I'm going to tell you a little bit about my TEDxHouston Talk. I woke up the morning after I gave that talk with the worst vulnerability hangover of my life. And I actually didn't leave my house for about three days.
Pričaću vam malo o svom TEDx govoru iz Hjustona. Jutro posle govora, probudila sam se sa najvećim mamurlukom ranjivosti u svom životu. U stvari, nisam izlazila iz kuće neka tri dana.
The first time I left was to meet a friend for lunch. And when I walked in, she was already at the table. I sat down, and she said, "God, you look like hell." I said, "Thanks. I feel really -- I'm not functioning." And she said, "What's going on?" And I said, "I just told 500 people that I became a researcher to avoid vulnerability. And that when being vulnerable emerged from my data, as absolutely essential to whole-hearted living, I told these 500 people that I had a breakdown. I had a slide that said 'Breakdown.' At what point did I think that was a good idea?"
Prvi put sam izašla da se nađem s prijateljicom na ručku. Kad sam ušla, ona je već bila za stolom. Sela sam, a ona je rekla: "Bože, grozno izgledaš." Rekoh: "Hvala. Osećam se stvarno... ne funkcionišem." A ona će: "Šta se dešava?" Rekoh: "Upravo sam pred 500 ljudi rekla da sam postala istraživač da bih izbegla ranjivost. I kada je moje istraživanje pokazalo da je ranjivost apsolutno neophodna da bi se živelo punim plućima, rekla sam pred tih 500 ljudi, da sam doživela nervni slom. Na slajdu sam napisala "Nervni slom". Kad mi je uopšte palo na pamet da je to dobra ideja?"
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And she said, "I saw your talk live-streamed. It was not really you. It was a little different than what you usually do. But it was great." And I said, "This can't happen. YouTube, they're putting this thing on YouTube. And we're going to be talking about 600, 700 people."
A ona reče: "Gledala sam tvoj govor uživo. Stvarno nisi ličila na sebe. Pomalo se razlikovalo od onog što inače radiš, ali je bilo sjajno." Rekoh joj: "To se ne sme desiti. Jutjub, staviće to na Jutjub. I onda će biti reči o 600, 700 ljudi."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And she said, "Well, I think it's too late."
A ona reče: "Pa, mislim da je sad prekasno."
And I said, "Let me ask you something." And she said, "Yeah." I said, "Do you remember when we were in college, really wild and kind of dumb?" She said, "Yeah." I said, "Remember when we'd leave a really bad message on our ex-boyfriend's answering machine? Then we'd have to break into his dorm room and then erase the tape?"
Rekoh: "Da te pitam nešto." Ona reče: "Da." Rekoh: "Sećaš se kad smo bile na fakultetu, stvarno divlje i pomalo glupe?" Reče: "Da." Rekoh: "Sećaš li se kada bismo ostavile groznu poruku na sekretarici svog bivšeg dečka? Onda bismo morale da provalimo u njegovu sobu u domu i izbrišemo poruku?"
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And she goes, "Uh... no."
A ona će: "Ovaj... ne."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Of course, the only thing I could say at that point was, "Yeah, me neither. Yeah -- me neither."
Naravno, jedino što sam tada mogla da kažem, bilo je: "Da, ni ja. Da, ni ja."
And I'm thinking to myself, "Brené, what are you doing? Why did you bring this up? Have you lost your mind? Your sisters would be perfect for this."
I mislila sam u sebi: "Brene, šta to radiš? Zašto si to spominjala? Jesi li poludela? Tvoje sestre bi bile odlične za ovo."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
So I looked back up and she said, "Are you really going to try to break in and steal the video before they put it on YouTube?"
Ponovo sam je pogledala, a ona reče: "Zar ćeš stvarno pokušati da provališ i ukradeš video pre nego ga okače na Jutjub?"
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And I said, "I'm just thinking about it a little bit."
Rekoh: "Malkice razmišljam o tome."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
She said, "You're like the worst vulnerability role model ever."
