This summer I was back in Ohio for a family wedding, and when I was there, there was a meet and greet with Anna and Elsa from "Frozen." Not the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen," as this was not a Disney-sanctioned event. These two entrepreneurs had a business of running princess parties. Your kid is turning five? They'll come sing some songs, sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great. And they were not about to miss out on the opportunity that was the phenomenon and that was "Frozen."
今年夏天我回俄亥俄州 去參加一個親戚的婚禮。 當我在那裡, 與他人會面時,被《冰雪奇緣》中的 安娜(Anna)和艾莎(Elsa)迎接。 噢,那當然不是《冰雪奇緣》中的安娜和艾莎, 因為這並不是迪士尼公司批准的活動。 這兩個商人有公主派對的業務。 如果你的小孩五歲了, 她們會來唱一些歌,撒一些“仙塵”, 這太棒了。 並且她們不想錯過 那些關於《冰雪奇緣》等 熱門現象的機會。
So they get hired by a local toy store, kids come in on a Saturday morning, buy some Disney swag, get their picture taken with the princesses, call it a day. It's like Santa Claus without the seasonal restrictions. (Laughter)
所以她們受僱於當地玩具店, 在一個星期六上午,孩子們來了, 買一些迪士尼飾品,和公主們合影留念, 然後到此為止。 這就像聖誕老人一樣,只不過沒有時令限制。 (笑聲)
And my three-and-a-half-year-old niece Samantha was in the thick of it. She could care less that these two women were signing posters and coloring books as Snow Queen and Princess Ana with one N to avoid copyright lawsuits. (Laughter) According to my niece and the 200-plus kids in the parking lot that day, this was the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."
並且我三歲半的外甥女薩曼莎對這正來勁。 她根本就不在乎這兩個女人,在海報和彩色畫冊上 以“Snow Queen(雪女王)”以及 為了避免版權訴訟的 "Princess Ana (只有一個字母N的阿娜公主)" 的名字簽名。 (笑聲) 對我的外甥女和 那天在停車場的200多個孩子來說, 她們就是《冰雪奇緣》中的安娜和艾莎。
It is a blazing hot Saturday morning in August in Ohio. We get there at 10 o'clock, the scheduled start time, and we are handed number 59. By 11 o'clock they had called numbers 21 through 25; this was going to be a while, and there is no amount of free face painting or temporary tattoos that could prevent the meltdowns that were occurring outside of the store. (Laughter)
那是個八月裡俄亥俄州 熾熱的星期六上午。 我們在十點鐘到達, 即計劃中開始的時間, 我們被排到第59號。 直到十一點整,他們終於叫了21到25號。 但還得再等上一段時間。 而這裡沒有能夠阻擋店外 那令人崩潰的炎熱之氣, 免費的面部彩繪或臨時紋身貼 (笑聲)
So, by 12:30 we get called: "56 to 63, please." And as we walk in, it is a scene I can only describe you as saying it looked like Norway threw up. (Laughter) There were cardboard cut-out snowflakes covering the floor, glitter on every flat surface, and icicles all over the walls.
