Us parlaré una mica de la meva xerrada a TEDxHouston. L’endemà d’haver-la fet em vaig llevar amb la pitjor ressaca de vulnerabilitat de la meva vida. De fet, no vaig sortir de casa en tres dies.
I'm going to tell you a little bit about my TEDxHouston Talk. I woke up the morning after I gave that talk with the worst vulnerability hangover of my life. And I actually didn't leave my house for about three days.
El primer cop que vaig sortir va ser per anar a dinar amb una amiga. Quan vaig entrar, ella ja s’havia entaulat. En veure’m, em va dir: “Caram, quina mala fila fas”. Li vaig respondre: “Gràcies, em sento molt... No em sento gens bé” Em va preguntar: “Què passa?” Li vaig dir: “Acabo d’explicar a 500 persones que em vaig fer investigadora per evitar la vulnerabilitat i que quan les dades del meu estudi van mostrar que ser vulnerable és essencial per viure amb sinceritat i entusiasme, els he dit que vaig patir una crisi nerviosa. Tenia una diapo que deia ‘Crisi’. En quin moment vaig pensar que era una bona idea?”
The first time I left was to meet a friend for lunch. And when I walked in, she was already at the table. I sat down, and she said, "God, you look like hell." I said, "Thanks. I feel really -- I'm not functioning." And she said, "What's going on?" And I said, "I just told 500 people that I became a researcher to avoid vulnerability. And that when being vulnerable emerged from my data, as absolutely essential to whole-hearted living, I told these 500 people that I had a breakdown. I had a slide that said 'Breakdown.' At what point did I think that was a good idea?"
(Riures)
(Laughter)
Em va dir: “Vaig veure la xerrada en directe. No eres tu realment. Era una mica diferent del que sols fer, però va ser genial”. I jo li vaig respondre: “Això no pot ser. Ho volen penjar a YouTube. I llavors ja seran unes 600 o 700 persones”.
And she said, "I saw your talk live-streamed. It was not really you. It was a little different than what you usually do. But it was great." And I said, "This can't happen. YouTube, they're putting this thing on YouTube. And we're going to be talking about 600, 700 people."
(Riures)
(Laughter)
I em va respondre: “Em sembla que ara ja és massa tard”.
And she said, "Well, I think it's too late."
Li vaig dir: “Deixa que et faci una pregunta”. I ella: “És clar”. I jo: “Recordes quan érem a la universitat, i érem esbojarrades i un pèl toixes?” I ella: “Sí“. I jo: “Recordes quan deixàvem un missatge terrible al contestador del nostre exnòvio i llavors ens havíem de colar a la seva habitació per esborrar-lo?”
And I said, "Let me ask you something." And she said, "Yeah." I said, "Do you remember when we were in college, really wild and kind of dumb?" She said, "Yeah." I said, "Remember when we'd leave a really bad message on our ex-boyfriend's answering machine? Then we'd have to break into his dorm room and then erase the tape?"
(Riures)
(Laughter)
I ella va respondre: “Em... no”.
And she goes, "Uh... no."
(Riures)
(Laughter)
És clar que arribat aquell punt només vaig poder dir: “Sí, jo tampoc”. “Sí, jo tampoc”.
Of course, the only thing I could say at that point was, "Yeah, me neither. Yeah -- me neither."
I jo m’anava dient: “Què fas, Brené? Per què has tret aquest tema? Que has perdut el seny? Ho havies de dir a les teves germanes”.
And I'm thinking to myself, "Brené, what are you doing? Why did you bring this up? Have you lost your mind? Your sisters would be perfect for this."
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Vaig aixecar la vista i va dir: “De veritat intentaràs colar-t’hi i robar el vídeo abans que el pengin a YouTube?”
So I looked back up and she said, "Are you really going to try to break in and steal the video before they put it on YouTube?"
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I jo: “Només ho estic rumiant”.
And I said, "I'm just thinking about it a little bit."
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Em va dir: “Ets la pitjor model de vulnerabilitat del món”.
