So here's the good news about families. The last 50 years have seen a revolution in what it means to be a family. We have blended families, adopted families, we have nuclear families living in separate houses and divorced families living in the same house. But through it all, the family has grown stronger. Eight in 10 say the family they have today is as strong or stronger than the family they grew up in.
Evo dobre vesti vezane za porodicu. U proteklih 50 godina prisustvovali smo revoluciji toga šta znači biti porodica. Postoje pastorske porodice, porodice sa usvojenom decom, nuklearne porodice koje žive u odvojenim kućama i razvedene porodice koje žive u istoj kući. Ali uprkos svemu ovome, porodica je postala jača. Osmoro od desetoro ljudi kažu da je porodica koju imaju danas isto toliko jaka ili još jača od porodice u kojoj su odrasli.
Now, here's the bad news. Nearly everyone is completely overwhelmed by the chaos of family life. Every parent I know, myself included, feels like we're constantly playing defense. Just when our kids stop teething, they start having tantrums. Just when they stop needing our help taking a bath, they need our help dealing with cyberstalking or bullying.
A evo i loših vesti. Skoro svi su u potpunosti savladani haosom koji vlada u porodičnom životu. Svi roditelji koje znam, uključujući i mene, osećaju se kao da konstantno igraju u odbrani. Čim našoj deci prestanu da rastu zubi, javljaju se nastupi besa. Čim im više ne treba naša pomoć pri kupanju, potrebna im je pomoć da se izbore sa sajber-uhođenjem ili maltretiranjem.
And here's the worst news of all. Our children sense we're out of control. Ellen Galinsky of the Families and Work Institute asked 1,000 children, "If you were granted one wish about your parents, what would it be?" The parents predicted the kids would say, spending more time with them. They were wrong. The kids' number one wish? That their parents be less tired and less stressed.
A evo najgore vesti od svih. Naša deca su svesna da gubimo kontrolu. Elen Galinski sa Instituta za porodicu i rad pitala je 1000 dece: "Da imate jednu želju u vezi sa vašim roditeljima, šta bi ona bila?" Roditelji su pretpostavili da će deca reći da je to da provode više vremena s njima. Pogrešili su. Šta je dečija želja broj jedan? Da im roditelji budu odmorniji i pod manjim stresom.
So how can we change this dynamic? Are there concrete things we can do to reduce stress, draw our family closer, and generally prepare our children to enter the world?
Kako možemo da promenimo ovu dinamiku? Da li postoje neke određene stvari kojima možemo da umanjimo stres i približimo naše porodice i uopšteno spremimo našu decu za ulazak u svet?
I spent the last few years trying to answer that question, traveling around, meeting families, talking to scholars, experts ranging from elite peace negotiators to Warren Buffett's bankers to the Green Berets. I was trying to figure out, what do happy families do right and what can I learn from them to make my family happier?
Proveo sam proteklih nekoliko godina pokušavajući da nađem odgovor, putovao sam, upoznavao porodice, razgovarao sa naučnicima, stručnjacima, od elitnih mirovnih pregovarača preko uspešnih bankara, do američkih vojnika. Pokušavao sam da shvatim šta srećne porodice rade drugačije i šta mogu da naučim od njih kako bi moja porodica bila srećnija.
I want to tell you about one family that I met, and why I think they offer clues. At 7 p.m. on a Sunday in Hidden Springs, Idaho, where the six members of the Starr family are sitting down to the highlight of their week: the family meeting. The Starrs are a regular American family with their share of regular American family problems. David is a software engineer. Eleanor takes care of their four children, ages 10 to 15. One of those kids tutors math on the far side of town. One has lacrosse on the near side of town. One has Asperger syndrome. One has ADHD.
Želim da vam kažem nešto o jednoj porodici koju sam sreo i zašto mislim da nam ona nudi smernice. U 7 časova popodne nedeljom u Hiden Springsu, u Ajdahu, šestoro članova porodice Star zasedaju za vrhunac njihove nedelje: porodični sastanak. Porodica Star je prosečna američka porodica sa prosečnim problemima američke porodice. Dejvid je softverski inženjer. Elenor brine o njihovih četvoro dece, starosti između 10 i 15 godina. Jedno od te dece ide na matematiku na suprotnom delu grada. Jedno trenira lakros u blizini. Jedno pati od Aspergerovog sindroma. Jedno ima hiperkinetički poremećaj.
