This summer I was back in Ohio for a family wedding, and when I was there, there was a meet and greet with Anna and Elsa from "Frozen." Not the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen," as this was not a Disney-sanctioned event. These two entrepreneurs had a business of running princess parties. Your kid is turning five? They'll come sing some songs, sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great. And they were not about to miss out on the opportunity that was the phenomenon and that was "Frozen."
Ove godine sam navratila u Ohio zbog vjenčanja u obitelji i dok sam bila tamo, upoznala sam Annu i Elsu iz "Snježnog kraljevstva". Ne baš Annu i Elsu iz "Snježnog kraljevstva" jer ovaj događaj nije financirao Disney. Dvije poduzetnice su imale posao održavanja tuluma za princeze. Vaša klinka navršava 5? Otpjevat će par pjesama, posuti malo vilinskog praha, odlično je. I nisu mogle propustiti priliku i fenomen poput "Snježnog kraljevstva".
So they get hired by a local toy store, kids come in on a Saturday morning, buy some Disney swag, get their picture taken with the princesses, call it a day. It's like Santa Claus without the seasonal restrictions. (Laughter)
Unajmila ih je lokalna trgovina s igračkama, klinci dolaze u subotu ujutro, pokupuju Disney stvari, slikaju se s princezama, i to je to. Kao Djed Mraz, bez sezonskih ograničenja. (Smijeh)
And my three-and-a-half-year-old niece Samantha was in the thick of it. She could care less that these two women were signing posters and coloring books as Snow Queen and Princess Ana with one N to avoid copyright lawsuits. (Laughter) According to my niece and the 200-plus kids in the parking lot that day, this was the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."
Moja tro i pol godišnja nećakinja je bila luda za time. Nije ju bilo briga što te dvije žene potpisuju postere i bojanke kao Snježna kraljica i princeza Ana s jednim N da izbjegnu tužbu. (Smijeh) Za moju nećakinju i više od 200 klinaca na parkingu tog dana, to su bile Anna i Elsa iz "Snježnog kraljevstva".
It is a blazing hot Saturday morning in August in Ohio. We get there at 10 o'clock, the scheduled start time, and we are handed number 59. By 11 o'clock they had called numbers 21 through 25; this was going to be a while, and there is no amount of free face painting or temporary tattoos that could prevent the meltdowns that were occurring outside of the store. (Laughter)
Opako je vruće subotnje kolovoško jutro u Ohiju. Došli smo tamo u 10, prema rasporedu početka, i dobili smo broj 59. Do 11 sati, prozvali su brojeve od 21 do 25; ovo će potrajati, a ne postoji količina besplatnih boja za lice ili privremenih tetovaža koja bi spriječila topljenje koje se događalo ispred trgovine. (Smijeh)
So, by 12:30 we get called: "56 to 63, please." And as we walk in, it is a scene I can only describe you as saying it looked like Norway threw up. (Laughter) There were cardboard cut-out snowflakes covering the floor, glitter on every flat surface, and icicles all over the walls.
Do 12:30 smo i mi pozvani u red: "56 do 63, molim." I kako smo ušli, vidjeli smo scenu koju vam jedino mogu opisati tako da vam kažem da je izgledalo kao da je Norveška povratila. (Smijeh) Kartonske pahuljice su pokrivale pod, šljokice na svakoj ravnoj površini i sige po zidovima.