She said, "You're like the worst vulnerability role model ever."
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Me la vaig mirar i vaig dir una cosa que llavors va semblar un pèl dramàtica però que va acabar sent més aviat profètica: “Si 500 es converteixen en 1.000 o 2.000, la meva vida se’n va en orris”.
Then I looked at her and I said something that at the time felt a little dramatic, but ended up being more prophetic than dramatic. "If 500 turns into 1,000 or 2,000, my life is over."
(Riures)
(Laughter)
No tenia pla de contingència per quatre milions.
I had no contingency plan for four million.
(Riures)
(Laughter)
Sí que se’n va anar en orris, la meva vida. Potser la part més difícil de perdre la meva vida és que vaig aprendre una cosa bastant dura sobre mi mateixa, i va ser que, per molt que em frustrés no ser capaç de fer pública la meva feina, una part de mi s’esforçava molt per planejar quedar-se petita, i passar desapercebuda. Però vull parlar del que he après.
And my life did end when that happened. And maybe the hardest part about my life ending is that I learned something hard about myself, and that was that, as much as I would be frustrated about not being able to get my work out to the world, there was a part of me that was working very hard to engineer staying small, staying right under the radar. But I want to talk about what I've learned.
Aquest últim any he après dues coses. La primera és: vulnerabilitat no és sinònim de debilitat. I aquest mite és perillós del tot. Deixeu que us faci dues preguntes, (i us aviso que tinc formació terapèutica, o sigui que em puc esperar tanta estona com faci falta) Si poguéssiu aixecar el braç seria genial. Quants de vosaltres, quan penseu a fer o dir una cosa vulnerable, penseu: “Vulnerabilitat és debilitat”? Quants considereu que vulnerabilitat i debilitat són sinònims? La majoria. Ara deixeu-me que us pregunti: Aquesta setmana de conferències, quan heu vist vulnerabilitat a l’escenari, quants heu pensat que era coratge? La vulnerabilitat no és debilitat. Jo defineixo vulnerabilitat com risc emocional, revelació, incertesa. Alimenta el nostre dia a dia. I he arribat a la creença, (i ja fa dotze anys que investigo el tema), que la vulnerabilitat és la manera més exacta de mesurar el coratge: ser vulnerables, deixar que ens vegin, ser sincers.
There's two things that I've learned in the last year. The first is: vulnerability is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous. Let me ask you honestly -- and I'll give you this warning, I'm trained as a therapist, so I can out-wait you uncomfortably -- so if you could just raise your hand that would be awesome -- how many of you honestly, when you're thinking about doing or saying something vulnerable think, "God, vulnerability is weakness." How many of you think of vulnerability and weakness synonymously? The majority of people. Now let me ask you this question: This past week at TED, how many of you, when you saw vulnerability up here, thought it was pure courage? Vulnerability is not weakness. I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty. It fuels our daily lives. And I've come to the belief -- this is my 12th year doing this research -- that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage -- to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen, to be honest.
Una cosa estranya que m’ha passat és que, després de l’èxit a TED, m’han arribat moltes ofertes per fer xerrades per tot el país, des d’escoles i reunions de famílies fins a empreses de la llista Fortune 500. A moltes de les trucades em deien: “Ens ha encantat la seva xerrada. Ens agradaria que vingués a fer-ne una. Agrairíem que no parlés ni de vulnerabilitat ni de vergonya”.
One of the weird things that's happened is, after the TED explosion, I got a lot of offers to speak all over the country -- everyone from schools and parent meetings to Fortune 500 companies. And so many of the calls went like this, "Dr. Brown, we loved your TED talk. We'd like you to come in and speak. We'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention vulnerability or shame."
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(Laughter)
Doncs, de què voldríeu que parlés? Hi ha tres grans respostes. Francament, me les donen sobretot en el sector empresarial: innovació, creativitat i canvi.
What would you like for me to talk about? There's three big answers. This is mostly, to be honest with you, from the business sector: innovation, creativity and change.
