'll get through it in a weekend, or we lie in a fetal position and say we'll never get through it. Both of them are wrong. Look at enough of these and certain patterns become clear. For starters, life transitions have three phases. I call them the long goodbye, when you mourn the past that's not coming back; the messy middle, when you shed certain habits and create new ones; and the new beginning, where you unveil your new self. But here's the key: counter to a century of thinking, these phases do not happen in order. Just as life is non-linear, life transitions are non-linear too. Instead, each of us gravitates to the phase we're best at, our transition superpower, and gets bogged down in the phase we are weakest at, our transition kryptonite. Half of us, for example, don't like the messy middle. But some of us excel at that. Maybe you're good at making lists and analyzing your options. Perfect, start there. Four in 10 of us don’t like the long goodbye. Maybe we're people pleasers or we are uncomfortable in difficult situations. But others thrive like that. Perfect, start there. The point is, transitions are difficult. Begin with your superpower, build confidence, move on from there.
今天我想做的,是提供大家 從我研究整理出的五項祕訣, 教大家如何主宰人生的轉變。 祕訣一: 從你的「轉變超能力」開始著手。 可以把人生地震想像成 一種實體的衝擊。 人生帶給我們不安與震驚, 人生轉變讓我們保持機警應變。 但我們大部分人進入轉變時 就會覺得無法招架。 我們若不是列出兩百多個項目的 待辦清單要在週末完成; 就是直接蜷縮躺下, 說我們永遠不可能撐過。 兩種都錯了。 看多了人生地震, 某些模式就會清楚浮現。 首先,人生轉變會有三個階段。 我命名為:漫長的揮別, 也就是哀悼已逝的過往; 亂糟糟的過程,此時 是要擺脫舊習創造新習; 以及新的開端, 讓全新的自己登台露面。 但,有個關鍵:別落入 百年來的思考模式, 這些階段不是照順序發生的。 人生不是線性的,同理, 人生轉變也不是線性的。 反之,我們每個人會轉向 我們最擅長的階段, 即我們的「轉變超能力」, 在最不擅長的階段則會被卡住, 即我們的氪星石。 比如,有一半的人 不喜歡亂糟糟的過程。 但有些人在那方面很行。 也許你很擅長列清單、 分析你有何選項。 太好了,從那裡著手。 四成的人不喜歡漫長的揮別。 也許我們喜歡討好人 或在困難的情況中很不自在。 但有人在那方面超厲害。 太好了,從那裡著手。 重點是,轉變很難。 從你的超能力著手, 建立信心,從那裡再走下去。
Tip number two, accept your emotions. In addition to three phases, I identified seven tools for how we navigate a life transition. Beginning with: accept that it's an emotional experience. I looked hundreds of people in the eye and asked, "What's the biggest emotion you struggled with during your time of change?" The number one answer? Fear. "How am I going to get through this?" "How am I going to pay my bills?" Number two, sadness. "I miss my loved one." "I miss being able to walk." Number three, shame. "I'm ashamed I have to ask for help." "I'm ashamed of what I did when I drank too much." Now some of us cope with these emotions by writing them down. Others, like me, buckle down and push through. But 80 percent of us, 80, turn to rituals. We sing, dance, hug. After Maynard Howell left his job in big pharma to open a gym, he tattooed "breathe" on his right hand and "happy" on his left. "I knew I couldn't go back to my corporate job once I did that," he said.
祕訣二:接受你的情緒。 除了三個階段外, 我還找出了七種工具, 幫我們在人生轉變中找到方向。 首先是:接受這是 一段很情緒化的經歷。 我曾經看著數百人的眼睛,問: 「在你遇到改變的時候, 讓你最掙扎的情緒是什麼?」 排名第一的答案? 恐懼。 「我要怎麼撐過?」 「我要怎麼支付帳單?」 第二名,悲傷。 「我想念我摯愛的人。」 「我懷念能走路的感覺。」 第三名,羞恥。 「我覺得要求助好丟臉。」 「我對我喝太多時 所做的事感到羞恥。」 有些人處理這些情緒的方式 是把它們寫下來。 也有人是像我一樣努力挺過去。 但有 80% 的人, 八成,會轉向儀式。 我們會唱歌、跳舞、擁抱。 梅納德‧豪威爾離開了 大藥廠的工作去開健身房, 他在右手上刺了「呼吸」, 左手刺了「快樂」。 他說:「我知道我刺青後 就不可能回企業工作了。」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
Lisa Ray Rosenberg had a horrible year in which she lost her job, had a falling out with her mother and went on 52 first dates. "I knew I needed a change," she said. Her biggest fear, heights. So she jumped out of an airplane. A year later, she was married with a child. Rituals like these are effective in the long goodbye of a transition because they are messages to ourselves and those around us that I’m going through a difficult time, and I'm ready for what comes next.
