(Music)
(Glazba)
[Sanskrit] This is an ode to the mother goddess, that most of us in India learn when we are children. I learned it when I was four at my mother's knee. That year she introduced me to dance, and thus began my tryst with classical dance. Since then -- it's been four decades now -- I've trained with the best in the field, performed across the globe, taught young and old alike, created, collaborated, choreographed, and wove a rich tapestry of artistry, achievement and awards. The crowning glory was in 2007, when I received this country's fourth highest civilian award, the Padma Shri, for my contribution to art.
[Sanskrt] Ovo je oda božici majci oda koju većina nas u Indiji nauči još u djetinjstvu. Ja sam je naučila s četiri godine na majčinu koljenu. Te godine majka me uvela u ples. I tako je počela moja veza s klasičnim plesom. Od tada -- prošla su već četiri desetljeća -- vježbala sam s najboljima u tom području, plesala diljem zemaljske kugle, podučavala i mlade i stare, stvarala, surađivala, radila na koreografiji, i tkala bogatu tapiseriju umjetnosti, postignuća i nagrada. Kruna moje slave došla je 2007, kad sam primila državnu nagradu, četvrtu najvišu civilnu nagradu, Padmashri, za svoj umjetnički doprinos.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)
But nothing, nothing prepared me for what I was to hear on the first of July 2008. I heard the word "carcinoma." Yes, breast cancer. As I sat dumbstruck in my doctor's office, I heard other words: "cancer," "stage," "grade." Until then, Cancer was the zodiac sign of my friend, stage was what I performed on, and grades were what I got in school. That day, I realized I had an unwelcome, uninvited, new life partner. As a dancer, I know the nine rasas or the navarasas: anger, valor, disgust, humor and fear. I thought I knew what fear was. That day, I learned what fear was.
Ali ništa, baš ništa me nije pripremilo na ono što mi je rečeno 1. srpnja 2008. Čula sam riječ "karcinom". Da, rak dojke. Dok sam skamenjeno sjedila u ordinaciji svog liječnika, čula sam druge riječi, "rak", "stadij", "stupanj". Dotada je rak bio horoskopski znak mog prijatelja, pozornica (stadij) je bilo mjesto na kojemu sam plesala, a ocjene (stupanj) su bile ono što sam dobivala u školi. Toga dana sam ustanovila da imam neželjenog, nezvanog, novog životnog partnera. Kao plesačica, poznajem devet rasa ili navarasa: srdžbu, hrabrost, gađenje, humor i strah. Mislila sam da znam što je strah. Tog dana, upoznala sam strah.
Overcome with the enormity of it all and the complete feeling of loss of control, I shed copious tears and asked my dear husband, Jayant. I said, "Is this it? Is this the end of the road? Is this the end of my dance?" And he, the positive soul that he is, said, "No, this is just a hiatus, a hiatus during the treatment, and you'll get back to doing what you do best."
Svladana strahotom svega toga i potpunim osjećajem gubitka kontrole, prolila sam brojne suze i zapitala svog dragog muža Jayanta. Rekla sam, "Je li to to? Je li ovo kraj puta? Je li to kraj mog plesa?" A on je, optimističan kakav jest, rekao, "Ne, ovo je samo prekid, prekid za vrijeme liječenja, a ti ćeš poslije toga ponovno raditi ono što ti najbolje ide."
I realized then that I, who thought I had complete control of my life, had control of only three things: My thought, my mind -- the images that these thoughts created -- and the action that derived from it. So here I was wallowing in a vortex of emotions and depression and what have you, with the enormity of the situation, wanting to go to a place of healing, health and happiness. I wanted to go from where I was to where I wanted to be, for which I needed something. I needed something that would pull me out of all this. So I dried my tears, and I declared to the world at large ... I said, "Cancer's only one page in my life, and I will not allow this page to impact the rest of my life."
Tada sam otkrila da ja koja sam vjerovala da imam kontrolu nad svojim životom, kontroliram samo tri stvari: Svoju misao, svoju svijest -- slike koje su te misli stvarale -- i postupke koji su iz toga proizlazili. I tako sam se koprcala u vrtlogu osjećaja i depresije i svega što dolazi s užasom situacije, želeći otići na mjesto oporavka, zdravlja i sreće. Željela sam otići s mjesta na kojem sam bila na mjesto gdje sam htjela biti, a za to sam trebala nešto. Trebala sam nešto što bi me izvuklo iz svega ovoga. Zato sam obrisala suze, i objavila cijelom svijetu ... Rekla sam, "Rak je samo jedna stranica mog života, i neću joj dopustiti da utječe na ostatak mog života."
I also declared to the world at large that I would ride it out, and I would not allow cancer to ride me. But to go from where I was to where I wanted to be, I needed something. I needed an anchor, an image, a peg to peg this process on, so that I could go from there. And I found that in my dance, my dance, my strength, my energy, my passion, my very life breath. But it wasn't easy. Believe me, it definitely wasn't easy. How do you keep cheer when you go from beautiful to bald in three days? How do you not despair when, with the body ravaged by chemotherapy, climbing a mere flight of stairs was sheer torture, that to someone like me who could dance for three hours? How do you not get overwhelmed by the despair and the misery of it all? All I wanted to do was curl up and weep. But I kept telling myself fear and tears are options I did not have.