"We were living in complete chaos," Eleanor said.
"Živeli smo u potpunom haosu," rekla je Elenor.
What the Starrs did next, though, was surprising. Instead of turning to friends or relatives, they looked to David's workplace. They turned to a cutting-edge program called agile development that was just spreading from manufacturers in Japan to startups in Silicon Valley. In agile, workers are organized into small groups and do things in very short spans of time. So instead of having executives issue grand proclamations, the team in effect manages itself. You have constant feedback. You have daily update sessions. You have weekly reviews. You're constantly changing. David said when they brought this system into their home, the family meetings in particular increased communication, decreased stress, and made everybody happier to be part of the family team. When my wife and I adopted these family meetings and other techniques into the lives of our then-five-year-old twin daughters, it was the biggest single change we made since our daughters were born. And these meetings had this effect while taking under 20 minutes.
Sledeće što je porodica Star uradila, ipak, bilo je iznenađujuće. Umesto da su se obratili prijateljima ili rođacima, oni su pogledali Dejvidovo radno mesto. Osvrnuli su se na inovativan program - agilni razvoj, koji se u tom trenutku širio od proizvođača u Japanu do startap kompanija u Silikonskoj dolini. U agilnom okruženju, radnici su podeljeni u male grupe i rade stvari u veoma kratkom vremenskom roku. Umesto da direktori izdaju velike proglase, tim u stvari upravlja samim sobom. Postoji stalna povratna informacija. Dnevne sesije o najnovijim informacijama. Postoje nedeljni pregledi. Stalno se menjate. Dejvid je rekao da se kada je uveo ovaj sistem u njihov dom, posebno porodične sastanke, komunikacija poboljšala, stres smanjio i svako je bio srećniji što je deo porodičnog tima. Kada smo moja supruga i ja usvojili ove porodične sastanke i druge tehnike u živote naših tada petogodišnjih bliznakinja, to je bila najveća promena od kada su naše ćerke rođene. Ovi sastanci su imali toliki efekat, a trajali su manje od 20 minuta.
So what is Agile, and why can it help with something that seems so different, like families? In 1983, Jeff Sutherland was a technologist at a financial firm in New England. He was very frustrated with how software got designed. Companies followed the waterfall method, right, in which executives issued orders that slowly trickled down to programmers below, and no one had ever consulted the programmers. Eighty-three percent of projects failed. They were too bloated or too out of date by the time they were done. Sutherland wanted to create a system where ideas didn't just percolate down but could percolate up from the bottom and be adjusted in real time. He read 30 years of Harvard Business Review before stumbling upon an article in 1986 called "The New New Product Development Game." It said that the pace of business was quickening -- and by the way, this was in 1986 -- and the most successful companies were flexible. It highlighted Toyota and Canon and likened their adaptable, tight-knit teams to rugby scrums. As Sutherland told me, we got to that article, and said, "That's it." In Sutherland's system, companies don't use large, massive projects that take two years. They do things in small chunks. Nothing takes longer than two weeks. So instead of saying, "You guys go off into that bunker and come back with a cell phone or a social network," you say, "You go off and come up with one element, then bring it back. Let's talk about it. Let's adapt." You succeed or fail quickly. Today, agile is used in a hundred countries, and it's sweeping into management suites. Inevitably, people began taking some of these techniques and applying it to their families. You had blogs pop up, and some manuals were written. Even the Sutherlands told me that they had an Agile Thanksgiving, where you had one group of people working on the food, one setting the table, and one greeting visitors at the door. Sutherland said it was the best Thanksgiving ever.