所以,到十二點半,終於輪到了我們, “56到63號,請進。” 當我們進入時,我能給你描述的就只是 好像挪威嘔吐了一樣 (笑聲) 雪花硬紙剪畫鋪滿了整個地板, 到處都有亮片裝飾著每個平面, 冰柱遍佈在每一堵墻上。
And as we stood in line in an attempt to give my niece a better vantage point than the backside of the mother of number 58, I put her up on my shoulders, and she was instantly riveted by the sight of the princesses. And as we moved forward, her excitement only grew, and as we finally got to the front of the line, and number 58 unfurled her poster to be signed by the princesses, I could literally feel the excitement running through her body. And let's be honest, at that point, I was pretty excited too. (Laughter) I mean, the Scandinavian decadence was mesmerizing. (Laughter)
當我們排隊站著, 為了讓我外甥女有一個 比起在58號孩子母親的背側 更有利的位置 我把她舉到了我肩膀上 而當她一看見公主的模樣就被迷住了 我們向前走時,她越來越興奮, 當我們終於到了隊伍的最前面, 58號孩子攤開了她 即將被公主們簽名的海報時, 我確實可以感受到從她身體透出的那股興奮。 老實講,當下我也是相當興奮的。 (笑聲) 我的意思是說,那種北歐斯坎地納維亞頹廢的場景 的確非常迷人。 (笑聲)
So we get to the front of the line, and the haggard clerk turns to my niece and says, "Hi, honey. You're next! Do you want to get down, or you're going to stay on your dad's shoulders for the picture?' (Laughter) And I was, for a lack of a better word, frozen. (Laughter)
所以我們終於到了隊伍前, 面帶倦容的店員朝我的外甥女說: “嗨,親愛的,你是下一個! 你是想下來, 還是繼續待在你爸爸的肩上合影?“ (笑聲) 那時,語塞的我,凍若木雞。 (笑聲)
It's amazing that in an unexpected instant we are faced with the question, who am I? Am I an aunt? Or am I an advocate? Millions of people have seen my video about how to have a hard conversation, and there one was, right in front of me. At the same time, there's nothing more important to me than the kids in my life, so I found myself in a situation that we so often find ourselves in, torn between two things, two impossible choices. Would I be an advocate? Would I take my niece off my shoulders and turn to the clerk and explain to her that I was in fact her aunt, not her father, and that she should be more careful and not to jump to gender conclusions based on haircuts and shoulder rides -- (Laughter) -- and while doing that, miss out on what was, to this point, the greatest moment of my niece's life. Or would I be an aunt? Would I brush off that comment, take a million pictures, and not be distracted for an instant from the pure joy of that moment, and by doing that, walk out with the shame that comes up for not standing up for myself, especially in front of my niece.
令人驚訝的是,在那個不預期的時刻, 我們面對著這一個問題: 我是誰? 我是一個阿姨嗎? 或者問,我是一個倡導者? 數百萬的人們看過我的有關 如何對那些難以啟齒的事開口的錄影帶, 而現在這個,就在我面前。 同一時刻, 沒有什麼比那些在我生命中的孩子更重要了, 所以我發現我自己在一種 我們經常察覺自己深陷其中, 被兩件事,或者兩個不可能的選擇拉扯著。 我會是個倡導者嗎? 我會把我的外甥女放下來, 轉身去朝店員解釋說 事實上,我是她的阿姨, 不是她的爸爸嗎? 並且說,她應該更加留心, 不要根據髮型以及把小孩扛在肩上這種事 拿來判定一個人的性別—— (笑聲) 且在做這件事的時候, 錯過了在某種程度上, 對我外甥女來說是一生中最美好的時刻。 或者讓我只是一個阿姨? 我可以忽略那句評論,照很多相片, 而絲毫不從那單純的歡樂中被打斷, 但如果這麼做, 我將帶著未為自己據理力爭的羞恥感, 走出店門。 尤其是,在我外甥女面前。
Who was I? Which one was more important? Which role was more worth it? Was I an aunt? Or was I an advocate? And I had a split second to decide.
我到底是誰? 到底哪一個比較重要? 哪一個角色值得得多? 我是一位阿姨嗎? 或者我是一個倡導者? 我只有一剎那的時間去決定。
We are taught right now that we are living in a world of constant and increasing polarity. It's so black and white, so us and them, so right and wrong. There is no middle, there is no gray, just polarity. Polarity is a state in which two ideas or opinions are completely opposite from each other; a diametrical opposition. Which side are you on? Are you unequivocally and without question antiwar, pro-choice, anti-death penalty, pro-gun regulation, proponent of open borders and pro-union? Or, are you absolutely and uncompromisingly pro-war, pro-life, pro-death penalty, a believer that the Second Amendment is absolute, anti-immigrant and pro-business? It's all or none, you're with us or against us. That is polarity.
