This summer I was back in Ohio for a family wedding, and when I was there, there was a meet and greet with Anna and Elsa from "Frozen." Not the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen," as this was not a Disney-sanctioned event. These two entrepreneurs had a business of running princess parties. Your kid is turning five? They'll come sing some songs, sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great. And they were not about to miss out on the opportunity that was the phenomenon and that was "Frozen."
Letos sam se vratila u Ohajo zbog venčanja u porodici i dok sam bila tamo, organizovano je upoznavanje sa Anom i Elzom iz "Ledenog kraljevstva". Ne baš Anom i Elzom iz "Ledenog kraljevstva", kako ovaj događaj nije odobrio Dizni. Ove dve preduzetnice su se bavile organizovanjem zabava za princeze. Dete vam puni pet godina? One će da dođu, otpevaju pesmice, prospu malo vilinskog praha, sjajno je. I nije im se propuštala prilika, poput fenomena "Ledenog kraljevstva".
So they get hired by a local toy store, kids come in on a Saturday morning, buy some Disney swag, get their picture taken with the princesses, call it a day. It's like Santa Claus without the seasonal restrictions. (Laughter)
Unajmila ih je lokalna prodavnica igračaka, deca su došla u subotu ujutru, kupila nešto od Diznija, slikala se s princezama i to je bilo sve. Nešto kao Deda Mraz, bez sezonskog ograničenja. (Smeh)
And my three-and-a-half-year-old niece Samantha was in the thick of it. She could care less that these two women were signing posters and coloring books as Snow Queen and Princess Ana with one N to avoid copyright lawsuits. (Laughter) According to my niece and the 200-plus kids in the parking lot that day, this was the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."
A moja troipogodišnja nećaka Samanta je bila oduševljena. Nije je bilo briga što ove dve žene potpisuju postere i bojanke kao Snežna kraljica i princeza Ana s jednim n, kako bi izbegle tužbu. (Smeh) Što se tiče moje nećake i više od 200 dece tog dana na parkingu, ovo su bile Ana i Elza iz "Ledenog kraljevstva".
It is a blazing hot Saturday morning in August in Ohio. We get there at 10 o'clock, the scheduled start time, and we are handed number 59. By 11 o'clock they had called numbers 21 through 25; this was going to be a while, and there is no amount of free face painting or temporary tattoos that could prevent the meltdowns that were occurring outside of the store. (Laughter)
Pakleno je vruće subotnje avgustovsko jutro u Ohaju. Stigli smo u 10 sati, u zakazano vreme i dodeljen nam je broj 59. Do 11 sati su prozvali brojeve od 21 do 25; ovo će potrajati i nije bilo dovoljno besplatne šminke, niti privremenih tetovaža, koji bi sprečili silna topljenja koja su se dešavala ispred prodavnice. (Smeh)
So, by 12:30 we get called: "56 to 63, please." And as we walk in, it is a scene I can only describe you as saying it looked like Norway threw up. (Laughter) There were cardboard cut-out snowflakes covering the floor, glitter on every flat surface, and icicles all over the walls.
Dakle, prozvali su nas do 12:30: "Brojevi od 56 do 63, molim." I kada smo ušli, tu scenu vam jedino mogu opisati rečima - izgledalo je kao da je Norveška povratila. (Smeh) Tu su bile kartonske pahulje svuda po podu, sjaj na svim ravnim površinama i ledenice svuda po zidovima.
