I'm going to tell you a little bit about my TEDxHouston Talk. I woke up the morning after I gave that talk with the worst vulnerability hangover of my life. And I actually didn't leave my house for about three days.
Povedala vam bom nekaj v zvezi z nastopom na dogodku TEDxHouston. Po tistem nastopu sem zjutraj vstala z največjim "ranljivostnim mačkom" v življenju. Hiše nisem zapustila približno tri dni.
The first time I left was to meet a friend for lunch. And when I walked in, she was already at the table. I sat down, and she said, "God, you look like hell." I said, "Thanks. I feel really -- I'm not functioning." And she said, "What's going on?" And I said, "I just told 500 people that I became a researcher to avoid vulnerability. And that when being vulnerable emerged from my data, as absolutely essential to whole-hearted living, I told these 500 people that I had a breakdown. I had a slide that said 'Breakdown.' At what point did I think that was a good idea?"
Nato sem šla na kosilo s prijateljico. Ko sem vstopila, je bila že za mizo. Prisedem in reče mi: "Moj bog, izgledaš pa slabo", "Hvala," ji odgovorim. "Počutim se res -- Sploh ne funkcioniram." Vpraša me je, kaj se dogaja. "Pravkar sem povedala petsto ljudem, da sem postala raziskovalka, da bi se izognila ranljivosti. In ko so moji podatki pokazali, da je ranljivost nekaj absolutno nujnega za polno življenje, grem povedat celotni publiki, da sem doživela živčni zlom. Na diapozitivu mi je pisalo "Živčni zlom". Kako se mi je to lahko zdela dobra ideja?"
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And she said, "I saw your talk live-streamed. It was not really you. It was a little different than what you usually do. But it was great." And I said, "This can't happen. YouTube, they're putting this thing on YouTube. And we're going to be talking about 600, 700 people."
Pa reče: "Tvoj nastop sem gledala v živo. Nisi si bila prav podobna. Bil je malo drugačen od tega, kar narediš ponavadi. Ampak bilo je super." In jaz ji rečem: "To se ne sme zgoditi." "To stvar bodo naložili na YouTube." "In potem jo bo videlo 600, 700 ljudi."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And she said, "Well, I think it's too late."
In reče: "No, mislim, da je prepozno."
And I said, "Let me ask you something." And she said, "Yeah." I said, "Do you remember when we were in college, really wild and kind of dumb?" She said, "Yeah." I said, "Remember when we'd leave a really bad message on our ex-boyfriend's answering machine? Then we'd have to break into his dorm room and then erase the tape?"
In ji rečem: "Te lahko nekaj vprašam?" In ona reče: "Ja." In rečem: "Se spomniš faksa, ko sva bili čisto podivjani in malo neumni?" In odgovori: "Ja." "Veš, ko pustiš res grozno sporočilo na tajnici svojega bivšega? In potem mu moraš vdreti v sobo
(Laughter)
in zbrisati kaseto?" (Smeh)
And she goes, "Uh... no."
In ona reče: "Uh... Ne."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Of course, the only thing I could say at that point was, "Yeah, me neither. Yeah -- me neither."
Na tej točki sem seveda lahko rekla samo: "Ne, niti jaz ne. To... Res ne."
And I'm thinking to myself, "Brené, what are you doing? Why did you bring this up? Have you lost your mind? Your sisters would be perfect for this."
In sama pri sebi si mislim: "Brené, kaj delaš? Kaj delaš? Zakaj si to omenila? Se ti je zmešalo? Tvoji sestri bi bili idealni za tole."
(Laughter)
Ko spet pogledam gor, mi reče:
So I looked back up and she said, "Are you really going to try to break in and steal the video before they put it on YouTube?"
"Boš res poskušala vlomiti k njim in ukrasti video, preden ga naložijo na YouTube?"
(Laughter)
In ji rečem: "Samo malo razmišljam o tem."
And I said, "I'm just thinking about it a little bit."
(Smeh)
(Laughter)
In ona reče: "Ti si najslabša vzornica za ranljivost sploh."