現在我們被教導 我們生活在一個不斷極化、對立的世界, 就像黑與白,我們與他們,對與錯。 在這其中,沒有中間狀態, 沒有灰色地帶,只是對立。 對立指的是: 1. 一種兩個想法或觀點 完全相反的狀態; 2. 截然相反的敵對。 你站在那一邊? 你真的是斬釘截鐵地 反對戰爭,讚成合法墮胎,反對死刑, 主張槍支管制,主張開放邊境, 並且支持聯邦政府嗎? 或者,你又的確毫不含糊地 主戰,反墮胎,主張死刑, 認為政府應當允許公民持有並使用槍支, 反對移民並且親企業? 是與否,支持我們與反對我們—— 這就是對立。
The problem with polarity and absolutes is that it eliminates the individuality of our human experience and that makes it contradictory to our human nature. But if we are pulled in these two directions, but it's not really where we exist -- polarity is not our actual reality -- where do we go from there? What's at the other end of that spectrum?
對立化與絕對化的癥結,在於—— 它忽略了我們的人生閱歷所帶來的個人特點, 也與人性相違背。 我們或許在對立中不知所措, 但,對立的世界並不真的是我們所存在的世界—— 現實並不總是對立的—— 我們由現實去向何方? 而在另一個極端的,又是什麼?
I don't think it's an unattainable, harmonious utopia, I think the opposite of polarity is duality. Duality is a state of having two parts, but not in diametrical opposition, in simultaneous existence. Don't think it's possible? Here are the people I know: I know Catholics who are pro-choice, and feminists who wear hijabs, and veterans who are antiwar, and NRA members who think I should be able to get married. Those are the people I know, those are my friends and family, that is the majority of our society, that is you, that is me. (Applause) Duality is the ability to hold both things. But the question is: Can we own our duality? Can we have the courage to hold both things?
我不認為這是一個達不到的和諧烏托邦, 我認為對立的反面是二元性。 二元性是: 1. 一種雙重性的狀態, 但不是針鋒相對。 2. 同時存在。 你難道不認為那是可能的嗎? 就提我所知道的一些人為例: 我認識提倡墮胎合法的天主教徒, 戴頭巾的女權主義者 反戰的退伍軍人, 以及那些認為我應該能結婚的全國步槍協會 (其反對強制限制)的工作人員。 那些是我認識的人, 那些是我的朋友和家人。 那是我們社會的大多數, 那是你,那是我。 (掌聲) 二元性是一種能夠包容兩種事物的能力。 但問題是:我們能擁有屬於我們的二元性嗎? 我們有能夠包容兩種事物的勇氣嗎?
I work at a restaurant in town, I became really good friends with the busser. I was a server and we had a great relationship, we had a really great time together. Her Spanish was great because she was from Mexico. (Laughter) That line actually went the other way. Her English was limited, but significantly better than my Spanish. But we were united by our similarities, not separated by our differences. And we were close, even though we came from very different worlds. She was from Mexico, she left her family behind so she could come here and afford them a better life back home. She was a devout conservative Catholic, a believer in traditional family values, stereotypical roles of men and women, and I was, well, me. (Laughter)
我在鎮上的一家餐廳上班, 我與服務員助理成了很要好的朋友。 而我是一個服務員,我們關係很好。 我們在一起度過了非常美好的時光。 她的西班牙語很好, 因為她來自墨西哥 (墨西哥官方語言為西班牙語)。 (笑聲) 看來這句話實際上起了反效果。 她的英語有限,但明顯比我的西班牙語強啊! 但我們因為我們的相似性而合作無間, 而不會因為我們的不同而分離。 即使我們來自非常不同的世界,我們仍很親近。 她來自墨西哥, 她離開了她的家庭, 是為了能來這裡工作, 補貼家用,讓他們在家能過上更好的生活。 她是個虔誠的天主教徒, 那種深信傳統家庭價值觀、 傳統性別角色的人, 而我是,呃,還是我。 (笑聲)
But the things that bonded us were when she asked about my girlfriend, or she shared pictures that she had from her family back home. Those were the things that brought us together. So one day, we were in the back, scarfing down food as quickly as we could, gathered around a small table, during a very rare lull, and a new guy from the kitchen came over -- who happened to be her cousin -- and sat down with all the bravado and machismo that his 20-year-old body could hold. (Laughter) And he said to her, [in Spanish] "Does Ash have a boyfriend?" And she said, [in Spanish] "No, she has a girlfriend." And he said, [in Spanish] "A girlfriend?!?" And she set down her fork, and locked eyes with him, and said, [in Spanish] "Yes, a girlfriend. That is all." And his smug smile quickly dropped to one of maternal respect, grabbed his plate, walked off, went back to work. She never made eye contact with me. She left, did the same thing -- it was a 10-second conversation, such a short interaction.
