I'm going to tell you a little bit about my TEDxHouston Talk. I woke up the morning after I gave that talk with the worst vulnerability hangover of my life. And I actually didn't leave my house for about three days.
Reći ću vam nešto o svom govoru na TEDxHoustonu. Probudila sam se jutro nakon tog govora s najgorim mamurlukom ranjivosti u životu. I doslovno nisam izišla iz kuće tri dana.
The first time I left was to meet a friend for lunch. And when I walked in, she was already at the table. I sat down, and she said, "God, you look like hell." I said, "Thanks. I feel really -- I'm not functioning." And she said, "What's going on?" And I said, "I just told 500 people that I became a researcher to avoid vulnerability. And that when being vulnerable emerged from my data, as absolutely essential to whole-hearted living, I told these 500 people that I had a breakdown. I had a slide that said 'Breakdown.' At what point did I think that was a good idea?"
Prvi put kad sam izišla, bilo je to kako bih se našla s prijateljicom na ručku. Kad sam ušla, već je bila za stolom. Sjela sam, a ona je rekla: „Bože, grozno izgledaš.“ Rekla sam: „Hvala. Osjećam se zaista – Ne funkcioniram.“ A ona je rekla: „Što se događa?“ Odgovorila sam: „Upravo sam pred 500 ljudi rekla da sam postala istraživač kako bih izbjegla ranjivost. A onda, kad su istraživanja pokazala da je ranjivost neophodna da bi se živjelo punim plućima, rekla sam pred tih 500 ljudi da sam doživjela slom. Imala sam slajd na kojem je pisalo Slom. Kako sam uopće pomislila da je to dobra ideja?“
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
And she said, "I saw your talk live-streamed. It was not really you. It was a little different than what you usually do. But it was great." And I said, "This can't happen. YouTube, they're putting this thing on YouTube. And we're going to be talking about 600, 700 people."
Ona je rekla: „Vidjela sam tvoj govor uživo preko interneta. To nisi stvarno bila ti. Bilo je pomalo drugačije od onog što inače radiš. Ali bilo je odlično.“ A ja sam rekla: „To se ne može dogoditi. Oni će to staviti na YouTube i onda će to vidjeti možda 600, 700 ljudi.“
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
And she said, "Well, I think it's too late."
Rekla je: „Pa, mislim da je prekasno.“
And I said, "Let me ask you something." And she said, "Yeah." I said, "Do you remember when we were in college, really wild and kind of dumb?" She said, "Yeah." I said, "Remember when we'd leave a really bad message on our ex-boyfriend's answering machine? Then we'd have to break into his dorm room and then erase the tape?"
Ja sam rekla: „Da te pitam nešto.“ Rekla je: „Da?“ A ja sam rekla: „Sjećaš se kad smo bile na fakultetu i kad smo bile stvarno divlje i nekako glupe?“ Rekla je: „Da.“ A ja sam rekla: „Sjećaš se kako smo znale ostaviti stvarno groznu poruku na sekretarici bivšeg dečka? Onda smo morale provaliti u njegovu sobu u domu i izbrisati to sa sekretarice?“
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
And she goes, "Uh... no."
A kaže ona: „Ovaj...ne.“
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Of course, the only thing I could say at that point was, "Yeah, me neither. Yeah -- me neither."
Naravno, jedino što sam se u tom trenu sjetila reći bilo je: „Da, ni ja. Ovaj... ni ja.“
And I'm thinking to myself, "Brené, what are you doing? Why did you bring this up? Have you lost your mind? Your sisters would be perfect for this."
I mislim si u sebi, „Brene, što radiš? Što to radiš? Zašto si to spomenula? Jesi li poludjela? Tvoje bi sestre bile odlične za ovo.“
(Laughter)
Pogledala sam je, a ona je rekla:
So I looked back up and she said, "Are you really going to try to break in and steal the video before they put it on YouTube?"
„Zar ćeš zbilja pokušati provaliti i ukrasti snimku prije no što je stave na YouTube?“
(Laughter)
Rekla sam: „Samo malo razmišljam o tome.“
And I said, "I'm just thinking about it a little bit."
