I've been doing some thinking. I'm going to kill my dad. I called my sister.
我思考了一陣子。 我要殺了我爸爸。 我打電話給我姐姐。
"Listen, I've been doing some thinking. I'm going to kill Dad. I'm going to take him to Oregon, find some heroin, and give it to him."
「聽著, 我思考了一陣子。 我要殺了爸爸。 我要帶他去奧勒崗, 找一些海洛因, 給他用。」
My dad has frontotemporal lobe dementia, or FTD. It's a confusing disease that hits people in their 50s or 60s. It can completely change someone's personality, making them paranoid and even violent. My dad's been sick for a decade, but three years ago he got really sick, and we had to move him out of his house -- the house that I grew up in, the house that he built with his own hands. My strapping, cool dad with the falsetto singing voice had to move into a facility for round-the-clock care when he was just 65.
我爸爸有額顳葉型失智症, 也就是 FTD。 是種會讓人困惑的疾病, 通常在五、六十歲時發病。 它會完全改變一個人的人格, 讓他們偏執,甚至暴力。 我爸爸已經病了十年了, 但三年前病況惡化, 我們得把他帶離他的房子── 那間房子是我長大的地方, 是他自己用雙手建立起來的。 我的魁梧酷老爸,唱歌時會用假聲, 我們得把他送到有日夜照護的機構, 那時他才 65 歲。
At first my mom and sisters and I made the mistake of putting him in a regular nursing home. It was really pretty; it had plush carpet and afternoon art classes and a dog named Diane. But then I got a phone call.
我和我媽媽及姐妹 一開始犯了一個錯誤, 把他送到一般的安養機構。 那裡很漂亮; 有長毛絨地毯,下午有藝術課程, 還有隻叫戴安的狗。 但接著,我接到一通電話。
"Ms. Malone, we've arrested your father."
「馬龍小姐, 我們逮捕了你的父親。」
"What?"
「什麼?」
"Well, he threatened everybody with cutlery. And then he yanked the curtains off the wall, and then he tried to throw plants out the window. And then, well, he pulled all the old ladies out of their wheelchairs."
「嗯,他拿著餐刀威脅每個人。 接著他把牆壁上的簾子扯下來, 然後他試圖把植物丟出窗外。 接著,他把所有的老太太 都從輪椅上拉下來。」
"All the old ladies?"
「所有的老太太?」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
"What a cowboy."
「好一個牛仔。」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
After he got kicked out of there, we bounced him between a bunch of state-run facilities before finding a treatment center specifically for people with dementia. At first, he kind of liked it, but over time his health declined, and one day I walked in and found him sitting hunched over on the ground wearing a onesie -- those kinds of outfits that zip in the back. I watched him for about an hour as he yanked at it, trying to find a way out of this thing. And it's supposed to be practical, but to me it looked like a straightjacket. And so I ran out. I left him there. I sat in my truck -- his old truck -- hunched over, this really deep guttural cry coming out of the pit of my belly. I just couldn't believe that my father, the Adonis of my youth, my really dear friend, would think that this kind of life was worth living anymore.
在他被趕出去之後, 我們帶他去一些公立養護中心, 他總是被攆走, 最後才找到一家 專門為失智症設立的治療中心。 一開始,他還蠻喜歡那裡的, 但隨時間過去,他的健康惡化, 有一天,我去那裡時, 發現他坐在地上縮著身體, 穿著連身衣── 背後有拉鏈的那種連身服裝。 我看了他一個小時, 他一直在拉扯那件連身衣, 試著要把它脫掉。 那本來應該是很實用的服裝, 但我只覺得它看起來像緊身約束衣。 所以我跑出去了。 我把他丟在那裡。 我坐在我的卡車裡── 那是他的老卡車── 彎著身, 從我的內心深處發出粗啞的哭聲。 我就是無法相信,我的父親, 我年輕時的阿多尼斯, (註:希臘神話中的美少年) 我親愛的朋友, 會認為這樣的生命還值得活下去。
We're programmed to prioritize productivity. So when a person -- an Adonis in this case -- is no longer productive in the way we expect him to be, the way that he expects himself to be, what value does that life have left? That day in the truck, all I could imagine was that my dad was being tortured and his body was the vessel of that torture. I've got to get him out of that body. I've got to get him out of that body; I'm going to kill Dad.
我們天生就是會 把生產力排到高優先順序。 所以當一個人── 在這個例子中是阿多尼斯── 不再有我們期待他應該有的生產力, 不再有他期待他自己 該有的生產力時, 那樣的生命還剩什麼價值? 那天,在卡車裡, 我能想像的只有我爸爸正受到虐待, 而他的身體就是那虐待他的容器。 我得把他從那身體中救出來。 我得把他從那身體中救出來; 我要殺了我爸爸。
I call my sister.
