I have a death wish.
我有一个遗愿。
Now before you just boo me off the stage for saying such a thing in a pandemic, I'll explain with a little back story, starting with my second grade gym class. This was the longest, most humiliating hour of the week. My PE teacher, Mr. Jensen, was a former drill sergeant, and I always felt like the weakest kid. On my report card, he checked the boxes corresponding to what must have been important for kids' physical development in the '70s. Oh, except the one on leadership qualities, he left that one unchecked. Then he added a note. He said, "Andrea has difficulty kicking balls."
先别因为我在疫情之下说这种事 就把我轰下台, 我先来介绍一下背景, 这还要从我二年级的体育课说起。 那是我那个星期感到最漫长、 最丢人的一段时间。 我的体育老师詹森先生,以前是个教官, 而我总感觉自己是所有学生当中最弱的。 他在我的成绩单里 所有在70年代对儿童身体发育 重要的项目旁的方框里打了勾。 哦,除了“领导才能”那项, 他没有打勾。 他还加注了一句。 他写道:“安德莉亚不擅长踢球。”
(Laughter)
(笑声)
My dad, who was always the one to see people's gifts instead of their limits, wrote a letter back to Mr. Jensen. He said, "Andrea may have difficulty kicking balls, but you should see her stand on her head and do cartwheels."
我父亲总能发现人们的天赋, 而不是盯着他们的缺点, 他给詹森先生回了信。 他写道:“安德莉亚或许不擅长踢球, 但你该见识一下她倒立侧手翻的本领。”
(Laughter)
(笑声)
As a kid, I was usually the smallest on the playground, never athletic, picked last for, you guessed it, kickball. I took solace in my dad's sincere support. But now, as a business owner, I can see that ball kicking can really come in handy
孩童时期的我 总是场上最矮小的一个, 从来不善于运动, 你们应该也猜到了, 老师总是最后一个点我去踢球。 父亲发自内心的支持给了我安慰。 而现在,我成了生意人, 对我来说,踢球真能派上用场。
(Laughter)
(笑声)
Anyway, in that one simple sentence to a short-sighted gym teacher "but you should see her," my dad showed me that focusing on strengths more than weaknesses feels really good. That there are other ways to look at the world and that it's important to recognize each other's gifts.
不管怎样,我爸对这目光短浅的体育老师 说的短短一句话“你该见识一下” 让我明白了,多关注自己的强项, 少关注弱项,这种感觉真好。 还有就是,认识世界还有很多别的方法, 还有,发现彼此的天赋也是很重要的。
So with all that great karma my dad had built up around appreciation with me, it only seems right that some praise would ultimately come his way. Long into his fruitful and active retirement, he was featured in a hometown newspaper story. The article described the many ways he contributed to our small Midwestern town. And he sent a copy of that piece to my siblings and me with a short handwritten note. He was always really modest, so he just said, "Well, it's better than having a eulogy read over a casket."
父亲对我的欣赏也为他带来了好运, 众人都对他连连称赞。 他功成身退后, 家乡的报纸登文介绍了他的事迹。 文中介绍了他对我们这个中西部小镇 做出的诸多贡献。 他还给我和兄弟姐妹们寄了文章的复印件, 上面还有一处手写的简短的注解。 他总是那么谦逊, 他只是说, “嗯,这个总比在棺材外念悼词要好吧。”
My dad died seven years ago at the age of 96, and he was surrounded by family and friends and two hospice workers. He left this world not 20 feet from where he’d come into it. He was born and he died in the same house. I like to think he died as well as he'd lived. On his own terms.
父亲七年前去世了,享年96岁, 他去世时,家人、朋友, 还有两位临终关怀护工围绕在他身边。 他去世的地方 离他出生的地方不过20尺。 他的生与死都在同一所房子里。 我总觉得,他虽然去世了, 但却好像还活着一样。 以他自己的方式活着。
I had the honor of giving the eulogy, and ultimately he'd chosen cremation over that "casket." As I looked over at my dad's ashes, I had to smile because, you know, our dad really loved beer. So instead of putting his ashes in a blasé urn, we put them in a big, shiny beer growler.