Šta je onda agilno, i zašto ono može da pomogne s nečim što deluje toliko različito, kao što su porodice? 1983. Džef Saderlend bio je tehnolog u finansijskoj firmi u Novoj Engleskoj. Bio je veoma frustriran načinom na koji se vršio dizajn softvera. Kompanije su pratile metodu vodopada, u kojoj su nadređeni izdavali naređenja, koja su polako curela ka programerima pod njima i niko se nikada nije konsultovao sa programerima. 83 procenta projekata je bilo neuspešno. Bili su preobimni ili su previše kasnili do vremena kada bi ih dovršili. Saderlend je želeo da stvori sistem u kome ideje neće teći samo ka dole, nego će se i uspinjati na gore i biti prilagođavane u realnom vremenu. Iščitao je 30 godina Harvardskog poslovnog časopisa kada je naleteo na članak iz 1986. pod nazivom: "Nova nova igra razvoja proizvoda". U njemu je stajalo da se tempo poslovanja ubrzava - imajte na umu, ovo je bilo 1986. - i da su najuspešnije kompanije fleksibilne. Tojota i Kenon su izdvojene, a njihovi usko povezani, prilagodljivi timovi poređeni su sa gomilom u ragbiju. Kao što mi je Saderlend rekao, stigli smo do tog članka i rekli: "To je to." Prema Saderlendovom sistemu, kompanije nemaju velike, masivne projekte koji traju po dve godine. One to rade rasparčano. Ništa ne traje duže od dve nedelje. Umesto da kažemo: "Vi momci idite u ono skladište i dođite nam sa telefonom ili društvenom mrežom," mi govorimo: "Idite i smislite jedan element i donesite nam ga. Hajde da popričamo o njemu. Da ga prilagodimo." Uspeh ili neuspeh se dešava brzo. Danas, agilni pristup koristi se u stotinu država i zalazi i u modele upravljanja. Neizbežno, ljudi počinju da preuzimaju neke od ovih tehnika i primenjuju ih na svoje porodice. Pojavilo se nekoliko blogova i pisali su uputstva. Čak mi je i Saderlend rekao da su oni imali agilan Dan zahvalnosti, gde je jedna grupa ljudi spremala hranu, jedna postavljala sto, a jedna na vratima pozdravljala goste. Saderlend je rekao da je to bio najbolji Dan zahvalnosti ikada.
So let's take one problem that families face, crazy mornings, and talk about how agile can help. A key plank is accountability, so teams use information radiators, these large boards in which everybody is accountable. So the Starrs, in adapting this to their home, created a morning checklist in which each child is expected to tick off chores. So on the morning I visited, Eleanor came downstairs, poured herself a cup of coffee, sat in a reclining chair, and she sat there, kind of amiably talking to each of her children as one after the other they came downstairs, checked the list, made themselves breakfast, checked the list again, put the dishes in the dishwasher, rechecked the list, fed the pets or whatever chores they had, checked the list once more, gathered their belongings, and made their way to the bus. It was one of the most astonishing family dynamics I have ever seen.
Hajde da uzmemo jedan problem sa kojim se porodice suočavaju, užurbana jutra, i hajde da vidimo kako agilnost može da pomogne. Ključan element je obaveštenost i zato timovi koriste odašiljače informacija, ogromne table na kojima se nalaze svi članovi. Porodica Star je ovo prilagodila svom domu stvaranjem jutarnjeg spiska obaveza na kome svako dete obeležava završene poslove. Onog jutra kada sam ih posetio, Elenor je sišla niz stepenice, nasula sebi šolju kafe, sela na stolicu sa naslonom i dok je sedela tamo ljubazno je razgovarala sa svakim detetom kako su se jedno po jedno spuštali sa sprata, označavali listu i spremali sebi doručak, ponovo označavali listu, stavili posuđe u mašinu, vratili se na listu, nahranili ljubimce ili obavili neku drugu obavezu, joj jednom obeležili listu, skupili stvari i krenuli na autobus. Bila je to jedna od najzapanjujućih porodičnih dinamika koje sam video.
And when I strenuously objected this would never work in our house,
I kada sam uporno tvrdio da ovo nikad ne bi funkcionisalo kod nas,
our kids needed way too much monitoring,
da je našoj deci potrebno mnogo više nadgledanja,
Eleanor looked at me.
Elenor me je pogledala.
"That's what I thought," she said. "I told David, 'keep your work out of my kitchen.' But I was wrong."
"To sam i ja mislila". "Rekla sam Dejvidu: 'Drži posao podalje od moje kuhinje.' Ali sam pogrešila."
So I turned to David: "So why does it work?"
Okrenuo sam se ka Dejvidu: "Zašto ovo radi?"
He said, "You can't underestimate the power of doing this." And he made a checkmark. He said, "In the workplace, adults love it. With kids, it's heaven."