(Smijeh)
(Laughter)
Rekla je: „Ti si nagori uzor za ranjivost na svijetu.“
She said, "You're like the worst vulnerability role model ever."
(Smijeh)
(Laughter)
Then I looked at her and I said something that at the time felt a little dramatic, but ended up being more prophetic than dramatic. "If 500 turns into 1,000 or 2,000, my life is over."
A onda sam je pogledala i rekla nešto što je u tom trenu izgledalo pomalo dramatično, ali je na kraju bilo više proročanski nego dramatično. Rekla sam: „Ako se 500 pretvori u 1000 ili 2000, moj je život gotov.“
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
I had no contingency plan for four million.
Nisam imala plan za nepredviđenu situaciju od četiri milijuna pogleda.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
And my life did end when that happened. And maybe the hardest part about my life ending is that I learned something hard about myself, and that was that, as much as I would be frustrated about not being able to get my work out to the world, there was a part of me that was working very hard to engineer staying small, staying right under the radar. But I want to talk about what I've learned.
I moj je život zaista bio gotov kad se to dogodilo. Možda je najteži dio vezan za završetak mog života to što sam naučila nešto teško o sebi, a to je da ma koliko frustrirana bila zato što ne mogu svoj rad pokazati svijetu, postojao je dio mene koji je veoma naporno radio kako bih ostala malena, kako bih ostala ispod radara. Ali želim govoriti o tome što sam naučila.
There's two things that I've learned in the last year. The first is: vulnerability is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous. Let me ask you honestly -- and I'll give you this warning, I'm trained as a therapist, so I can out-wait you uncomfortably -- so if you could just raise your hand that would be awesome -- how many of you honestly, when you're thinking about doing or saying something vulnerable think, "God, vulnerability is weakness." How many of you think of vulnerability and weakness synonymously? The majority of people. Now let me ask you this question: This past week at TED, how many of you, when you saw vulnerability up here, thought it was pure courage? Vulnerability is not weakness. I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty. It fuels our daily lives. And I've come to the belief -- this is my 12th year doing this research -- that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage -- to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen, to be honest.
Dvije sam stvari naučila unazad godinu dana. Prva je da ranjivost nije slabost. A taj je mit veoma opasan. Da vas pitam iskreno – i dat ću vam ovo upozorenje: školovala sam se za terapeuta pa mogu neugodno čekati koliko god treba – dakle, ako biste mogli samo podići ruku, to bi bilo sjajno – koliko vas, iskreno, kad razmišljate o tome da učinite nešto ranjivo ili kažete nešto ranjivo pomisli: „Bože, ranjivost je slabost. Ovo je slabost.“ Koliko vas misli da su ranjivost i slabost ista stvar? Većina ljudi. A da vas sad pitam ovo pitanje: Proteklog tjedna na TED-u, koliko vas je, kad ste ovdje vidjeli ranjivost, pomislilo da je to čista hrabrost? Ranjivost nije slabost. Ja definiram ranjivost kao emocionalni rizik, izloženost, nesigurnost. To pokreće naš svakodnevni život. Došla sam do uvjerenja – ovo je 12. godina kako se bavim ovim istraživanjem – da je ranjivost naše najtočnije mjerilo hrabrosti – biti ranjivi, dopustiti da budemo viđeni, biti iskreni.
One of the weird things that's happened is, after the TED explosion, I got a lot of offers to speak all over the country -- everyone from schools and parent meetings to Fortune 500 companies. And so many of the calls went like this, "Dr. Brown, we loved your TED talk. We'd like you to come in and speak. We'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention vulnerability or shame."
Jedna od čudnih stvari koje su se dogodile nakon eksplozije na TED-u, jest da sam dobila mnogo ponuda da govorim širom zemlje – od škola i roditeljskih sastanaka, do najvećih američkih tvrtki. Mnogi pozivi izgledali su ovako: „Hej, dr. Brown. Svidio nam se vaš TEDTalk. Voljeli bismo da dođete i govorite. Voljeli bismo da ne spominjete ranjivost ili sram.“
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
What would you like for me to talk about? There's three big answers. This is mostly, to be honest with you, from the business sector: innovation, creativity and change.