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(Laughter)
Deixeu-me afirmar que la vulnerabilitat és el bressol de la creació, la creativitat i el canvi.
So let me go on the record and say, vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.
(Aplaudiments)
(Applause)
Crear és fer una cosa que mai no ha existit. No hi ha res més vulnerable. Poder adaptar-se al canvi es basa en la vulnerabilitat.
To create is to make something that has never existed before. There's nothing more vulnerable than that. Adaptability to change is all about vulnerability.
La segona cosa, a més d’entendre d’una vegada la relació entre la vulnerabilitat i el coratge, la segona cosa que he après és: hem de parlar de la vergonya. Seré molt sincera amb vosaltres. Quan vaig esdevenir una “investigadora de la vulnerabilitat” i això va passar a primer pla per la xerrada a TED... i no ho dic en broma.
The second thing, in addition to really finally understanding the relationship between vulnerability and courage, the second thing I learned, is this: We have to talk about shame. And I'm going to be really honest with you. When I became a "vulnerability researcher" and that became the focus because of the TED talk -- and I'm not kidding.
Us posaré un exemple. Fa uns tres mesos, era en una botiga d’esports buscant ulleres i canyelleres i tot el que comprem els pares en una botiga d’esports. A uns quants metres de mi, sento que algú crida: “Vulnerabilitat TED! Vulnerabilitat TED!”
I'll give you an example. About three months ago, I was in a sporting goods store buying goggles and shin guards and all the things that parents buy at the sporting goods store. About from a hundred feet away, this is what I hear: "Vulnerability TED! Vulnerability TED!"
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(Laughter)
(Fi dels rirues)
(Laughter ends)
Soc de la cinquena generació d’una família de Texas. El nostre lema familiar és: “bloquejar i carregar”. No soc una investigadora de la vulnerabilitat de naixement. Per això em deia: “continua caminant, et ve per darrere”.
I'm a fifth-generation Texan. Our family motto is "Lock and load." I am not a natural vulnerability researcher. So I'm like, just keep walking, she's on my six.
(Riures)
(Laughter)
I llavors sento: “Vulnerabilitat TED!” Em giro i dic: “Hola”. La tinc aquí. Em diu: “És la investigadora de la vergonya que va patir una crisi”.
And then I hear, "Vulnerability TED!" I turn around, I go, "Hi." She's right here and she said, "You're the shame researcher who had the breakdown."
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(Laughter)
En aquest moment, els pares o mares agafen les criatures de la mà.
At this point, parents are, like, pulling their children close.
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“No us hi acosteu”. I n’estic tan cansada, arribat aquest punt, que me la miro i li deixo anar: “Va ser una punyetera revelació espiritual”.
"Look away." And I'm so worn out at this point in my life, I look at her and I actually say, "It was a fricking spiritual awakening."
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(Laughter)
(Aplaudiments)
(Applause)
I em mira i em respon: “Ho sé“.
And she looks back and does this, "I know."
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(Laughter)
I em diu: “Vam veure la teva xerrada al meu club de lectura. Llavors ens vam llegir el teu llibre i ens hem rebatejat amb el nom de «Les noies en crisi»“.
And she said, "We watched your TED talk in my book club. Then we read your book and we renamed ourselves 'The Breakdown Babes.'"
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Va dir: “El nostre lema és: «Ens estem ensorrant i és fantàstic»“.
And she said, "Our tagline is: 'We're falling apart and it feels fantastic.'"
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(Laughter)
Ja us podeu imaginar com em sento en una reunió de la universitat.
You can only imagine what it's like for me in a faculty meeting.
(Sospira)
(Sighs)
Quan em vaig convertir en una Vulnerabilitat TED, com si fos una nina, -igual que hi ha la Barbie Ninja, jo soc la Vulnerabilitat TED- vaig pensar: “Deixaré enrere tot això de la vergonya”, perquè vaig passar sis anys estudiant la vergonya abans d’escriure sobre la vulnerabilitat i de parlar-ne. I vaig dir-me: “Millor, perquè la vergonya és un tema horrorós, i ningú en vol parlar”. És la millor manera d’acabar ràpid una conversa. “Tu què fas?” “Estudio la vergonya”. “Ah.”
