I have a death wish.
我有個遺願。
Now before you just boo me off the stage for saying such a thing in a pandemic, I'll explain with a little back story, starting with my second grade gym class. This was the longest, most humiliating hour of the week. My PE teacher, Mr. Jensen, was a former drill sergeant, and I always felt like the weakest kid. On my report card, he checked the boxes corresponding to what must have been important for kids' physical development in the '70s. Oh, except the one on leadership qualities, he left that one unchecked. Then he added a note. He said, "Andrea has difficulty kicking balls."
在疫情期間說這種話, 各位應該很想把我噓下台, 請先讓我先說明它的背景故事, 要從我二年級的體育課說起。 這堂課是每週最漫長 也最可恥的一個小時。 我的體育老師詹森先生以前是教官, 而我總覺得我是 孩子當中最弱的一個。 在我的成績單上, 他勾選的都是在 1970 年代 對孩子的身體發展很重要的項目。 喔,除了領導特質這一項, 他沒有勾選那一項。 他還加上了備註。 他說:「安德里雅 有踢『球』障礙。」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
My dad, who was always the one to see people's gifts instead of their limits, wrote a letter back to Mr. Jensen. He said, "Andrea may have difficulty kicking balls, but you should see her stand on her head and do cartwheels."
我爸爸通常都能看到 別人的天賦而非限制, 他回了一封信給詹森先生, 他說:「也許安德里雅有踢球障礙, 但你應該看看她用頭倒立翻筋斗。」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
As a kid, I was usually the smallest on the playground, never athletic, picked last for, you guessed it, kickball. I took solace in my dad's sincere support. But now, as a business owner, I can see that ball kicking can really come in handy
小時候,我總是遊樂場上 個子最小的那個孩子, 運動細胞很差, 最後一個才被選去…… 各位猜得沒錯,踢球。 我爸爸的真誠支持安慰了我。 但,現在,身為企業主, 我了解到,踢「球」 有時真的很有用。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
Anyway, in that one simple sentence to a short-sighted gym teacher "but you should see her," my dad showed me that focusing on strengths more than weaknesses feels really good. That there are other ways to look at the world and that it's important to recognize each other's gifts.
總之,寫一句簡單的話 給那位短視的體育老師, 「但你應該看看她」, 我爸爸讓我了解到, 多把焦點放在優點上, 而非缺點,感覺真的很棒。 且可以用其他的方式看世界, 以及肯定他人的天賦是很重要的。
So with all that great karma my dad had built up around appreciation with me, it only seems right that some praise would ultimately come his way. Long into his fruitful and active retirement, he was featured in a hometown newspaper story. The article described the many ways he contributed to our small Midwestern town. And he sent a copy of that piece to my siblings and me with a short handwritten note. He was always really modest, so he just said, "Well, it's better than having a eulogy read over a casket."
因為我爸爸懂得欣賞我 而在我身邊建立的 所有這些美好因緣, 最終,他也應該得到一些讚美才對。 在他進入豐富又活躍的 退休生活好一陣子之後, 家鄉的一份報紙刊載了 一篇關於他的報導。 文章中描述了他對我們這個 中西部小鎮做出的許多貢獻。 他把那篇文章寄給 我和我的兄弟姐妹, 附上一張手寫的字條。 他總是很謙虛,他只說: 「這至少比對著棺材讀悼文好吧。」
My dad died seven years ago at the age of 96, and he was surrounded by family and friends and two hospice workers. He left this world not 20 feet from where he’d come into it. He was born and he died in the same house. I like to think he died as well as he'd lived. On his own terms.
我爸爸在七年前過世, 享年九十六歲, 過世時身邊圍繞著家人、 朋友,及兩名安養院員工。 他離開這個世界的地方,離他 來到這個世界的地方不到二十呎。 他在同一間房子裡出生、過世。 我認為他活得很好,也死得很好。 都有依照他的意願。
I had the honor of giving the eulogy, and ultimately he'd chosen cremation over that "casket." As I looked over at my dad's ashes, I had to smile because, you know, our dad really loved beer. So instead of putting his ashes in a blasé urn, we put them in a big, shiny beer growler.