And as we stood in line in an attempt to give my niece a better vantage point than the backside of the mother of number 58, I put her up on my shoulders, and she was instantly riveted by the sight of the princesses. And as we moved forward, her excitement only grew, and as we finally got to the front of the line, and number 58 unfurled her poster to be signed by the princesses, I could literally feel the excitement running through her body. And let's be honest, at that point, I was pretty excited too. (Laughter) I mean, the Scandinavian decadence was mesmerizing. (Laughter)
I kako smo stajali u redu, u pokušaju da mojoj nećakinji dam bolji pogled od stražnjice majke broj 58, stavila sam ju na svoja ramena, i bila je instantno oduševljena pogledom na princeze. Kako smo se pomicali prema naprijed, njeno uzbuđenje je samo raslo, i kada smo napokon došli do početka reda, a broj 58 je raširila svoj plakat princezama na potpis, mogla sam doslovno osjetiti uzbuđenje u njenom tijelu. I budimo iskreni, u tom trenutku, i ja sam bila već poprilično uzbuđena. (Smijeh) Skandinavska dekadencija je bila očaravajuća. (Smijeh)
So we get to the front of the line, and the haggard clerk turns to my niece and says, "Hi, honey. You're next! Do you want to get down, or you're going to stay on your dad's shoulders for the picture?' (Laughter) And I was, for a lack of a better word, frozen. (Laughter)
Dakle dođemo na početak reda i izmorena se prodavačica okrene prema mojoj nećakinji i kaže: "Hej, dušo. Ti si sljedeća! Želiš li sići ili ćeš ostati na tatinim ramenima za sliku?" (Smijeh) Bila sam, u nedostatku bolje riječi, zaleđena. (Smijeh)
It's amazing that in an unexpected instant we are faced with the question, who am I? Am I an aunt? Or am I an advocate? Millions of people have seen my video about how to have a hard conversation, and there one was, right in front of me. At the same time, there's nothing more important to me than the kids in my life, so I found myself in a situation that we so often find ourselves in, torn between two things, two impossible choices. Would I be an advocate? Would I take my niece off my shoulders and turn to the clerk and explain to her that I was in fact her aunt, not her father, and that she should be more careful and not to jump to gender conclusions based on haircuts and shoulder rides -- (Laughter) -- and while doing that, miss out on what was, to this point, the greatest moment of my niece's life. Or would I be an aunt? Would I brush off that comment, take a million pictures, and not be distracted for an instant from the pure joy of that moment, and by doing that, walk out with the shame that comes up for not standing up for myself, especially in front of my niece.
Zadivljujuće je to što smo u neočekivanoj sekundi došli do pitanja tko sam ja? Jesam li teta? Ili sam odvjetnik? Milijuni su ljudi vidjeli moj video o teškim razgovorima, a ispred mene je stajao upravo jedan takav. U isto vrijeme, ništa mi nije važnije nego djeca u mom životu, stoga sam se našla u situaciji u kojoj se tako često nalazimo, rastrgani između dvije stvari, dva nemoguća izbora. Hoću li biti odvjetnik? Hoću li skinuti nećakinju s ramena i okrenuti se prodavačici da joj objasnim da sam joj, ustvari, teta, a ne otac, i da bi morala biti pažljivija a ne skakati na zaključke o rodu na temelju frizure i ramena -- (Smijeh) -- i dok to radim, propustim ono što je, do ovog trenutka, najveći trenutak života moje nećakinje. Ili ću biti teta? Hoću li zaboraviti na taj komentar, slikati milijun fotografija, i da mi ništa ni na sekundu ne odvuče pažnju s čiste radosti tog trenutka, i čineći to, izaći sa sramotom koja dolazi kada se ne postavite za sebe, pogotovo ispred moje nećakinje.
Who was I? Which one was more important? Which role was more worth it? Was I an aunt? Or was I an advocate? And I had a split second to decide.
Tko sam ja? Što je bilo važnije? Koja je uloga bila važnija? Jesam li bila teta ili odvjetnik? Imala sam dijelić sekunde da odlučim.
We are taught right now that we are living in a world of constant and increasing polarity. It's so black and white, so us and them, so right and wrong. There is no middle, there is no gray, just polarity. Polarity is a state in which two ideas or opinions are completely opposite from each other; a diametrical opposition. Which side are you on? Are you unequivocally and without question antiwar, pro-choice, anti-death penalty, pro-gun regulation, proponent of open borders and pro-union? Or, are you absolutely and uncompromisingly pro-war, pro-life, pro-death penalty, a believer that the Second Amendment is absolute, anti-immigrant and pro-business? It's all or none, you're with us or against us. That is polarity.
