So, I'll start with this: a couple years ago, an event planner called me because I was going to do a speaking event. And she called, and she said, "I'm really struggling with how to write about you on the little flyer." And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?" And she said, "Well, I saw you speak, and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think, but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come, because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant."
Počeću ovim: pre par godina, pozvao me je organizator događaja jer je trebalo da govorim na nekoj tribini. Nazvala je i rekla: "Strašno se patim sa tim šta da napišem o Vama na flajeru." Pomislila sam: "Pa, šta Vas muči?" Odgovorila je: "Pa, gledala sam Vaše govore, i mislim da ću Vas imenovati istraživačem, ali se bojim da u tom slučaju niko neće doći, jer će misliti da ste dosadni i nebitni."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And I was like, "Okay." And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk is you're a storyteller. So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller." And of course, the academic, insecure part of me was like, "You're going to call me a what?" And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller." And I was like, "Why not 'magic pixie'?"
Okej. I reče: "Ali ono što mi se u Vašem govoru dopada je to što ste vi pripovedač. Pa mislim da ću vas tako i nazvati." I naravno da je akademski, nesigurni deo mene pomislio: "Kako ćeš me nazvati?" Na šta je ona rekla: "Zvaću Vas pripovedač." Pomislila sam: "A što ne magična vila?"
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I was like, "Let me think about this for a second." I tried to call deep on my courage. And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller. I'm a qualitative researcher. I collect stories; that's what I do. And maybe stories are just data with a soul. And maybe I'm just a storyteller. And so I said, "You know what? Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller." And she went, "Ha ha. There's no such thing."
Rekla sam: "Hajde da razmislim malo o tome." Pokušala sam da pozovem moju sakrivenu hrabrost. Pomislila sam, ja jesam pripovedač. I jesam kvalitativni istraživač. Sakupljam priče; to je ono što činim. I možda su priče podaci sa dušom. I možda sam ja samo pripovedač. Pa sam rekla: "Znate šta? Zašto ne kažete da sam ja istraživač - pripovedač." A ona je: "Haha, tako nešto ne postoji."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
So I'm a researcher-storyteller, and I'm going to talk to you today -- we're talking about expanding perception -- and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception and really actually changed the way that I live and love and work and parent.
Dakle, ja sam istraživač - pripovedač, i govoriću vam danas o - govorili smo o proširenju percepcije - pa želim da vam predstavim par priča o delu mog istraživanja koje je suštinski proširilo moju percepciju i koje je zaista promenilo način na koji živim i volim radim, vaspitavam.
And this is where my story starts. When I was a young researcher, doctoral student, my first year, I had a research professor who said to us, "Here's the thing, if you cannot measure it, it does not exist." And I thought he was just sweet-talking me. I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely." And so you have to understand that I have a bachelor's and a master's in social work, and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work, so my entire academic career was surrounded by people who kind of believed in the "life's messy, love it." And I'm more of the, "life's messy, clean it up, organize it and put it into a bento box."
A moja priča počinje ovde. Dok sam bila mladi istraživač, na doktroskim studijama, na prvoj godini imala sam profesora koji nam je rekao: "Evo o čemu se radi, ako nešto ne možete da izmerite, to ne postoji." Pomislila sam kako mi ugađa slatkim rečima. Rekla sam: "Stvarno?", a on: "Naravno." I morate razumeti da imam diplomu iz socijalnog rada, titulu mastera iz socijalnog rada, i radila sam na doktoratu iz oblasti socijalnog rada, tako da je čitava moja akademska karijera bila okružena ljudima koji su na neki način verovali da je život neuredan, volite ga. A ja sam više - život je neuredan, očistite ga, organizujte,
(Laughter)
i stavite ga u kutije sa pregradama.
And so to think that I had found my way, to found a career that takes me -- really, one of the big sayings in social work is, "Lean into the discomfort of the work." And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head and move it over and get all A's. That was my mantra. So I was very excited about this. And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me, because I am interested in some messy topics. But I want to be able to make them not messy. I want to understand them. I want to hack into these things that I know are important and lay the code out for everyone to see.