Ona reče: "Ti si najgori uzor ranjivosti koji je ikada postojao."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Then I looked at her and I said something that at the time felt a little dramatic, but ended up being more prophetic than dramatic. "If 500 turns into 1,000 or 2,000, my life is over."
Onda sam je pogledala i rekla nešto što se tada činilo pomalo dramatičnim, ali je ispalo više proročanski, nego dramatično. "Ako 500 poraste na 1000, ili 2000, gotova sam."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I had no contingency plan for four million.
Nisam imala rezervni plan za četiri miliona.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And my life did end when that happened. And maybe the hardest part about my life ending is that I learned something hard about myself, and that was that, as much as I would be frustrated about not being able to get my work out to the world, there was a part of me that was working very hard to engineer staying small, staying right under the radar. But I want to talk about what I've learned.
I jesam bila gotova kada se to dogodilo. I možda najteži deo u vezi sa tim jeste da sam naučila nešto o sebi, a to je bilo da, ma koliko bih bila frustrirana kad nisam bila u mogućnosti da pokažem svetu svoj rad, postojao je deo mene koji je vredno radio na tome da ostanem mala, da ostanem neprimetna. Ali želim da govorim o onome što sam naučila.
There's two things that I've learned in the last year. The first is: vulnerability is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous. Let me ask you honestly -- and I'll give you this warning, I'm trained as a therapist, so I can out-wait you uncomfortably -- so if you could just raise your hand that would be awesome -- how many of you honestly, when you're thinking about doing or saying something vulnerable think, "God, vulnerability is weakness." How many of you think of vulnerability and weakness synonymously? The majority of people. Now let me ask you this question: This past week at TED, how many of you, when you saw vulnerability up here, thought it was pure courage? Vulnerability is not weakness. I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty. It fuels our daily lives. And I've come to the belief -- this is my 12th year doing this research -- that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage -- to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen, to be honest.
Dve su stvari koje sam naučila u prethodnoj godini. Prva je: ranjivost nije isto što i slabost. A taj mit je izuzetno opasan. Da vas iskreno pitam - i upozoravam vas, ja sam školovani terapeut, i mogu se vrpoljiti duže od vas, pa ako biste samo mogli da podignete ruku, to bi bilo sjajno - koliko vas iskreno, kada razmišljate o tome da uradite ili kažete nešto ranjivo pomisli: "Bože, ranjivost je slabost." Koliko vas razmišlja o ranjivosti i slabosti kao sinonimima? Većina ljudi. A da vas sad pitam ovo: Prošle nedelje u TED-u, koliko vas je, kada ste ovde gore ugledali ranjivost, mislilo da je to čista hrabrost? Ranjivost nije slabost. Ja definišem ranjivost kao emocionalni rizik, izloženost, nesigurnost. Ona pokreće naše svakodnevne živote. I došla sam do uverenja, ovo je 12. godina kako radim ovo istraživanje, da je ranjivost naša najpreciznija mera hrabrosti , biti ranjiv, dopustiti da budemo viđeni biti iskren.
One of the weird things that's happened is, after the TED explosion, I got a lot of offers to speak all over the country -- everyone from schools and parent meetings to Fortune 500 companies. And so many of the calls went like this, "Dr. Brown, we loved your TED talk. We'd like you to come in and speak. We'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention vulnerability or shame."
Jedna od čudnih stvari koje su se desile posle TED eksplozije, jeste da sam dobila mnogo ponuda da govorim širom zemlje, od škola i saveta roditelja do najuspešnijih kompanija u zemlji. I većina poziva je izgledala ovako: "Dr Braun, vaš TED govor je odličan. Voleli bismo da i kod nas držite govor. Bili bismo vam zahvalni ako ne biste pominjali ranjivost ili stid."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
What would you like for me to talk about? There's three big answers. This is mostly, to be honest with you, from the business sector: innovation, creativity and change.
O čemu biste želeli da govorim? Tri su glavna odgovora. Da budem iskrena, mahom dolaze iz poslovnog sektora: inovacija, kreativnost i promena.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
So let me go on the record and say, vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.