So when I became Vulnerability TED, like an action figure -- Like Ninja Barbie, but I'm Vulnerability TED -- I thought, I'm going to leave that shame stuff behind, because I spent six years studying shame before I started writing and talking about vulnerability. And I thought, thank God, because shame is this horrible topic, no one wants to talk about it. It's the best way to shut people down on an airplane. "What do you do?" "I study shame." "Oh."
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(Laughter)
“I et sé llegir”.
And I see you.
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(Laughter)
Però per sobreviure aquest any, vaig recordar una norma sagrada. No era una norma per investigar, sinó que era un imperatiu moral fruit de la meva educació: “has de ballar amb qui t’ha portat al ball”. No vaig aprendre coses sobre la vulnerabilitat i el coratge i la creativitat i la innovació estudiant la vulnerabilitat. Ho vaig fer estudiant la vergonya. Per això vull que ens endinsem en la vergonya. Els seguidors de Jung anomenen la vergonya el pantà de l’ànima. I nosaltres ens hi endinsarem. L’objectiu no és endinsar-nos-hi per fer-nos-hi una caseta i viure-hi. És calçar-nos unes botes de goma i caminar-hi i saber moure’ns-hi. Ara us diré per què.
But in surviving this last year, I was reminded of a cardinal rule -- not a research rule, but a moral imperative from my upbringing -- "you've got to dance with the one who brung ya". And I did not learn about vulnerability and courage and creativity and innovation from studying vulnerability. I learned about these things from studying shame. And so I want to walk you in to shame. Jungian analysts call shame the swampland of the soul. And we're going to walk in. And the purpose is not to walk in and construct a home and live there. It is to put on some galoshes -- and walk through and find our way around. Here's why.
Ara més que mai hem sentit la necessitat en aquest país, i crec que arreu del món, de parlar de la raça, oi? Oi? L’hem sentida. Oi? No podem tenir aquesta conversa sense la vergonya. Perquè no podem parlar de raça sense parlar de privilegis. I quan la gent parla de privilegis, la vergonya els paralitza. Hem vist una solució genial i fàcil per no matar la gent al quiròfan: les llistes de verificació. No es pot solucionar això sense parlar de la vergonya, perquè quan ensenyen a aquestes persones a suturar, també els ensenyen a suturar la seva autoestima al fet de ser totpoderoses. I les persones totpoderoses no necessiten aquestes llistes.
We heard the most compelling call ever to have a conversation in this country, and I think globally, around race, right? Yes? We heard that. Yes? Cannot have that conversation without shame. Because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege. And when people start talking about privilege, they get paralyzed by shame. We heard a brilliant simple solution to not killing people in surgery, which is, have a checklist. You can't fix that problem without addressing shame, because when they teach those folks how to suture, they also teach them how to stitch their self-worth to being all-powerful. And all-powerful folks don't need checklists.
M’he hagut d’anotar el nom d’aquest company de TED per no equivocar-me. Myshkin Ingawale, espero haver-te fet justícia.
And I had to write down the name of this TED Fellow so I didn't mess it up here. Myshkin Ingawale, I hope I did right by you.
(Aplaudiments)
(Applause)
Vaig escoltar altres companys de TED. I Ingawale va explicar què l’havia portat a crear algun invent que ajudés a detectar l’anèmia, perquè la gent en moria sense necessitat. Va dir: “Vaig veure que calia. I sabeu què vaig fer? Crear-lo”. I tothom el va començar a aplaudir i feia cara de “Sí!” I va dir: “I no va funcionar”.
I saw the TED Fellows my first day here. And he got up and he explained how he was driven to create some technology to help test for anemia, because people were dying unnecessarily. And he said, "I saw this need. So you know what I did? I made it." And everybody just burst into applause, and they were like "Yes!" And he said, "And it didn't work.