(Smeh) I pomisliti da sam pronašla svoj put, karijeru koja me vodi - zaista, jedna od važnih odlika socijalnog rada jeste oslanjanje na neprijatnosti posla. I ja sam za to da treba okrenuti neprijatnost nagalavačke, prevazići je i okrenuti na dobro. To je bila moja mantra. I bila sam vrlo uzbuđena zbog toga. I pomislila sam, znate šta, ovo jeste posao za mene, jer me zanimaju zbrkane teme. Ali želim biti sposobna da ih učinim nezbrkanima. Želim da ih razumem. Želim da proniknem u te stvari koje znam da su važne i da njihovu tajnu prikažem svima.
So where I started was with connection. Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years, what you realize is that connection is why we're here. It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. This is what it's all about. It doesn't matter whether you talk to people who work in social justice, mental health and abuse and neglect, what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is -- neurobiologically that's how we're wired -- it's why we're here.
Tako sam počela od veza. Jer posle 10 godina rada kao socijalni radnik, shvatite da su veze ono zbog čega smo ovde. To je ono što našim životima daje smisao i svrhu. O tome se zapravo radi. Nije bitno da li razgovarate sa ljudima koji rade u odseku za pravdu i mentalno zdravlje, zlostavljanje i zanemarivanje, ono što znamo je da veze, sposobnost da se osećate povezanima je - neurobiološki smo tako povezani - zbog toga smo ovde.
So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection. Well, you know that situation where you get an evaluation from your boss, and she tells you 37 things that you do really awesome, and one "opportunity for growth?"
Pa sam pomislila, znate šta, počeću od veza. Znate onu situaciju kada dobijete evaluaciju od svog šefa, i ona vam kaže 37 stvari koje radite zaista dobro, i jednu stvar - priliku za razvijanje?
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right? Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well, because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask people about belonging, they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded. And when you ask people about connection, the stories they told me were about disconnection.
I jedina stvar o kojoj razmišljate jeste ta prilika za rast, zar ne? Izgleda da je i moj rad krenuo tim putem, jer kada pitate ljude o ljubavi, oni vam pričaju o slomljenom srcu. Kada pitate ljude o pripadanju, ispričaće vam najmučnije iskustvo kada su bili isključeni. A kada pitate ljude o vezama, priče koje su mi govorili bile su o nepovezanosti.
So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research -- I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen. And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is. And it turned out to be shame. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?
Dakle vrlo brzo - oko šeste nedelje mog istraživanja - naletela sam na tu neimenovanu stvar koja je potpuno razotkrila vezu na način koji nisam razumela niti ikada videla. Povukla sam se iz istraživanja i pomislila kako moram da shvatim o čemu se radi. Ispostavilo se da je to sramota. A sramotu je zaista lako razumeti kao strah od nepovezanosti. Da li postoji nešto o meni, što drugi mogu videti ili saznati, a što me neće činiti dostojnom veze?
The things I can tell you about it: It's universal; we all have it. The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection. No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it, the more you have it. What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough," -- which, we all know that feeling: "I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough." The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability. This idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.
Par činjenica o tome: to je univerzalno, svi to imamo. Jedini ljudi koji ne osećaju sramotu nemaju kapacitet za ljudsku saosećajnost ili povezanost. Niko ne želi da govori o tome, a što manje o tome govorimo, to je ono sve prisutnije. Ono što potvrđuje sramotu, taj "nisam dovoljno dobar" - svima poznat osećaj: "Nisam dovoljno ispunjen. Nisam dovoljno mršav, dovoljno bogat, lep, pametan, unapređen." Činjenica koja to potvrđuje jeste jaka ranjivost, ta ideja da, da bi se stvorila veza, moramo dozvoliti sebi da nas vide, zaista vide.
And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability. And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick. I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out, I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame, I'm going to understand how vulnerability works, and I'm going to outsmart it. So I was ready, and I was really excited. As you know, it's not going to turn out well.
I znate šta mislim o ranjivosti. Ja mrzim ranjivost. I pomislila sam kako je ovo moja šansa da uzvratim udarac svojim štapom za merenje. Ulazim u to, provaliću tu stvar, provešću godinu dana, potpuno ću dekonstruisati sramotu, razumeću kako ranjivost radi, i nadmudriću je. Bila sam spremna i vrlo uzbuđena. Kao što znate, neće se dobro završiti.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
You know this. So, I could tell you a lot about shame, but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time. But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to -- and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned in the decade of doing this research.