Dozvolite mi da zvanično saopštim da je ranjivost izvor inovacije, kreativnosti i promene.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
To create is to make something that has never existed before. There's nothing more vulnerable than that. Adaptability to change is all about vulnerability.
Kreirati znači stvoriti nešto što nikada ranije nije postojalo. Ne postoji ništa ranjivije od toga. Prilagodljivost promeni je usko povezana sa ranjivošću.
The second thing, in addition to really finally understanding the relationship between vulnerability and courage, the second thing I learned, is this: We have to talk about shame. And I'm going to be really honest with you. When I became a "vulnerability researcher" and that became the focus because of the TED talk -- and I'm not kidding.
Druga stvar, pored toga što sam konačno u potpunosti shvatila vezu između ranjivosti i hrabrosti, druga stvar koju sam naučila je ova: moramo govoriti o stidu. I biću sasvim iskrena sa vama. Kada sam postala "istraživač ranjivosti" to je dospelo u žižu javnosti zbog mog TED govora, ne šalim se.
I'll give you an example. About three months ago, I was in a sporting goods store buying goggles and shin guards and all the things that parents buy at the sporting goods store. About from a hundred feet away, this is what I hear: "Vulnerability TED! Vulnerability TED!"
Daću vam jedan primer: Pre oko tri meseca, bila sam u jednoj sportskoj radnji, kupovala naočare i štitnike, i sve ono što roditelji kupuju u sportskim radnjama. Na oko trideset metara od mene čujem ovo: "Ranjiva TED! Ranjiva TED!"
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
(Laughter ends)
(Smeh se završava)
I'm a fifth-generation Texan. Our family motto is "Lock and load." I am not a natural vulnerability researcher. So I'm like, just keep walking, she's on my six.
Ja pripadam petoj generaciji Teksašana. Moto moje porodice je: "Puške na gotovs". Istraživanje ranjivosti mi nije u prirodi. Pa sam pomislila, samo nastavi, za petama ti je.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And then I hear, "Vulnerability TED!" I turn around, I go, "Hi." She's right here and she said, "You're the shame researcher who had the breakdown."
I onda čujem: "Ranjiva TED". Okrenem se i kažem: "Zdravo". Ona stoji tačno ispred mene i kaže: "Vi ste istražiteljka stida koja je doživela nervni slom."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
At this point, parents are, like, pulling their children close.
U tom momentu, roditelji privlače svoju decu ka sebi.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
"Look away." And I'm so worn out at this point in my life, I look at her and I actually say, "It was a fricking spiritual awakening."
"Ne gledaj." U tom trenutku svog života sam toliko izmorena, pogledam je i zapravo kažem: "To je bilo prokleto duhovno buđenje."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
And she looks back and does this, "I know."
A ona me pogleda i uradi ovo: "Znam."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And she said, "We watched your TED talk in my book club. Then we read your book and we renamed ourselves 'The Breakdown Babes.'"
I reče: "Gledali smo vaš TED govor u mom čitalačkom klubu Onda smo pročitali vašu knjigu i promenile svoje ime u "Havarisani komadi".
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And she said, "Our tagline is: 'We're falling apart and it feels fantastic.'"
I reče" "Naš slogan je: "Raspadamo se, a osećaj je nestvaran."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
You can only imagine what it's like for me in a faculty meeting.
Možete samo zamisliti kako mi je na sastanku nastavničkog veća.
(Sighs)
(Uzdah)
So when I became Vulnerability TED, like an action figure -- Like Ninja Barbie, but I'm Vulnerability TED -- I thought, I'm going to leave that shame stuff behind, because I spent six years studying shame before I started writing and talking about vulnerability. And I thought, thank God, because shame is this horrible topic, no one wants to talk about it. It's the best way to shut people down on an airplane. "What do you do?" "I study shame." "Oh."