Rekao je: "Ne smemo potcenjivati snagu ovoga." Otkačio je stavku na listi. Rekao je: "Odrasli vole ovo da rade na radnom mestu. Sa decom, ovo je raj."
The week we introduced a morning checklist into our house, it cut parental screaming in half. (Laughter) But the real change didn't come until we had these family meetings. So following the agile model, we ask three questions: What worked well in our family this week, what didn't work well, and what will we agree to work on in the week ahead? Everyone throws out suggestions and then we pick two to focus on. And suddenly the most amazing things started coming out of our daughters' mouths. What worked well this week? Getting over our fear of riding bikes. Making our beds. What didn't work well? Our math sheets, or greeting visitors at the door. Like a lot of parents, our kids are something like Bermuda Triangles. Like, thoughts and ideas go in, but none ever comes out, I mean at least not that are revealing. This gave us access suddenly to their innermost thoughts. But the most surprising part was when we turned to, what are we going to work on in the week ahead? You know, the key idea of agile is that teams essentially manage themselves, and it works in software and it turns out that it works with kids. Our kids love this process. So they would come up with all these ideas. You know, greet five visitors at the door this week, get an extra 10 minutes of reading before bed. Kick someone, lose desserts for a month. It turns out, by the way, our girls are little Stalins. We constantly have to kind of dial them back. Now look, naturally there's a gap between their kind of conduct in these meetings and their behavior the rest of the week, but the truth is it didn't really bother us. It felt like we were kind of laying these underground cables that wouldn't light up their world for many years to come.
One nedelje kada smo uveli jutarnju listu u naš dom, roditeljska vika se prepolovila. (Smeh) Ali se stvarna promena nije desila dok nismo uveli porodične sastanke. Prateći agilni model, postavljamo tri pitanja: Šta je funkcionisalo ove nedelje u našoj porodici, šta nije funkcionisalo i na čemu se slažemo da ćemo raditi sledeće nedelje? Svako iznosi predloge i biramo dva na koja se usredređujemo. I iznenada, naše devojčice su počele da govore najneverovatnije stvari. Šta je funkcionisalo ove nedelje? Prevazišli smo strah od voženja bicikala. Nameštanja kreveta. Šta nije funkcionisalo? Zadaci iz matematike, pozdravljanje gostiju na vratima. Kao i u većini porodica, naša deca su nešto poput Bermudskog trougla. Misli i ideje ulaze, ali nikad nijedna ne izlazi. Barem ne neke od značaja. Ovo nam je odjednom pružilo pristup njihovim najskrivenijim mislima. Ali nas je najviše iznenadilo kada smo se osvrnuli na to šta ćemo da radimo naredne nedelje. Znate, ključ agilnosti je da timovi suštinski upravljaju samim sobom i to radi u razvoju softvera i ispostavilo se da radi i sa decom. Naša deca vole ovaj proces. Dolazili bi nam sa mnogim idejama. Pozdraviti pet gostiju na vratima ove nedelje, čitati 10 minuta više pre spavanja. Mesec dana bez deserta ako šutnu nekoga. Ispostavilo se, inače, da su naša deca mali Staljini. Stalno smo morali da ih usmeravamo. Vidite, prirodno je da postoji jaz između njihovog ponašanja na ovim sastancima i ponašanja tokom ostatka sedmice, ali to nama nije zaista smetalo. Imali smo osećaj kao da postavljamo neke podzemne veze koje neće osvetljavati njihov svet još godinama.
Three years later -- our girls are almost eight now -- We're still holding these meetings. My wife counts them among her most treasured moments as a mom.
3 godine kasnije - naše devojčice imaju skoro 8 godina - još uvek održavamo ove sastanke. Moja supruga ih ubraja među najdraže trenutke majčinstva.
So what did we learn? The word "agile" entered the lexicon in 2001 when Jeff Sutherland and a group of designers met in Utah and wrote a 12-point Agile Manifesto. I think the time is right for an Agile Family Manifesto. I've taken some ideas from the Starrs and from many other families I met. I'm proposing three planks.
