I'm going to talk to you tonight about coming out of the closet, and not in the traditional sense, not just the gay closet. I think we all have closets. Your closet may be telling someone you love her for the first time, or telling someone that you're pregnant, or telling someone you have cancer, or any of the other hard conversations we have throughout our lives. All a closet is is a hard conversation, and although our topics may vary tremendously, the experience of being in and coming out of the closet is universal. It is scary, and we hate it, and it needs to be done.
Večeras ću vam pričati o izlaženju iz ormara, ali ne u tradicionalnom smislu, samo o gay ormaru. Mislim da svi imamo ormare. Tvoj ormar je možda reći nekome da ju voliš po prvi put, ili reći nekome da si trudna, ili reći nekome da imaš rak, ili bilo što drugo od teških razgovora koje vodimo kroz naše živote. Sve što ormar jest je težak razgovor, i unatoč tome što naše teme strahovito variraju, iskustvo toga da budeš u ormaru i izađeš iz njega univerzalno je. Strahovito je, mrzimo ga, i trebamo ga učiniti.
Several years ago, I was working at the South Side Walnut Cafe, a local diner in town, and during my time there I would go through phases of militant lesbian intensity: not shaving my armpits, quoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel. And depending on the bagginess of my cargo shorts and how recently I had shaved my head, the question would often be sprung on me, usually by a little kid:
Prije par godina, radila sam u South Side Walnut Cafeu, lokalnom restoranu u gradu, i tokom mog rada tamo prolazila sam kroz faze militantnog lezbijskog intenziteta: nisam brijala pazuhe, citiranje tekstova Ani DiFranco kao gospela. I ovisno o tome koliko su mi kratke hlače bile vrećaste i koliko sam nedavno obrijala glavu, postavljalo mi se pitanje, obično od malog djeteta:
"Um, are you a boy or are you a girl?"
"Umm... jesi li ti dečko ili cura?"
And there would be an awkward silence at the table. I'd clench my jaw a little tighter, hold my coffee pot with a little more vengeance. The dad would awkwardly shuffle his newspaper and the mom would shoot a chilling stare at her kid. But I would say nothing, and I would seethe inside. And it got to the point where every time I walked up to a table that had a kid anywhere between three and 10 years old, I was ready to fight. (Laughter) And that is a terrible feeling. So I promised myself, the next time, I would say something. I would have that hard conversation.
I nastala bi neugodna tišina za stolom. Stisnula bih malo jače čeljust, držala bih lončić kave s malo više bijesa. Tata bi neugodno listao svoje novine a mama bi uperila hladan pogled na dijete. Ali ja ne bih rekla ništa, i kipjela bih iznutra. I došla sam do toga da svaki put kad bih došetala do stola koji ima dijete između tri i deset godina, bila sam spremna svađati se. (Smijeh) I to je grozan osjećaj. Pa sam si obećala, idući put, reći ću nešto. Obavit ću taj teški razgovor.
So within a matter of weeks, it happens again.
I tako unutar par tjedana, ponovilo se.
"Are you a boy or are you a girl?"
"Jesi li ti dečko ili cura?"
Familiar silence, but this time I'm ready, and I am about to go all Women's Studies 101 on this table. (Laughter) I've got my Betty Friedan quotes. I've got my Gloria Steinem quotes. I've even got this little bit from "Vagina Monologues" I'm going to do. So I take a deep breath and I look down and staring back at me is a four-year-old girl in a pink dress, not a challenge to a feminist duel, just a kid with a question: "Are you a boy or are you a girl?"
Poznata tišina, ali ovaj put sam spremna, i proći ću kroz Ženske studije 101 s ovim stolom. (Smijeh) Imam svoje citate Betty Friedan, imam svoje citate Glorie Steinem. Čak imam nešto iz "Vagininih monologa" što ću citirati. I tako duboko udahnem i pogledam dolje i u mene bulji četverogodišnja djevojčica u ružičastoj haljini, nije izazov na feministički dvoboj, samo dijete s pitanjem: "Jesi li ti dečko ili cura?"