我很榮幸能誦讀悼文, 最終,他選擇火葬 而不是那「棺材」。 當我看向我爸爸的骨灰, 我微笑了, 因為,我爸爸很愛喝啤酒。 所以,他的骨灰 不是放在冰冷的甕裡, 我們把骨灰放在一個 閃亮的大型啤酒瓶裡。
(Laughter) So my remarks over the growler were a sincere tribute to a superb human being. Not unusual as far as eulogies go, except for one thing. He'd already heard it. Those many years earlier, after I'd received his note about how having nice things said about you while you're alive beats the alternative, I wrote my dad a letter. And the theme of the letter reflected a common thread that I had noticed in his long life. The theme of building. Our dad had helped to build so many things. Gun emplacements in World War II; a new industrial park; a vibrant hobby as a self-taught and later acclaimed woodcarver; confidence in others; a many-decades-long marriage; a family, a home. And he had the chance to read it all long before he died.
(笑聲) 我對著啤酒瓶誦讀的內容, 是對一個很棒的人 所表達的真誠敬意。 就悼文來說這並不會不尋常, 除了一點。 他已經聽過了。 許多年前,他寫字條告訴我 活著的時候能聽到 關於自己的好事有多棒, 比死了才聽到更好, 於是我寫了封信給我爸爸。 信的主題反映出 我在他長壽的人生中 注意到的一個共通元素。 「建造」這個主題。 我們的爸爸協助建造了好多東西。 二次大戰的炮台; 一個新的工業園區; 一個精采的嗜好:自學成為 後來頗受好評的木雕刻家; 他人的信心; 一段數十年長的婚姻; 一個家庭,一個家。 他有機會在他過世前很久 就先讀到這封信。
So that had me asking, why are eulogies only for dead people? Why do we wait so long to recognize each other's gifts? Why are the truest compliments and the sincerest sentiments said about people we love when they can't hear and savor and relish them? And how do we honor all those around us who are very much alive?
那讓我不禁想問: 為什麼悼文只能寫給死人? 為什麼我們要等這麼久 才認可彼此的付出? 為什麼對我們所愛的人 說出最真誠的讚美 及最真心的感情時, 卻是他們無法聽見、品嚐、 享受這些話的時候? 我們要如何對我們身邊 還活著的人表示敬意?
So what if we turn regret on its head and take all that love and conscientiousness that we habitually express after people die and do it while they're still here? Because doing that eases the pain of death and regret for both the dying and the living. So I set out on an intentional quest to bear witness to people who are dying. As a hospice volunteer, I'm learning that those who are dying, they want to know that they're loved. That they've loved well. They feel regret for all sorts of things. For things they didn't do and words they didn't say. Deep down, they want to know that their lives have mattered. They feel really mortal. Because they are. As am I. As are you.
如果我們能把後悔反轉過來呢? 把我們通常留到人死後才表達的 那些愛意和真心實話, 在他們還健在時就表達出來呢? 因為這麼做能夠減輕 死亡和後悔帶來的痛苦, 對於將死的人及活著的人皆是。 於是,我刻意踏上一段旅程, 去見證將死的人。 擔任安養院志工期間, 我發現將死的人 會想要知道他們是被愛著的, 他們有好好愛過。 他們會後悔各式各樣的事情。 後悔沒有做某些事, 沒有說某些話。 他們打從內心深處想要知道 他們的人生是有重要性的。 他們覺得自己會死。 因為的確如此。 我也會死。 各位也會死。
So when we learn a loved one may be dying, we face a pivotal choice. We can choose to say nothing and hope that our words will sufficiently honor the person who's no longer here with us. Or we can step up and express our love and appreciation while they're still here. And we can honor all those around us who are very much alive. I call this intentional honoring of others “Gracenotes”. And whether they’re written or spoken, they're this means of freely and openly acknowledging someone's presence and gifts. I know in my bones that these sentiments lessen the pain of grief and increase its grace. Like a musical grace note, they're that extra embellishment that makes something beautiful even better. With Gracenotes, we let our family, our friends, our kids, even our colleagues know not just that they matter but how they matter. And these notes also help us to overcome the illusion, the illusion that there'll always be more time to let others know how they're impacting the world.
