I've been doing some thinking. I'm going to kill my dad. I called my sister.
我最近一直在想。 我要杀了我父亲。 我给姐姐打电话说,
"Listen, I've been doing some thinking. I'm going to kill Dad. I'm going to take him to Oregon, find some heroin, and give it to him."
“听着, 我最近一直在想, 我要杀了父亲。 我会把他带到俄勒冈州, 弄一些海洛因 让父亲吸食。”
My dad has frontotemporal lobe dementia, or FTD. It's a confusing disease that hits people in their 50s or 60s. It can completely change someone's personality, making them paranoid and even violent. My dad's been sick for a decade, but three years ago he got really sick, and we had to move him out of his house -- the house that I grew up in, the house that he built with his own hands. My strapping, cool dad with the falsetto singing voice had to move into a facility for round-the-clock care when he was just 65.
我父亲患有额颞叶痴呆症 或简称为FTD。 它是一种捉摸不定的病症, 往往在人们5、60岁时找上门来。 它可以彻底改变人的性格, 让病人变得偏执甚至暴力。 我父亲患这种病已经10年了, 但是3年前他的病情恶化严重, 我们不得不把他移出屋子, ——那是我从小长大的地方, 那是我父亲亲手建造的地方。 我那身材魁梧、长相酷, 唱歌爱用假音的父亲 不得不搬进提供全天候护理的疗养院 那时他才65岁。
At first my mom and sisters and I made the mistake of putting him in a regular nursing home. It was really pretty; it had plush carpet and afternoon art classes and a dog named Diane. But then I got a phone call.
刚开始,我和我母亲、 姐妹都犯了个错误, 我们把他送到一个常规的疗养院。 那个地方真的很漂亮, 那里有长毛绒地毯, 下午还有艺术课, 还有一只叫戴安的狗。 但马上我就接到了他们打来的电话
"Ms. Malone, we've arrested your father."
“Malone女士, 我们已经逮捕了你的父亲。”
"What?"
“什么?”
"Well, he threatened everybody with cutlery. And then he yanked the curtains off the wall, and then he tried to throw plants out the window. And then, well, he pulled all the old ladies out of their wheelchairs."
"是这样的,他手持刀具, 威胁这里的每一个人 然后他把窗帘从墙上猛地拉下来。 他还试图将植物从窗口扔出去, 最后,哎,他将所有 坐轮椅的老太太从椅子上赶下来。”
"All the old ladies?"
“所有的老太太?”
(Laughter)
(笑声)
"What a cowboy."
“多么顽皮的老牛仔。”
(Laughter)
(笑声)
After he got kicked out of there, we bounced him between a bunch of state-run facilities before finding a treatment center specifically for people with dementia. At first, he kind of liked it, but over time his health declined, and one day I walked in and found him sitting hunched over on the ground wearing a onesie -- those kinds of outfits that zip in the back. I watched him for about an hour as he yanked at it, trying to find a way out of this thing. And it's supposed to be practical, but to me it looked like a straightjacket. And so I ran out. I left him there. I sat in my truck -- his old truck -- hunched over, this really deep guttural cry coming out of the pit of my belly. I just couldn't believe that my father, the Adonis of my youth, my really dear friend, would think that this kind of life was worth living anymore.
他被那里赶出来之后, 我们又换了几家国营的疗养院, 最后才找到一家 专门针对痴呆症患者的疗养中心。 刚开始,他有些喜欢那里, 但过了段时间,他的症状变差, 有一天我走进去 发现他弯腰驼背地坐在地上, 穿着一件连体衣—— 就是那种背后有拉链的衣服。 我在那里看了有一个小时, 他不停地拉,想要把这件衣服脱掉。 它本来应该是件实用的服装, 但在我看来它就像一件约束犯人的 束衣。 我跑了出去。 将他丢在那里。 我坐在卡车里—— 他的旧卡车, 蜷缩着身子, 痛哭一场。 我完全不敢置信我的父亲, 我青春期的“阿多尼斯”, 我亲密的朋友, 会认为这种人生值得一活。
We're programmed to prioritize productivity. So when a person -- an Adonis in this case -- is no longer productive in the way we expect him to be, the way that he expects himself to be, what value does that life have left? That day in the truck, all I could imagine was that my dad was being tortured and his body was the vessel of that torture. I've got to get him out of that body. I've got to get him out of that body; I'm going to kill Dad.
我们天生就追求成就, 因此当一个人—— 在这里即“阿多尼斯”, 不再像我们期待的那样, 不像他自身对自己期待的 那样能够有所成就的时候, 这样的人生还有什么价值呢? 那天在卡车上 我能想象的是父亲正遭受折磨, 他的躯体是这种折磨的藏身所。 我必须将他从那具躯体中拯救出来。 我必须将他从那具躯体中拯救出来, 那么,我必定要杀了父亲。
I call my sister.
