I've been doing some thinking. I'm going to kill my dad. I called my sister.
Premýšľala som. Otca zabijem. Zavolala som sestre.
"Listen, I've been doing some thinking. I'm going to kill Dad. I'm going to take him to Oregon, find some heroin, and give it to him."
„Počuj, premýšľala som. Otca zabijem. Zoberiem ho do Oregonu, zoženiem heroín a podám mu ho.“
My dad has frontotemporal lobe dementia, or FTD. It's a confusing disease that hits people in their 50s or 60s. It can completely change someone's personality, making them paranoid and even violent. My dad's been sick for a decade, but three years ago he got really sick, and we had to move him out of his house -- the house that I grew up in, the house that he built with his own hands. My strapping, cool dad with the falsetto singing voice had to move into a facility for round-the-clock care when he was just 65.
Môj otec trpí frontotemporálnou demenciou alebo tiež FTD. Je to mätúca choroba, ktorá postihuje ľudí vo veku 50 až 60 rokov. Dokáže úplne zmeniť osobnosť, urobiť človeka paranoidným či násilným. Môj otec je chorý už desaťročie, ale pred tromi rokmi sa mu stav zhoršil a museli sme ho odsťahovať z domu. Z domu, v ktorom som vyrástla, z domu, ktorý postavil vlastnými rukami. Môj urastený, pokojný otec so spevavým falzetým hlasom sa musel presťahovať do zariadenia s nepretržitou starostlivosťou, keď mal len 65 rokov.
At first my mom and sisters and I made the mistake of putting him in a regular nursing home. It was really pretty; it had plush carpet and afternoon art classes and a dog named Diane. But then I got a phone call.
Moja mama, sestry a ja sme najprv urobili chybu a dali ho do obyčajného domova dôchodcov. Bolo tam veľmi pekne. Bol tam plyšový koberec, poobedné hodiny umenia a fena Diane. Ale potom mi zavolali.
"Ms. Malone, we've arrested your father."
„Slečna Malone, zatkli sme vášho otca.“
"What?"
„Prosím?“
"Well, he threatened everybody with cutlery. And then he yanked the curtains off the wall, and then he tried to throw plants out the window. And then, well, he pulled all the old ladies out of their wheelchairs."
„Ohrozoval všetkých príborom a potom strhol zo steny závesy, a pokúsil sa vyhodiť kvety von z okna. Potom vytiahol všetky staré dámy z ich invalidných vozíkov.“
"All the old ladies?"
„Všetky staré dámy?“
(Laughter)
(smiech)
"What a cowboy."
„Aký kovboj!“
(Laughter)
(smiech)
After he got kicked out of there, we bounced him between a bunch of state-run facilities before finding a treatment center specifically for people with dementia. At first, he kind of liked it, but over time his health declined, and one day I walked in and found him sitting hunched over on the ground wearing a onesie -- those kinds of outfits that zip in the back. I watched him for about an hour as he yanked at it, trying to find a way out of this thing. And it's supposed to be practical, but to me it looked like a straightjacket. And so I ran out. I left him there. I sat in my truck -- his old truck -- hunched over, this really deep guttural cry coming out of the pit of my belly. I just couldn't believe that my father, the Adonis of my youth, my really dear friend, would think that this kind of life was worth living anymore.
Po tom, čo ho odtiaľ vyhodili, vystriedal niekoľko štátnych zariadení, kým sme nenašli špeciálne ošetrovateľské centrum pre ľudí s demenciou. Najprv sa mu tam páčilo, ale po čase sa jeho stav zhoršil a jedného dňa som vošla a našla ho sediaceho a zhrbeného na zemi v overale, čo má zips vzadu. Pozorovala som ho asi hodinu, ako sa v ňom mykal a snažil sa z neho dostať. Malo to byť praktické, ale mne to pripadalo ako kazajka. A tak som odtiaľ utiekla. Nechala som ho tam. Nastúpila som do môjho nákladiaku, jeho starého nákladiaku, zhrbená, taký hlboký hrdelný plač mi vychádzal z hĺbky brucha. Nemohla som uveriť, že môj otec, Adonis mojej mladosti, môj skutočne drahý priateľ, by bol názoru, že takýto život bol ešte hodný žitia.
We're programmed to prioritize productivity. So when a person -- an Adonis in this case -- is no longer productive in the way we expect him to be, the way that he expects himself to be, what value does that life have left? That day in the truck, all I could imagine was that my dad was being tortured and his body was the vessel of that torture. I've got to get him out of that body. I've got to get him out of that body; I'm going to kill Dad.
Sme naprogramovaní pripisovať najväčšiu dôležitosť aktivite. Takže keď človek, v tomto prípade Adonis, už viac nie je aktívny tak, ako sa to od neho očakáva, ako on sám očakáva, akú hodnotu má potom život? V ten deň v aute som si vedela predstaviť iba to, že môj otec je týraný a jeho telo je nádoba toho týrania. Musím ho dostať z tela von. Musím ho dostať z tela von, otca zabijem.
I call my sister.
Volám sestre.