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(Laughter)
“I llavors en vaig fer 32 més fins que va funcionar”.
And then I made it 32 more times, and then it worked."
Sabeu quin és el gran secret de TED? No em puc estar d’explicar-lo. Suposo que ara ho estic fent.
You know what the big secret about TED is? I can't wait to tell people this. I guess I'm doing it right now.
(Riures)
(Laughter)
Això és la conferència del fracàs.
This is like the failure conference.
(Riures)
(Laughter)
No, de debò.
No, it is.
(Aplaudiments)
(Applause)
Sabeu per què aquest lloc és insòlit? Perquè molt poca gent té por de fracassar. No he vist cap persona aquí dalt que no hagi fracassat. Jo he fracassat estrepitosament, molts cops. No crec que la gent ho entengui, per culpa de la vergonya.
You know why this place is amazing? Because very few people here are afraid to fail. And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I've seen, has not failed. I've failed miserably, many times. I don't think the world understands that, because of shame.
Hi ha una citació genial de Theodore Roosevelt que m’ha salvat aquest any. Molta gent s’hi refereix com la citació de “L’home de l’estadi”. Diu així: “No és el crític qui importa. Ni aquell que s’asseu i indica com qui fa l’acció podria haver-ho fet millor i assenyala com fracassa i s’equivoca. El mèrit és per a l’home a l’estadi, amb el rostre brut de pols i de sang i de suor. Però quan és a l’estadi, en el millor dels casos, guanya, i en el pitjor, perd, però quan fracassa, quan perd, ho fa atrevint-se sense por”.
There's a great quote that saved me this past year by Theodore Roosevelt. A lot of people refer to it as the "Man in the Arena" quote. And it goes like this: "It is not the critic who counts. It is not the man who sits and points out how the doer of deeds could have done things better and how he falls and stumbles. The credit goes to the man in the arena whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat. But when he's in the arena, at best, he wins, and at worst, he loses, but when he fails, when he loses, he does so daring greatly."
I això és el que és, per a mi, aquesta conferència. La vida consisteix a atrevir-se molt, a entrar a l’escenari Quan t’hi acostes i poses la mà a la porta i penses: “entraré i ho intentaré”, la vergonya és el gremlin que diu: ”Ni parlar-ne, no ets prou bo. No vas acabar aquell màster. La teva dona et va deixar. Sé que el teu pare no era pas a Luxemburg, sinó a la presó. Sé tot el que has viscut al llarg de la infància. Sé que no penses que ets prou guapa, llesta, hàbil o poderosa. Sé que el teu pare no et feia cas, ni quan et van fer cap de finances”. La vergonya és això.
And that's what this conference, to me, is about. Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena. When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door, and you think, "I'm going in and I'm going to try this," shame is the gremlin who says, "Uh, uh. You're not good enough. You never finished that MBA. Your wife left you. I know your dad really wasn't in Luxembourg, he was in Sing Sing. I know those things that happened to you growing up. I know you don't think that you're pretty, smart, talented or powerful enough. I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO." Shame is that thing.
I si la podem fer callar i entrar i dir: “Ho faré“, aixequem la vista, i qui és el crític que ens assenyala i riu el 99 % de cops? Nosaltres. La vergonya fa servir dues cintes: la de “no ets prou bo” i, si l’aconsegueixes superar, la de “qui et penses que ets?“. Cal entendre que la vergonya no és culpa. La vergonya es basa en la persona; la culpa, en l’acció. La vergonya és “soc dolent”. La culpa: “he fet una cosa dolenta”. Quants de vosaltres, si féssiu una cosa que em fes mal, em diríeu: “Em sap greu. M’he equivocat”? Quants estaríeu disposats a dir això? Culpa: Perdó. He comès un error. Vergonya: Perdó. Soc un error.
And if we can quiet it down and walk in and say, "I'm going to do this," we look up and the critic that we see pointing and laughing, 99 percent of the time is who? Us. Shame drives two big tapes -- "never good enough" -- and, if you can talk it out of that one, "who do you think you are?" The thing to understand about shame is, it's not guilt. Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is "I am bad." Guilt is "I did something bad." How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?" How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.