我有幸为他致了悼词, 最终他没有选择“棺葬”, 而是选择了火葬。 当我看向父亲的骨灰, 我微笑了,因为父亲特别喜爱啤酒, 所以我们没有用一般的骨灰缸 来装他的骨灰, 用的是一个又大又闪亮的啤酒瓶。
(Laughter) So my remarks over the growler were a sincere tribute to a superb human being. Not unusual as far as eulogies go, except for one thing. He'd already heard it. Those many years earlier, after I'd received his note about how having nice things said about you while you're alive beats the alternative, I wrote my dad a letter. And the theme of the letter reflected a common thread that I had noticed in his long life. The theme of building. Our dad had helped to build so many things. Gun emplacements in World War II; a new industrial park; a vibrant hobby as a self-taught and later acclaimed woodcarver; confidence in others; a many-decades-long marriage; a family, a home. And he had the chance to read it all long before he died.
(笑声) 我对这啤酒瓶的评论 是对一个优秀的人真挚的歌颂。 就悼词而言,它其实很平常, 但有一点不一样的是, 他已经听过这一段了。 早年间我收到过他的信件, 信中说活着的时候被人夸 胜过死后被人歌颂, 我也给父亲写了封信。 信的主题,是他漫长人生中 贯穿始终的东西。 这个主题就是建立。 父亲帮人们建立了许多东西: 二战时的炮台; 新的工业园区; 他超棒的、自学的、 其后广受赞扬的木雕爱好; 对人的信任; 长达几十年的婚姻; 一个家庭,一所房子。 在去世之前他早就读了悼词的内容。
So that had me asking, why are eulogies only for dead people? Why do we wait so long to recognize each other's gifts? Why are the truest compliments and the sincerest sentiments said about people we love when they can't hear and savor and relish them? And how do we honor all those around us who are very much alive?
这让我想问: 为什么悼词的内容只能用于逝者呢? 为什么我们迟迟不认可彼此的赠予呢? 为什么要在所爱之人再也没机会 听到、享受到的时候, 才对他们致以最真心的赞扬, 展现最真挚的感情呢? 我们该如何向身边活着的人致敬呢?
So what if we turn regret on its head and take all that love and conscientiousness that we habitually express after people die and do it while they're still here? Because doing that eases the pain of death and regret for both the dying and the living. So I set out on an intentional quest to bear witness to people who are dying. As a hospice volunteer, I'm learning that those who are dying, they want to know that they're loved. That they've loved well. They feel regret for all sorts of things. For things they didn't do and words they didn't say. Deep down, they want to know that their lives have mattered. They feel really mortal. Because they are. As am I. As are you.
如果我们能不留遗憾, 在别人活着的时候, 就把那些习惯于在别人去世之后 才表露的爱意与忠心表露出来呢? 这样做,不管是对死去的人还是活着的人, 都能减轻死亡和遗憾带来的痛苦。 所以我特意发起了一项活动, 为临终之人作见证。 作为一位临终关怀志愿者, 我了解到,临终之人 希望自己是被爱的, 也希望自己好好爱过。 他们对许多事情感到后悔, 后悔自己有些事没做,有些话没说。 他们内心深处希望自己的生命是有价值的。 他们感觉自己终将去往另一个世界。 因为他们确实如此。 我也一样。 你们也是。
So when we learn a loved one may be dying, we face a pivotal choice. We can choose to say nothing and hope that our words will sufficiently honor the person who's no longer here with us. Or we can step up and express our love and appreciation while they're still here. And we can honor all those around us who are very much alive. I call this intentional honoring of others “Gracenotes”. And whether they’re written or spoken, they're this means of freely and openly acknowledging someone's presence and gifts. I know in my bones that these sentiments lessen the pain of grief and increase its grace. Like a musical grace note, they're that extra embellishment that makes something beautiful even better. With Gracenotes, we let our family, our friends, our kids, even our colleagues know not just that they matter but how they matter. And these notes also help us to overcome the illusion, the illusion that there'll always be more time to let others know how they're impacting the world.