And as we stood in line in an attempt to give my niece a better vantage point than the backside of the mother of number 58, I put her up on my shoulders, and she was instantly riveted by the sight of the princesses. And as we moved forward, her excitement only grew, and as we finally got to the front of the line, and number 58 unfurled her poster to be signed by the princesses, I could literally feel the excitement running through her body. And let's be honest, at that point, I was pretty excited too. (Laughter) I mean, the Scandinavian decadence was mesmerizing. (Laughter)
I dok smo stajali u redu, kako bih nećaci obezbedila bolji pogled od pozadine majke broja 58, podigla sam je na svoja ramena i ona je momentalno bila fascinirana prizorom princeza. I kako smo prilazili, njeno uzbuđenje je samo raslo i kada smo konačno stigli na vrh reda i kada je broj 58 razvila svoj poster, kako bi ga princeze potpisale, bukvalno sam mogla da osetim uzbuđenje kako joj potresa telo. I, da budem iskrena, tada sam i sama bila prilično uzbuđena. (Smeh) Mislim, skandinavska dekadencija je bila očaravajuća. (Smeh)
So we get to the front of the line, and the haggard clerk turns to my niece and says, "Hi, honey. You're next! Do you want to get down, or you're going to stay on your dad's shoulders for the picture?' (Laughter) And I was, for a lack of a better word, frozen. (Laughter)
Stigli smo ispred svih, a unezverena pomoćnica se okreće mojoj nećaci i kaže: "Zdravo, dušo. Ti si na redu! Želiš li da siđeš ili ćeš da ostaneš na tatinim ramenima tokom fotografisanja?" (Smeh) I ja sam se, u nedostatku bolje reči, sledila. (Smeh)
It's amazing that in an unexpected instant we are faced with the question, who am I? Am I an aunt? Or am I an advocate? Millions of people have seen my video about how to have a hard conversation, and there one was, right in front of me. At the same time, there's nothing more important to me than the kids in my life, so I found myself in a situation that we so often find ourselves in, torn between two things, two impossible choices. Would I be an advocate? Would I take my niece off my shoulders and turn to the clerk and explain to her that I was in fact her aunt, not her father, and that she should be more careful and not to jump to gender conclusions based on haircuts and shoulder rides -- (Laughter) -- and while doing that, miss out on what was, to this point, the greatest moment of my niece's life. Or would I be an aunt? Would I brush off that comment, take a million pictures, and not be distracted for an instant from the pure joy of that moment, and by doing that, walk out with the shame that comes up for not standing up for myself, especially in front of my niece.
Neverovatno je kako iznenada možemo da se suočimo s pitanjem: ko sam ja? Jesam li ja tetka? Ili sam glasnogovornica? Milioni ljudi su videli moj snimak o tome kako da vodimo teške razgovore, a jedan je bio baš ispred mene. Istovremeno, ništa mi nije važnije od dece u mom životu, pa sam se zatekla u situaciji u kojoj se često zateknemo, rastrgnuti između dve stvari, dva nemoguća izbora. Da li da budem glasnogovornica? Da li da spustim nećaku s ramena i okrenem se pomoćnici i objasnim joj da sam ja zapravo devojčicina tetka, a ne otac i da bi trebalo više da pazi i da ne donosi ishitrene sudove o rodu, zasnovane na frizuri i prćenju dece - (Smeh) - i da tako propustim nešto što je, do danas, najizuzetniji dan u nećakinom životu. Ili da budem tetka? Da li da odmahnem na taj komentar, napravim milion fotografija i ne budem ni za sekund odvraćena od čistog užitka tog momenta, i postupajući tako odšetam postiđena zbog toga što se nisam zauzela za sebe, naročito pred nećakom.
Who was I? Which one was more important? Which role was more worth it? Was I an aunt? Or was I an advocate? And I had a split second to decide.
Ko sam ja? Šta je važnije? Koja uloga je vrednija? Jesam li tetka? Ili sam glasnogovornica? A imala sam delić sekunde da odlučim.
We are taught right now that we are living in a world of constant and increasing polarity. It's so black and white, so us and them, so right and wrong. There is no middle, there is no gray, just polarity. Polarity is a state in which two ideas or opinions are completely opposite from each other; a diametrical opposition. Which side are you on? Are you unequivocally and without question antiwar, pro-choice, anti-death penalty, pro-gun regulation, proponent of open borders and pro-union? Or, are you absolutely and uncompromisingly pro-war, pro-life, pro-death penalty, a believer that the Second Amendment is absolute, anti-immigrant and pro-business? It's all or none, you're with us or against us. That is polarity.