Također sam cijelom svijetu objavila da ću izmoriti rak i neću mu dopustiti da upravlja mnome. Ali da bih otišla s mjesta na kojem sam bila na mjesto gdje sam htjela biti, trebala sam nešto. Neko sidro, sliku, klin koji bi me držao, tako da se mogu izvući odatle. Pronašla sam to u svom plesu, svom plesu, svojoj snazi, svojoj energiji, svojoj strasti, samom svojem životnom dahu. Ali nije bilo lako. Vjerujte mi, uopće nije bilo lako. Kako ostati vedra kad se iz ljepotice u tri dana pretvoriš u ćelavicu? Kako ne očajavati kad je, za tijelo poharano kemoterapijom, uspon uz nekoliko stepenica bio jednak mučenju, i to za nekoga poput mene tko je mogao plesati po tri sata? Kako ne pokleknuti pod očajem i jadom svega toga? Samo sam se željela sklupčati i plakati. Ali sam si nastavila govoriti kako su strah i suze izbor koji zapravo nemam.
So I would drag myself into my dance studio -- body, mind and spirit -- every day into my dance studio, and learn everything I learned when I was four, all over again, reworked, relearned, regrouped. It was excruciatingly painful, but I did it. Difficult. I focused on my mudras, on the imagery of my dance, on the poetry and the metaphor and the philosophy of the dance itself. And slowly, I moved out of that miserable state of mind.
I zato bih se dovukla do svog plesnog studija, tijelo, um i duh, svakoga dana u svoj plesni studio, i učila bih sve što sam naučila s četiri godine, sve ispočetka, ponovno bih radila, učila, grupirala. Bilo je strahovito bolno, ali sam uspjela. Teško. Usredotočila sam se na mudre, na slikovitost svog plesa, na poetiku i metaforu i na filozofiju samog plesa. I polako bih izlazila iz onog jadnog stanja svijesti.
But I needed something else. I needed something to go that extra mile, and I found it in that metaphor which I had learned from my mother when I was four. The metaphor of Mahishasura Mardhini, of Durga. Durga, the mother goddess, the fearless one, created by the pantheon of Hindu gods. Durga, resplendent, bedecked, beautiful, her 18 arms ready for warfare, as she rode astride her lion into the battlefield to destroy Mahishasur. Durga, the epitome of creative feminine energy, or shakti. Durga, the fearless one. I made that image of Durga and her every attribute, her every nuance, my very own.
Ali trebalo mi je još nešto. Trebala sam nešto da bih učinila onaj jedan korak više. I našla sam to u metaforičkoj priči koju sam naučila od svoje majke kad sam imala četiri godine. Metafora Mahishasura Mardhini, o Durgi. Durga, božica majka, neustrašiva, nastala u panteonu hinduističkih božanstava. Durga, blistava, nakićena, lijepa, sa svojih 18 ruku spremna za bitke, dok jaše na svom lavu prema bojištu kako bi uništila Mahishu. Durga, utjelovljenje kreativne ženske energije shakti. Durga, neustrašiva. Stvorila sam sliku Durge i svake njene osobine, svake nijanse, svojom vlastitom.
Powered by the symbology of a myth and the passion of my training, I brought laser-sharp focus into my dance, laser-sharp focus to such an extent that I danced a few weeks after surgery. I danced through chemo and radiation cycles, much to the dismay of my oncologist. I danced between chemo and radiation cycles and badgered him to fit it to my performing dance schedule. What I had done is I had tuned out of cancer and tuned into my dance. Yes, cancer has just been one page in my life.
Snagom mitske simbolike i strasti svojeg vježbanja, u svoj ples sam unijela vrhunsku koncentraciju. Izoštrenu do te mjere, da sam plesala nekoliko tjedana nakon operacije. Plesala sam kroz kemoterapiju i zračenja, na užas svog onkologa. Plesala sam između ciklusa kemoterapija i zračenja i gnjavila ga da ih prilagodi mojem rasporedu plesnih nastupa. Ono što sam napravila jest to da sam se isključila iz raka i povezala sa svojim plesom. Da, rak je bio samo jedna stranica mog života.
My story is a story of overcoming setbacks, obstacles and challenges that life throws at you. My story is the power of thought. My story is the power of choice. It's the power of focus. It's the power of bringing ourselves to the attention of something that so animates you, so moves you, that something even like cancer becomes insignificant. My story is the power of a metaphor. It's the power of an image. Mine was that of Durga, Durga the fearless one. She was also called Simhanandini, the one who rode the lion.
Moja priča je priča o svladavanju prepreka, smetnji i izazova koje vam život postavlja. Moja priča je moć misli, Moja priča je moć izbora. Moć koncentracije. Moć usmjeravanja vlastite pažnje nečemu što nas tako pokreće, što nas tako pomakne, da čak i nešto poput raka postaje nebitno. Moja priča je snaga metafore. Snaga slike. Moja je bila slika Durge, Durge - neustrašive. Zvali su je i Simhanandini, ona koja jaše lava.
As I ride out, as I ride my own inner strength, my own inner resilience, armed as I am with what medication can provide and continue treatment, as I ride out into the battlefield of cancer, asking my rogue cells to behave, I want to be known not as a cancer survivor, but as a cancer conqueror.
Dok ja jašem dalje, dok jašem na svojoj vlastitoj unutrašnjoj snazi, svojoj unutrašnjoj izdržljivosti, naoružana onim što lijekovi mogu dati i dok nastavljam liječenje, dok jašem na bojno polje raka, naređujući svojim odmetnutim stanicama da budu dobre, želim biti poznata, ne kao ona koja je preživjela rak, nego kao ona koja je pobijedila rak.
I present to you an excerpt of that work "Simhanandini."
Ovo je dio mog rada "Simhanandini."
(Applause)
(Pljesak)
(Music)
(Glazba)
(Applause)
(Pljesak)