I've been doing some thinking. I'm going to kill my dad. I called my sister.
Aku sudah lama memikirkannya, Aku akan membunuh ayahku. Aku telepon saudari saya.
"Listen, I've been doing some thinking. I'm going to kill Dad. I'm going to take him to Oregon, find some heroin, and give it to him."
Dengar, aku sudah lama memikirkannya. Aku akan membunuh ayah. Aku akan membawanya ke Oregon, mencari sedikit heroin, dan memberikannya ke ayah
My dad has frontotemporal lobe dementia, or FTD. It's a confusing disease that hits people in their 50s or 60s. It can completely change someone's personality, making them paranoid and even violent. My dad's been sick for a decade, but three years ago he got really sick, and we had to move him out of his house -- the house that I grew up in, the house that he built with his own hands. My strapping, cool dad with the falsetto singing voice had to move into a facility for round-the-clock care when he was just 65.
Ayahku mengidap demensia frontotemporal atau FTD. Penyakit membingungkan yang menimpa orang di usia 50 atau 60, yang dapat mengubah kepribadian seseorang sepenuhnya, membuat mereka gelisah, bahkan menjadi kasar. Ayahku sudah sakit selama 10 tahun, tapi 3 tahun lalu sakitnya bertambah parah, dan kami harus memindahkannya keluar dari rumah -- rumah tempatku dibesarkan, rumah yang ia bangun dengan tangannya sendiri. Ayahku yang tegap dan keren dengan suaranya yang tinggi harus pindah ke fasilitas 24 jam saat dia baru berusia 65 tahun.
At first my mom and sisters and I made the mistake of putting him in a regular nursing home. It was really pretty; it had plush carpet and afternoon art classes and a dog named Diane. But then I got a phone call.
Awalnya aku, ibuku, dan saudariku membuat kesalahan dengan menitipkannya di panti jompo biasa. Panti itu sangat cantik; memiliki karpet mewah, dan kelas seni sore hari dan seekor anjing bernama Diane. Lalu aku mendapat telepon.
"Ms. Malone, we've arrested your father."
"Nona Malone, kami menahan ayah Anda."
"What?"
"Apa?"
"Well, he threatened everybody with cutlery. And then he yanked the curtains off the wall, and then he tried to throw plants out the window. And then, well, he pulled all the old ladies out of their wheelchairs."
Ya, dia mengancam semua orang dengan peralatan makan. Lalu dia menarik tirai dari dinding, lalu dia mencoba melempar tanaman keluar jendela. Dan dia menarik semua wanita tua dari kursi roda mereka.
"All the old ladies?"
"Semua wanita tua?"
(Laughter)
(Tertawa)
"What a cowboy."
"Garang sekali."
(Laughter)
(Tertawa)
After he got kicked out of there, we bounced him between a bunch of state-run facilities before finding a treatment center specifically for people with dementia. At first, he kind of liked it, but over time his health declined, and one day I walked in and found him sitting hunched over on the ground wearing a onesie -- those kinds of outfits that zip in the back. I watched him for about an hour as he yanked at it, trying to find a way out of this thing. And it's supposed to be practical, but to me it looked like a straightjacket. And so I ran out. I left him there. I sat in my truck -- his old truck -- hunched over, this really deep guttural cry coming out of the pit of my belly. I just couldn't believe that my father, the Adonis of my youth, my really dear friend, would think that this kind of life was worth living anymore.
Setelah dia diusir dari sana, kami memindahkannya ke beberapa fasilitas milik negara sebelum menemukan pusat perawatan khusus penderita demensia. Awalnya, dia agak menyukainya, tapi seiring waktu kesehatannya memburuk, sewaktu aku mengunjunginya dan menemukannya duduk membungkuk di atas tanah mengenakan baju terusan-- jenis pakaian dengan ritsleting di belakang. Aku memperhatikan sekitar satu jam saat ia menariki bajunya, mencari cara untuk keluar dari benda itu. Seharusnya baju itu praktis, tapi bagiku itu terlihat seperti baju tahanan. Dan aku tak tahan lagi. Aku tinggalkan dia di sana. Aku duduk di truk --truk lamanya-- membungkuk, tangis parau yang sangat mendalam ini keluar dari perutku. Aku hanya tidak percaya bahwa ayahku, Pujaan masa mudaku, teman terbaikku, akan mengira kehidupan semacam ini layak untuk dijalani.
We're programmed to prioritize productivity. So when a person -- an Adonis in this case -- is no longer productive in the way we expect him to be, the way that he expects himself to be, what value does that life have left? That day in the truck, all I could imagine was that my dad was being tortured and his body was the vessel of that torture. I've got to get him out of that body. I've got to get him out of that body; I'm going to kill Dad.
Kita diajarkan untuk memgedepankan produktivitas. Jadi ketika seseorang -- seorang pujaan dalam kasus ini -- sudah tidak lagi produktif seperti yang kita harapkan, seperti apa yang dirinya harapkan, nilai apa yang tersisa dari kehidupan itu? Hari itu di dalam truk, yang bisa kubayangkan hanyalah ayahku sedang disiksa dan tubuhnya adalah wadah dari penyiksaan itu. Aku harus mengeluarkannya dari tubuh itu Aku harus mengeluarkannya dari tubuh itu; aku akan membunuh ayah.
I call my sister.