但讓我們結合的東西是 她打聽我的女朋友的時刻, 或者是她分享了來自她家裡的照片。 就是那些東西讓我們更接近彼此。 所以有一天, 我們在儲藏室, 聚在一塊小桌旁, 盡我們所能狼吞虎嚥地吃, 在罕見的平靜中, 一個新來的傢伙從廚房裡過來了—— 那人碰巧是她堂弟—— 帶著20歲的他所能表現出來的 虛張聲勢以及男子氣概 坐下了。 (笑聲) 他對她說: “(西語)阿什有男朋友嗎?” 她回答: “(西語)不,她有一個女朋友。” 他又說: “(西語)一個,女朋友?!” 她放下了她的餐叉, 盯著他的眼睛說: “(西語)是的。一個女朋友。就是這樣。” 他那自命不凡的微笑很快就變成了 那種對母親的尊重的笑容。 他抓著他的盤子走開了, 又回去工作。 她說這話時對我從沒有眼神接觸。 她也走了,做著同樣的事—— 這是一次十秒鐘的談話, 如此短的互動。
And on paper, she had so much more in common with him: language, culture, history, family, her community was her lifeline here, but her moral compass trumped all of that. And a little bit later, they were joking around in the kitchen in Spanish, that had nothing to do with me, and that is duality. She didn't have to choose some P.C. stance on gayness over her heritage. She didn't have to choose her family over our friendship. It wasn't Jesus or Ash. (Laughter) (Applause)
理論上,她和他多的是相似之處: 語言、文化、歷史、家庭, 甚至她的社區,是她在這裡的生命線, 但她道德羅盤所指引的,卻勝過所有。 過了一會,他們又在廚房裡用西班牙語 開著那些和我無關的玩笑, 這,就是二元性。 她不必為了選擇站在同性戀立場 而捨棄了她的傳承。 她不必為了選擇她的家庭 而捨棄我們的友誼。 這不是耶穌或者阿什。 (笑聲) (掌聲)
Her individual morality was so strongly rooted that she had the courage to hold both things. Our moral integrity is our responsibility and we must be prepared to defend it even when it's not convenient. That's what it means to be an ally, and if you're going to be an ally, you have to be an active ally: Ask questions, act when you hear something inappropriate, actually engage.
她的個人道德觀念是如此根深蒂固, 讓她有能包容兩件事物的勇氣。 維持我們道德的完整性,是我們的責任, 我們為了保護它必須做好準備, 即使是在困難的時候。 這就是成為一名支持者的意義, 如果你要成為一名支持者, 你只能是一個活躍的支持者: 提出問題,在聽到不適當的話語時行動, 全心全意的投入。
I had a family friend who for years used to call my girlfriend my lover. Really? Lover? So overly sexual, so '70s gay porn. (Laughter) But she was trying, and she asked. She could have called her my friend, or my "friend," or my "special friend" -- (Laughter) -- or even worse, just not asked at all. Believe me, we would rather have you ask. I would rather have her say lover, than say nothing at all.