麗莎‧雷‧羅森柏格過了 很糟的一年,丟了工作, 和母親不和,還嘗試了 五十二次初次約會。 她說:「我知道我需要改變。」 她最大的恐懼:高度。 所以她從飛機上跳下來。 一年後,她結婚了,有一個孩子。 在轉變的「漫長的揮別」中, 這樣的儀式很有效果, 因為它們等於是在發出訊息 給我們自己及身邊的人, 表示我在經歷很困難的時刻, 且我準備好面對未來了。
Tip number three, try something new. The messy middle is messy. It's disheartening and disorienting. Now what? My data show we do two things during our time in the wilderness. First, we shed things: mindset, routines, habits. Like animals who molt, we cast off parts of our personality. Jeffrey Spar, who has OCD, had to shed his reliance on a regular paycheck when he left his family's business to open a nonprofit that works with art therapy. Lee Wint, an executive who went through cancer, divorce and a career change all at the same time, had to shed her habit that whenever she walked in the door, she would open the fridge. She lost 60 pounds. Shedding allows us to make space for what comes next, which is astonishing acts of creativity. At the bottom of our lives, we dance, sing, garden, take up ukulele. Army Sergeant Zach Herrick had his face blown off by the Taliban. 31 surgeries between his nose and his chin. He experienced suicide ideation. Then, at the suggestion of his mom, he started to cook. Then to write poetry, and then to paint. "I used to get out my hostility by splattering the enemy with bullets," he told me. "Now I get out my hostility by splattering the canvas with paint." What was the biggest cliche at the beginning of the pandemic? Baking. We're going to sour dough our way through it. I may have been the least surprised person because the simple act of imagining that loaf of bread or a painting or a poem allows us to imagine we can create a new self.
祕訣三:嘗試新事物。 亂糟糟的過程,很亂糟糟。 會讓人很沮喪、失去方向。 現在要怎麼辦? 我的資料顯示,在困惑的 狀態中我們會做兩件事。 第一,擺脫一些事物: 心態、慣例、習慣。 就像蛻變的動物,我們 要把部分人格給脫去。 傑佛瑞‧史巴有強迫症, 他必須要擺脫掉對於 定期薪水支票的仰賴, 因為他離開了家族事業, 去開了一間非營利機構, 投入藝術治療。 李‧溫特是個主管,得了癌症, 同時還碰到離婚、職涯改變, 她得擺脫她每回進家門 就先開冰箱的習慣。 她減掉了六十磅。 擺脫,讓我們有空間 可以迎接嶄新的未來, 它是種創意的驚人展現。 在人生的谷底, 我們跳舞、唱歌、 做園藝、彈烏克麗麗。 陸軍中士柴克‧赫瑞克 被塔利班炸毀了臉, 他的鼻子和下巴之間 做了三十一次手術。 他有了自殺的念頭。 接著他接受了他母親的 建議,開始做菜。 接著開始寫詩,接著是畫畫。 他告訴我:「我以前發洩 敵意的方式是對敵人掃射, 現在我發洩敵意的方式 是對畫布揮灑。」 疫情之初,最老掉牙的事是什麼? 烘培。 我們要靠做麵包度過疫情。 我可能是最不感到驚訝的人, 因為很簡單的動作, 比如想像一塊麵包、 一幅畫、一首詩, 就讓我們能夠想像 我們能創造出新的自己。
Tip number four, seek wisdom from others. Perhaps the most painful part of a life transition is that you feel isolated and alone. In fact, one under-discussed reason for the rise of loneliness is the rise in the number of life transitions we all face. Which is why it's essential that you not be alone, that you share your experience with others. Could be a friend, a neighbor, a loved one, even a stranger. But here's the key. Not everyone craves the same type of response. Each of us has what I call a phenotype of feedback. A third of us like comforters. "I love you, Suzy, you'll get through it." A quarter of us like nudgers. "I love you, John, but maybe you should try this, maybe you should do that." But one in six of us like slappers. "I love you, Anna, but get over yourself, it's time to do this."