O čemu biste vi htjeli da govorim? Postoje tri velika odgovora. Ovi su uglavnom, da vam budem iskrena, iz poslovnog sektora: inovacije, kreativnost
(Laughter)
i promjena.
So let me go on the record and say, vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.
Dopustite mi da vam službeno kažem da je ranjivost rodno mjesto inovacija, kreativnosti i promjene.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)
To create is to make something that has never existed before. There's nothing more vulnerable than that. Adaptability to change is all about vulnerability.
Stvarati znači napraviti nešto što nikada prije nije postojalo. Ne postoji ništa ranjivije od toga. Prilagodljivost promjeni vezana je uz ranjivost.
The second thing, in addition to really finally understanding the relationship between vulnerability and courage, the second thing I learned, is this: We have to talk about shame. And I'm going to be really honest with you. When I became a "vulnerability researcher" and that became the focus because of the TED talk -- and I'm not kidding.
Druga stvar, osim što napokon zaista razumijem odnos između ranjivosti i hrabrosti, druga stvar koju sam naučila jest ovo: Moramo govoriti o sramu. Bit ću vrlo iskrena s vama. Kada sam postala „istraživač ranjivosti“ i na to su se ljudi usredotočili zbog TEDTalka -- ne šalim se.
I'll give you an example. About three months ago, I was in a sporting goods store buying goggles and shin guards and all the things that parents buy at the sporting goods store. About from a hundred feet away, this is what I hear: "Vulnerability TED! Vulnerability TED!"
Dat ću vam primjer. Prije otprilike tri mjeseca, bila sam u trgovini sa sportskom opremom i kupovala zaštitne naočale i štitnike i sve ostale stvari koje roditelji kupuju u trgovini sa sportskom opremom. Na 30-ak metara od sebe, čula sam ovo: „Ranjivost s TED-a! Ranjivost s TED-a!“
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
(Laughter ends)
I'm a fifth-generation Texan. Our family motto is "Lock and load." I am not a natural vulnerability researcher. So I'm like, just keep walking, she's on my six.
Ja sam peta generacija Teksašana. Naš je obiteljski moto „Napuni i napni pušku.“ Istraživanje ranjivosti nije mi došlo prirodno. Odlučila sam samo hodati dalje, a ona je bila negdje iza mene.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
And then I hear, "Vulnerability TED!" I turn around, I go, "Hi." She's right here and she said, "You're the shame researcher who had the breakdown."
I onda čujem: „Ranjivost s TED-a!“ Okrenem se i kažem: „Bok.“ Ona stoji točno ispred mene i kaže: „Ti si istraživačica srama koja je imala slom.“
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
At this point, parents are, like, pulling their children close.
U tom trenutku roditelji privlače svoju djecu k sebi.
(Laughter)
„Ne gledaj.“
"Look away." And I'm so worn out at this point in my life, I look at her and I actually say, "It was a fricking spiritual awakening."
U tome sam trenutku svog života bila toliko iscrpljena da sam je pogledala i rekla: „Bilo je to prokleto duhovno buđenje!“
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
(Applause)
(Pljesak)
And she looks back and does this, "I know."
A ona me pogleda i napravi ovo: „Znam“.
(Laughter)
I kaže:
And she said, "We watched your TED talk in my book club. Then we read your book and we renamed ourselves 'The Breakdown Babes.'"
„Gledali smo tvoj TEDTalk u književnom klubu. Nakon toga smo pročitali tvoju knjigu i promijenili ime u 'Slomljeni komadi'.“
(Laughter)
I rekla je: „Naš moto je:
And she said, "Our tagline is: 'We're falling apart and it feels fantastic.'"
'Raspadamo se, ali osjećaj je fantastičan.'“
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
You can only imagine what it's like for me in a faculty meeting.
Možete samo zamisliti
(Sighs)
kako mi je na sastancima nastavničkog osoblja.
So when I became Vulnerability TED, like an action figure -- Like Ninja Barbie, but I'm Vulnerability TED -- I thought, I'm going to leave that shame stuff behind, because I spent six years studying shame before I started writing and talking about vulnerability. And I thought, thank God, because shame is this horrible topic, no one wants to talk about it. It's the best way to shut people down on an airplane. "What do you do?" "I study shame." "Oh."