Učeni smo trenutačno da živimo u svijetu konstantne i povećavajuće polarnosti. Toliko je crno i bijelo, toliko mi i oni, toliko ispravno i pogrešno. Ne postoji sredina, ne postoji siva zona, samo polarnost. Polarnost je stanje u kojemu su dvije ideje ili mišljenja u potpunoj međusobnoj suprotnosti; dijametralno suprotni. Na čijoj si strani? Jeste li bespogovorno protiv rata, za izbor, protiv smrtne kazne, za regulaciju oružja, za otvorene granice i za uniju? Ili ste potpuno i beskompromisno za rat, za život, za smrtnu kaznu, vjerujete da je drugi amandman apsolutan, protiv imigranata i za posao? Ovo je sve ili ništa, ili si s nama ili si protiv nas. To je polarnost.
The problem with polarity and absolutes is that it eliminates the individuality of our human experience and that makes it contradictory to our human nature. But if we are pulled in these two directions, but it's not really where we exist -- polarity is not our actual reality -- where do we go from there? What's at the other end of that spectrum?
Problem s polarnošću je taj što eliminira individualnost našeg ljudskog iskustva i to ga čini kontradiktornim ljudskoj prirodi. No ako smo povučeni u ova dva smjera, to nije ono gdje zapravo postojimo -- polarnost nije naša stvarnost -- gdje polazimo otamo? Što je na drugom kraju tog spektra?
I don't think it's an unattainable, harmonious utopia, I think the opposite of polarity is duality. Duality is a state of having two parts, but not in diametrical opposition, in simultaneous existence. Don't think it's possible? Here are the people I know: I know Catholics who are pro-choice, and feminists who wear hijabs, and veterans who are antiwar, and NRA members who think I should be able to get married. Those are the people I know, those are my friends and family, that is the majority of our society, that is you, that is me. (Applause) Duality is the ability to hold both things. But the question is: Can we own our duality? Can we have the courage to hold both things?
Ne mislim da je to nedostižna harmonijska utopija, mislim da je suprotno polarnosti dualnost. Dualnost je stanje u kojemu imate dva dijela, no ne dijametralno suprotna, već u istodobnoj koegzistenciji. Mislite da nije moguće? Ovo su ljudi koje znam: Znam katolike koji su za izbor, feministkinje koje nose hidžab, veterane koji su protiv rata, ljubitelje oružja koji misle da bih se trebala moći oženiti. Te ljude znam, to su mi prijatelji i obitelj, to je većina našeg društva, to ste vi, to sam ja. (Pljesak) Dualnost je sposobnost držanja dvije stvari. No, pitanje je, možemo li posjedovati svoju dualnost? Možemo li imati hrabrosti držati obje stvari?
I work at a restaurant in town, I became really good friends with the busser. I was a server and we had a great relationship, we had a really great time together. Her Spanish was great because she was from Mexico. (Laughter) That line actually went the other way. Her English was limited, but significantly better than my Spanish. But we were united by our similarities, not separated by our differences. And we were close, even though we came from very different worlds. She was from Mexico, she left her family behind so she could come here and afford them a better life back home. She was a devout conservative Catholic, a believer in traditional family values, stereotypical roles of men and women, and I was, well, me. (Laughter)
Radim u restoranu u gradu i postala sam dobar prijatelj s kolegicom. Bila sam poslužitelj i imale smo odličnu vezu, bilo nam je odlično zajedno. Njen španjolski je bio odličan jer je bila iz Meksika. (Smijeh) Ta rečenica je trebala ići suprotno. Njen engleski je bio ograničen, no značajno bolji od mog španjolskog. No ujedinile smo se svojim sličnostima, a ne odvojile zbog razlika. Bile smo bliske iako smo bile iz drugačijih svjetova. Ona je bila iz Meksika, ostavila je obitelj kako bi ona mogla doći ovdje i priuštiti im tamo bolji život. Bila je pobožna konzervativna katolkinja, vjerovala je u tradicionalne obiteljske vrijednosti, stereotipne uloge muškarca i žene, a ja sam bila, pa, ja. (Smijeh)
But the things that bonded us were when she asked about my girlfriend, or she shared pictures that she had from her family back home. Those were the things that brought us together. So one day, we were in the back, scarfing down food as quickly as we could, gathered around a small table, during a very rare lull, and a new guy from the kitchen came over -- who happened to be her cousin -- and sat down with all the bravado and machismo that his 20-year-old body could hold. (Laughter) And he said to her, [in Spanish] "Does Ash have a boyfriend?" And she said, [in Spanish] "No, she has a girlfriend." And he said, [in Spanish] "A girlfriend?!?" And she set down her fork, and locked eyes with him, and said, [in Spanish] "Yes, a girlfriend. That is all." And his smug smile quickly dropped to one of maternal respect, grabbed his plate, walked off, went back to work. She never made eye contact with me. She left, did the same thing -- it was a 10-second conversation, such a short interaction.