Znate to. Mogla bih da vam kažem toliko toga o sramoti, ali morala bih uzeti vreme drugih govornika. Ali evo na šta se sve svodi - i to može biti jedna od najvažnijih stvari koje sam naučila u deceniji ovog istraživanja.
My one year turned into six years: Thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups. At one point, people were sending me journal pages and sending me their stories -- thousands of pieces of data in six years. And I kind of got a handle on it. I kind of understood, this is what shame is, this is how it works. I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay -- and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness -- that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness -- they have a strong sense of love and belonging -- and folks who struggle for it, and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.
Moja godina je prešla u šest godina, hiljade priča, stotine dugih intervjua, fokus grupa. U jednom trenutku, ljudi su mi slali novinske stranice i svoje priče - na hiljade informacija za šest godina. I nekako sam počela da se navikavam na to. Nekako sam razumela, ovo je sramota, ovako radi. Napisala sam knjigu, objavila teoriju, ali nešto nije bilo ok - ako grubo podelim ljude koje sam intervjuisala na grupu koja zaista razume osećaj vrednosti - na to se na kraju svodi, osećaj vrednosti - imaju jak osećaj ljubavi i pripadnosti - i na grupu ljudi koji se sa tim bore, koji se uvek pitaju da li su dovoljno dobri.
There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it. They believe they're worthy. And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection, was something that, personally and professionally, I felt like I needed to understand better. So what I did is I took all of the interviews where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way, and just looked at those.
Postojala je samo jedna promenljiva koja je razdvajala ljude koji imaju jak osećaj ljubavi i pripadnosti i ljude koji se zaista bore za to. I ljudi koji imaju jak osećaj ljubavi i pripadnosti veruju da zaslužuju ljubav i pripadanje. To je to. Veruju da su vredni. I za mene, ono što nas drži izvan veze, jedna stvar, jeste upravo naš strah da nismo dostojni veze. A to je nešto što sam i lično i profesionalno osećala da moram bolje razumeti. Uradila sam sledeće: uzela sam sve intervjue u kojima sam videla dostojnost, gde sam videla da ljudi žive tako, i pregledala samo njih.
What do these people have in common? I have a slight office supply addiction, but that's another talk. So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie, and I was like, what am I going to call this research? And the first words that came to my mind were "whole-hearted." These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness. So I wrote at the top of the manila folder, and I started looking at the data. In fact, I did it first in a four-day, very intensive data analysis, where I went back, pulled the interviews, the stories, pulled the incidents. What's the theme? What's the pattern? My husband left town with the kids because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing, where I'm just writing and in my researcher mode.
Šta ti ljudi imaju zajedničko? Ja imam blagu zavisnost od kancelarijskog materijala, ali to je druga priča. Dakle, imala sam kartonske fascikle i marker. i razmišljala sam kako da nazovem ovo istraživanje? I prva reč koja mi se javila, bila je "svesrdno". Ovo su svesrdni ljudi, koji žive iz tog dubokog osećanja dostojnosti. Napisala sam na vrhu fascikle, i počela sam da gledam podatke. Zapravo, prvo sam provela četiri dana intenzivno analizirajući podatke, kada sam se vratila, izvukla intervjue, priče, slučajnosti. Šta je tema? Ima li pravilnosti? Moj muž je otišao iz grada sa decom, jer uvek upadnem u tu ludu fazu, gde samo pišem i u svom istraživačkom sam modu.
And so here's what I found. What they had in common was a sense of courage. And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute. Courage, the original definition of courage, when it first came into the English language -- it's from the Latin word "cor," meaning "heart" -- and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection.
I evo šta sam otkrila. Ono što je zajedničko jeste osećaj hrabrosti. I želim da vam razdvojim hrabrost i smelost na trenutak. Hrabrost, izvorna definicija hrabrosti kada je prvi put upotrebljena u engleskom jeziku - dolazi iz latinske reči cor, što znači srce - a izvorna definicija bila je ispričati priču o tome ko ste vi u srcu. Tako da su ovi ljudi imali, vrlo jednostavno, hrabrosti da ne budu savršeni. Imali su dovoljno saosećanja da prvo budu dobri prema sebi, a onda i prema drugima, jer, kako se ispostavilo, ne možemo biti saosećajni prema drugima ako nismo ljubazni prema sebi. I na kraju, imalu su vezu, i - ovo je bio težak deo - kao rezultat autentičnosti, bili su voljni da puste ono što su mislili da treba da budu, da bi bili ono što jesu, što je apsolutno neophodno za povezanost.