She said, "You're like the worst vulnerability role model ever."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Then I looked at her and I said something that at the time felt a little dramatic, but ended up being more prophetic than dramatic. "If 500 turns into 1,000 or 2,000, my life is over."
In potem sem jo pogledala in rekla nekaj, kar se je takrat zdelo dramatično, ampak se je izkazalo za preroško. Rekla sem: "Če se 500 spremeni v 1000 ali 2000, bo mojega življenja konec."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I had no contingency plan for four million.
Nisem imela kriznega načrta za 4 milijone.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And my life did end when that happened. And maybe the hardest part about my life ending is that I learned something hard about myself, and that was that, as much as I would be frustrated about not being able to get my work out to the world, there was a part of me that was working very hard to engineer staying small, staying right under the radar. But I want to talk about what I've learned.
In mojega življenja je bilo takrat res konec. Mogoče je bilo pri tem najtežje, da sem se naučila nekaj težkega o sebi in sicer: čeprav bi me frustriralo, če svojega dela ne bi mogla predstaviti svetu, se je del mene močno trudil, da bi ostala majhna in neopažena. Rada bi vam povedala, kaj sem se naučila.
There's two things that I've learned in the last year. The first is: vulnerability is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous. Let me ask you honestly -- and I'll give you this warning, I'm trained as a therapist, so I can out-wait you uncomfortably -- so if you could just raise your hand that would be awesome -- how many of you honestly, when you're thinking about doing or saying something vulnerable think, "God, vulnerability is weakness." How many of you think of vulnerability and weakness synonymously? The majority of people. Now let me ask you this question: This past week at TED, how many of you, when you saw vulnerability up here, thought it was pure courage? Vulnerability is not weakness. I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty. It fuels our daily lives. And I've come to the belief -- this is my 12th year doing this research -- that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage -- to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen, to be honest.
V preteklem letu sem se naučila dvoje. Prvič, ranljivost ni šibkost. To prepričanje je izredno nevarno. Naj vas iskreno vprašam -- in opozarjam vas, da sem izučena terapevtka, in lahko vzdržim več neprijetnega čakanja od vas -- Super bi bilo, če bi lahko dvignili roke tisti med vami, ki ko pomislite, da bi storili nekaj ranljivega ali rekli nekaj ranljivega, pomislite: "Joj, ranljivost je šibkost." Komu se zdi, da sta ranljivost in šibkost sopomenki? Večini ljudi. Naj vas zdaj vprašam tole: Ta teden na konferenci TED, ko ste na tem odru videli ranljivost, komu od vas se je zdela kot čisti pogum? Ranljivost ni šibkost. Ranljivost definiram kot čustveno tveganje, izpostavljanje, negotovost. To je gonilo našega vsakdanjega življenja. In prišla sem do spoznanja -- to je moje dvanajsto leto s to raziskavo -- da je ranljivost naše najbolj natančno merilo poguma. Biti ranljiv, dopustiti, da nas drugi vidijo, biti iskren.
One of the weird things that's happened is, after the TED explosion, I got a lot of offers to speak all over the country -- everyone from schools and parent meetings to Fortune 500 companies. And so many of the calls went like this, "Dr. Brown, we loved your TED talk. We'd like you to come in and speak. We'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention vulnerability or shame."
Ena od nenavadnih stvari, ki so se zgodile: po TED ekploziji sem dobila ogromno ponudb za nastope po celi državi -- od šol in skupin za starše do podjetij z lestvice Fortune 500. In toliko klicev se je začelo takole: "Dr. Brown, vaš TED nastop je bil super." Radi bi, da pridete nastopit k nam. Res bi bili hvaležni, če ne bi omenili ranljivosti ali sramu."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
What would you like for me to talk about? There's three big answers. This is mostly, to be honest with you, from the business sector: innovation, creativity and change.
O čem bi radi, da govorim? Obstajajo trije glavni odgovori po pravici povedano predvsem iz poslovnega sektorja: inovacija, kreativnost
(Laughter)
in spremembe.
So let me go on the record and say, vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.
Naj tukaj javno povem tole: ranljivost je zibelka inovacij, kreativnosti in sprememb.
(Applause)
(Aplavz)
To create is to make something that has never existed before. There's nothing more vulnerable than that. Adaptability to change is all about vulnerability.