我打電話給我姐姐。
"Beth," she said. "You don't want to live the rest of your life knowing that you killed your father. And you'd be arrested I think, because he can't condone it. And you don't even know how to buy heroin."
「貝絲,」她說。 「你不會想要帶著 你殺了自己爸爸的記憶 度過你的下半輩子。 且我認為你會被逮捕, 因為他無法縱容你做這事。 而且你甚至不知道去哪買海洛因。」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
It's true, I don't.
是真的,我不知道。
(Laughter) The truth is we talk about his death a lot. When will it happen? What will it be like? But I wish that we would have talked about death when we were all healthy. What does my best death look like? What does your best death look like? But my family didn't know to do that. And my sister was right. I shouldn't murder Dad with heroin, but I've got to get him out of that body.
(笑聲) 事實是,我們常常談他的死亡。 何時會發生?會是怎樣的情況? 但我希望我們在大家都健康時 就已經談論過死亡。 我最好的死亡會是什麼樣子的? 你最好的死亡會是什麼樣子的? 但我的家人之前不知道要那麼做。 我姐姐是對的。 我不該用海洛因來謀殺我爸爸, 但我得把他從他的身體中救出來。
So I went to a psychic. And then a priest, and then a support group, and they all said the same thing: sometimes people hang on when they're worried about loved ones. Just tell them you're safe, and it's OK to go when you're ready.
所以我去找靈媒。 接著去找牧師,然後是支持團體, 他們都說一樣的話: 有時,人們不願離開 是因為他們擔心他們愛的人。 只要告訴他們你很安全, 準備好了就可以離開,沒關係的。
So I went to see Dad. I found him hunched over on the ground in the onesie. He was staring past me and just kind of looking at the ground. I gave him a ginger ale and just started talking about nothing in particular, but as I was talking, he sneezed from the ginger ale. And the sneeze -- it jerked his body upright, sparking him back to life a little bit. And he just kept drinking and sneezing and sparking, over and over and over again until it stopped. And I heard, "Heheheheheh, heheheheheh ... this is so fabulous. This is so fabulous."
所以我去看爸爸。 我發現他穿著連身衣, 曲身坐在地上。 他的視線穿過我,像是看著地板。 我給他一瓶薑汁汽水, 開始說話,沒聊什麼特別的, 但當我在說話時, 他因為薑汁汽水而打噴嚏。 而那噴嚏讓他的身體突然被拉直, 稍稍讓他有一點生命的火花。 他只是不斷喝汽水和打噴嚏, 然後有一點火花,一次又一次, 直到停止。 而我聽到了, 「嘿嘿嘿嘿嘿, 嘿嘿嘿嘿嘿…… 這實在太棒了。 這實在太棒了。」
His eyes were open and he was looking at me, and I said, "Hi, Dad!" and he said, "Hiya, Beth." And I opened my mouth to tell him, right? "Dad, if you want to die, you can die. We're all OK." But as I opened my mouth to tell him, all I could say was, "Dad! I miss you." And then he said, "Well, I miss you, too." And then I just fell over because I'm just a mess.
他的眼睛打開了,他看著我, 我說:「嗨,爸爸!」 而他說:「你好啊,貝絲。」 而我要張開口,告訴他: 「爸,如果你想要死,你可以。 我們都會沒事的。」對吧? 但當我張開口要告訴他時, 我能說的只有:「爸! 我好想你。」 接著他說:「我也好想你。」 然後我就跌坐下來了, 因為我是一團糟。
So I fell over and I sat there with him because for the first time in a long time he seemed kind of OK. And I memorized his hands, feeling so grateful that his spirit was still attached to his body. And in that moment I realized I'm not responsible for this person. I'm not his doctor, I'm not his mother, I'm certainly not his God, and maybe the best way to help him and me is to resume our roles as father and daughter.
我跌坐下來,我和他坐在那裡, 因為這麼久以來, 他第一次看起來似乎很好。 我記著他的手, 非常感恩他的心靈 還和他的身體連結在一起。 在那一刻,我了解到, 我不用對這個人負責。 我不是他的醫生, 我不是他的母親, 我肯定不是他的神, 也許,幫助他和我最好的方式, 就是繼續扮演我們的父女角色。
And so we just sat there, calm and quiet like we've always done. Nobody was productive. Both of us are still strong.
所以我們就坐在那裡, 像過去一直以來那樣,沉靜、安靜。 沒有人有生產力。 我們兩個人都還很堅強。
"OK, Dad. I'm going to go, but I'll see you tomorrow."
「好了,爸,我要走了, 但我明天會再來看你。」
"OK," he said. "Hey, this is a pretty nice hacienda."
「好,」他說。 「嘿, 這是個挺好的大莊園。」
Thank you.
謝謝。
(Applause)
(掌聲)