Hi ha una gran diferència entre la vergonya i la culpa. Vet aquí el que necessiteu saber: La vergonya està estretament relacionada amb l’addicció, la depressió, la violència, l’agressivitat, l’assetjament, el suïcidi, els trastorns alimentaris. Heus aquí el que és més vital que sapigueu: La culpa està inversament relacionada amb aquestes coses. La capacitat de comparar una cosa que hem fet o deixat de fer amb la persona que volem ser és increïblement adaptativa. És incòmoda, però adaptativa.
There's a huge difference between shame and guilt. And here's what you need to know. Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders. And here's what you even need to know more. Guilt, inversely correlated with those things. The ability to hold something we've done or failed to do up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive. It's uncomfortable, but it's adaptive.
També heu de saber que la vergonya s’organitza sens dubte segons el gènere. Si la vergonya ens inunda tant a mi com al Chris, ens sentirem igual. Tot el públic coneix l’onada de la vergonya. Estem bastant segurs que les úniques persones que no la senten són les que no poden connectar o sentir empatia. Això vol dir: “sí, tinc vergonya” no: “soc un sociòpata”. Jo triaria el “sí, tinc una mica de vergonya”. Homes i dones senten la vergonya igual, però s’organitza en gèneres.
The other thing you need to know about shame is it's absolutely organized by gender. If shame washes over me and washes over Chris, it's going to feel the same. Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame. We're pretty sure that the only people who don't experience shame are people who have no capacity for connection or empathy. Which means, yes, I have a little shame; no, I'm a sociopath. So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame. Shame feels the same for men and women, but it's organized by gender.
Per a les dones, el millor exemple és l’anunci de colònia d’Enjoli. “Puc posar la roba a estendre, fer el dinar, repartir petons i ser a la feina de cinc a nou. Puc portar la pasta a casa, posar-la a bullir i no deixar que t’oblidis que ets un home”. Per a les dones, la vergonya és “fes-ho tot, fes-ho perfecte i que no et vegin suar”. No sé quant perfum va vendre aquell anunci, però us asseguro que va fer gastar molts antidepressius i ansiolítics.
For women, the best example I can give you is Enjoli, the commercial. "I can put the wash on the line, pack the lunches, hand out the kisses and be at work at five to nine. I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and never let you forget you're a man." For women, shame is, do it all, do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat. I don't know how much perfume that commercial sold, but I guarantee you, it moved a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.
(Riures)
(Laughter)
La vergonya, per a les dones, és aquesta xarxa d’expectatives inassequibles, conflictives i antagòniques de qui se suposa que hem de ser. I és com una camisa de força.
Shame, for women, is this web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we're supposed to be. And it's a straight-jacket.
Per als homes, la vergonya no és un conjunt d’expectatives contradictòries. La vergonya és una cosa: que no et vegin com? Dèbil. Durant els primers quatre anys de recerca, no vaig entrevistar homes. Fins que un home em va dir després d’una firma de llibres: “M’encanta el que diu de la vergonya, però per què no parla dels homes?” Li vaig dir: “No investigo homes”. I em va dir: “Ja va bé”.
For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak. I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said, "I love what say about shame, I'm curious why you didn't mention men." And I said, "I don't study men." And he said, "That's convenient."
(Riures)
(Laughter)
Li vaig dir: “Per què?” Em va dir: “Perquè diu que ens obrim, que expliquem la nostra història, que siguem vulnerables. Però veu els llibres que ha signat per a la meva dona i les meves filles? Vaig dir que sí. “Preferirien que morís muntant a cavall abans que veure’m caure. Quan ens obrim i som vulnerables, ens foten d’hòsties. I no em digui que són els nois i els entrenadors i els pares. Perquè no hi ha ningú més sever amb mi que les dones que conec”.
And I said, "Why?" And he said, "Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?" I said, "Yeah." "They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And don't tell me it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."