Ustvarjati pomeni narediti nekaj, kar prej še ni obstajalo. Nič ni bolj ranljivega. Prilagajanje spremembam je močno povezano z ranljivostjo.
The second thing, in addition to really finally understanding the relationship between vulnerability and courage, the second thing I learned, is this: We have to talk about shame. And I'm going to be really honest with you. When I became a "vulnerability researcher" and that became the focus because of the TED talk -- and I'm not kidding.
Drugič, poleg tega, da sem končno res razumela razmerje med ranljivostjo in pogumom, sem se naučila tudi tole: moramo govoriti o sramu. In z vami bom res odkrita. Ko sem postala "raziskovalka ranljivosti" in je bilo to v središču pozornosti zaradi nastopa na TED-u, brez šale.
I'll give you an example. About three months ago, I was in a sporting goods store buying goggles and shin guards and all the things that parents buy at the sporting goods store. About from a hundred feet away, this is what I hear: "Vulnerability TED! Vulnerability TED!"
Dala vam bom primer. Pred približno tremi meseci, sem bila v športni trgovini. Kupovala sem zaščitna očala in ščitnike in vse ostalo, kar starši kupujejo v športni trgovini. Približno 30 metrov stran zaslišim: "Ranljivost TED! Ranljivost TED!"
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
(Laughter ends)
Moja družina že pet generacij živi v Teksasu.
I'm a fifth-generation Texan. Our family motto is "Lock and load." I am not a natural vulnerability researcher. So I'm like, just keep walking, she's on my six.
Naš moto je "Bodi pripravljen." Nisem rojena za raziskovalko ranljivosti. In tako rečem: "Kar hodi naprej, za mano je."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And then I hear, "Vulnerability TED!" I turn around, I go, "Hi." She's right here and she said, "You're the shame researcher who had the breakdown."
In potem zaslišim, "TED Ranljivost!" Obrnem se in rečem: "Živjo." Stala je tam in mi rekla: "Ti si raziskovalka sramu, ki je imela živčni zlom."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
At this point, parents are, like, pulling their children close.
Na tej točki so starši svoje otroke potegnili k sebi.
(Laughter)
"Stran glej."
"Look away." And I'm so worn out at this point in my life, I look at her and I actually say, "It was a fricking spiritual awakening."
In jaz sem bila že tako izmučena, da sem jo pogledala in rekla: "Bilo je presneto duhovno prebujenje."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
(Applause)
(Aplavz)
And she looks back and does this, "I know."
In ona me pogleda nazaj in reče: "Vem."
(Laughter)
In rekla mi je:
And she said, "We watched your TED talk in my book club. Then we read your book and we renamed ourselves 'The Breakdown Babes.'"
"Z bralnim klubom smo gledali tvoj TED nastop. Potem smo prebrali tvojo knjigo in se preimenovali v 'Ženske sredi živčnega zloma'.
(Laughter)
Naš slogan je:
And she said, "Our tagline is: 'We're falling apart and it feels fantastic.'"
'Sesuvamo se in občutek je fantastičen.'"
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
You can only imagine what it's like for me in a faculty meeting.
Lahko si samo predstavljate,
(Sighs)
kako se počutim med sestanki na fakulteti.
So when I became Vulnerability TED, like an action figure -- Like Ninja Barbie, but I'm Vulnerability TED -- I thought, I'm going to leave that shame stuff behind, because I spent six years studying shame before I started writing and talking about vulnerability. And I thought, thank God, because shame is this horrible topic, no one wants to talk about it. It's the best way to shut people down on an airplane. "What do you do?" "I study shame." "Oh."
Tako sem postala TED Ranljivost, kot igrača, akcijska figura -- kot nindža Barbie, samo da sem jaz TED Ranljivost. Mislila sem si, da bom vse tisto o sramu pustila za sabo, ker sem šest let proučevala sram preden sem zares začela pisati in govoriti o ranljivosti. In mislila sem si, hvala Bogu, ker je sram taka grozna tema. Nihče noče govoriti o sramu. To je najboljši način, da utišate soseda na letu. "S čim se ukvarjate?" "Raziskujem sram." -"Oh."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And I see you.