Kad sam postala Ranjivost s TED-a, poput figurice akcijskog junaka – poput Ninja Barbike, samo što sam ja Ranjivost s TED-a – pomislila sam, ostavit ću to sve sa sramom iza sebe jer sam provela šest godina proučavajući sram prije no što sam stvarno počela pisati i govoriti o ranjivosti. I pomislila sam, hvala Bogu, jer sram je grozna tema o kojoj nitko ne želi govoriti. Tako ćete najlakše odbiti ljude u zrakoplovu. „Čime se bavite?“ „Proučavam sram.“ „Aha.“
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
And I see you.
I vidim vas.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
But in surviving this last year, I was reminded of a cardinal rule -- not a research rule, but a moral imperative from my upbringing -- "you've got to dance with the one who brung ya". And I did not learn about vulnerability and courage and creativity and innovation from studying vulnerability. I learned about these things from studying shame. And so I want to walk you in to shame. Jungian analysts call shame the swampland of the soul. And we're going to walk in. And the purpose is not to walk in and construct a home and live there. It is to put on some galoshes -- and walk through and find our way around. Here's why.
Ali preživljavajući prošlu godinu, nešto me podsjetilo na glavno pravilo – ne istraživačko pravilo, već moralni imperativ iz mog odgoja – drž' se onoga u čemu si dobar. A ja nisam ništa naučila o ranjivosti, hrabrosti, kreativnosti i inovacijama proučavajući ranjivost. Naučila sam nešto o tim stvarima proučavajući sram. Stoga vas želim upoznati sa sramom. Jungovski analitičari zovu sram močvarom duše. A mi ćemo ušetati unutra. Svrha toga nije ušetati i ondje stvoriti dom i živjeti. Svrha je da obujemo gumene čizme, prođemo močvaru i snađemo se. Evo zašto.
We heard the most compelling call ever to have a conversation in this country, and I think globally, around race, right? Yes? We heard that. Yes? Cannot have that conversation without shame. Because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege. And when people start talking about privilege, they get paralyzed by shame. We heard a brilliant simple solution to not killing people in surgery, which is, have a checklist. You can't fix that problem without addressing shame, because when they teach those folks how to suture, they also teach them how to stitch their self-worth to being all-powerful. And all-powerful folks don't need checklists.
Čuli smo najsnažniji poziv za razgovorom u ovoj zemlji, a mislim i na cijelom svijetu, o pitanjima rase, zar ne? Da? Čuli smo to. Da? Taj razgovor ne možete imati bez srama jer ne možete govoriti o rasi, a da ne govorite o privilegijama. A kad ljudi krenu govoriti o privilegijama, paralizira ih sram. Čuli smo odlično jednostavno rješenje kako ne ubiti ljude tijekom operacija, a to je: imajte popis. Ne možete riješiti problem, a da ne spomenete sram jer kad oni te ljude uče kako šivati ranu, istovremeno ih uče i kako samopoštovanje povezati sa svemoćnošću. A svemoćni ljudi ne trebaju popise.
And I had to write down the name of this TED Fellow so I didn't mess it up here. Myshkin Ingawale, I hope I did right by you.
Morala sam zapisati ime ovog TEDFellowa kako ne bih nešto zabrljala. Myshkin Ingawale, nadam se da sam dobro izgovorila.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)
I saw the TED Fellows my first day here. And he got up and he explained how he was driven to create some technology to help test for anemia, because people were dying unnecessarily. And he said, "I saw this need. So you know what I did? I made it." And everybody just burst into applause, and they were like "Yes!" And he said, "And it didn't work.
Vidjela sam tog TEDFellowa prvog dana ovdje. Ustao je i objasnio što ga je potaknulo da stvori tehnologiju za testiranje na anemiju jer su ljudi bespotrebno umirali. I rekao je: „Vidio sam tu potrebu. I znate što sam učinio? Napravio sam to.“ Svi su počeli pljeskati i govorili su: „Da!“ A on je rekao: „I nije uspjelo.
(Laughter)
Onda sam to napravio još 32 puta
And then I made it 32 more times, and then it worked."
i onda je uspjelo.“
You know what the big secret about TED is? I can't wait to tell people this. I guess I'm doing it right now.