我有一個家人的朋友, 她幾年來都習慣叫我的女朋友 “我的愛人”。 真的嗎?愛人? 這過度性感, 就像是70年代的同性戀色情。 (笑聲) 但她在嘗試,她也問過了。 她本可以叫我的女朋友 “我的朋友”, 或者 “朋友”,或者 “摯友”—— (笑聲) 或者更糟,根本都不問。 相信我吧,我們寧可你問。 比起什麼也不說,我寧可讓她說“愛人”。
People often say to me, "Well, Ash, I don't care. I don't see race or religion or sexuality. It doesn't matter to me. I don't see it." But I think the opposite of homophobia and racism and xenophobia is not love, it's apathy. If you don't see my gayness, then you don't see me. If it doesn't matter to you who I sleep with, then you cannot imagine what it feels like when I walk down the street late at night holding her hand, and approach a group of people and have to make the decision if I should hang on to it or if I should I drop it when all I want to do is squeeze it tighter. And the small victory I feel when I make it by and don't have to let go. And the incredible cowardice and disappointment I feel when I drop it. If you do not see that struggle that is unique to my human experience because I am gay, then you don't see me. If you are going to be an ally, I need you to see me.
人們經常對我說,“好吧,阿什,我其實不在乎。 我並不關心人種、宗教或者性別之類的。 這些跟我沒關係。我不在意它們。” 但我認為,對同性戀的憎惡、 種族主義以及仇外主義的反面並不是愛, 是冷漠。 如果你並不在意我是同性戀者, 那麼你也不會在意我。 如果對你來說我和誰睡覺並不重要, 那麼你也無法想像那種 當我在深夜裡牽著她的手走在街上的感覺, 尤其在接近一群人時, 做出決定 看是要繼續牽著,還是要放手 而我其實只想握得更緊; 以及我不必再放手時 所感受到的小小勝利。 以及當我放手的時候所感到 那令人難以置信的懦弱和失望。 如果你看不出那些掙扎, 它是屬於我獨一無二的經驗,因為我是同性戀者——那麼你也不會看到我。 如果你想成為一個盟友, 我需要你在意我、看到我。
As individuals, as allies, as humans, we need to be able to hold both things: both the good and the bad, the easy and the hard. You don't learn how to hold two things just from the fluff, you learn it from the grit. And what if duality is just the first step? What if through compassion and empathy and human interaction we are able to learn to hold two things? And if we can hold two things, we can hold four, and if we can hold four, we can hold eight, and if we can hold eight, we can hold hundreds.
作為個體,作為夥伴,作為人類, 我們需要能夠包容兩件事: 好與壞, 難和易。 你從順境中是學不會如何包容兩件事的, 你是從磨練中學到它的。 再說,如果二元性還只是第一步? 如果通過同情心與惻隱之心以及人際互動 我們就能夠學會包容兩件事呢? 而且如果我們能包容兩件事物, 那我們同樣也能包容四件。 如果我們能包容四件事物, 那我們同樣也能包容八件。 如果我們能包容八件事物, 那我們同樣也能包容成百上千件事物。
We are complex individuals, swirls of contradiction. You are all holding so many things right now. What can you do to hold just a few more?
我們是多元化的個體, 矛盾的漩渦。 你們現在已經包容了很多事情。 為了能夠多包容一點, 你還能做些什麼?
So, back to Toledo, Ohio. I'm at the front of the line, niece on my shoulders, the frazzled clerk calls me Dad. Have you ever been mistaken for the wrong gender? Not even that. Have you ever been called something you are not? Here's what it feels like for me: I am instantly an internal storm of contrasting emotions. I break out into a sweat that is a combination of rage and humiliation, I feel like the entire store is staring at me, and I simultaneously feel invisible. I want to explode in a tirade of fury, and I want to crawl under a rock. And top all of that off with the frustration that I'm wearing an out-of-character tight-fitting purple t-shirt, so this whole store can see my boobs, to make sure this exact same thing doesn't happen. (Laughter) But, despite my best efforts to be seen as the gender I am, it still happens. And I hope with every ounce of my body that no one heard -- not my sister, not my girlfriend, and certainly not my niece. I am accustomed to this familiar hurt, but I will do whatever I need to do to protect the people I love from it.