Šta smo naučili? Reč "agilno" ušla je u rečnik 2001. kada su se Džef Saderlend i grupa dizajnera susreli u Juti i sastavili Manifesto agila u 12 tačaka. Mislim da je stiglo vreme za Manifesto porodičnog agila. Preuzeo sam neke od ideja od Starovih i drugih porodica sa kojima sam se susreo. Predlažem tri osnovna načela.
Plank number one: Adapt all the time.
Načelo broj jedan: Stalno se prilagođavajte.
When I became a parent, I figured, you know what? We'll set a few rules and we'll stick to them. That assumes, as parents, we can anticipate every problem that's going to arise. We can't. What's great about the agile system is you build in a system of change so that you can react to what's happening to you in real time. It's like they say in the Internet world: if you're doing the same thing today you were doing six months ago, you're doing the wrong thing. Parents can learn a lot from that. But to me, "adapt all the time" means something deeper, too. We have to break parents out of this straitjacket that the only ideas we can try at home are ones that come from shrinks or self-help gurus or other family experts. The truth is, their ideas are stale, whereas in all these other worlds there are these new ideas to make groups and teams work effectively.
Kada sam postao roditelj, mislio sam, znate šta? Postavićemo nekoliko pravila i držaćemo ih se. To pretpostavlja, da mi, kao roditelji, predviđamo svaki problem koji će naići. To je nemoguće. Ono što je sjajno u agilnom sistemu je što se on gradi tokom promena tako da možete da reagujete na ono što se dešava u realnom vremenu. Kao što kažu na internetu: ako danas radite istu stvar koju ste radili pre šest meseci, ne radite pravu stvar. Roditelji mogu mnogo da nauče iz toga. Ali za mene "stalno prilagođavanje" znači i nešto više. Moramo da oslobodimo roditelje od sulude ideje da su jedine ideje koje možemo da pokušamo kod kuće one koje dolaze od psihologa ili gurua za samopomoć ili drugih porodičnih stručnjaka. Njihove ideje su zastarele, dok se svuda oko nas nalaze nove ideje pomoću kojih grupe i timovi uspešno sarađuju.
Let's just take a few examples. Let's take the biggest issue of all: family dinner. Everybody knows that having family dinner with your children is good for the kids. But for so many of us, it doesn't work in our lives. I met a celebrity chef in New Orleans who said, "No problem, I'll just time-shift family dinner. I'm not home, can't make family dinner? We'll have family breakfast. We'll meet for a bedtime snack. We'll make Sunday meals more important." And the truth is, recent research backs him up. It turns out there's only 10 minutes of productive time in any family meal. The rest of it's taken up with "take your elbows off the table" and "pass the ketchup." You can take that 10 minutes and move it to any part of the day and have the same benefit. So time-shift family dinner. That's adaptability.
Uzmimo nekoliko primera. Uzmimo najveći problem: porodični ručak. Svi znaju da su porodični ručkovi dobri za decu. Ali za mnoge od nas to nije izvodljivo. Upoznao sam poznatog kuvara u Nju Orleansu koji je rekao: "Nema problema, pomeriću porodični ručak. Nisam kod kuće i ne mogu da kuvam? Imaćemo porodični doručak. Sastaćemo se za užinu pred spavanje. Nedeljni ručak će biti važniji." Skorašnja istraživanja podupiru njegove reči. Ispostavilo se da postoji samo 10 minuta produktivnog vremena prilikom bilo kog porodičnog obroka. Ostatak vremena oduzima "pomeri laktove sa stola" i "dodaj kečap". Tih 10 minuta može se pomeriti na bilo koji deo dana i imaće isti doprinos. Pomeranje porodičnog ručka. To je prilagođavanje.
An environmental psychologist told me, "If you're sitting in a hard chair on a rigid surface, you'll be more rigid. If you're sitting on a cushioned chair, you'll be more open." She told me, "When you're discipling your children, sit in an upright chair with a cushioned surface. The conversation will go better." My wife and I actually moved where we sit for difficult conversations because I was sitting above in the power position. So move where you sit. That's adaptability.
Psiholog okoline mi je rekao: "Ako sedite na tvrdoj stolici na krutoj površini i vi ćete biti kruti." Ako sedite na mekoj stolici, bićete otvoreniji." Rekla mi je: "Kada vaspitavate decu, sedite u stolici sa ravnim naslonom koja ima jastuk. Razgovor će bolje teći." Supruga i ja smo promenili mesto gde vodimo teške razgovore jer sam ja sedeo više, na mestu moći. Promenite mesto na kome sedite. To je prilagođavanje.