I kad sam postala Ranjiva TED, kao neka akciona figura, kao NIndža Barbika, ali ja sam Ranjiva TED, pomislih, okaniću se svega toga u vezi sa stidom, jer sam provela šest godina proučavajući stid pre nego što sam počela da pišem i govorim o ranjivosti. I pomislih, Bogu hvala, jer stid je ta grozna tema o kojoj niko ne želi da govori. To je najbolji način da ućutkate ljude u avionu. "Čime se bavite?" "Proučavam stid." "O"
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And I see you.
Da, vidim vas.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
But in surviving this last year, I was reminded of a cardinal rule -- not a research rule, but a moral imperative from my upbringing -- "you've got to dance with the one who brung ya". And I did not learn about vulnerability and courage and creativity and innovation from studying vulnerability. I learned about these things from studying shame. And so I want to walk you in to shame. Jungian analysts call shame the swampland of the soul. And we're going to walk in. And the purpose is not to walk in and construct a home and live there. It is to put on some galoshes -- and walk through and find our way around. Here's why.
Ali dok sam preživljavala ovu prethodnu godinu, podsetila sam se jednog osnovnog pravila, ne istraživačkog pravila, već moralnog imperativa iz perioda mog odrastanja: "Ako nađeš prijatelje nove, ne zaboravi stare." I nisam naučila ništa o ranjivosti i hrabrosti i kreativnosti i inovaciji dok sam proučavala ranjivost. O ovim stvarima sam učila proučavajući stid. I zato želim da vas upoznam sa stidom. Jungovski analitičari nazivaju stid močvarom duše. I ući ćemo u nju. Nije nam cilj da uđemo, sagradimo kuću i živimo tamo. Cilj nam je da navučemo kaljače, prođemo kroz nju i snađemo se. Evo zašto.
We heard the most compelling call ever to have a conversation in this country, and I think globally, around race, right? Yes? We heard that. Yes? Cannot have that conversation without shame. Because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege. And when people start talking about privilege, they get paralyzed by shame. We heard a brilliant simple solution to not killing people in surgery, which is, have a checklist. You can't fix that problem without addressing shame, because when they teach those folks how to suture, they also teach them how to stitch their self-worth to being all-powerful. And all-powerful folks don't need checklists.
Svi smo čuli snažan poziv za razgovor u ovoj zemlji, a mislim i u svetu, o pitanjima rase, zar ne? Da? Čuli smo. Da? Ne možete razgovarati o tome bez osećaja stida. Jer ne možete govoriti o rasi, a da ne govorite o privilegijama. A kad ljudi počnu da govore o privilegijama, parališe ih stid. Čuli smo za sjajno, jednostavno rešenje za smrtnost tokom operativnih zahvata, a to je, kontrolna lista. Ne možete rešiti taj problem, a da se ne dotaknete stida, jer kad uče ove ljude kako da zašiju ranu, takođe ih uče da zakrpe osećanje svoje sopstvene vrednosti osećanjem svemoći. A svemoćnim ljudima nisu potrebne kontrolne liste.
And I had to write down the name of this TED Fellow so I didn't mess it up here. Myshkin Ingawale, I hope I did right by you.
Morala sam da zapišem ime ovog TED učesnika da ne bih zabrljala ovde. Miškin Ingavali. Nadam se da sam dobro rekla.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
I saw the TED Fellows my first day here. And he got up and he explained how he was driven to create some technology to help test for anemia, because people were dying unnecessarily. And he said, "I saw this need. So you know what I did? I made it." And everybody just burst into applause, and they were like "Yes!" And he said, "And it didn't work.
Gledala sam učesnike svog prvog dana ovde On je ustao i objasnio kako je bio podstaknut da napravi neku tehnološku napravu za testiranje anemije jer su ljudi nepotrebno umirali. I reče: "Uočio sam potrebu. I šta sam uradio? Napravio sam je." I svi su počeli da tapšu i uzvikuju: "To!" A on reče: "I nije radila.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And then I made it 32 more times, and then it worked."
I onda sam je pravio još 32 puta, i tek onda je radila."
You know what the big secret about TED is? I can't wait to tell people this. I guess I'm doing it right now.