In vidim vas.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
But in surviving this last year, I was reminded of a cardinal rule -- not a research rule, but a moral imperative from my upbringing -- "you've got to dance with the one who brung ya". And I did not learn about vulnerability and courage and creativity and innovation from studying vulnerability. I learned about these things from studying shame. And so I want to walk you in to shame. Jungian analysts call shame the swampland of the soul. And we're going to walk in. And the purpose is not to walk in and construct a home and live there. It is to put on some galoshes -- and walk through and find our way around. Here's why.
Ampak, ko sem preživela preteklo leto, sem se spomnila glavnega pravila -- ne pravila za raziskovanje, ampak moralne obveze iz svoje vzgoje -- Plesati moraš s tistim, ki te je pripeljal. Nisem se naučila o ranljivosti in pogumu in ustvarjalnosti in inovaciji s proučevanjem ranljivosti. O teh stvareh sem se naučila s proučevanjem sramu. In tako vam hočem predstaviti sram. Jungovski analitiki sram imenujejo močvirje duše. In mi bomo zabredli v močvirje. Namen tega ni, da zabredemo v močvirje in si tam zgradimo hišo in tam živimo. Namen je, da si nataknemo galoše in prečkamo močvirje in najdemo svojo pot. In sicer zato.
We heard the most compelling call ever to have a conversation in this country, and I think globally, around race, right? Yes? We heard that. Yes? Cannot have that conversation without shame. Because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege. And when people start talking about privilege, they get paralyzed by shame. We heard a brilliant simple solution to not killing people in surgery, which is, have a checklist. You can't fix that problem without addressing shame, because when they teach those folks how to suture, they also teach them how to stitch their self-worth to being all-powerful. And all-powerful folks don't need checklists.
Slišali smo najbolj prepričljiv poziv, da se v tej državi in tudi globalno pogovorimo o rasi, kajne? Kajne? To smo slišali. Kajne? Tega pogovora ne moremo imeti brez sramu, ker ne moreš govoriti o rasi, ne da bi govoril o privilegiranosti. In ko ljudje začnejo govoriti o privilegiranosti, jih paralizira sram. Slišali smo briljantno preprosto rešitev, kako ne ubiti človeka med operacijo. Imeti je treba seznam. Tega problema ne moreš rešiti, ne da bi se lotil sramu. Ko te kirurge učijo, kako narediti šive, jih naučijo tudi, kako svoje samospoštovanje prišiti na to, da so vsemogočni. In vsemogočni ljudje ne potrebujejo nobenih seznamov.
And I had to write down the name of this TED Fellow so I didn't mess it up here. Myshkin Ingawale, I hope I did right by you.
Morala sem si zapisati ime tega TED člana, da se ne bi zmotila na odru. Myshkin Ingawale. Upam, da sem to prav rekla.
(Applause)
(Aplavz)
I saw the TED Fellows my first day here. And he got up and he explained how he was driven to create some technology to help test for anemia, because people were dying unnecessarily. And he said, "I saw this need. So you know what I did? I made it." And everybody just burst into applause, and they were like "Yes!" And he said, "And it didn't work.
TED člane sem videla prvi dan konference. Vstal je in pojasnil, kako se je odločil ustvariti tehnologijo za testiranje slabokrvnosti, ker so ljudje umirali po nepotrebnem Rekel je, "Videl sem, da obstaja potreba. In veste, kaj sem naredil? Ustvaril sem to." In vsi so mu začeli ploskati. In potem je rekel: "Ampak ni delovala.
(Laughter)
Potem sem jo naredil še dvaintridesetkrat.
And then I made it 32 more times, and then it worked."
In potem je delovala."
You know what the big secret about TED is? I can't wait to tell people this. I guess I'm doing it right now.
Veste kaj je velika skrivnost TED-a? Komaj čakam, da ljudem tole povem. No, to pravkar počnem.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
This is like the failure conference.
To je konferenca o neuspehu.
(Laughter)
Ne, res je.
No, it is.
(Aplavz)
(Applause)
Veste, zakaj je ta kraj tako čudovit?