So I take another deep breath, squat down to next to her, and say, "Hey, I know it's kind of confusing. My hair is short like a boy's, and I wear boy's clothes, but I'm a girl, and you know how sometimes you like to wear a pink dress, and sometimes you like to wear your comfy jammies? Well, I'm more of a comfy jammies kind of girl."
I tako još jednom duboko udahnem, čučnem do nje, i kažem, "Hej, znam da je malo zbunjujuće. Imam kratku kosu kao dečko, i nosim mušku odjeću, ali ja sam cura, i znaš kad ponekad voliš nositi svoju ružičastu haljinu, a ponekad voliš nositi svoju udobnu pidžamu? Pa, ja sam više tip cure za udobne pidžame."
And this kid looks me dead in the eye, without missing a beat, and says, "My favorite pajamas are purple with fish. Can I get a pancake, please?" (Laughter) And that was it. Just, "Oh, okay. You're a girl. How about that pancake?"
I ovo dijete me pogleda ravno u oči, bez treptaja, i kaže, "Moja najdraža pidžama je ljubičasta s ribom. Mogu li dobiti palačinku, molim?" (Smijeh) I to je bilo to. Samo, "Oh, dobro. Ti si cura. Može ta palačinka?"
It was the easiest hard conversation I have ever had. And why? Because Pancake Girl and I, we were both real with each other.
Bio je to najlakši teški razgovor koji sam ikad imala. A zašto? Zato što smo Palačinka Djevojčica i ja, bile iskrene jedna prema drugoj.
So like many of us, I've lived in a few closets in my life, and yeah, most often, my walls happened to be rainbow. But inside, in the dark, you can't tell what color the walls are. You just know what it feels like to live in a closet. So really, my closet is no different than yours or yours or yours. Sure, I'll give you 100 reasons why coming out of my closet was harder than coming out of yours, but here's the thing: Hard is not relative. Hard is hard. Who can tell me that explaining to someone you've just declared bankruptcy is harder than telling someone you just cheated on them? Who can tell me that his coming out story is harder than telling your five-year-old you're getting a divorce? There is no harder, there is just hard. We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else's hard to make us feel better or worse about our closets and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard. At some point in our lives, we all live in closets, and they may feel safe, or at least safer than what lies on the other side of that door. But I am here to tell you, no matter what your walls are made of, a closet is no place for a person to live.
Kao i mnogi od nas, živjela sam u par ormara u svom životu, i da, najčešće, moji zidovi ispadnu šareni. Ali unutra, u mraku, ne znaš koje su boje zidovi. Samo znaš kako je to živjeti u ormaru. I zapravo, moj ormar nije ništa drugačiji od tvog ili tvog ili tvog. Dakako, dat ću vam 100 razloga zašto je moje izlaženje iz ormara teže od vašeg, ali evo jedne stvarI: Teško nije relativno. Teško je teško. Tko mi može reći da je objasniti nekom da ti se dogodio bankrot teže nego reći nekom da si ga prevario? Tko mi može reći da je njegova priča izlaženja teža nego reći svom petogodišnjem djetetu da se rastajete? Ne postoji teže, postoji samo teško. Trebamo prestati vrednovati naše teško nasuprot tuđih da se osjećamo bolje ili gore oko svojih ormara i samo se pomiriti s činjenicom da svi imamo teško. U nekom trenutku života, svi živimo u ormaru, i možda se čine sigurnima, ili bar sigurnijima od onog što leži s druge strane tih vrata. Ali ja sam ovdje da vam kažem, bez obzira od čega su vaši zidovi napravljeni, ormar nije mjesto za život.
Thanks. (Applause)
Hvala. (Pljesak)
So imagine yourself 20 years ago. Me, I had a ponytail, a strapless dress, and high-heeled shoes. I was not the militant lesbian ready to fight any four-year-old that walked into the cafe. I was frozen by fear, curled up in the corner of my pitch-black closet clutching my gay grenade, and moving one muscle is the scariest thing I have ever done. My family, my friends, complete strangers -- I had spent my entire life trying to not disappoint these people, and now I was turning the world upside down on purpose. I was burning the pages of the script we had all followed for so long, but if you do not throw that grenade, it will kill you.