祕訣四:向他人尋求智慧。 也許,人生轉變最痛苦的部分 就是你覺得很寂寞、孤單。 事實上,寂寞之所以會出現, 有個理由很少被討論到, 就是我們大家面對的 人生轉變數量越來越多。 這就是為什麼很重要的是, 你不要獨自一個人, 要和他人分享你的經歷。 對象可以是朋友、鄰居、 愛人,甚至陌生人。 但有個關鍵:每個人渴望 得到的回應不盡相同。 每個人都有我所謂的 「回饋的顯型」。 三分之一的人喜歡討拍拍。 「我愛你,蘇西,你會撐過去的。」 四分之一的人喜歡輕推一把。 「我愛你,約翰,但也許 你該試試這個或做做那個。」 但有六分之一的人喜歡當頭棒喝。 「我愛你,安娜, 但夠了啦,該做這個了。」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
The key point is, don't assume that the other person likes the same type of response. Ask before you advise.
重點是, 別假設對方喜歡的回應 會是跟你一樣的。 給建議之前,先問。
And that leads to tip number five. Rewrite your life story. A life transition is fundamentally a meaning-making experience. It's what I like to call an autobiographical occasion in which we are called on to revisit, rewrite and retell our life story, adding a new chapter for what we learned during the lifequake. That's what happened with my dad. After I sent that first question about the toys he played with, he wrote a story about model airplanes I had never heard before, even though he couldn't even use his fingers at the time. I sent another, “Tell me about the house you grew up in.” Then another, "How did you join the Navy?" "How did you meet Mom?" Until just this week, eight years after that first question, my dad, who never wrote anything longer than a memo, completed a 65,000-word memoir. One question, one story, one life-affirming memory at a time. That is the power of storytelling. And it's a reminder that no matter how bleak your story gets, you cannot give up on the happy ending. You control the story you tell about yourself, even the most painful parts of yourself. And that's why it's so critical that we re-imagine life transitions, that we see them not as a miserable times we have to grit and grind our way through, but we see them for what they are. Healing times that take the wounded parts of our lives and begin to repair them.
那就要帶到祕訣五。 改寫你的人生故事。 基本上,人生轉變 是一段製造意義的經歷。 我喜歡稱之為寫自傳的機會, 此時,我們要去回想、重寫、 重新訴說我們的人生故事, 為我們在人生地震中 所學到的,增加新的篇章。 那就是我父親的狀況。 我丟出第一個問題給他, 問他兒時玩的玩具之後, 他寫了一個關於模型飛機的 故事,我以前從未聽過, 即使他那時無法用 他的手指,還是寫了。 我又丟了一個問題:「跟我 聊聊你兒時住的房子。」 然後是:「你怎麼會加入海軍?」 「你怎麼認識媽媽的?」 直到這週, 丟出第一個問題的八年後, 我父親, 他從來沒有寫過 比備忘錄還長的文章, 竟完成了一本六萬五千字的回憶錄。 一個問題, 一個故事, 一次只要一段能肯定人生的記憶。 那就是說故事的力量。 那也是提醒我們,不論 你的故事變得多嚴峻無望, 都不能放棄快樂的結局。 你能控制要如何講述自己的故事, 即使是你自己最痛苦的部分。 那就是為什麼重新思考 人生轉變是如此重要的事, 不要把它們視為我們必須要 堅韌不拔撐過去的悲慘時期, 我們要看到它們的本質。 它們是療癒的時期, 找出我們人生中受損的部分, 開始修復它們。
The Italians have a wonderful expression for this: “Lupus in fabula.” The wolf in the fairytale. Just when life is going swimmingly, along comes a demon, a dragon, a downsizing, a pandemic. Just when our fairy tale seems poised to come true, a wolf shows up and threatens to destroy it. And that's OK. Because if you banish the wolf, you banish the hero. And if there's one thing I learned, we all need to be the hero of our own story. That's why we have fairy tales, after all. And why we tell them year after year, bedtime after bedtime. They turn our nightmares into dreams.
對此,義大利人有個很美好的說法: 「Lupus in fabula.」 童話中的狼。 人生正順利的時候, 就出現了一個惡魔、一隻龍、 一波裁員、一場疫情。 當我們的童話似乎就要實現時, 一隻狼出現了,威脅要摧毀它。 那沒關係。 因為如果你趕走了那隻狼, 也就趕走了英雄主角。 如果說我有學到什麼, 那就是我們都得扮演 自己故事中的英雄主角。 畢竟,那就是我們有童話的原因。 也就是為什麼我們 年復一年地講這些童話, 每次上床前都要講一次。 它們會把我們的惡夢轉為美夢。
Thank you.
謝謝。
(Applause)
(掌聲)