You know why this place is amazing? Because very few people here are afraid to fail. And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I've seen, has not failed. I've failed miserably, many times. I don't think the world understands that, because of shame.
Ker je tu zelo malo ljudi, ki se bojijo neuspeha. Nihče, ki sem ga do zdaj videla na odru, ni brez neuspehov. Meni je velikokrat prav bedno spodletelo. Mislim, da svet tega ne razume zaradi sramu.
There's a great quote that saved me this past year by Theodore Roosevelt. A lot of people refer to it as the "Man in the Arena" quote. And it goes like this: "It is not the critic who counts. It is not the man who sits and points out how the doer of deeds could have done things better and how he falls and stumbles. The credit goes to the man in the arena whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat. But when he's in the arena, at best, he wins, and at worst, he loses, but when he fails, when he loses, he does so daring greatly."
V tem letu me je rešila sijajna misel, ki jo je izrekel Theodore Roosevelt. Mnogi ta citat imenujejo "Mož v areni". In glasi se takole: "Ni kritik tisti, ki šteje; ne mož, ki s prstom kaže na močnejšega, kako pade, ali kako bi lahko nekdo opravil bolje. Zasluge pripadajo tistemu, ki je dejansko v areni, čigar obraz je zamazan s prahom in s potom in krvjo. Ampak, ko je v areni, v najboljšem primeru nazadnje okusi zmagoslavje velikega uspeha in v najslabšem primeru, v primeru, da mu ne uspe, vsaj ve, da si je veliko upal."
And that's what this conference, to me, is about. Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena. When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door, and you think, "I'm going in and I'm going to try this," shame is the gremlin who says, "Uh, uh. You're not good enough. You never finished that MBA. Your wife left you. I know your dad really wasn't in Luxembourg, he was in Sing Sing. I know those things that happened to you growing up. I know you don't think that you're pretty, smart, talented or powerful enough. I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO." Shame is that thing.
In zame je ta konferenca o tem. V življenju se gre za to, da si upamo več, da stopimo v areno. Ko prideš do te arene in položiš roko na vrata in si misliš, "Stopil bom noter in poskusil tole," je sram tisto bitje v tvoji glavi, ki reče, "Ne pa ne. Nisi dovolj dober. Nikoli nisi končal študija MBA. Žena te je zapustila. Vem, da tvoj oče v resnici ni bil v Luksemburgu. Bil je v zaporu Sing Sing. Vem za vse tiste stvari, ki so se zgodile, ko si odraščal. Vem, da ne misliš, da si dovolj lepa ali dovolj pametna ali dovolj nadarjena ali dovolj močna. Vem, da se tvoj oče nikoli ni zmenil zate, niti ko si postal šef finančne službe. Sram je tisti.
And if we can quiet it down and walk in and say, "I'm going to do this," we look up and the critic that we see pointing and laughing, 99 percent of the time is who? Us. Shame drives two big tapes -- "never good enough" -- and, if you can talk it out of that one, "who do you think you are?" The thing to understand about shame is, it's not guilt. Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is "I am bad." Guilt is "I did something bad." How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?" How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.
In če ga lahko utišamo in vstopimo v areno in rečemo, "To bom storil." pogledamo gor in ta kritik, ki ga vidimo, kako kaže s prstom in se posmehuje, smo 99 odstotkov časa mi sami. Sram nam predvaja dve glavni kaseti -- "nikoli dovolj dober" in, če ga lahko pregovoriš, da to ni res, "kdo pa misliš, da si?" O sramu je treba razumeti, da to ni krivda. Sram pomeni osredotočanje nase, krivda se osredotoča na vedenje. Sram pravi:"Slab sem." Krivda pravi: "Naredil sem nekaj slabega." Koliko med vami, če bi naredili nekaj, kar bi me prizadelo, mi bi reklo: "Oprosti. Zmotil sem se." Koliko bi vas bilo pripravljenih to reči? Krivda: "Oprosti. Naredil sem napako." Sram: "Oprosti. Jaz sem napaka."