Uče nas da živimo u sve polarizovanijem svetu. Sve je crno i belo, mi i oni, ispravno i pogrešno. Nema sredine, ne postoji siva zona, samo polaritet. Polaritet je stanje u kom su dve ideje ili mišljenja potpuno međusobno suprotne; dijametralno suprotne. Na kojoj ste strani? Da li ste nedvosmisleno i bespogovorno protiv rata, za slobodu, protiv smrtne kazne za kontrolu oružja, zagovornici otvorenih granica i za sindikat? Ili ste apsolutno i beskompromisno za rat, protiv abortusa, za smrtnu kaznu, ubeđeni da je drugi stav Ustava prevaziđen, protiv imigranata i za kapitalizam? Sve ili ništa, sa nama ste ili protiv nas. To je polaritet.
The problem with polarity and absolutes is that it eliminates the individuality of our human experience and that makes it contradictory to our human nature. But if we are pulled in these two directions, but it's not really where we exist -- polarity is not our actual reality -- where do we go from there? What's at the other end of that spectrum?
Problem s polaritetom i apsolutima je što uklanjaju individualnost iz našeg ljudskog iskustva i da su stoga kontradiktorni našoj ljudskoj prirodi. Ali ako nas vuku na dve strane, ali to nije naša stvarnost - polaritet nije naša stvarnost - kako da nađemo put iz toga? Šta je s druge strane spektra?
I don't think it's an unattainable, harmonious utopia, I think the opposite of polarity is duality. Duality is a state of having two parts, but not in diametrical opposition, in simultaneous existence. Don't think it's possible? Here are the people I know: I know Catholics who are pro-choice, and feminists who wear hijabs, and veterans who are antiwar, and NRA members who think I should be able to get married. Those are the people I know, those are my friends and family, that is the majority of our society, that is you, that is me. (Applause) Duality is the ability to hold both things. But the question is: Can we own our duality? Can we have the courage to hold both things?
Ne mislim da je to nedostižna, harmonična utopija, mislim da je suprotno polaritetu dualizam. Dualizam je stanje posedovanja dva dela, koja nisu dijametralno suprotna, a postoje istovremeno. Ne mislite da je moguće? Ove ljude poznajem: znam katolike koji su za abortus i feministkinje koje nose hidžab i veterane koji su protiv rata i desničare koji smatraju da imam pravo na brak. To su ljudi koje poznajem, to su moji prijatelji i porodica, to je većina našeg društva, to ste vi, to sam ja. (Aplauz) Dualizam je sposobnost držanja dva ubeđenja. Ali pitanje je: možemo li da ovladamo našim dualizmom? Možemo li da imamo hrabrosti da se držimo oba ubeđenja?
I work at a restaurant in town, I became really good friends with the busser. I was a server and we had a great relationship, we had a really great time together. Her Spanish was great because she was from Mexico. (Laughter) That line actually went the other way. Her English was limited, but significantly better than my Spanish. But we were united by our similarities, not separated by our differences. And we were close, even though we came from very different worlds. She was from Mexico, she left her family behind so she could come here and afford them a better life back home. She was a devout conservative Catholic, a believer in traditional family values, stereotypical roles of men and women, and I was, well, me. (Laughter)
Radim u gradskom restoranu, sprijateljila sam se sa konobaricom. Ja sam radila kao poslužiteljka i imale smo sjajan odnos, zaista smo se dobro zabavljale. Odlično je govorila španski, jer je Meksikanka. (Smeh) Rečenica je trebalo obrnuto da glasi. Loše je govorila engleski, ali znatno bolje nego ja španski. No bile smo ujedinjene našim sličnostima, a ne razdvojene našim razlikama. I bile smo bliske, uprkos tome što potičemo iz različitih svetova. Ona je iz Meksika, ostavila je tamo svoju porodicu kako bi došla ovde i obezbedila im bolji život kod kuće. Ona je pobožna konzervativna katolkinja, poštovalac tradicionalnih porodičnih vrednosti, stereotipnih uloga muškaraca i žena, a ja sam bila, pa, ja. (Smeh)
But the things that bonded us were when she asked about my girlfriend, or she shared pictures that she had from her family back home. Those were the things that brought us together. So one day, we were in the back, scarfing down food as quickly as we could, gathered around a small table, during a very rare lull, and a new guy from the kitchen came over -- who happened to be her cousin -- and sat down with all the bravado and machismo that his 20-year-old body could hold. (Laughter) And he said to her, [in Spanish] "Does Ash have a boyfriend?" And she said, [in Spanish] "No, she has a girlfriend." And he said, [in Spanish] "A girlfriend?!?" And she set down her fork, and locked eyes with him, and said, [in Spanish] "Yes, a girlfriend. That is all." And his smug smile quickly dropped to one of maternal respect, grabbed his plate, walked off, went back to work. She never made eye contact with me. She left, did the same thing -- it was a 10-second conversation, such a short interaction.