Znate li koja je velika tajna TED-a? Ne mogu da dočekam da ispričam. Valjda upravo sada to i radim.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
This is like the failure conference.
Ovo je kao rasprava o neuspehu.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
No, it is.
Ne, jeste.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
You know why this place is amazing? Because very few people here are afraid to fail. And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I've seen, has not failed. I've failed miserably, many times. I don't think the world understands that, because of shame.
Znate li zašto je ovo mesto čudesno? Zato što se ovde vrlo mali broj ljudi plaši neuspeha. Niko ko se popne na ovu binu, koliko sam do sad videla, ne doživi neuspeh. Ja sam mnogo puta pretrpela teške neuspehe. Mislim da svet to ne shvata, zbog stida.
There's a great quote that saved me this past year by Theodore Roosevelt. A lot of people refer to it as the "Man in the Arena" quote. And it goes like this: "It is not the critic who counts. It is not the man who sits and points out how the doer of deeds could have done things better and how he falls and stumbles. The credit goes to the man in the arena whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat. But when he's in the arena, at best, he wins, and at worst, he loses, but when he fails, when he loses, he does so daring greatly."
Ima jedan sjajan citat koji me je spasao prošle godine od Teodora Ruzvelta. Mnogim ljudima je poznat po nazivu "Čovek u areni". A ide ovako: "Nije važan kritičar. Ne čovek koji sedi i ukazuje na to kako je izvršilac dela mogao bolje da uradi stvari i kako je pao i spotakao se. Zaslužan je čovek u areni čije lice je umrljano prašinom i krvlju i znojem. A kad je u areni, u najboljem slučaju pobeđuje, a u najgorem gubi, ali kada padne, kada izgubi, to čini izuzetno smelo."
And that's what this conference, to me, is about. Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena. When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door, and you think, "I'm going in and I'm going to try this," shame is the gremlin who says, "Uh, uh. You're not good enough. You never finished that MBA. Your wife left you. I know your dad really wasn't in Luxembourg, he was in Sing Sing. I know those things that happened to you growing up. I know you don't think that you're pretty, smart, talented or powerful enough. I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO." Shame is that thing.
I, po meni, ova rasprava je upravo o tome. U životu je ključno usuditi se, biti u areni. Kada dođete do te arene i stavite svoju ruku na vrata, i pomislite: "Ući ću i pokušaću ovo", stid je taj gremlin koji kaže: "A-a. Nisi dovoljno dobar. Nikada nisi završio onaj master. Žena te je ostavila. Znam da ti tata nije stvarno bio u Luksemburgu, bio je u zatvoru. Znam šta vam se događalo dok ste odrastali. Znam da ne mislite da ste dovoljno lepi, pametni, talentovani ili moćni. Znam da vaš otac nije mario ni kad ste postali finansijski direktor. To je stid.
And if we can quiet it down and walk in and say, "I'm going to do this," we look up and the critic that we see pointing and laughing, 99 percent of the time is who? Us. Shame drives two big tapes -- "never good enough" -- and, if you can talk it out of that one, "who do you think you are?" The thing to understand about shame is, it's not guilt. Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is "I am bad." Guilt is "I did something bad." How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?" How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.
I ako možemo da ga ućutkamo i uđemo i kažemo: "Uradiću ovo", pogledamo u kritičara koji upire prstom i smeje se, a on je, u 99 posto slučajeva, ko? Mi sami. Stid uzrokuju dve značajne poruke: "nisi dovoljno dobar", i ako uspete ovo da savladate, "šta misliš ko si ti?" Treba shvatiti da stid nije krivica. Stid je usredsređena na ličnost, krivica na ponašanje. Stid je: "Ja sam loš." Krivica je: "Uradio sam nešto loše." Koliko vas, ako biste mi učinili nešto loše, bi bilo spremno da kaže: "Žao mi je. Pogrešio sam"? Koliko vas bi bilo spremno da to izgovori? Krivica: Žao mi je. Pogrešio sam. Stid: Žao mi je. Ja sam greška.