There's a huge difference between shame and guilt. And here's what you need to know. Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders. And here's what you even need to know more. Guilt, inversely correlated with those things. The ability to hold something we've done or failed to do up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive. It's uncomfortable, but it's adaptive.
Med sramom in krivdo je ogromna razlika. In tole morate vedeti. Sram je močno, močno povezan z zasvojenostjo, depresijo, nasiljem, agresivnostjo, ustrahovanjem, samomorom, motnjami hranjenja. Tole morate še bolj nujno vedeti. Med temi rečmi in krivdo obstaja obratna korelacija. Sposobnost, da nekaj kar smo storili ali nam je spodletelo primerjamo s tem, kakšni bi radi bili je neverjetno prilagojeno vedenje. Ni prijetno, je pa prilagojeno.
The other thing you need to know about shame is it's absolutely organized by gender. If shame washes over me and washes over Chris, it's going to feel the same. Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame. We're pretty sure that the only people who don't experience shame are people who have no capacity for connection or empathy. Which means, yes, I have a little shame; no, I'm a sociopath. So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame. Shame feels the same for men and women, but it's organized by gender.
Druga stvar, ki jo morate vedeti o sramu, je, da je absolutno organiziran glede na spol. Če mene ali Chrisa oblije sram, bo občutek isti. Vsi, ki sedimo tu, poznamo vroč občutek sramu. Edini ljudje, ki ne občutijo sramu so ljudje, ki nimajo zmožnosti za povezanost in empatijo. Kar pomeni: da, občutim nekaj sramu, ne, sociopat sem. Med tem dvojim bi izbrala malo sramu. Občutek sramu je isti za moške in ženske, vendar je sram organiziran glede na spol.
For women, the best example I can give you is Enjoli, the commercial. "I can put the wash on the line, pack the lunches, hand out the kisses and be at work at five to nine. I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and never let you forget you're a man." For women, shame is, do it all, do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat. I don't know how much perfume that commercial sold, but I guarantee you, it moved a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.
Za ženske je najboljši primer, ki vam ga lahko dam, reklama za parfum Enjoli: Lahko obesim perilo, pripravim malice, razdelim poljubčke. in pridem v službo pet minut do devetih. Domov prinesem plačo, skuham večerjo in ti še vedno pustim biti moški. Ženskam sram pravi: "Vse naredi, naredi brezhibno, in ne dovoli, da bi videli tvoj napor." Ne vem, koliko parfuma so prodali s to reklamo, vendar vam zagotavjam, da so prodali veliko antidepresivov in zdravil za anksioznost.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Shame, for women, is this web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we're supposed to be. And it's a straight-jacket.
Sram je za ženske nekakšna mreža nedosegljivih, nasprotujočih si pričakovanj, kakšne bi morale biti. In to je prisilni jopič.
For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak. I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said, "I love what say about shame, I'm curious why you didn't mention men." And I said, "I don't study men." And he said, "That's convenient."
Za moške sram ni skupek nedosegljivih, nasprotujočih si pričakovanj. Sram je samo ena stvar. Ne smejo te imeti za kakšnega? Šibkega. Prva štiri leta moje raziskave nisem intervjuvala moških. Nato mi je nek moški, ko sem podpisovala knjige, rekel: "Navdušen sem nad vašimi opažanji o sramu, vendar me zanima, zakaj niste omenili moških. In odvrnila sem: "Ne proučujem moških." In on je rekel: "To je priročno."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And I said, "Why?" And he said, "Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?" I said, "Yeah." "They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And don't tell me it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."
Vprašala sem ga, zakaj, in odgovoril je:"Ker pravite, naj se obrnemo na druge, povemo svojo zgodbo, smo ranljivi. Vidite, te knjige, ki ste jih pravkar podpisali za mojo ženo in tri hčere?" Rekla sem: "Ja." "Raje bi videle, da umrem, ko sem na konju, kot da bi me videle pasti z njega. Ko se obrnemo na druge in smo ranljivi, nas pretepejo. In ne govorite mi, da to prihaja od moških in trenerjev in očetov, ker so ženske v mojem življenju bolj stroge do mene kot kdorkoli drug."