Ali ono što nas je vezivalo je kada bi upitala za moju devojku, ili bi pokazivala slike, koje je imala, svoje porodice tamo kod kuće. To nas je zbližilo. Pa smo jednog dana bile iza, trpale hranu što smo brže mogle, okupljene oko malog stola, tokom izuzetno retkog zatišja i novi momak iz kuhinje je prišao - koji je bio njen rođak - i seo je silno se razmećući muževnošću koju je njegovo 20-godišnje telo moglo da izdrži. (Smeh) I rekao joj je: [na španskom] "Ima li Eš momka?" A ona je odgovorila: [na španskom] "Ne, ima devojku." A on je rekao: [na španskom] "Devojku?!?" I ona je spustila viljušku, pogledala ga u oči i rekla: [na španskom] "Da, devojku. To je sve." I njegov je samozadovoljni osmeh brzo prešao u osmeh majčinskog poštovanja, zgrabio je svoj tanjir, odšetao, vratio se na posao. Ona me nijednom nije pogledala. Otišla je na isti način - bio je to razgovor od 10 sekundi, tako kratka interakcija.
And on paper, she had so much more in common with him: language, culture, history, family, her community was her lifeline here, but her moral compass trumped all of that. And a little bit later, they were joking around in the kitchen in Spanish, that had nothing to do with me, and that is duality. She didn't have to choose some P.C. stance on gayness over her heritage. She didn't have to choose her family over our friendship. It wasn't Jesus or Ash. (Laughter) (Applause)
A na papiru, imala je mnogo više zajedničkog sa njim: jezik, kulturu, istoriju, porodicu, njena zajednica je bila njen oslonac ovde, ali njen moralni kompas je prelazio preko svega toga. I malo kasnije, šalili su se u kuhinji na španskom, to nije imalo nikakve veze sa mnom i to je dualizam. Nije morala da izabere nekakav korektan stav o gejevima, nasuprot svom poreklu. Nije morala da izabere porodicu, naspram našeg prijateljstva. Nije bilo: Isus ili Eš. (Smeh) (Aplauz)
Her individual morality was so strongly rooted that she had the courage to hold both things. Our moral integrity is our responsibility and we must be prepared to defend it even when it's not convenient. That's what it means to be an ally, and if you're going to be an ally, you have to be an active ally: Ask questions, act when you hear something inappropriate, actually engage.
Njena lična moralnost je bila tako čvrsto ukorenjena da je imala hrabrosti da drži oba ubeđenja. Naš moralni integritet je naša odgovornost i moramo da budemo spremni da ga branimo čak i kada nije praktično. To znači biti saveznik, a ako ćete da budete saveznik, morate da budete aktivni: da postavljate pitanja, reagujete kada čujete nešto nedolično, da se zaista angažujete.
I had a family friend who for years used to call my girlfriend my lover. Really? Lover? So overly sexual, so '70s gay porn. (Laughter) But she was trying, and she asked. She could have called her my friend, or my "friend," or my "special friend" -- (Laughter) -- or even worse, just not asked at all. Believe me, we would rather have you ask. I would rather have her say lover, than say nothing at all.