No ono što nas je zbližilo je bilo kada je pitala za moju djevojku ili dijelila slike svoje obitelji. To su bile stvari koje su nas zbližile. Jednog dana, bile smo otraga, ribajući hranu koliko smo brzo mogle, okupljene oko malog stola, tjekom vrlo rijetkog zatišja, i novi dećko u kuhinji je prišao -- bio je njen rođak -- i sjeo s nama sa svim bravadom i mačizmom koje je njegovo 20-godišnje tijelo moglo držati. (Smijeh) Rekao joj je: [španjolski] "Ima li Ash dečka?" Uzvratila mu je: [španjolski] "Ne, ima djevojku." A on je rekao: [španjolski] "Djevojku?!?" Odložila je svoju vilicu, prodorno ga pogledala i rekla: [španjolski] "Da, djevojku. To bi bilo sve." Njegov štemerski osmijeh je zamijenjen onim poštovanjem prema majci, uzeo je svoj tanjur, odšetao i vratio se na posao. Nije me niti pogledala. Otišla je, napravila istu stvar -- bio je to razgovor od 10 sekundi, vrlo kratka interakcija.
And on paper, she had so much more in common with him: language, culture, history, family, her community was her lifeline here, but her moral compass trumped all of that. And a little bit later, they were joking around in the kitchen in Spanish, that had nothing to do with me, and that is duality. She didn't have to choose some P.C. stance on gayness over her heritage. She didn't have to choose her family over our friendship. It wasn't Jesus or Ash. (Laughter) (Applause)
Na papiru je imala mnogo više toga zajedničkog s njim: jezik, kulturu, povijest, obitelj, njena zajednica je bila njen život ovdje, no njen moralni kompas je odbacio sve to. Malo kasnije su se zezali u kuhinji na španjolskom, o nečemu što nije imalo veze sa mnom, i to je dualnost. Nije morala izabrati neko stajalište o homoseksualnosti umjesto svog naslijeđa. Nije morala izabrati svoju obitelj umjesto našeg prijateljstva. Nije bilo ili Isus ili Ash. (Smijeh) (Pljesak)
Her individual morality was so strongly rooted that she had the courage to hold both things. Our moral integrity is our responsibility and we must be prepared to defend it even when it's not convenient. That's what it means to be an ally, and if you're going to be an ally, you have to be an active ally: Ask questions, act when you hear something inappropriate, actually engage.
Njena individualna moralnost je bila toliko duboko ukorijenjena da je imala hrabrosti držati obje stvari. Naš moralni integritet je naša odgovornost i moramo ga biti spremni braniti čak i kada nije prikladno. To znači biti saveznik, i ako ćete biti saveznik, morate biti aktivan saveznik: Ispitujte, reagirajte kada čujete nešto neprimjereno, zapravo pristupite.
I had a family friend who for years used to call my girlfriend my lover. Really? Lover? So overly sexual, so '70s gay porn. (Laughter) But she was trying, and she asked. She could have called her my friend, or my "friend," or my "special friend" -- (Laughter) -- or even worse, just not asked at all. Believe me, we would rather have you ask. I would rather have her say lover, than say nothing at all.