所以,当我们得知所爱之人生命将尽时, 便会面临一项关键选择。 我们可以选择什么也不说, 然后盼着自己的话能对那些 与我们永别的人致以崇高的敬意。 抑或是趁他们还活着的时候 就赶紧表达自己的爱与感激。 我们可以向身边任何活生生的人致敬。 对于这种有意的致敬, 我称之为“恩典之信”。 无论是书面的还是口头的, 它们都是在自发、公开地 对他人的存在和天赋表达认可。 我深知这种感情能够减少悲痛, 也能带来更大的恩典。 它们就像音乐里的装饰音, 是一种点缀,让各种事物锦上添花。 “恩典之信”不仅能让让家人、朋友、孩子, 甚至同事知道自己有多重要, 也能让他们知道自己为何重要。 这些信息也能让我们从错觉中醒过来, 这种错觉就是 我们还有很多时间让他人知道 自己对这世界的影响之大。
So what do you think keeps us from "gracing" each other this way? Lack of time? Fear of feeling awkward? Unresolved anger? Maybe a lack of forgiveness.
那么,你们觉得哪些因素 会成为人们互表“恩典”的阻碍呢? 没时间? 觉得尴尬? 有未解之恨? 又或许是缺乏谅解?
With that in mind, I'll tell you a bit about my friend Sandy. For much of her life, she had this complicated relationship with her mom. She was holding on to decades of resentment. Some of it was tied up in her mom's alcoholism. But now her mom was dying of cancer. And as heart-wrenching as it was to admit, she said sometimes she wanted her to die. Sandy and I happened to go for a walk not long after my dad passed, and I said I felt this sense of freedom and a lack of regret, and I thought it had to be because I gave him that note before he died. So Sandy decided to write her mom a note, and she included an honoring set of memories about what she did love about her mom.
基于这一点,我想给你们讲讲 我朋友珊迪的故事。 她一生中有相当一部分时间 跟母亲的关系十分复杂, 怀抱着怨恨已经持续好几十年了。 其中一部分原因就是她母亲酗酒。 而今,她母亲患了癌症,正处于弥留之际。 她说,虽然这么说很令人心碎, 但她有时候真的希望她母亲去死。 我父亲去世后不久, 珊迪正好和我一起去散步, 我说,我现在有种自如感, 而且无怨无悔, 我觉得这样很正常, 因为我在他去世之前 就向他表达了那些心声。 所以,珊迪也决定给母亲写封信, 信中她回忆了自己深爱她母亲的诸多方面。
She called me later, she said, "You know what? It was like magic. I started liking my mom. I forgave her. I felt compassion for her. My heart got softer."
后来她打电话跟我说, “你知道吗? 这简直跟魔法一样! 我开始喜欢我妈了。 我原谅了她, 也很同情他, 我的心也变得柔软了。”
Here's the thing. When we're writing a Gracenote, you're not trying to get published in a poetry anthology. You don't have to sound like Shakespeare. My guess is you're probably not trying to get a job at Hallmark. Just want to sound like you. You just need to be willing to try. You're aiming for truth, authenticity, love. What I've learned over and over is that the pain of regret is always greater than the challenge of writing a Gracenote. A moment of grace can be that simple and that profound. It's an experience that forever touches the dying and those who are left behind.
重点在这。 我们在写“恩典之信”的时候, 不是要让它们在诗集里出版的, 不必把文风搞得跟莎士比亚似的。 我觉得,大家写这个 不是为了在贺曼卡片工作, 只要是自己的风格就好。 你们只需要去尝试。 你们的目标应该是 展现事实、真心和爱意。 我曾一次一次地明白,遗憾带来的痛苦, 远比写一封“恩典之信” 带来的的挑战更大。 这种恩典,或简单,或深奥, 也是一种经历,它总能感动 临终的人和失去亲人的人。
So what now? You might be sitting there thinking what you'd say or how to get started. Business groups and long-term care groups that I speak to use what I like to call the Mad Libs approach. Maybe you played Mad Libs in middle school. Maybe you still play Mad Libs. It’s that fun, fill-in-the-blank word game. So with a little bit of Mad Libs style, we get this easy-to-use Gracenotes road map.