所以,當我們得知 至親可能來日不多時, 我們就會面臨重要的選擇。 我們可以選擇什麼都不說, 希望當這個人不在時, 我們的話語足以 表示對他的敬意。 或者,我們可以站出來, 表達我們的愛和感念, 當他還在世時就做。 我們可以對我們身邊都還 活得好好的人表示敬意。 我把這種刻意對他人表示的 敬意稱為「裝飾心語」。 不論是用寫的還是說的, 透過這種方式,可以自由、 開放地認可一個人的 存在以及付出。 我打從骨子裡相信, 這些感情能減輕悲傷的痛苦, 還能增添它的優雅。 就像音樂的裝飾音, 它們是種額外的裝飾, 能讓美好更上一層樓。 透過裝飾心語,我們能讓家人、朋友、 孩子,甚至同事, 能夠不僅知道他們很重要, 還能知道重要在哪裡。 這些心語也能協助我們克服幻覺, 我們會幻想 一定還有很多時間可以讓對方知道 他們如何影響這個世界。
So what do you think keeps us from "gracing" each other this way? Lack of time? Fear of feeling awkward? Unresolved anger? Maybe a lack of forgiveness.
各位認為是什麼原因讓我們 不用這種方式讚頌彼此? 沒時間? 怕覺得尷尬? 還沒化解的憤怒? 也許是缺乏寬恕。
With that in mind, I'll tell you a bit about my friend Sandy. For much of her life, she had this complicated relationship with her mom. She was holding on to decades of resentment. Some of it was tied up in her mom's alcoholism. But now her mom was dying of cancer. And as heart-wrenching as it was to admit, she said sometimes she wanted her to die. Sandy and I happened to go for a walk not long after my dad passed, and I said I felt this sense of freedom and a lack of regret, and I thought it had to be because I gave him that note before he died. So Sandy decided to write her mom a note, and she included an honoring set of memories about what she did love about her mom.
就這一點,讓我跟各位 談談我的朋友珊蒂。 在她大部分的人生中, 她和她母親的關係都很複雜。 數十年她都不願放下憤恨。 有部分與她母親酗酒有關。 但現在她母親因為癌症, 所剩的日子不多了。 要承認這一點是十分揪心的, 但她仍然說,有時, 她會希望母親死掉。 我爸爸過世後沒多久, 我剛好和珊蒂去散步, 我說我感受到一種自由, 且沒有悔恨,我認為一定是因為 我在他過世前把心語給了他。 所以,珊蒂決定 也寫下給她母親的心語, 內容包含了表達敬意的記憶, 說明她愛她母親的哪些點。
She called me later, she said, "You know what? It was like magic. I started liking my mom. I forgave her. I felt compassion for her. My heart got softer."
後來,她打電話給我,說: 「你知道怎樣嗎? 就像魔法一樣。 我開始喜歡我母親了。 我原諒她了。 我會同情她了。 我的心變軟了。」
Here's the thing. When we're writing a Gracenote, you're not trying to get published in a poetry anthology. You don't have to sound like Shakespeare. My guess is you're probably not trying to get a job at Hallmark. Just want to sound like you. You just need to be willing to try. You're aiming for truth, authenticity, love. What I've learned over and over is that the pain of regret is always greater than the challenge of writing a Gracenote. A moment of grace can be that simple and that profound. It's an experience that forever touches the dying and those who are left behind.
重點來了。 在寫裝飾心語時, 目的並不是要出版詩集。 不用寫得像莎士比亞一樣。 我猜各位應該也沒打算 去 Hallmark 求職, 用你的語氣就好。 你只需要願意嘗試即可。 你的目標是事實、 真心、愛。 我一再學到一件事情,那就是, 後悔的痛苦向來都超過 撰寫心語的挑戰。 恩典的時刻的確有可能那麼簡單, 那麼深刻。 這種體驗會永遠觸動著 面臨死亡的人, 以及被留下的人。
So what now? You might be sitting there thinking what you'd say or how to get started. Business groups and long-term care groups that I speak to use what I like to call the Mad Libs approach. Maybe you played Mad Libs in middle school. Maybe you still play Mad Libs. It’s that fun, fill-in-the-blank word game. So with a little bit of Mad Libs style, we get this easy-to-use Gracenotes road map.