Aku telepon saudariku.
"Beth," she said. "You don't want to live the rest of your life knowing that you killed your father. And you'd be arrested I think, because he can't condone it. And you don't even know how to buy heroin."
Dia jawab "Beth". Kau tidak ingin menjalani sisa hidupmu dikenal bahwa kau membunuh ayahmu. Dan menurutku kau akan ditangkap, karena ia tidak bisa memaafkanmu. Kau bahkan tidak tahu cara membeli heroin.
(Laughter)
(Tertawa)
It's true, I don't.
Itu benar, aku tidak tahu.
(Laughter) The truth is we talk about his death a lot. When will it happen? What will it be like? But I wish that we would have talked about death when we were all healthy. What does my best death look like? What does your best death look like? But my family didn't know to do that. And my sister was right. I shouldn't murder Dad with heroin, but I've got to get him out of that body.
(Tertawa) Kami sering membicarakan tentang kematiannya Kapan terjadinya? Akan seperti apa? Tapi aku harap kami bisa membicarakan soal kematian di saat kami semua sehat. Seperti apa kematian terbaikku? Seperti apa kematian terbaikmu? Keluargaku pun tak tahu cara melakukannya. Dan saudariku benar. Tak seharusnya aku membunuh ayah dengan heroin, tapi aku harus mengeluarkannya dari tubuh itu
So I went to a psychic. And then a priest, and then a support group, and they all said the same thing: sometimes people hang on when they're worried about loved ones. Just tell them you're safe, and it's OK to go when you're ready.
Jadi aku pergi ke dukun. dan ke pendeta, ke kelompok pendukung, dan semua mengatakan hal yang sama terkadang seseorang bertahan saat khawatir dengan orang tercinta Katakan padanya bahwa kau baik-baik saja, dan tidak apa jika dia pergi.
So I went to see Dad. I found him hunched over on the ground in the onesie. He was staring past me and just kind of looking at the ground. I gave him a ginger ale and just started talking about nothing in particular, but as I was talking, he sneezed from the ginger ale. And the sneeze -- it jerked his body upright, sparking him back to life a little bit. And he just kept drinking and sneezing and sparking, over and over and over again until it stopped. And I heard, "Heheheheheh, heheheheheh ... this is so fabulous. This is so fabulous."
Jadi aku pergi menemui ayah menjumpainya sedang membungkuk memakai baju terusan. Dia hanya melihatku sekilas lalu menatap ke tanah, Aku beri dia minuman jahe dan mulai mengobrol basa-basi tapi saat aku sedang berbicara, dia bersin dari minuman jahenya. Dan bersinnya -- menyentakkan tubuhnya tegak lurus memicunya sedikit kembali ke kehidupan. dan dia terus minum, dan bersin, dan kembali ke kehidupan, terus menerus sampai akhirnya berhenti. Dan aku mendengar, Heheheheheh, heheheheheh... ini sangat menakjubkan, Ini sangat menakjubkan.
His eyes were open and he was looking at me, and I said, "Hi, Dad!" and he said, "Hiya, Beth." And I opened my mouth to tell him, right? "Dad, if you want to die, you can die. We're all OK." But as I opened my mouth to tell him, all I could say was, "Dad! I miss you." And then he said, "Well, I miss you, too." And then I just fell over because I'm just a mess.
Matanya terbuka dan dia menatapku, dan aku berkata "Hai ayah!" dan dia berkata, "Hiya, Beth." Dan aku harus mengatakannya, ya kan? "Ayah, tidak apa-apa jika ayah ingin mati. Kami baik-baik saja." Tapi saat aku membuka mulutku, yang bisa kuucapkan hanyalah, "Ayah! Aku merindukanmu." Lalu dia berkata, "Ya, aku juga merindukanmu." Dan kemudian aku terjatuh, karena aku sangat kalut.
So I fell over and I sat there with him because for the first time in a long time he seemed kind of OK. And I memorized his hands, feeling so grateful that his spirit was still attached to his body. And in that moment I realized I'm not responsible for this person. I'm not his doctor, I'm not his mother, I'm certainly not his God, and maybe the best way to help him and me is to resume our roles as father and daughter.
Jadi aku terjatuh, dan duduk di sana bersamanya karena untuk pertama kalinya, dia terlihat baik-baik saja. Dan aku merasakan tangannya, merasa sangat bersyukur bahwa jiwanya masih melekat pada tubuhnya. Dan pada momen itu aku sadar Aku tidak bertanggung jawab atas ayahku. Aku bukan dokternya, aku bukan ibunya, dan sudah tentu aku bukan Tuhannya, dan mungkin, cara terbaik untuk kami berdua adalah dengan melanjutkan peran kami sebagai ayah dan anak.
And so we just sat there, calm and quiet like we've always done. Nobody was productive. Both of us are still strong.
Akhirnya kami hanya duduk, tenang dan sunyi seperti yang selalu kami lakukan. Tidak melakukan apa pun. Kami berdua masih tetap kuat.
"OK, Dad. I'm going to go, but I'll see you tomorrow."
"OK ayah, aku akan pergi, tapi aku akan datang lagi besok."
"OK," he said. "Hey, this is a pretty nice hacienda."
"OK", katanya. "Hei, tempat ini cukup bagus."
Thank you.
Terima kasih.
(Applause)
(Tepuk tangan)