Imala sam godinama obiteljsku prijateljicu koja je moju curu zvala mojom ljubavnicom. Ozbiljno? Ljubavnica? Toliko previše seksualno, toliko gay pornići iz '70-ih. (Smijeh) No trudila se, pa je pitala. Mogla ju je zvati mojom prijateljicom, ili mojom "prijateljicom" ili mojom "posebnom prijateljicom" -- (Smijeh) -- ili još gore, mogla je ne pitati uopće. Vjerujte mi, draže nam je da pitate. Radije bih da ju zove ljubavnicom, nego da ne kaže ništa.
People often say to me, "Well, Ash, I don't care. I don't see race or religion or sexuality. It doesn't matter to me. I don't see it." But I think the opposite of homophobia and racism and xenophobia is not love, it's apathy. If you don't see my gayness, then you don't see me. If it doesn't matter to you who I sleep with, then you cannot imagine what it feels like when I walk down the street late at night holding her hand, and approach a group of people and have to make the decision if I should hang on to it or if I should I drop it when all I want to do is squeeze it tighter. And the small victory I feel when I make it by and don't have to let go. And the incredible cowardice and disappointment I feel when I drop it. If you do not see that struggle that is unique to my human experience because I am gay, then you don't see me. If you are going to be an ally, I need you to see me.
Ljudi mi često govore, "Pa, Ash, mene nije briga. Ne vidim rase, religije ili seksualnost. Nije mi važno, ne vidim to." No, mislim da suprotnost homofobiji, rasizmu i ksenofobiji nije ljubav, nego apatija. Ako ne vidite moju homoseksualnost, onda ne vidite mene. Ako vam nije važno s kime spavam, onda ne možete zamisliti koji je osjećaj kada hodam ulicom kasno noću držeći njenu ruku, pristupiti grupi ljudi i morati odlučiti da li da ju zadržim ili ispustim kada sve što želim je stisnuti je čvršće. I malu pobjedu koju osjećam kada prođem i ne moram joj pustiti ruku. I neopisiv kukavičluk i razočarenje koje osjećam kada ju pustim. Ako ne vidite tu borbu koja je jednistvena mojem ljudskom iskustvu jer sam gay, tada ne vidite mene. Ako ćete biti saveznik, trebate me vidjeti.
As individuals, as allies, as humans, we need to be able to hold both things: both the good and the bad, the easy and the hard. You don't learn how to hold two things just from the fluff, you learn it from the grit. And what if duality is just the first step? What if through compassion and empathy and human interaction we are able to learn to hold two things? And if we can hold two things, we can hold four, and if we can hold four, we can hold eight, and if we can hold eight, we can hold hundreds.
Kao individualci, kao saveznici, kao ljudi, moramo moći držati obje stvari: i dobro i zlo, i lako i teško. Nije lako naučiti kako držati dvije drugačije stvari, naprotiv, teško je. I što ako je dualnost samo prvi korak? Što ako smo kroz empatiju, suosjećanje i ljudsku interakciju u mogućnosti naučiti držati dvije stvari? Ako možemo držati dvije stvari, možemo držati 4, ako možemo 4, možemo i 8, ako možemo 8, možemo na stotine.
We are complex individuals, swirls of contradiction. You are all holding so many things right now. What can you do to hold just a few more?
Kompleksni smo individualci, vrtlozi kontradikcije. Svi trenutačno držite toliko stvari. Što možete napraviti da primite samo nekoliko njih više?
So, back to Toledo, Ohio. I'm at the front of the line, niece on my shoulders, the frazzled clerk calls me Dad. Have you ever been mistaken for the wrong gender? Not even that. Have you ever been called something you are not? Here's what it feels like for me: I am instantly an internal storm of contrasting emotions. I break out into a sweat that is a combination of rage and humiliation, I feel like the entire store is staring at me, and I simultaneously feel invisible. I want to explode in a tirade of fury, and I want to crawl under a rock. And top all of that off with the frustration that I'm wearing an out-of-character tight-fitting purple t-shirt, so this whole store can see my boobs, to make sure this exact same thing doesn't happen. (Laughter) But, despite my best efforts to be seen as the gender I am, it still happens. And I hope with every ounce of my body that no one heard -- not my sister, not my girlfriend, and certainly not my niece. I am accustomed to this familiar hurt, but I will do whatever I need to do to protect the people I love from it.