The point is there are all these new ideas out there. We've got to hook them up with parents. So plank number one: Adapt all the time. Be flexible, be open-minded, let the best ideas win.
Suština je da postoje sve ove nove ideje. Moramo ih povezati sa roditeljstvom. Dakle, prvo načelo: Stalno se prilagođavajte. Budite fleksibilni, otvoreni, dozvolite da pobedi najbolja ideja.
Plank number two: Empower your children. Our instinct as parents is to order our kids around. It's easier, and frankly, we're usually right. There's a reason that few systems have been more waterfall over time than the family. But the single biggest lesson we learned is to reverse the waterfall as much as possible. Enlist the children in their own upbringing. Just yesterday, we were having our family meeting, and we had voted to work on overreacting. So we said, "Okay, give us a reward and give us a punishment. Okay?" So one of my daughters threw out, you get five minutes of overreacting time all week. So we kind of liked that. But then her sister started working the system. She said, "Do I get one five-minute overreaction or can I get 10 30-second overreactions?" I loved that. Spend the time however you want. Now give us a punishment. Okay. If we get 15 minutes of overreaction time, that's the limit. Every minute above that, we have to do one pushup. So you see, this is working. Now look, this system isn't lax. There's plenty of parental authority going on. But we're giving them practice becoming independent, which of course is our ultimate goal. Just as I was leaving to come here tonight, one of my daughters started screaming. The other one said, "Overreaction! Overreaction!" and started counting, and within 10 seconds it had ended. To me that is a certified agile miracle. (Laughter) (Applause) And by the way, research backs this up too. Children who plan their own goals, set weekly schedules, evaluate their own work build up their frontal cortex and take more control over their lives. The point is, we have to let our children succeed on their own terms, and yes, on occasion, fail on their own terms. I was talking to Warren Buffett's banker, and he was chiding me for not letting my children make mistakes with their allowance. And I said, "But what if they drive into a ditch?" He said, "It's much better to drive into a ditch with a $6 allowance than a $60,000-a-year salary or a $6 million inheritance." So the bottom line is, empower your children.
Načelo broj dva: Osposobite svoju decu. Naš instinkt kao roditelja je da naređujemo deci. Lakše je, a iskreno, obično smo u pravu. Postoji razlog zašto je porodica jedan od sistema koji je najviše nalik vodopadu. Ali najbitnija lekcija koju smo naučili je da vodopad preokrenemo što je više moguće. Angažujte decu u njihovom odgajanju. Juče smo imali porodični sastanak i složili smo se da radimo na preteranim reakcijama. Rekli smo: "Okej, dajte nam nagradu i kaznu. U redu?" Jedna od ćerki je predložila, nedeljno imamo pet minuta za preterane reakcije. To nam se svidelo. Ali njena sestra je počela da koristi sistem. Rekla je: "Da li imam jednu preteranu reakciju od pet minuta ili 10 preteranih reakcija od 30 sekundi? To mi se svidelo. Provodi vreme kako želiš. Sad nam daj kaznu. U redu. Ako preterano reagujemo 15 minuta, to je ograničenje. Za svaki minut preko toga, moramo da uradimo jedan sklek. Vidite, to je rad. Gledajte, sistem nije blag. Ima dosta roditeljskog autoriteta. Ali vežbamo ih u tome da budu nezavisne, što je naravno naš krajnji cilj. Baš kada sam kretao ovde večeras, jedna od mojih ćerki počela je da vrišti. Druga je rekla: "Preterana reakcija! Preterana reakcija!" i počela je da broji, i to se završilo nakon 10 sekundi. Za mene je to potvrda čuda agilnosti. (Smeh) (Aplauz) Uzgred, ovo je potvrđeno i istraživanjem. Deca koja postavljaju svoje ciljeve, imaju nedeljne rasporede, procenjuju svoj rad, poboljšavaju frontalni korteks i imaju više kontrole nad svojim životima. Poenta je sledeća - moramo dozvoliti deci da uspeju pod sopstvenim uslovima, i da, ponekad da prihvatimo i njihove. Pričao sam sa bankarom Vorena Bafeta i gunđao mi je što ne dopuštam deci da greše sa svojim džeparcem. I rekao sam: "A šta ako nalete na zid?" On je rekao: "Bolje je da nalete na zid sa džeparcem od 6 dolara nego platom od 60 000 dolara ili nasledstvom od 6 miliona dolara." Suština je u tome da osposobite svoju decu.