Imala sam porodičnu prijateljicu koja je godinama zvala moju devojku ljubavnicom. Stvarno? Ljubavnica? Tako preterano seksualno, kao gej pornić iz '70-ih. (Smeh) Ali trudila se i pitala je. Mogla ju je zvati mojom prijateljicom ili mojom "prijateljicom" ili mojom "specijalnom prijateljicom" - (Smeh) - ili još gore, da uopšte i ne pita. Verujte mi, više volimo kada pitate. Radije bih da kaže ljubavnica nego da ništa ne kaže.
People often say to me, "Well, Ash, I don't care. I don't see race or religion or sexuality. It doesn't matter to me. I don't see it." But I think the opposite of homophobia and racism and xenophobia is not love, it's apathy. If you don't see my gayness, then you don't see me. If it doesn't matter to you who I sleep with, then you cannot imagine what it feels like when I walk down the street late at night holding her hand, and approach a group of people and have to make the decision if I should hang on to it or if I should I drop it when all I want to do is squeeze it tighter. And the small victory I feel when I make it by and don't have to let go. And the incredible cowardice and disappointment I feel when I drop it. If you do not see that struggle that is unique to my human experience because I am gay, then you don't see me. If you are going to be an ally, I need you to see me.
Ljudi mi često kažu: "Pa, Eš, nije me briga. Ne vidim ni rasu, ni religiju, ni seksualnost. Nije mi bitno. Ne vidim to." Ali mislim da suprotno homofobiji i rasizmu i ksenofobiji nije ljubav, već apatija. Ako ne vidite da sam gej, onda me ne vidite. Ako vam nije važno s kim spavam, onda ne možete ni da zamislite kako je šetati ulicom kasno noću, držeći se za ruke i prići grupi ljudi i morati doneti odluku da li da nastavim ili da pustim ruku, kada jedino želim da je jače stegnem. I osećaj male pobede koji imam kada izdržim i ne moram da ispustim drugu ruku. I neverovatan kukavičluk i razočaranje koje osetim kada je ispustim. Ako ne vidite tu borbu, koja je jedinstvena mom ljudskom iskustvu jer sam gej, onda me ne vidite. Ako ćete da budete moji saveznici, morate da me vidite.
As individuals, as allies, as humans, we need to be able to hold both things: both the good and the bad, the easy and the hard. You don't learn how to hold two things just from the fluff, you learn it from the grit. And what if duality is just the first step? What if through compassion and empathy and human interaction we are able to learn to hold two things? And if we can hold two things, we can hold four, and if we can hold four, we can hold eight, and if we can hold eight, we can hold hundreds.
Kao pojedinci, kao saveznici, kao ljudi, moramo da budemo u stanju da držimo obe stvari: i dobro i zlo i lako i teško. Ne naučite kako da držite dva ubeđenja samo na lak način, naučite to na teži način. I šta ako je dualizam samo prvi korak? Šta ako smo kroz saosećajnost, empatiju i interakciju s ljudima u stanju da naučimo kako da držimo dva ubeđenja? A ako možemo da držimo dva, možemo i četiri ubeđenja, a ako možemo držati četiri, možemo i osam, a ako možemo osam, možemo i na stotine.
We are complex individuals, swirls of contradiction. You are all holding so many things right now. What can you do to hold just a few more?
Mi smo kompleksni pojedinci, vrvimo od kontradiktornosti. Toliko toga sadržite u ovom trenutku. Šta da uradite da prihvatite još nekolike stvari?
So, back to Toledo, Ohio. I'm at the front of the line, niece on my shoulders, the frazzled clerk calls me Dad. Have you ever been mistaken for the wrong gender? Not even that. Have you ever been called something you are not? Here's what it feels like for me: I am instantly an internal storm of contrasting emotions. I break out into a sweat that is a combination of rage and humiliation, I feel like the entire store is staring at me, and I simultaneously feel invisible. I want to explode in a tirade of fury, and I want to crawl under a rock. And top all of that off with the frustration that I'm wearing an out-of-character tight-fitting purple t-shirt, so this whole store can see my boobs, to make sure this exact same thing doesn't happen. (Laughter) But, despite my best efforts to be seen as the gender I am, it still happens. And I hope with every ounce of my body that no one heard -- not my sister, not my girlfriend, and certainly not my niece. I am accustomed to this familiar hurt, but I will do whatever I need to do to protect the people I love from it.