那現在呢? 各位坐在那裡,可能在想著 要說什麼或如何著手。 和我談過的企業團體和長期照護團體 會採用我所謂的瘋狂填字法。 也許各位在中學時玩過瘋狂填字。 也許各位現在還在玩。 它是種有趣的填字遊戲。 用一點瘋狂填字風格, 我們就能創造出 簡單易用的裝飾心語指示。
"You are the only person I know who ..."
「我認識的人當中只有你會……」
"I always laugh when I think about ..."
「只要我想到……就一定會笑。」
"You will leave a legacy around ..."
「你會留下的遺產是……」
Bottom line, you can't do this wrong. It's impossible. And if writing’s not your thing, what if you made a video? A drawing? Maybe you're really good at PowerPoint decks. Could you write a grace sentence? The medium doesn't matter. What matters is the doing.
總之,你不可能做錯。 不可能做錯。 如果你不擅長寫作, 拍支影片如何? 畫張圖? 也許你很擅長做 PowerPoint 投影片。 你能不能寫一句裝飾句? 用什麼媒體並不重要。 重要的是要去做。
What I've learned in this journey of my own and in talking to others about their losses, is that Gracenotes create the sense of completeness, contentedness and calm. I vividly recall the last night my dad was alive. By then he was unconscious, and everyone else had gone to bed. I sat with him with my hand softly on his. And on this unrepeatable night, I didn't have to worry about trying to find the words to tell him all that he'd meant to me and only hope that he could hear what I said. Instead, I could be present to his dying. I could affirm that if this was his time to move on, that was OK. I could love him with presence and with touch, knowing full well that my Gracenote those many years earlier had been a sincere and thorough rendering of his life well lived.
從我自己的旅程 以及和他人談他們的失去, 我學到了一件事: 裝飾心語能讓人感到完整、 滿足,以及平靜。 我爸爸在世的最後一晚 依然歷歷在目。 那時他已經沒有意識, 其他人都去睡覺了。 我坐在他旁邊,把我的手 輕柔地放在他的手上。 在這永遠不會再有的一夜, 我不用擔心還得要 傷腦筋用什麼話 來告訴他他對我的意義, 並期望他能聽到我說的。 反之,我可以參與他的離世, 我可以確信,如果 該是他走的時候了, 也沒有關係。 我可以用陪伴和觸碰的方式來愛他, 非常清楚知道我 多年前寫的裝飾心語一直 真誠地、完整地 描繪出他美滿的人生。
Ever since, I've felt very little regret. And I know it's because I shared my full heart with him before it was too late.
從那之後,我幾乎沒有後悔。 我知道那是因為我在 尚未太遲時就先和他分享了 我的所有心意。
So I hope, I deeply hope, that you don't know anyone who's actively dying. But given the times we're in, that may well not be the case. No matter what, I encourage you to just look around. People everywhere are dying to be seen and heard, to know how they matter. They're dying to get your Gracenote.
所以,我希望,我深切希望, 你沒有認識正走在 人生最後階段的人。 但在我們這個時代, 可能無法如願。 不論如何, 我鼓勵各位多看看周遭, 到處都有人渴望被看見、聽見, 想知道他們有什麼重要性。 他們渴望得到你的裝飾心語。
So that is my death wish. That you see how your note, no matter what form it takes, is like an oasis in a desert of people who are thirsty to know they're making a difference. Like my dad said, it's better than having a eulogy read over a casket.
那就是我的遺願。 希望各位能了解你們的心語, 不論用什麼形式呈現, 能為渴望知道自己造成不同的人, 為成沙漠中的綠洲。 如我爸爸所言, 這比對著棺材讀悼文好。
Thank you.
謝謝。
(Applause)
(掌聲)