Zamislite se prije 20 godina. Ja, ja sam imala konjski repić, haljinu bez bretela, i cipele s visokom potpeticom. Nisam bila militantna lezbijka spremna na svađu sa svakim četverogodišnjakom koji je naišao u gostionicu. Bila sam smrznuta od straha, stisnuta u kutu svog ormara crnog kao ugljen stiščući svoju gay granatu, i pokretanje jednog mišića bila je najstrašnija stvar koju sam ikad napravila. Moja obitelj, moji prijatelji, potpuni stranci - potratila sam čitavi život pokušavajući ne razočarati te ljude, a zatim sam okretala čitavi svijet naglavačke namjerno. Palila sam stranice propisa koji sam tako dugo slijedila, no ako ne bacite tu granatu, ubit će vas.
One of my most memorable grenade tosses was at my sister's wedding. (Laughter) It was the first time that many in attendance knew I was gay, so in doing my maid of honor duties, in my black dress and heels, I walked around to tables and finally landed on a table of my parents' friends, folks that had known me for years. And after a little small talk, one of the women shouted out, "I love Nathan Lane!" And the battle of gay relatability had begun.
Jedno od najviše pamtljivih bacanja grenate bilo je na sestrinom vjenčanju. (Smijeh) Bilo je to prvi put da su mnogi prisutni saznali da sam gay, i tako radeći kumine dužnosti, u svojoj crnoj haljini i potpeticama, hodala sam okolo do stolova i konačno sletjela na stol roditeljevih prijatelja, ljudi koji su me znali godinama. I nakon malo ćaskanja, jedna od žena je viknula, "Volim Nathana Lanea!" I započela je bitka gay referiranja.
"Ash, have you ever been to the Castro?"
"Ash, jesi li ikad bila u Castru?"
"Well, yeah, actually, we have friends in San Francisco."
"Pa da, zapravo, imamo prijatelje u San Franciscu."
"Well, we've never been there but we've heard it's fabulous."
"Mi nikad nismo bili tamo ali čuli smo da je nevjerojatno."
"Ash, do you know my hairdresser Antonio? He's really good and he has never talked about a girlfriend."
"Ash, znaš li mog frizera Antonia? Zaista je dobar i nije nikad pričao o djevojci."
"Ash, what's your favorite TV show? Our favorite TV show? Favorite: Will & Grace. And you know who we love? Jack. Jack is our favorite."
"Ash, koja ti je najdraža TV emisija? Naša najdraža TV emisija? Najdraža: Will i Grace. I znaš koga volim? Jacka. Jack nam je najdraži."
And then one woman, stumped but wanting so desperately to show her support, to let me know she was on my side, she finally blurted out, "Well, sometimes my husband wears pink shirts." (Laughter)
Zatim je jedna žena, zastala očajnički želeći pokazati podršku, dati mi do znanja da je na mojoj strani, i napokon je izvalila, "Pa, ponekad moj muž nosi ružičaste majice." (Smijeh)
And I had a choice in that moment, as all grenade throwers do. I could go back to my girlfriend and my gay-loving table and mock their responses, chastise their unworldliness and their inability to jump through the politically correct gay hoops I had brought with me, or I could empathize with them and realize that that was maybe one of the hardest things they had ever done, that starting and having that conversation was them coming out of their closets. Sure, it would have been easy to point out where they felt short. It's a lot harder to meet them where they are and acknowledge the fact that they were trying. And what else can you ask someone to do but try? If you're going to be real with someone, you gotta be ready for real in return.