Znate koja je velika tajna TED-a? Jedva čekam da ovo kažem ljudima. Mislim da to upravo i činim.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
This is like the failure conference.
Ovo je konferencija o neuspjehu.
(Laughter)
Ne, stvarno jest.
No, it is.
(Pljesak)
(Applause)
Znate zašto je ovo mjesto toliko nevjerojatno?
You know why this place is amazing? Because very few people here are afraid to fail. And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I've seen, has not failed. I've failed miserably, many times. I don't think the world understands that, because of shame.
Zato što se vrlo malo ljudi boji neuspjeha. Svi koji dođu na pozornicu, koliko sam do sada vidjela, doživjeli su neuspjeh. Ja sam imala mnogo gadnih neuspjeha. Mislim da svijet to ne razumije zbog srama.
There's a great quote that saved me this past year by Theodore Roosevelt. A lot of people refer to it as the "Man in the Arena" quote. And it goes like this: "It is not the critic who counts. It is not the man who sits and points out how the doer of deeds could have done things better and how he falls and stumbles. The credit goes to the man in the arena whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat. But when he's in the arena, at best, he wins, and at worst, he loses, but when he fails, when he loses, he does so daring greatly."
Postoji odličan citat Theodorea Roosevelta koji me spasio prošle godine. Mnogo ljudi ga zna kao citat „Čovjek u borilištu“. Ide ovako: „Nije važan kritičar. Nije važan čovjek koji sjedi i ističe kako je činitelj djela mogao nešto učiniti bolje i kako pada i spotiče se. Važan je čovjek u borilištu čije je lice uprljano prašinom, krvlju i znojem. No, kad je u borilištu, u najboljem slučaju pobjeđuje, a u najgorem gubi, ali kada doživi neuspjeh, kad izgubi, on to čini s tolikom odvažnošću.“
And that's what this conference, to me, is about. Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena. When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door, and you think, "I'm going in and I'm going to try this," shame is the gremlin who says, "Uh, uh. You're not good enough. You never finished that MBA. Your wife left you. I know your dad really wasn't in Luxembourg, he was in Sing Sing. I know those things that happened to you growing up. I know you don't think that you're pretty, smart, talented or powerful enough. I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO." Shame is that thing.
Meni je u tome poanta ove konferencije. O tome se radi i u životu, o velikoj odvažnosti, o stajanju u borilištu. Kada hodate prema borilištu i stavite ruku na vrata i pomislite: „Ući ću i pokušat ću,“ sram je gremlin koji kaže: „Ne, ne. Nisi dovoljno dobar. Nisi završio magisterij. Žena te ostavila. Znam da ti tata zapravo nije bio u Luxembourgu, bio je u Sing Singu (*zatvor). Znam stvari koje su ti se dogodile dok si odrastao. Znam da ne misliš da si dovoljno lijep, dovoljno pametan, talentiran ili snažan. Znam da tata nikad nije obraćao pažnju na tebe, čak ni kad si postao financijski direktor.“ Sram je upravo to.
And if we can quiet it down and walk in and say, "I'm going to do this," we look up and the critic that we see pointing and laughing, 99 percent of the time is who? Us. Shame drives two big tapes -- "never good enough" -- and, if you can talk it out of that one, "who do you think you are?" The thing to understand about shame is, it's not guilt. Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is "I am bad." Guilt is "I did something bad." How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?" How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.
Ako ga možemo ušutkati i ušetati i reći: „Učinit ću to“, vidjet ćemo da je kritičar koji upire prstom i smije se u 99% slučajeva - tko? Mi. Sram nosi dva velika natpisa – „nikad dovoljno dobar“ i, ako ga uspijete odgovoriti od toga, „što misliš tko si ti?“ Ono što morate razumijeti u vezi srama jest to da to nije krivnja. Sram je usredotočenje na sebe, krivnja je usredotočenje na ponašanje. Sram je: „Ja sam loš.“ Krivnja je: „Učinio sam nešto loše.“ Koliko bi vas, kad biste mi nekako naškodili, bilo spremno reći: „Žao mi je. Pogriješio sam"? Koliko bi vas bilo spremno to reći? Krivnja: Žao mi je. Pogriješio sam. Sram: Žao mi je. Ja sam greška.