Plank number three: Tell your story. Adaptability is fine, but we also need bedrock. Jim Collins, the author of "Good To Great," told me that successful human organizations of any kind have two things in common: they preserve the core, they stimulate progress. So agile is great for stimulating progress, but I kept hearing time and again, you need to preserve the core. So how do you do that? Collins coached us on doing something that businesses do, which is define your mission and identify your core values. So he led us through the process of creating a family mission statement. We did the family equivalent of a corporate retreat. We had a pajama party. I made popcorn. Actually, I burned one, so I made two. My wife bought a flip chart. And we had this great conversation, like, what's important to us? What values do we most uphold? And we ended up with 10 statements. We are travelers, not tourists. We don't like dilemmas. We like solutions. Again, research shows that parents should spend less time worrying about what they do wrong and more time focusing on what they do right, worry less about the bad times and build up the good times. This family mission statement is a great way to identify what it is that you do right.
Načelo broj tri: ispričajte svoju priču. Prilagodljivost je u redu, ali su nam potrebni i temelji. Džim Kolins, pisac knjige "Dobro do sjajnog", rekao mi je da sve uspešne ljudske organizacije imaju dve zajedničke stvari: čuvaju jezgro i stimulišu napredak. Agilnost je sjajna za stimulaciju napretka ali sam sve češće čuo da treba da se sačuva jezgro. Pa kako to uraditi? Kolins nas je podučavao da radimo nešto što rade firme, da definišemo svoju misiju i otkrijemo svoje ključne vrednosti. Proveo nas je kroz proces stvaranja izjave o misiji naše porodice. Uradili smo porodičnu verziju poslovnog sastanka. Imali smo žurku u pidžamama. Napravio sam kokice. Zapravo, prve sam spalio, pa sam napravio još jedne. Supruga je kupila konferencijsku tablu. Imali smo sjajan razgovor o tome šta nam je bitno. Koje vrednosti najviše cenimo? Dobili smo 10 izjava. Mi smo putnici, ne turisti. Ne volimo dileme, već rešenja. Još jednom, istraživanja pokazuju da roditelji treba da provode manje vremena brinući o tome šta rade kako ne treba a više vremena fokusirajući se na ono što rade kako treba, da manje brinu o lošim vremenima i rade na dobrim. Ova izjava o misiji je sjajan način da identifikujete šta je to što radite dobro.
A few weeks later, we got a call from the school. One of our daughters had gotten into a spat. And suddenly we were worried, like, do we have a mean girl on our hands? And we didn't really know what to do, so we called her into my office. The family mission statement was on the wall, and my wife said, "So, anything up there seem to apply?" And she kind of looked down the list, and she said, "Bring people together?" Suddenly we had a way into the conversation.
Nekoliko nedelja kasnije, zvali su nas iz škole. Jedna od naših ćerki se posvađala s nekim. Odjednom smo se zabrinuli, da li je ona zlobna? Nismo znali šta radimo, pa smo je pozvali u moju kancelariju. Izjava o misiji bila je na zidu a moja supruga je rekla: "Da li je nešto odatle primenljivo?" Pogledala je na listu i rekla: "Spajanje ljudi?" Odjednom smo imali početak razgovora.
Another great way to tell your story is to tell your children where they came from. Researchers at Emory gave children a simple "what do you know" test. Do you know where your grandparents were born? Do you know where your parents went to high school? Do you know anybody in your family who had a difficult situation, an illness, and they overcame it? The children who scored highest on this "do you know" scale had the highest self-esteem and a greater sense they could control their lives. The "do you know" test was the single biggest predictor of emotional health and happiness. As the author of the study told me, children who have a sense of -- they're part of a larger narrative have greater self-confidence. So my final plank is, tell your story. Spend time retelling the story of your family's positive moments and how you overcame the negative ones. If you give children this happy narrative, you give them the tools to make themselves happier.