The other thing that they had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first ... the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees ... the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental.
Još jedna zajednička stvar je sledeće. U potpunosti su prihvatili ranjivost. Verovali su da ih je lepim učinilo ono što ih je učinilo ranjivim. Nisu govorili o ranjivosti kao o nečem prijatnom, ili kao nečem vrlo bolnom - što se moglo čuti u intervjuima o sramoti. Spominjali su to kao nešto što je neophodno. Govorili su o spremnosti da prvi kažu "volim te", spremnosti da urade nešto gde nema garancija, spremnosti da dišu dok čekaju rezultate mamografije. Spremni su da ulože u odnos koji će možda opstati, a možda neće. Mislili su da je to ključno.
I personally thought it was betrayal. I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job -- you know, the definition of research is to control and predict, to study phenomena for the explicit reason to control and predict. And now my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability and to stop controlling and predicting. This led to a little breakdown --
Ja sam lično mislila da je to izdaja. Nisam verovala da sam se zaklela istraživanju - definicija istraživanja jete kontrola i predviđanje, izučavanje fenomena, iz jasnog razloga da se kontroliše i predvidi. I sada se moja misija da kontrolišem i predvidim okrenula ka odgovoru da treba živeti sa ranjivošću i prestati kontrolisati i predviđati. Ovo je vodilo ka malom slomu -
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
-- which actually looked more like this.
koji je izgledao više ovako.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And it did.
I jeste.
I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening.
Nazvala sam to slomom, moj terapeut to zove duhovnim buđenjem.
(Laughter)
A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown, but I assure you, it was a breakdown. And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist. Let me tell you something: you know who you are when you call your friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody. Do you have any recommendations?" Because about five of my friends were like, "Wooo, I wouldn't want to be your therapist."
Duhovno buđenje zvuči bolje od nervnog sloma, ali uveravam vas da je bio upravo to. I morala sam da sklonim svoje istraživanje i nađem terapeuta. Da vam kažem nešto: znate ko ste kada nazovete svoje prijatelje i kažete: "Mislim da treba da vidim nekoga. Imaš li neku preporuku?'" Jer je pet mojih prijatelja reklo: "Uuh. Ne bih voleo da budem tvoj terapeut."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I was like, "What does that mean?" And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know. Don't bring your measuring stick."
Pitala sam ih šta to znači. A oni su rekli: "Samo kažem, znaš. Nemoj poneti svoj merni instrument."
(Laughter)
Rekla sam: "Okej."
I was like, "Okay." So I found a therapist. My first meeting with her, Diana -- I brought in my list of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down. And she said, "How are you?" And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay." She said, "What's going on?" And this is a therapist who sees therapists, because we have to go to those, because their B.S. meters are good.
I našla sam terapeuta. Moj prvi susret sa njom, Dijanom - ponela sam listu načina svesrdnog življenja i sela. Pitala me kako sam. Rekla sam: "Odlično. Ja sam okej." Pitala me: "Šta se događa?" Ja sam terapeut koji je došao kod terapeuta, jer moramo da idemo kod njih, njihovi merači gluposti su dobri.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And so I said, "Here's the thing, I'm struggling." And she said, "What's the struggle?" And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue. And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. And I think I have a problem, and I need some help." And I said, "But here's the thing: no family stuff, no childhood shit."
I rekla sam: "Evo o čemu se radi, borim se." Pitala me: "Sa čim?" Rekla sam: "Pa, imam problem sa ranjivošću. I znam da je ranjivost suština srama i straha i naše borbe za vrednost, ali čini mi se da je takođe mesto rođenja radosti, kreativnosti, pripadnosti, ljubavi. I mislim da imam problem, i potrebna mi je pomoć." Dodala sam: "Ali hajde da ne pričamo o porodičnim problemima, ili sranjima iz detinjstva."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
"I just need some strategies."