There's a huge difference between shame and guilt. And here's what you need to know. Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders. And here's what you even need to know more. Guilt, inversely correlated with those things. The ability to hold something we've done or failed to do up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive. It's uncomfortable, but it's adaptive.
Ogromna je razlika između srama i krivnje. I evo što morate znati. Sram je u velikoj, velikoj uzajamnoj vezi s ovisnošću, depresijom, nasiljem, agresijom, zlostavljanjem, samoubojstvom, poremećajima u prehrani. A evo što trebate znati još i više. Krivnja je obrnuto proporcionalno povezana s tim stvarima. Sposobnost da uspoređujemo nešto u čemu smo uspjeli ili u čemu nismo uspjeli s onime što želimo biti nevjerojatno je prilagodljiva. Nelagodna je, ali je prilagodljiva.
The other thing you need to know about shame is it's absolutely organized by gender. If shame washes over me and washes over Chris, it's going to feel the same. Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame. We're pretty sure that the only people who don't experience shame are people who have no capacity for connection or empathy. Which means, yes, I have a little shame; no, I'm a sociopath. So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame. Shame feels the same for men and women, but it's organized by gender.
Druga stvar koju trebate znati o sramu jest da je potpuno organiziran po spolu. Ako sram preplavi mene i preplavi Chrisa, osjećat ćemo isto. Svi koji ovdje sjede znaju kako izgleda kad vas preplavi topli val srama. Prilično smo sigurni da su jedini ljudi koji ne doživljavaju sram ljudi koji nemaju sposobnost za povezanost ili empatiju. Što znači, da, imam malo srama; ne, sociopat sam. Ja bih se odlučila za da, imate malo srama. Sram jednako osjećaju muškarci i žene, ali organiziran je po spolu.
For women, the best example I can give you is Enjoli, the commercial. "I can put the wash on the line, pack the lunches, hand out the kisses and be at work at five to nine. I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and never let you forget you're a man." For women, shame is, do it all, do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat. I don't know how much perfume that commercial sold, but I guarantee you, it moved a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.
Kod žena, najbolji primjer koji vam mogu dati jest reklama za parfem Enjoli: „Mogu staviti odjeću na sušenje, spakirati užine, podijeliti poljupce i biti na poslu od pet do devet. Mogu donositi novac u kuću i trošiti ga i ne dopustiti da zaboraviš da si muškarac.“ Za žene, sram je učiniti sve, učiniti to savršeno i ne dopustiti da ljudi vide da se znojite. Ne znam koliko je parfema ta reklama prodala, ali vam garantiram da je uklonila mnogo antidepresiva i lijekova protiv tjeskobe.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Shame, for women, is this web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we're supposed to be. And it's a straight-jacket.
Sram je, za žene, neka mreža nedohvatljivih, kontradiktornih, natjecateljskih očekivanja o tome tko bismo trebale biti. A to je djeluje poput luđačke košulje.
For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak. I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said, "I love what say about shame, I'm curious why you didn't mention men." And I said, "I don't study men." And he said, "That's convenient."
Za muškarce, sram nije hrpa natjecateljskih, kontradiktornih očekivanja. Sram je jedno: da ih se ne smatra kakvima? Slabima. Prve četiri godine svojeg istraživanja nisam intervjuirala muškarce. Tek kad me jedan muškarac pogledao jednog dana nakon potpisivanja knjige i rekao: „Sviđa mi se to što imate za reći o sramu i zanima me zašto niste spomenuli muškarce.“ A ja sam rekla: „Ne proučavam muškarce.“ A on je rekao: „To je zgodno.“
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
And I said, "Why?" And he said, "Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?" I said, "Yeah." "They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And don't tell me it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."