那麼,回到俄亥俄州的托萊多市。 我在那條隊伍前, 肩上扛著外甥女, 疲憊的店員稱我為父親。 你曾經被認錯性別嗎? 甚至不只是這樣, 你曾經被人誤稱嗎? 這就是我的感受: 我立刻被捲入由相斥的情感 混雜而成的風暴中。 我因憤怒與屈辱而出了一身的熱汗。 我覺得整間商店都在盯著我看。 同時我感覺不被看見。 我想在千言萬語的憤怒中爆發, 我想鑽到地洞裡去。 但最令人沮喪的是:我特意穿了 一件不相稱的緊身紫色T恤, 好讓這整個商店的人 都可以看到我的胸部。 來確保這種認錯性別的事不會發生。 (笑聲) 但是,雖盡了我的最大努力 讓別人認清我的性別, 這種事仍然發生了。 我希望我身體不被人聽到的一點一滴—— 不是我的姐妹,我的女朋友, 當然更不是我的外甥女。 我已習慣這種熟悉的傷害, 但我會盡我所能去 保護我所愛的人不受這種傷害。
But then I take my niece off my shoulders, and she runs to Elsa and Anna -- the thing she's been waiting so long for -- and all that stuff goes away. All that matters is the smile on her face. And as the 30 seconds we waited two and a half hours for comes to a close we gather up our things, and I lock eyes with the clerk again; and she gives me an apologetic smile and mouths, "I am so sorry!" (Laughter) And her humanity, her willingness to admit her mistake disarms me immediately, then I give her a: "It's okay, it happens. But thanks."
但接下來我把我的外甥女從肩頭放下, 她朝艾莎和安娜跑去—— 那是她等了那麼久所期待的—— 但一切的一切都遠離了我。 她臉上的微笑,付出一切都值得。 我們為那30秒等了兩個半小時 也即將結束時, 我們收拾我們的東西, 而且我再一次盯著那位店員; 她給了我一個歉意的微笑, 並且不出聲地說: “我實在很抱歉!” (笑聲) 她的人性化,她的勇於承認錯誤 立刻瓦解了我。 然後我對她說: “沒關係,偶爾會發生,但謝謝。”
And I realize in that moment that I don't have to be either an aunt or an advocate, I can be both. I can live in duality, and I can hold two things. And if I can hold two things in that environment, I can hold so many more things. As my girlfriend and my niece hold hands and skip out the front of the door, I turn to my sister and say, "Was it worth it?" And she said, "Are you kidding me? Did you see the look on her face? This was the greatest day of her life!" (Laughter) "It was worth the two and a half hours in the heat, it was worth the overpriced coloring book that we already had a copy of." (Laughter) "It was even worth you getting called Dad." (Laughter) And for the first time ever in my life, it actually was.
在那個時刻我意識到 我沒有必要 只能選擇當阿姨或倡導者, 我能同時扮演兩個角色。 我能二元性地生活, 並且我能包容兩件事物。 並且如果我能在那種情境中 包容兩件事物, 那麼我能包容更多的事物。 當我的女朋友和我的外甥女牽著手,溜出前門時, 我朝著我的姊妹說: “這值得嗎?” 她回答:“你在開玩笑嗎? 你看到她臉上的樣子了嗎? 這是她生命中最棒的一天!“ (笑聲) ”這兩個半小時在炎熱中的等待是值得的, 甚至是那本我們已經擁有的 超貴彩色畫冊也是值得的。” (笑聲) “你被叫做‘爸爸’同樣也是值得的。” (笑聲) 這是我生命中的第一次,它真的是值得的。
Thank you, Boulder. Have a good night.
謝謝大家,謝謝 TEDxBoulder,晚安。
(Applause)
(掌聲)