There's a huge difference between shame and guilt. And here's what you need to know. Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders. And here's what you even need to know more. Guilt, inversely correlated with those things. The ability to hold something we've done or failed to do up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive. It's uncomfortable, but it's adaptive.
Postoji ogromna razlika između stida i krivice. I evo šta treba da znate: stid je u veoma visokoj korelaciji sa zavisnošću, depresijom, nasiljem, agresijom, maltretiranjem, samoubistvom, poremećajima u ishrani. I evo šta treba još bolje da znate: krivica je u obrnutoj korelaciji sa tim stvarima. Sposobnost da ono što smo uradili ili nismo uspeli da uradimo, uporedimo sa onim što želimo da postanemo, je neverovatno prilagodljiva. Neprijatna, ali prilagodljiva.
The other thing you need to know about shame is it's absolutely organized by gender. If shame washes over me and washes over Chris, it's going to feel the same. Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame. We're pretty sure that the only people who don't experience shame are people who have no capacity for connection or empathy. Which means, yes, I have a little shame; no, I'm a sociopath. So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame. Shame feels the same for men and women, but it's organized by gender.
Druga stvar koju treba da znate o stidu jeste da je on u potpunosti ustrojen po polu. Ako stid oblije mene i oblije Krisa, biće to isti osećaj. Svi ovde znaju kako je kada vas oblije toplina od stida. Prilično smo sigurni da su jedini ljudi koji ne osećaju stid oni koji nemaju sposobnost povezivanja i empatije. Što znači: da, malo se stidim; ne, ja sam sociopata. Ja bih izabrala: da, pomalo se stidim. Stid je isti i kod muškaraca i kod žena, ali je ustrojen po polu.
For women, the best example I can give you is Enjoli, the commercial. "I can put the wash on the line, pack the lunches, hand out the kisses and be at work at five to nine. I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and never let you forget you're a man." For women, shame is, do it all, do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat. I don't know how much perfume that commercial sold, but I guarantee you, it moved a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.
Što se žena tiče, najbolji primer koji vam mogu dati je reklama za parfem Anžoli. "Mogu da raširim veš, spakujem ručak, podelim poljupce i budem na poslu od devet do pet. Mogu da zaradim za slaninu, ispečem je u tiganju, i ne dozvolim da zaboraviš da si muško." Za žene, stid je: uradi sve, uradi to savršeno i nikad ne dozvoli da vide da se znojiš. Ne znam koliko je parfema reklama prodala, ali vam garantujem da je podstakla potrošnju mnogih antidepresiva i lekova za smirenje.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Shame, for women, is this web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we're supposed to be. And it's a straight-jacket.
Stid je, za žene, ova mreža nedostižnih, oprečnih, suprotstavljenih očekivanja o tome ko bi trebalo da budemo. A to je ludačka košulja.
For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak. I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said, "I love what say about shame, I'm curious why you didn't mention men." And I said, "I don't study men." And he said, "That's convenient."
Za muškarce, stid ne predstavlja gomilu oprečnih, suprotstavljenih očekivanja. Stid je jedno - ne dozvoli da te dožive kao, šta? Slabog. Nisam intervjuisala muškarce tokom prve četiri godine mog istraživanja. Dok me, nakon potpisivanja knjige, jedan čovek nije pogledao i rekao: "Sviđa mi se šta kažete o stidu, zanima me zašto ne spominjete muškarce." Rekoh: "Ne proučavam muškarce." A on reče: "Baš zgodno."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And I said, "Why?" And he said, "Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?" I said, "Yeah." "They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And don't tell me it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."
Rekoh: "Zašto?" A on reče: "Zato što kažete da budemo otvoreni, da ispričamo svoju priču, da budemo ranjivi. A vidite one knjige koje ste upravo potpisali za moju ženu i tri ćerke?" Rekoh: "Da." "One bi radije da ja umrem na svom belom konju nego da me gledaju da padam. Kada se otvorimo i postanemo ranjivi, premlate nas. I nemojte mi reći da to rade samo momci i treneri i tate. Jer u mom životu žene su strožije prema meni od bilo koga drugog."