A ja sam rekla: „Zašto?“ Na što je on rekao: „Zato što govorite kako treba istupiti, ispričati svoju priču, biti ranjiv. Ali vidite te knjige koje ste upravo potpisali za moju ženu i tri kćeri?“ Rekla sam: „Da.“ „Radije bi vidjele da umrem na svom bijelom konju nego da me gledaju kako padam. Kad istupimo i budemo ranjivi, prebiju nas. I nemojte mi reći da je to do tipova i trenera i očeva jer žene u mom životu od mene očekuju više nego itko drugi.“
So I started interviewing men and asking questions. And what I learned is this: You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man in real vulnerability and fear, I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work. You show me a man who can sit with a woman who's just had it, she can't do it all anymore, and his first response is not, "I unloaded the dishwasher!"
Tako sam počela intervjuirati muškarce i postavljati pitanja. I naučila sam ovo: Žena koja može sjediti s muškarcem koji je zaista ranjiv i prestrašen napravila je nevjerojatan posao. Muškarac koji može sjediti sa ženom koja se upravo slomila, koja više ne može sve to izdržati, a njegov prvi odgovor nije „Ispraznio sam perilicu posuđa“,
(Laughter)
nego je stvarno sluša –
But he really listens -- because that's all we need -- I'll show you a guy who's done a lot of work.
jer to je sve što nam treba – to je muškarac koji je napravio velik posao.
Shame is an epidemic in our culture. And to get out from underneath it -- to find our way back to each other, we have to understand how it affects us and how it affects the way we're parenting, the way we're working, the way we're looking at each other. Very quickly, some research by Mahalik at Boston College. He asked, what do women need to do to conform to female norms? The top answers in this country: nice, thin, modest and use all available resources for appearance.
Sram je epidemija našeg društva. Kako bismo se izvukli iz njega, pronašli svoj put natrag jedni drugima, moramo razumijeti kako on utječe na nas i kako utječe na način na koji odgajamo djecu, način na koji radimo, način na koji gledamo jedni druge. Vrlo brzo, imamo Mahalikovo istraživanje na Sveučilištu u Bostonu. Pitao je što ženama treba da bi se prilagodile ženskim normama? Glavni odgovori u ovoj zemlji: draga, mršava, skromna i trošenje svih sredstava na izgled.
(Laughter)
Kad je pitao za muškarce,
When he asked about men, what do men in this country need to do to conform with male norms, the answers were: always show emotional control, work is first, pursue status and violence.
što muškarci u ovoj zemlji trebaju kako bi se prilagodili muškim normama, odgovori su bili: uvijek pokazati emocionalnu kontrolu, rad je na prvom mjestu, podizati status i biti nasilan. Ako želimo pronaći put jedni do drugih,
If we're going to find our way back to each other, we have to understand and know empathy, because empathy's the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. The two most powerful words when we're in struggle: me too.
moramo razumijeti i poznavati empatiju zato što je empatija protuotrov za sram. Ako stavite sram u Petrijevu zdjelicu, trebaju mu tri stvari za eksponencijalni rast: tajnost, tišina i osuđivanje. Ako istu količinu srama stavite u Petrijevu zdjelicu i uronite ga u empatiju, ne može preživjeti. Tri najmoćnije riječi kad se s nečim borimo: i ja isto.
And so I'll leave you with this thought. If we're going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path. And I know it's seductive to stand outside the arena, because I think I did it my whole life, and think to myself, I'm going to go in there and kick some ass when I'm bulletproof and when I'm perfect. And that is seductive. But the truth is, that never happens. And even if you got as perfect as you could and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster when you got in there, that's not what we want to see. We want you to go in. We want to be with you and across from you. And we just want, for ourselves and the people we care about and the people we work with, to dare greatly.
Ostavit ću vas s tom mišlju. Ako želimo pronaći put jedni do drugih, ranjivost će biti taj put. Znam da je primamljivo stajati izvan borilišta, mislim da sam to radila cijeli život i mislim si: ući ću unutra i sve ih razbiti kad budem neprobojna i savršena. A to je primamljivo. Ali to se nikad neće dogoditi. Čak i ako ste najsavršeniji što možete biti i najneprobojniji što možete biti, kad uđete unutra, to nije ono što želimo vidjeti. Želimo da uđete. Želimo biti s vama i nasuprot vas. I samo želimo, za sebe i ljude do kojih nam je stalo i ljude s kojima radimo da imaju veliku odvažnost.
So thank you all very much. I really appreciate it.
Puno vam hvala svima. Zaista to cijenim.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)