So I started interviewing men and asking questions. And what I learned is this: You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man in real vulnerability and fear, I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work. You show me a man who can sit with a woman who's just had it, she can't do it all anymore, and his first response is not, "I unloaded the dishwasher!"
In tako sem začela intervjuvati moške in jim zastavljati vprašanja. Izvedela sem tole: Če mi pokažete žensko, ki lahko sedi z moškim, ki ji zares pokaže svoj strah in ranljivost, vam bom pokazala žensko, ki je opravila neverjetno delo. Če mi pokažete moškega, ki lahko sedi z žensko, ki ima zadosti, ki ne more več sama postoriti vsega, in njegov prvi odgovor ni: "Jaz sem izpraznil pomivalni stroj."
(Laughter)
Ampak jo res posluša --
But he really listens -- because that's all we need -- I'll show you a guy who's done a lot of work.
to je namreč vse kar potrebujemo -- vam bom pokazala moškega, ki je naredil veliko.
Shame is an epidemic in our culture. And to get out from underneath it -- to find our way back to each other, we have to understand how it affects us and how it affects the way we're parenting, the way we're working, the way we're looking at each other. Very quickly, some research by Mahalik at Boston College. He asked, what do women need to do to conform to female norms? The top answers in this country: nice, thin, modest and use all available resources for appearance.
Sram je epidemija v naši kulturi in če se ga želimo osvoboditi in najti pot nazaj drug k drugemu, moramo razumeti, kako vpliva na nas in kako vpliva na to, kako vzgajamo svoje otroke, kako delamo, kako gledamo drug na drugega. Čisto na hitro o raziskavi, ki jo je na Bostonskem kolidžu izvedel Mahalik. Vprašal je, kaj morajo ženske storiti, da dosežejo ženstvene standarde. Najpogostejši odgovori v tej državi: prijazna, vitka, skromna in uporabi vsa možna sredstva, da bi polepšala svoj videz.
(Laughter)
Ko je isto vprašal za moške,
When he asked about men, what do men in this country need to do to conform with male norms, the answers were: always show emotional control, work is first, pursue status and violence.
kaj morajo storiti moški v tej državi, da dosežejo moški standard, so bili odgovori: vedno obvladaj svoja čustva, postavi delo na prvo mesto, išči družbeni status in nasilje. Če se želimo vrniti drug k drugemu,
If we're going to find our way back to each other, we have to understand and know empathy, because empathy's the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. The two most powerful words when we're in struggle: me too.
moramo razumeti in poznati sočutje, ker je sočutje zdravilo za sram. Če bi sram dali v petrijevko, bi potreboval tri stvari za eksponentno rast: skrivanje, tišino in obsojanje. Če bi sram prelili s sočutjem, ne bi mogel preživeti. Najmočnejši besedi, ko se z nečim spopadamo: "Jaz tudi."
And so I'll leave you with this thought. If we're going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path. And I know it's seductive to stand outside the arena, because I think I did it my whole life, and think to myself, I'm going to go in there and kick some ass when I'm bulletproof and when I'm perfect. And that is seductive. But the truth is, that never happens. And even if you got as perfect as you could and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster when you got in there, that's not what we want to see. We want you to go in. We want to be with you and across from you. And we just want, for ourselves and the people we care about and the people we work with, to dare greatly.
Za konec bi rada delila tole misel. Če si želimo najti pot nazaj drug k drugemu, bo ta pot ranljivost. Vem, da nas mika stati zunaj arene, ker mislim, da sem to počela celo življenje, in si pri tem mislila, "Šla bom tja noter in jim pokazala, kako to gre, takoj ko postanem neprebojna in popolna." In ta ideja je privlačna, ampak v resnici se to nikoli ne zgodi. Tudi če bi prišel kar se da blizu popolnosti in kar se da blizu neprebojnosti, ko bi vstopil v areno, to ne bi bilo tisto, kar si želimo videti. Želimo, da stopiš noter. Želimo biti s teboj in vse kar si želimo, zase in za ljudi, za katere nam je mar, in za ljudi, s katerimi delamo, je da si upajo več.
So thank you all very much. I really appreciate it.
Najlepša hvala vsem. Res sem vam hvaležna.
(Applause)
(Aplavz)