我给姐姐打电话
"Beth," she said. "You don't want to live the rest of your life knowing that you killed your father. And you'd be arrested I think, because he can't condone it. And you don't even know how to buy heroin."
她回复道,“Beth,“ ”你不想余生生活在 你杀了父亲的阴影当中。 而且我想你会遭到逮捕的 因为他没法去宽恕你。 你甚至不知道如何买海洛因。”
(Laughter)
(笑声)
It's true, I don't.
是的,我不知道怎么买。
(Laughter) The truth is we talk about his death a lot. When will it happen? What will it be like? But I wish that we would have talked about death when we were all healthy. What does my best death look like? What does your best death look like? But my family didn't know to do that. And my sister was right. I shouldn't murder Dad with heroin, but I've got to get him out of that body.
(笑声) 事实上是, 关于父亲的死亡我们谈论了很多。 死亡将何时来临?将会是怎样的? 但我希望在我们都健康的时候, 就讨论死亡。 我最好的死亡方式是怎样的? 你最好的死亡方式是怎样的? 但是我的家人未谈论过这些。 我姐姐是对的。 我不应该用海洛因谋杀父亲, 但我必须将他从那具躯体中 拯救出来。
So I went to a psychic. And then a priest, and then a support group, and they all said the same thing: sometimes people hang on when they're worried about loved ones. Just tell them you're safe, and it's OK to go when you're ready.
因此我去找过通灵师, 接着找了牧师,还有一个互助团体 他们都告诉我同样的事: 当人们在担忧至亲的时候, 会不忍就此离去。 只要告诉他们你是安全的, 当你安全时他可以安心离去。
So I went to see Dad. I found him hunched over on the ground in the onesie. He was staring past me and just kind of looking at the ground. I gave him a ginger ale and just started talking about nothing in particular, but as I was talking, he sneezed from the ginger ale. And the sneeze -- it jerked his body upright, sparking him back to life a little bit. And he just kept drinking and sneezing and sparking, over and over and over again until it stopped. And I heard, "Heheheheheh, heheheheheh ... this is so fabulous. This is so fabulous."
因此我去看父亲, 我发现他穿着背扣衣, 弯腰驼背坐在地上。 他眼神跨过我, 就像在看着地板。 我给了他一瓶姜汁饮料, 开始漫无目的地交谈 但当我在说话的时候, 他因为喝饮料而直打喷嚏。 打喷嚏的动作就 顺势让他的身体直立起来, 闪现出一丝生命的活力。 他一直不停地喝饮料打喷嚏, 循环往复, 直到最后停下来。 这时候我听到, ”呵呵呵呵 呵呵呵呵…… 太赞了。 太赞了。”
His eyes were open and he was looking at me, and I said, "Hi, Dad!" and he said, "Hiya, Beth." And I opened my mouth to tell him, right? "Dad, if you want to die, you can die. We're all OK." But as I opened my mouth to tell him, all I could say was, "Dad! I miss you." And then he said, "Well, I miss you, too." And then I just fell over because I'm just a mess.
他的眼睛是睁开的, 他正看着我。 我说:“父亲,你好!” 他回复道:“贝丝,你好啊。” 然后我就可以开口告诉他, 对吧? “父亲,如果你想离去, 你可以。” 我们都很好 但是的当我真正张开嘴时, 我能说出口的只有, “父亲,我想你。” 接着他说:”我也想你。“ 然后我就跌坐下来, 因为我一团糟。
So I fell over and I sat there with him because for the first time in a long time he seemed kind of OK. And I memorized his hands, feeling so grateful that his spirit was still attached to his body. And in that moment I realized I'm not responsible for this person. I'm not his doctor, I'm not his mother, I'm certainly not his God, and maybe the best way to help him and me is to resume our roles as father and daughter.
我跟他坐在一起, 因为很长时间来我首次发现 他看起来还不错, 我拉着他的手 他的灵魂还依附于身体上, 对此我心存感激。 在那一瞬间,我意识到, 我无法对这个人负责, 我不是他的医生, 我也不是他的母亲, 我肯定不是他的上帝, 也许帮助他和我的最好方式是, 回归我们父女的角色。
And so we just sat there, calm and quiet like we've always done. Nobody was productive. Both of us are still strong.
因此我们就这么坐着, 像一直以来的那样平静镇定, 没有人是浮躁不安的。 我们都还很坚强。
"OK, Dad. I'm going to go, but I'll see you tomorrow."
”好了,父亲,我要走了, 但我明天还会来看你。“
"OK," he said. "Hey, this is a pretty nice hacienda."
”好的“,他说, "嘿, 这个地方真不错。“
Thank you.
谢谢。
(Applause)
(掌声)