I imala sam izbor u tom trenutku, kao što i svi bacači granata imaju. Mogla sam se vratiti svojoj djevojci i svom stolu gay ljubitelja i rugati se njihovim odgovorima, izgrditi njihovu nerječitost i nesposobnost preskočiti politički ispravne gay obruče koje sam donijela sa sobom, ili sam mogla suosjećati s njima i shvatiti da je to možda bila jedna od najtežih stvari koju su ikad učinili, to započinjanje i imanje tog razgovora za njih je bilo izlaženje iz ormara. Naravno, bilo bi lako pokazati gdje su podbacili. Mnogo je teže izaći im u susret i prihvatiti činjenicu da su se trudili. A što drugo možete tražiti od nekog nego da se trudi? Ako ćete biti iskreni s nekim, morate biti spremni na povratnu iskrenost.
So hard conversations are still not my strong suit. Ask anybody I have ever dated. But I'm getting better, and I follow what I like to call the three Pancake Girl principles. Now, please view this through gay-colored lenses, but know what it takes to come out of any closet is essentially the same.
Teški razgovori i dalje nisu moje područje. Pitajte bilo kog s kim sam hodala. Ali poboljšavam se, i slijedim ono što volim nazvati tri principa Palačinka Djevojčice. Sad, molim vas gledajte na ovo kroz gay-obojane leće, ali znajte da sve što treba za izlazak iz bilo kojeg ormara je u srži jednako.
Number one: Be authentic. Take the armor off. Be yourself. That kid in the cafe had no armor, but I was ready for battle. If you want someone to be real with you, they need to know that you bleed too.
Broj jedan: budite autentični. Skinite oklop. Budite svoji. To dijete u gostionici nije imalo oklop, ali ja sam bila spremna za bitku. Ako želite da netko bude iskren s vama, trebaju znati da i vi krvavite.
Number two: Be direct. Just say it. Rip the Band-Aid off. If you know you are gay, just say it. If you tell your parents you might be gay, they will hold out hope that this will change. Do not give them that sense of false hope. (Laughter)
Broj dva: budite direktni. Samo recite. Strgnite flaster. Ako znate da ste gay, samo recite. Ako kažete roditeljima da ste možda gay, oni će gajiti nadu da će se to možda promijeniti. Ne dajte im taj tračak lažne nade. (Smijeh)
And number three, and most important -- (Laughter) Be unapologetic. You are speaking your truth. Never apologize for that. And some folks may have gotten hurt along the way, so sure, apologize for what you've done, but never apologize for who you are. And yeah, some folks may be disappointed, but that is on them, not on you. Those are their expectations of who you are, not yours. That is their story, not yours. The only story that matters is the one that you want to write. So the next time you find yourself in a pitch-black closet clutching your grenade, know we have all been there before. And you may feel so very alone, but you are not. And we know it's hard but we need you out here, no matter what your walls are made of, because I guarantee you there are others peering through the keyholes of their closets looking for the next brave soul to bust a door open, so be that person and show the world that we are bigger than our closets and that a closet is no place for a person to truly live.
I broj tri, i najvažnije -- (Smijeh) Nemojte se ispričavati. Govorite istinu. Nikad se nemojte ispričavati za to. I neki ljudi će možda biti povrijeđeni s vremenom, pa svakako, ispričajte se za ono što ste učinili, ali nikad se ne ispričavajte za ono što jeste. I da, možda će neki biti razočarani, ali to je na njima, ne na vama. To su njihova očekivanja od vas, ne vaša. To je njihova priča, ne vaša. Jedina priča koja je bitna je ona koju vi želite napisati. Stoga, idući put kad se nađete u ormaru crnom kao ugljen držeći svoju granatu, znajte da smo svi tamo bili. I možete se osjećati usamljenima, ali niste. I svi znamo da je teško ali trebamo te ovdje vani, bez obzira od čega su tvoji zidovi napravljeni, jer vam garantiram da ima i drugih koji vire kroz ključanice svojih ormara tražeći hrabru dušu da razvali vrata, stoga budite ta osoba i pokažite svijetu da smo veći od svojih ormara i da ormar nije mjesto za čovjekov stvarni život.
Thank you, Boulder. Enjoy your night. (Applause)
Hvala vam, Boulder. Uživajte u ostatku večeri (Pljesak)