Vaig començar a entrevistar homes i a fer preguntes. I el que vaig aprendre és això: Ensenyeu-me una dona capaç d’asseure’s amb un home que senti vulnerabilitat i por, i veureu una dona que ha fet una feina increïble. Ensenyeu-me un home capaç d’asseure’s amb una dona que ja n’ha tingut prou, que ja no pot fer-ho tot, i que la seva resposta no sigui: “He desparat el rentaplats!”
So I started interviewing men and asking questions. And what I learned is this: You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man in real vulnerability and fear, I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work. You show me a man who can sit with a woman who's just had it, she can't do it all anymore, and his first response is not, "I unloaded the dishwasher!"
(Riures)
(Laughter)
Però l’home que l’escolti de veritat, perquè és tot el que ens cal, aquell home sí que ha fet molta feina.
But he really listens -- because that's all we need -- I'll show you a guy who's done a lot of work.
La vergonya és una epidèmia en la nostra cultura. I per sortir-ne, per trobar el camí per tornar a estar connectats, hem d’entendre com ens afecta i com afecta la manera d’educar els fills, la manera de treballar, de mirar-nos uns als altres. Molt ràpid: la investigació de Mahalik al Boston College. Va preguntar: les dones, què han de fer per ajustar-se a l’estàndard? Les respostes més comunes al país van ser: simpàtica, prima, discreta i fer servir tot el que pugui per cuidar el físic.
Shame is an epidemic in our culture. And to get out from underneath it -- to find our way back to each other, we have to understand how it affects us and how it affects the way we're parenting, the way we're working, the way we're looking at each other. Very quickly, some research by Mahalik at Boston College. He asked, what do women need to do to conform to female norms? The top answers in this country: nice, thin, modest and use all available resources for appearance.
(Riures)
(Laughter)
En el cas dels homes, què han de fer per ajustar-se a l’estàndard masculí, les respostes van ser: mostrar sempre control emocional, la feina és prioritària, buscar estatus i violència.
When he asked about men, what do men in this country need to do to conform with male norms, the answers were: always show emotional control, work is first, pursue status and violence.
Si estem disposats a retrobar-nos, hem d’entendre l’empatia i conèixer-la, perquè és l’antídot contra la vergonya. Si posem la vergonya en una placa de Petri, necessita tres coses per créixer exponencialment: secretisme, silenci i judicis. Si hi posem la mateixa quantitat, però l’amarem amb empatia, no pot sobreviure. Les dues paraules més poderoses per a quan passem temps difícils: jo també.
If we're going to find our way back to each other, we have to understand and know empathy, because empathy's the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. The two most powerful words when we're in struggle: me too.
I us dic adéu amb aquesta reflexió. Si volem tornar a estar connectats, la vulnerabilitat és el camí que hem de seguir. Sé que ens sedueix l’opció de no entrar a l’escenari, perquè crec que l’he triat sempre, i de pensar: “Hi entraré i demostraré el que sé fer quan sigui indestructible i perfecte”. I és temptador. Però la veritat és que no passa mai, això. I encara que fóssiu tan perfectes i tan indestructibles com us fos possible quan hi entréssiu, això no és el que volem veure. Volem que hi entreu. Volem estar amb vosaltres i davant vostre. I tan sols volem, per a nosaltres i per a la gent que ens importa, i per a la gent amb qui treballem, que s’atreveixin sense por.
And so I'll leave you with this thought. If we're going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path. And I know it's seductive to stand outside the arena, because I think I did it my whole life, and think to myself, I'm going to go in there and kick some ass when I'm bulletproof and when I'm perfect. And that is seductive. But the truth is, that never happens. And even if you got as perfect as you could and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster when you got in there, that's not what we want to see. We want you to go in. We want to be with you and across from you. And we just want, for ourselves and the people we care about and the people we work with, to dare greatly.
Moltes gràcies a tothom. Us ho agraeixo molt.
So thank you all very much. I really appreciate it.
(Aplaudiments)
(Applause)