"Samo su mi potrebne strategije."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
Thank you. So she goes like this.
Hvala vam. Uradila je ovo.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And then I said, "It's bad, right?" And she said, "It's neither good nor bad."
I onda sam rekla: "Loše je, zar ne?" Rekla je: "Nije ni dobro ni loše."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
"It just is what it is." And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck."
"Takvo je kakvo je." Rekla sam: "O moj bože, ovo je propast."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And it did, and it didn't. And it took about a year. And you know how there are people that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important, that they surrender and walk into it. A: that's not me, and B: I don't even hang out with people like that.
I jeste bila i nije. I trajalo je to godinu dana. I znate kako postoje ljudi koji se, kada shvate da su ranjivost i brižnost važni, tome predaju i prepuste. A: to nisam ja, i B: čak se ni ne družim sa takvim ljudima.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
For me, it was a yearlong street fight. It was a slugfest. Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. I lost the fight, but probably won my life back.
Za mene je to bila jednogodišnja ulična borba. Borba golih ruku. Ranjivost je gurala, ja sam uzvraćala. Izgubila sam bitku, ali verovatno osvojila svoj život.
And so then I went back into the research and spent the next couple of years really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted, what choices they were making, and what we are doing with vulnerability. Why do we struggle with it so much? Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability? No.
I onda sam se vratila svom istraživanju i provela narednih par godina zaista se trudeći da razumem koje izbore su svesrdni ljudi pravili, a šta mi činimo sa ranjivošću. Zašto se toliko mučimo sa tim? Da li sam ja jedina koja se bori sa ranjivošću? Ne.
So this is what I learned. We numb vulnerability -- when we're waiting for the call. It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook that says, "How would you define vulnerability? What makes you feel vulnerable?" And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses. Because I wanted to know what's out there. Having to ask my husband for help because I'm sick, and we're newly married; initiating sex with my husband; initiating sex with my wife; being turned down; asking someone out; waiting for the doctor to call back; getting laid off; laying off people. This is the world we live in. We live in a vulnerable world. And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.
Naučila sam sledeće. Mi otupljujemo ranjivost - kada čekamo na poziv. Poslala sam nešto na Twitter i Facebook: "Kako biste vi definisali ranivost? Šta vas čini ranjivima?" I za sat i po, imala sam oko 150 odgovora. Htela sam da znam šta se dešava. Pitati svog muža za pomoć, jer sam bolesna, a tek smo se uzeli; iniciranje seksa sa mužem; iniciranje seksa sa ženom; odbijanje; pozivanje nekoga na sastanak; čekanje lekarovog poziva; biti otpušten; otpuštati ljude - ovo je svet u kojem živimo. Živimo u ranjivom svetu. I jedan od načina da se sa tim izborimo jeste otupljenje ranjivosti.
And I think there's evidence -- and it's not the only reason this evidence exists, but I think it's a huge cause -- We are the most in-debt ... obese ... addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. The problem is -- and I learned this from the research -- that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can't say, here's the bad stuff. Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment. I don't want to feel these. I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.
I mislim da postoji dokaz - i to nije jedini razlog da ovaj dokaz postoji, ali mislim da je ogroman - mi smo odrasla kohorta, koja je u američkoj istoriji najdeblja, najviše duguje i zavisna je od lekova. Problem je u tome - a to sam naučila u istražvanju - što ne možete selektivno da otupite emociju. Ne možete reći, ovo je loše. Ovde je ranjivost, zavist, sramota, strah, razočarenje, ne želim to da osećam. Popiću par piva i pojesti mafin sa bananom i lešnicima.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I don't want to feel these. And I know that's knowing laughter. I hack into your lives for a living. God.
Ne želim to da osećam. Znam da je to smeh prepoznavanja. Posao mi je da upadam u vaše živote, to je ono: "Haha. O, bože!"
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then, we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.
Ne možete otupeti ta strašna osećanja bez da otupite ostale afekte, emocije. Ne možete selektivno da otupite. Pa tako, kada otupimo ovo, otupimo i radost, zahvalnost, sreću. I onda smo jadni i tražimo smisao i svrhu, pa se osećamo ranjivima, pa popijemo par piva i pojedemo mafin. I to prelazi u taj opasan krug.