So I started interviewing men and asking questions. And what I learned is this: You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man in real vulnerability and fear, I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work. You show me a man who can sit with a woman who's just had it, she can't do it all anymore, and his first response is not, "I unloaded the dishwasher!"
I počela sam da ispitujem muškarce i postavljam pitanja. I naučila sam sledeće: Pokažite mi ženu koja može da bude sa muškarcem koji je istinski ranjiv i uplašen, i pokazaću vam ženu koja je postigla neverovatnu stvar. Ako mi pokažete muškarca koji može da bude sa ženom kojoj je dosta svega, koja ne može više, a da njegova prva reakcija nije: "ispraznio sam mašinu za pranje suđa!"
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
But he really listens -- because that's all we need -- I'll show you a guy who's done a lot of work.
već da zaista sluša, jer nam je samo to potrebno, pokazaću vam muškarca koji je mnogo postigao.
Shame is an epidemic in our culture. And to get out from underneath it -- to find our way back to each other, we have to understand how it affects us and how it affects the way we're parenting, the way we're working, the way we're looking at each other. Very quickly, some research by Mahalik at Boston College. He asked, what do women need to do to conform to female norms? The top answers in this country: nice, thin, modest and use all available resources for appearance.
Stid je epidemija u našoj kulturi. I da bismo mu izmakli, da bismo se vratili jedni drugima, moramo razumeti kako on utiče na nas, i kako utiče na naše roditeljstvo, na naš posao, na način na koji vidimo jedni druge. I brzo, jedno Mahalikovo istraživanje na Univerzitetu u Bostonu. Pitao je šta žene treba da rade da bi se povinovale ženskim normama? Najčešći odgovori u ovoj zemlji su: fine, vitke, skromne i dodajte sve moguće reči koje opisuju izgled.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
When he asked about men, what do men in this country need to do to conform with male norms, the answers were: always show emotional control, work is first, pursue status and violence.
Kada je pitao za muškarce, šta muškarci treba da rade da bi se povinovali muškim normama, odgovori su: da uvek kontrolišu osećanja, posao na prvom mestu, da izgrađuju društveni status i budu nasilni.
If we're going to find our way back to each other, we have to understand and know empathy, because empathy's the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. The two most powerful words when we're in struggle: me too.
Ako hoćemo da se vratimo jedni drugima, moramo razumeti i znati šta je empatija, jer je empatija protivotrov za stid. Ako stavite stid u petrijevu posudu, trebaju mu tri stvari za eksponencijalni rast: tajnost, tišina i osuda. Ako u posudu stavite istu količinu stida, i natopite je empatijom, ne može da preživi. Dve najmoćnije reči kada se borimo s nečim su: ja takođe.
And so I'll leave you with this thought. If we're going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path. And I know it's seductive to stand outside the arena, because I think I did it my whole life, and think to myself, I'm going to go in there and kick some ass when I'm bulletproof and when I'm perfect. And that is seductive. But the truth is, that never happens. And even if you got as perfect as you could and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster when you got in there, that's not what we want to see. We want you to go in. We want to be with you and across from you. And we just want, for ourselves and the people we care about and the people we work with, to dare greatly.
Ostaviću vas sa ovom misli. Ako hoćemo da se vratimo jedni drugima, ranjivost je put kojim treba ići. I znam da je primamljivo ostati ispred arene, mislim da sam to radila celog života, i pomisliti u sebi: "Ući ću tamo i rasturiću kada budem otporna na udarce i kad budem savršena". A to je primamljivo. Ali istina je da se to nikada ne događa I čak i kada ste najsavršeniji što možete, i najotporniji što možete, kad uđete, to nije to što želimo da vidimo. Mi želimo da uđete. Mi želimo da budemo sa vama i naspram vas. Mi samo želimo, za sebe i ljude do kojih nam je stalo, i za ljude sa kojim radimo, da imaju mnogo smelosti.
So thank you all very much. I really appreciate it.
Mnogo hvala svima. Zaista sam vam zahvalna.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)