Dakle, natrag na Toledo, Ohio. Na početku sam reda, nećakinja na mojim ramenima, iscrpljena radnica me nazove tatom. Jesu li vama ikada pogriješili spol? Čak ni to. Jesu li vas ikada nazvali nečime što niste? Ovako je to za mene: U trenutku postajem unutarnja oluja kontrastnih osjećaja. probije mi znoj koji je kombinacija bijesa i poniženja, osjećam se kao da cijela trgovina gleda u mene, i istovremeno se osjećam nevidljivom. Želim eksplodirati u tiradu bijesa, i želim se podvući pod kamen. Na vrhu svega toga se nalazi frustracija jer nosim usku, ljubičastu, vankarakternu majicu, tako da mi cijeli dućan vidi sise, kako bih osigurala da se baš ta stvar ne dogodi. (Smijeh) No, unatoč mojim najboljim naporima da budem viđena u spolu koji jesam, i dalje se događa. I nadam se svakim gramom svoga tijela da nitko nije čuo -- ni moja sestra, ni moja djevojka, i definitivno ne moja nećakinja. Naviknuta sam na ovu poznatu bol, no napravit ću što trebam da od nje zaštitim ljude koje volim.
But then I take my niece off my shoulders, and she runs to Elsa and Anna -- the thing she's been waiting so long for -- and all that stuff goes away. All that matters is the smile on her face. And as the 30 seconds we waited two and a half hours for comes to a close we gather up our things, and I lock eyes with the clerk again; and she gives me an apologetic smile and mouths, "I am so sorry!" (Laughter) And her humanity, her willingness to admit her mistake disarms me immediately, then I give her a: "It's okay, it happens. But thanks."
No tada skidam nećakinju s ramena, i ona otrči Elsi i Anni -- ono na što je toliko čekala -- i sve to nestane. Sve što je važno je osmijeh na njenom licu. I kako 30 sekundi, na kojih smo čekali dva i pol sata, dolazi kraju, skupljamo stvari i ponovno susretnem pogled prodavačice; daje mi osmijeh isprike i oblikuje ustima: "Tako mi je žao!" (Smijeh) Njena humanost, njena volja da prizna svoju pogrešku me razoružava trenutno, i tada joj kažem: "U redu je, događa se. Ali hvala."
And I realize in that moment that I don't have to be either an aunt or an advocate, I can be both. I can live in duality, and I can hold two things. And if I can hold two things in that environment, I can hold so many more things. As my girlfriend and my niece hold hands and skip out the front of the door, I turn to my sister and say, "Was it worth it?" And she said, "Are you kidding me? Did you see the look on her face? This was the greatest day of her life!" (Laughter) "It was worth the two and a half hours in the heat, it was worth the overpriced coloring book that we already had a copy of." (Laughter) "It was even worth you getting called Dad." (Laughter) And for the first time ever in my life, it actually was.
I shvatim u tom trenutku da ne moram biti ili teta ili odvjetnik, mogu biti oboje. Mogu živjeti u dualnosti, mogu držati dvije stvari. I ako u tom okruženju mogu držati dvije stvari, mogu držati toliko mnogo više stvari. Dok moja djevojka i moja nećakinja izlaze iz trgovine držeći se za ruke, okrenem se svojoj sestri i upitam: "Je li vrijedilo?" A ona mi vrati: "Zezaš me? Jesi li joj vidjela izraz lica? Ovo joj je bio najbolji dan u njenom životu!" (Smijeh) "Bilo je vrijedno dva i pol sata na vrućini, bilo je vrijedno precijenjene bojanke koju i tako već imamo." (Smijeh) "Čak je bilo vrijedno i to da su te nazvali tatom." (Smijeh) I po prvi put u mom životu, zapravo i je bilo.
Thank you, Boulder. Have a good night.
Hvala vam, Boulder. Ugodna vam noć.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)