One of the things that I think we need to think about is why and how we numb. And it doesn't just have to be addiction. The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain certain. Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty. "I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up." That's it. Just certain. The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are. This is what politics looks like today. There's no discourse anymore. There's no conversation. There's just blame. You know how blame is described in the research? A way to discharge pain and discomfort. We perfect. If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me, but it doesn't work. Because what we do is we take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks.
Jedna od stvari o kojima treba da mislimo jeste zašto smo i kako otupeli. I ne mora biti samo zavisnost. Druga stvar koju radimo, je da sve što je nesigurno, činimo sigurnim. Religija je iz vere u sudbinu i misteriju prešla u sigurnost. Ja sam u pravu, ti nisi. Začepi. To je to. To je sigurno. Što se više bojimo, to smo ranjiviji, i sve se više bojimo. Tako izgleda današnja politika. Nema više rasprave. Nema razgovora. Samo krivica. Znate kako se krivica opisuje u istraživanjima? Način da se isprazne bol i neprijatnost. Mi usavršavamo. Ako neko želi da njegov život izgleda ovako, to sam ja, ali ne vredi. Zato što mi uzimamo salo sa naših guza
(Laughter)
i stavljamo ga u naše jagodice. (Smeh)
Which just, I hope in 100 years, people will look back and go, "Wow."
Za šta se nadam da će ljudi
(Laughter)
za sto godina reći: "Opa."
(Smeh)
And we perfect, most dangerously, our children. Let me tell you what we think about children. They're hardwired for struggle when they get here. And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand, our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect. My job is just to keep her perfect -- make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh." That's not our job. Our job is to look and say, "You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." That's our job. Show me a generation of kids raised like that, and we'll end the problems, I think, that we see today. We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people. We do that in our personal lives. We do that corporate -- whether it's a bailout, an oil spill ... a recall. We pretend like what we're doing doesn't have a huge impact on other people. I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people. We just need you to be authentic and real and say ... "We're sorry. We'll fix it."
MI činimo našu decu savršenom, što je opasno. Da vam kažem šta mi mislimo o deci. Oni su potpuno obučeni za borbu kada stignu ovde. I kada u rukama držite te savršene male bebe, naš posao nije da kažemo: "Vidi je, savršena je. Moj posao je da to i ostane - pobrinem se da uđe u teniski tim pre petog razreda i u "Jejl" pre sedmog." To nije naš posao. Naš posao je da pogledamo i kažemo: "Znaš šta? Nisi savršena, spremna si za borbu, ali si vredna ljubavi i pripadnosti." To je naš posao. Pokažite mi generaciju dece odgajane tako, i nestaće problem koji mislim da danas viđamo. Pretvaramo se da ono što činimo nema uticaja na ljude. Radimo to u privatnim životima. Radimo to na poslu - da li je to plan spasavanja, izliv nafte, opoziv - pravimo se da ono što radimo nema velikog uticaja na druge. Rekla bih tim kompanijama da ovo nije prvi put. Treba nam da budete autentični i realni i kažete: "Žao nam je. Popravićemo."
But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this. This is what I have found: To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen ... to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ... then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.
Ali postoji i drugi način, ostaviću vas sa tim. Ovo sam otkrila: dozvoliti sebi da nas vide, našu unutrašnjost, ranjivost; da volimo celim srcem, čak i kada nema sigurnosti - a to je jako teško, i mogu vam kao roditelj reći, to je neverovatno teško - vežbati zahvalnost i radost u bolnim trenucima, kada se pitamo: "Mogu li te voleti ovoliko? Mogu li strastveno verovati u ovo? Mogu li biti ovako hrabra?" biti sposoban stati i umesto katastrofiranja budućnosti, reći: "Ja sam toliko zahvalna, jer osećati ovu ranjivost, znači da sam živa." I na kraju, a to smatram najvažnijim, je verovanje da smo dovoljni. Jer kada delamo iz pozicije u kojoj verujemo da smo dovoljni, onda prestajemo da vičemo i počinjemo da slušamo, bolji smo i nežniji prema ljudima oko nas, i bolji smo i nežniji prema nama samima.
That's all I have. Thank you.
To je sve. Hvala vam.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)