Pa, nazad u Toledo u Ohaju. Na početku sam reda, nećaka mi je na ramenima, iznurena pomoćnica me zove ocem. Jesu li vam ikada pogrešili rod? Čak ni to. Jesu li vas nazvali onim što niste? Evo kako je meni: u meni momentalno nastaje oluja suprotnih emocija. Počinjem da se znojim, što je kombinacija besa i poniženja, osećam da me svi u prodavnici gledaju, a istovremeno se osećem nevidljivo. Želim da eksplodiram u tiradi srdžbe i želim da otpuzim pod kamen. I svemu tome dodajte isfrustriranost jer nosim nemuževnu, usku, ljubičastu majicu, pa svi u prodavnici mogu da mi vide grudi, a nosim je kako se ovakve stvari ne bi dešavale. (Smeh) Ali uprkos mom silnom trudu da pokažem svoj pravi rod, ovo se i dalje dešava. I nadam se svakim delićem svoga tela da niko nije čuo - ni moja sestra, ni moja devojka, i ni u kom slučaju moja nećaka. Navikla sam se na ovu poznatu uvredu, ali ću da uradim šta god je potrebno da zaštitim ljude koje volim od toga.
But then I take my niece off my shoulders, and she runs to Elsa and Anna -- the thing she's been waiting so long for -- and all that stuff goes away. All that matters is the smile on her face. And as the 30 seconds we waited two and a half hours for comes to a close we gather up our things, and I lock eyes with the clerk again; and she gives me an apologetic smile and mouths, "I am so sorry!" (Laughter) And her humanity, her willingness to admit her mistake disarms me immediately, then I give her a: "It's okay, it happens. But thanks."
Ali onda spuštam nećaku s ramena i ona trči do Elze i Ane - zbog čega je toliko i čekala - i sve to nestaje. Samo je bitan osmeh na njenom licu. I kako se bliži kraj tih 30 sekundi koje smo čekali dva i po sata, sakupljamo naše stvari i ja ponovo srećem pomoćnicin pogled; a ona mi upućuje osmeh izvinjenja i šapuće: "Tako mi je žao!" (Smeh) Njena čovečnost, njena spremnost da prizna svoju grešku momentalno me razoružavaju. Ja joj na to odmahujem: "U redu je, dešava se. Ali hvala."
And I realize in that moment that I don't have to be either an aunt or an advocate, I can be both. I can live in duality, and I can hold two things. And if I can hold two things in that environment, I can hold so many more things. As my girlfriend and my niece hold hands and skip out the front of the door, I turn to my sister and say, "Was it worth it?" And she said, "Are you kidding me? Did you see the look on her face? This was the greatest day of her life!" (Laughter) "It was worth the two and a half hours in the heat, it was worth the overpriced coloring book that we already had a copy of." (Laughter) "It was even worth you getting called Dad." (Laughter) And for the first time ever in my life, it actually was.
I tog momenta shvatam da ne moram da budem ili tetka ili glasnogovornica, mogu da budem oboje. Mogu da živim s dualizmom i mogu da imam dva ubeđenja. A ako mogu da imam dva ubeđenja u tom okruženju, mogu da imam još mnogo ubeđenja. Kako moja devojka i nećaka, držeći se za ruke, izlaze kroz vrata, okrećem se sestri i pitam: "Je li vredelo?" A ona kaže: "Šališ li se? Jesi li joj videla izraz lica? Ovo je bio najbolji dan u njenom životu!" (Smeh) "Vredelo je dva i po sata na žezi, vredelo je preskupe bojanke, čiju smo kopiju već imali." (Smeh) "Vredelo je čak i toga što su te nazvali ocem." (Smeh) I prvi put u mom životu, zaista jeste.
Thank you, Boulder. Have a good night.
Hvala, Bolderu. Imajte ugodno veče.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)