现在该做什么呢? 此时你们可能正坐在那儿想着 该说什么或是该如何开始。 我曾洽谈过的企业集团和长期关怀小组 会用这么一种方法, 我称之为“疯狂填词法”。 可能你们中学的时候都玩过疯狂填词, 甚至可能现在都还在玩。 这是一个好玩的填空游戏。 我们可以用疯狂填词的方式 得到这样一个易用的“恩典之信”导图。
"You are the only person I know who ..."
“你是我认识的唯一一个……”
"I always laugh when I think about ..."
“当我想到……时,我总是开怀大笑。”
"You will leave a legacy around ..."
“你会为……留下一笔宝贵财富。”
Bottom line, you can't do this wrong. It's impossible. And if writing’s not your thing, what if you made a video? A drawing? Maybe you're really good at PowerPoint decks. Could you write a grace sentence? The medium doesn't matter. What matters is the doing.
总之,你不会做错, 不可能做错。 如果不喜欢写信的话, 不如试试拍视频? 或是画画? 或者做 PowerPoint 投影片? 你能够写一句好话吗? 重要的不是用什么媒介, 而是采取行动。
What I've learned in this journey of my own and in talking to others about their losses, is that Gracenotes create the sense of completeness, contentedness and calm. I vividly recall the last night my dad was alive. By then he was unconscious, and everyone else had gone to bed. I sat with him with my hand softly on his. And on this unrepeatable night, I didn't have to worry about trying to find the words to tell him all that he'd meant to me and only hope that he could hear what I said. Instead, I could be present to his dying. I could affirm that if this was his time to move on, that was OK. I could love him with presence and with touch, knowing full well that my Gracenote those many years earlier had been a sincere and thorough rendering of his life well lived.
我从自己的亲身经历,还有和别人 谈论丧亲经历当中明白了一件事, 就是“恩典之信”能给人带来 圆满、满足、平静的感觉。 我到现在还清晰记得 父亲生命的最后一天。 那时他已经不省人事, 其他人也都上床睡觉了。 我就坐在他旁边,用手轻轻触碰他。 在这空前绝后的夜晚, 我不用费心去想 怎么去告诉他他对我多重要, 只盼着他能听到。 相反,我亲眼见证了他的弥留之际。 我敢肯定,如果他现在必须离开了 也没关系。 我能以陪伴和轻触来表达爱意, 清楚地知道 我早年间的“恩典之信” 是对他美好一生真实、透彻的描绘。
Ever since, I've felt very little regret. And I know it's because I shared my full heart with him before it was too late.
从那以后,我一直无怨无悔。 那是因为我在还来得及的时候 就向他表露了真心。
So I hope, I deeply hope, that you don't know anyone who's actively dying. But given the times we're in, that may well not be the case. No matter what, I encourage you to just look around. People everywhere are dying to be seen and heard, to know how they matter. They're dying to get your Gracenote.
所以,我真心希望 你们认识的人里没有快要离开这个世界的。 但在我们现在所处的时代, 情况并不见得如此。 无论如何, 我想请你们看看周围。 所有人都热切地盼望 自己能被看到、被听到, 盼望有人知道他们多重要。 他们渴望收到你们的“恩典之信”。
So that is my death wish. That you see how your note, no matter what form it takes, is like an oasis in a desert of people who are thirsty to know they're making a difference. Like my dad said, it's better than having a eulogy read over a casket.
这就是我的遗愿。 我希望各位能明白 你们传递的信息,无论是什么形式, 都会像沙漠里的绿洲一样给人希望, 他们渴望有人知道他们有多重要。 就像我父亲说过的, 这个总比在棺材外念悼词要好。
Thank you.
谢谢大家。
(Applause)
(掌声)