"Beth," she said. "You don't want to live the rest of your life knowing that you killed your father. And you'd be arrested I think, because he can't condone it. And you don't even know how to buy heroin."
„Beth,“ povedala. „nechceš žiť zvyšok života s myšlienkou, že si zabila vlastného otca. A myslím si, že by ťa zatkli, lebo on to nemôže ospravedlniť. A ty ani nevieš, ako kúpiť heroín.“
(Laughter)
(smiech)
It's true, I don't.
To je pravda, neviem.
(Laughter) The truth is we talk about his death a lot. When will it happen? What will it be like? But I wish that we would have talked about death when we were all healthy. What does my best death look like? What does your best death look like? But my family didn't know to do that. And my sister was right. I shouldn't murder Dad with heroin, but I've got to get him out of that body.
(smiech) Pravdou je, že o jeho smrti veľa hovoríme. Kedy nastane? Aká bude? Ale bola by som radšej, keby sme o smrti boli hovorili, kým sme boli všetci zdraví. Ako vyzerá moja najlepšia smrť? Ako vyzerá tvoja najlepšia smrť? Ale moja rodina to neurobila. A moja sestra mala pravdu. Nemala by som zabiť otca heroínom, ale musím ho dostať z tela von.
So I went to a psychic. And then a priest, and then a support group, and they all said the same thing: sometimes people hang on when they're worried about loved ones. Just tell them you're safe, and it's OK to go when you're ready.
Tak som išla k okultistke. A potom ku kňazovi a do podpornej skupiny, a všetci mi povedali to isté: Niekedy sa ľudia držia pri živote, lebo sa boja o svojich blízkych. Povedz im, že si v bezpečí a že je v poriadku odísť, keď sú pripravení.
So I went to see Dad. I found him hunched over on the ground in the onesie. He was staring past me and just kind of looking at the ground. I gave him a ginger ale and just started talking about nothing in particular, but as I was talking, he sneezed from the ginger ale. And the sneeze -- it jerked his body upright, sparking him back to life a little bit. And he just kept drinking and sneezing and sparking, over and over and over again until it stopped. And I heard, "Heheheheheh, heheheheheh ... this is so fabulous. This is so fabulous."
Tak som išla za otcom. Našla som ho zhrbeného na zemi v overale. Pozeral sa za mňa a tak nejako do zeme. Dala som mu zázvorové pivo a začali sme sa rozprávať o ničom konkrétnom, ale ako som rozprávala, kýchol si z toho piva. A to kýchnutie ním myklo smerom nahor a dalo mu malú iskru do života. Pokračoval v pití a kýchaní a iskrení, znova a znova a znova, až kým to neprestalo. A počula som, „Heheheheheh, heheheheheh... je to úžasné. Je to úžasné.“
His eyes were open and he was looking at me, and I said, "Hi, Dad!" and he said, "Hiya, Beth." And I opened my mouth to tell him, right? "Dad, if you want to die, you can die. We're all OK." But as I opened my mouth to tell him, all I could say was, "Dad! I miss you." And then he said, "Well, I miss you, too." And then I just fell over because I'm just a mess.
Mal oči otvorené a pozeral sa na mňa a povedala som mu: „Ahoj, tati!“ A on odpovedal, „Ahoj, Beth.“ Otvorila som ústa, aby som mu to povedala. „Tati, ak chceš zomrieť, tak môžeš. Všetci sme v poriadku.“ Ale ako som otvorila ústa, vedela som povedať len, „Tati! Chýbaš mi.“ A on odpovedal, „Aj ty mi chýbaš.“ A potom som sa iba prevalila, lebo som nemehlo.
So I fell over and I sat there with him because for the first time in a long time he seemed kind of OK. And I memorized his hands, feeling so grateful that his spirit was still attached to his body. And in that moment I realized I'm not responsible for this person. I'm not his doctor, I'm not his mother, I'm certainly not his God, and maybe the best way to help him and me is to resume our roles as father and daughter.
Takže som sa iba prevalila a sedela tam s ním, pretože po prvýkrát za dlhý čas sa zdal byť v poriadku. A zapamätala som si jeho ruky, a bola vďačná, že jeho duch bol stále pripútaný k jeho telu. A v tom momente som si uvedomila, že nie som zodpovedná za tohto človeka. Nie som jeho doktor. Nie som jeho matka. Určite nie som jeho Boh a možno ten najlepší spôsob, ako pomôcť jemu aj sebe, je znova prebrať naše úlohy otca a dcéry.
And so we just sat there, calm and quiet like we've always done. Nobody was productive. Both of us are still strong.
A tak sme tam len sedeli, pokojne a ticho, ako sme vždy zvykli. Nikto nebol aktívny. Obaja sme stále silní.
"OK, Dad. I'm going to go, but I'll see you tomorrow."
„OK, tati. Teraz odídem, ale zajtra prídem znova.“
"OK," he said. "Hey, this is a pretty nice hacienda."
„OK,“ povedal. „Hej, toto je celkom pekná hacienda.“
Thank you.
Ďakujem.
(Applause)
(potlesk)