Još jedan sjajan način da ispričate priču je da deci kažete nešto o poreklu. Istraživači iz Emorija su decu jednostavno pitali: "Šta znate?" Znate li gde su rođeni vaši baba i deda? Znate li u koju srednju školu su išli vaši roditelji? Znate li nekoga u vašoj porodici ko je bio u teškoj situaciji poput bolesti, i da je prevazišao to? Deca sa najvišim rezultatima na ovom testu imala su najviše samopouzdanja i najjači osećaj kontrole nad svojim životima. Test "šta znaš" je bio najveći faktor predviđanja emotivnog zdravlja i sreće. Kao što je rekao autor istraživanja, deca koja imaju osećaj - deo su veće priče i imaju više samopouzdanja. Poslednje načelo je - ispričajte svoju priču. Provedite vreme prepričavajući pozitivne trenutke vaše porodice i kako ste prevazišli negativne. Ako deci date ove srećne priče, dajete im alat da sebe učine srećnijima.
I was a teenager when I first read "Anna Karenina" and its famous opening sentence, "All happy families are alike. Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." When I first read that, I thought, "That sentence is inane. Of course all happy families aren't alike." But as I began working on this project, I began changing my mind. Recent scholarship has allowed us, for the first time, to identify the building blocks that successful families have. I've mentioned just three here today: Adapt all the time, empower the children, tell your story. Is it possible, all these years later, to say Tolstoy was right? The answer, I believe, is yes. When Leo Tolstoy was five years old, his brother Nikolay came to him and said he had engraved the secret to universal happiness on a little green stick, which he had hidden in a ravine on the family's estate in Russia. If the stick were ever found, all humankind would be happy. Tolstoy became consumed with that stick, but he never found it. In fact, he asked to be buried in that ravine where he thought it was hidden. He still lies there today, covered in a layer of green grass. That story perfectly captures for me the final lesson that I learned: Happiness is not something we find, it's something we make. Almost anybody who's looked at well-run organizations has come to pretty much the same conclusion. Greatness is not a matter of circumstance. It's a matter of choice. You don't need some grand plan. You don't need a waterfall. You just need to take small steps, accumulate small wins, keep reaching for that green stick. In the end, this may be the greatest lesson of all. What's the secret to a happy family? Try.
Bio sam tinejdžer kada sam prvi put čitao Anu Karenjinu i čuvenu prvu rečenicu knjige: "Sve srećne porodice liče jedna na drugu. Svaka nesrećna porodica je nesrećna na svoj način." Kada sam prvi put to pročitao, pomislio sam: "Ta rečenica je glupa. Naravno da sve srećne porodice ne liče jedna na drugu." Ali kako sam počeo da radim na ovom projektu, počeo sam da menjam mišljenje. Nedavna stipendija nam je dozvolila da po prvi put identifikujemo osnove srećnih porodica. Danas sam spomenuo samo tri: stalno prilagođavanje, osposobljavanje i pričanje svoje priče. Da li je nakon svih ovih godina moguće reći da je Tolstoj bio u pravu? Verujem da to jeste slučaj. Kada je Lav Tolstoj imao pet godina, njegov brat Nikolaj mu je prišao i rekao da je urezao tajnu opšte sreće na mali zeleni štap koji je sakrio u uvali na porodičnom imanju u Rusiji. Kada bi neko pronašao štap, celo čovečanstvo bilo bi srećno. Tolstoj je postao opsednut tim štapom, ali ga nikada nije našao. Zapravo, tražio je da ga sahrane u toj uvali gde je mislio da je skriven. I danas počiva tamo, pokriven slojem zelene trave. Ova priča za mene savršeno obuhvata poslednju lekciju koju sam naučio: sreću ne nalazimo, već je stvaramo. Skoro svako ko je pogledao ogranizacije sa dobrim vođstvom došao je do skoro istog zaključka. Uspeh nije stvar okolnosti. Stvar je izbora. Ne treba vam neki veliki plan. Ne treba vam vodopad. Samo koračajte malim koracima, zbrajajte male pobede i nastavite da posežete za tim zelenim štapom. Možda je na kraju ovo i najveća lekcija. Šta je tajna srećne porodice? Pokušajte.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)