Two months ago, my kids and I huddled around a cell phone watching the live stream of the Game Awards, one of the video game industry's biggest nights. They announced the nominees for the Game for Impact, an award that's given to a thought-provoking video game with a profound prosocial message or meaning. They opened the envelope and they read the title of our video game. An award ... for impact. It was almost funny, actually, because I always thought that winning an award like that would have this huge impact on my life, but I found that the opposite is true.
兩個月前,我和孩子們 貼在一塊手機螢幕前, 觀看「年度遊戲獎」的直播。 這是遊戲界意義最重大的夜晚之一, 「最具影響力遊戲」的 提名名單被公佈了, 這個獎項被頒給引人深思、 且深刻体现社會道德價值觀的電玩遊戲。 他們打開了信封, 念出名字──那是我們創造的遊戲。 一個最具影響力的獎項。 其實,這幾乎有點可笑, 因為我一直以為,贏得這樣的獎項, 會對我的生活造成很大的影響, 但是我發現事實恰好相反。
The big nights, the accomplishments -- they fade. But the hardest nights of my life have stuck with me, impacting who I am and what I do.
那不凡的夜晚, 那傲人的成就, 都會淡去。 但我人生中最難熬的那些夜晚 卻揮之不去, 影響了我本身, 以及我的所做所為。
In 2010, my third son, Joel, was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive brain tumor. And before that year was finished, doctors sat my husband and I down and let us know that his tumor had returned despite the most aggressive chemotherapy and radiation that they could offer him. On that terrible night, after learning that Joel had perhaps four months to live, I cuddled up with my two older sons in bed -- they were five and three at the time -- and I never really knew how much they understood, so I started telling them a bedtime story. I told them about this very brave knight named Joel and his adventure fighting a terrible dragon called cancer. Every night, I told them more of the story, but I never let the story end. I was just building up a context that they could understand and hoping that our prayers would be answered and I would never have to tell them that that knight, who had fought so bravely, was done fighting and could rest now, forever.
2010 年,我的第三個兒子喬爾 被診斷出一種罕見的侵襲性腦瘤。 那年年底, 醫生要我和我的丈夫坐下, 告訴我們,喬爾的腫瘤復發了, 最激進的化療和輻射治療, 也無濟於事。 在那個糟透的夜晚, 得知喬爾可能只剩下 四個月的壽命之後, 我在床上摟著我的兩個大兒子, 他們那時分別是五歲和三歲, 我從來不瞭解當時他們能明白什麽, 所以我開始講床邊故事給他們聽。 我告訴他們, 有一個名叫喬爾的勇敢騎士, 與名叫「癌症」的惡龍戰鬥的冒險故事。 每晚,我一點一點把這個 故事講給他們聽, 但是我一直不讓故事結束。 我只是在建造一個 他們能理解的情境, 希望我們的禱告能有回響, 希望我永遠不需要告訴他們, 那位勇敢戰鬥的騎士, 已經不再戰鬥了, 他可以休息了,歸於沉寂。
Fortunately, I never did have to finish that bedtime story. My children outgrew it. Joel responded better than anyone expected to palliative treatment, and so instead of months, we spent years learning how to love our dying child with all of our hearts. Learning to recognize that shameful feeling of holding back just a little love to try to spare ourselves just a little pain somewhere further down the road. We pushed past that self-preservation because Joel was worth loving even if that love could crush us. And that lesson of intense vulnerability has changed me ... more than any award ever could.
幸運的是,我從來就沒有需要 給那個床邊故事作結, 我的孩子長大了,不再需要它。 喬爾在緩和治療(姑息治療)下 恢復得比大家預期的還要好, 所以他的壽命延長了, 比起幾個月,我們能用數年的時間, 學習如何全心全意去愛護 緩慢走向死亡的兒子。 學習去認清那份羞愧感── 在這旅程的深處, 不敢愛得太深, 因為那樣實在太痛 ── 這懦弱令人羞愧。 我們掙扎著克服了這項自我保護, 因為喬爾是值得愛的, 即使那份愛終會使我們心碎。 而那強烈的脆弱感磨練並改變了我, 那影響遠遠大於任何榮譽。
We started living like Joel could live, and we began developing a video game called "That Dragon, Cancer." It was the story of Joel. It was the story of hope in the shadow of death. It was the story of faith and doubt, and the realization that a wrestle with doubt is a part of faith -- maybe the biggest part of it. It was a story that began as a miracle and ended as a memorial.
我們過上另一種日子── 就好像喬爾能存活一樣, 我們開始開發一個電玩遊戲 叫做《癌症似惡龍》, 那是屬於喬爾的傳記。 這個故事講述了籠罩在 死亡陰影下的希望。 這個故事關乎信念, 關乎懷疑, 關乎意識到:與懷疑搏鬥 本來就是信念的一部份── 也許是最主要的部份。 故事以奇蹟起始, 以懷念收尾。
(Music)
(音樂)
(Giggle)
(咯咯笑)
(Clapping)
(拍手)
(Music)
(音樂)
(Video) Dad: Bouncing around, do you like that?
(影片)爸爸:蹦蹦跳跳, 喜歡這樣嗎?
(Giggle)
(咯咯笑)
I love your giggle.
我喜歡你的笑聲。
(Music)
(音樂)
(Giggle)
(咯咯笑)
[A Journey of Hope In the Shadow of Death]
【在死亡陰影下, 一段關於希望的旅程】
[That Dragon, Cancer]
《癌症似惡龍》
(Music)
(音樂)
When you play "That Dragon, Cancer," you're transformed into a witness of Joel's life, exploring an emotional landscape, clicking to discover more of what we as a family felt and experienced. It feels a little bit like analyzing interactive poetry because every game mechanic is a metaphor, and so the more the player asks themselves what we as designers were trying to express and why, the richer the experience becomes.
當你玩《癌症似惡龍》 這個遊戲時, 你會轉變成為喬爾人生的見證人, 探索情緒的世界, 透過點選來發現 我們身為家人的感受和經歷。 這感覺有點像是品析互動的詩歌, 因為每個遊戲機制都具有象徵含義, 所以,當玩家們自問: 我們這些設計師 想表達什麼?為什麼? 問得越多,遊戲體驗就會越豐富、飽滿。
We took that vulnerability that Joel taught us, and we encoded the game with it. Players expect their video games to offer them branching narrative so that every decision that they make feels important and can change the outcome of the game. We subverted that principle of game design, collapsing the choices in on the player so that they discover for themselves that there is nothing that they can do that will change the outcome for Joel. And they feel that discovery as deeply and desperately as we felt it on nights when we held Joel in our arms praying for hours, stubbornly holding out hope for a grace that we could not create for ourselves.
我們把喬爾教我們的脆弱, 編寫融入到遊戲當中。 玩家會期望他們玩的遊戲 能提供多分支的故事線, 這樣他們會感到遊戲中的 每個選擇都很重要, 而且會影響遊戲的結果。 我們推翻了這條遊戲設計原則, 不再給予玩家們選擇的自由, 讓他們自己發現, 他們對喬爾的結局愛莫能助。 他們覺得這個事實很沈重、很絕望, 就像在那個晚上,我們摟著喬爾, 禱告了幾個小時所感受到的一樣── 那時我們固執地希望能得到 上蒼那可望不可即的恩典。
We'd all prefer to win, but when you discover that you can't win, what do you value instead?
我們都喜歡做贏家, 但當你發現你贏不了, 繼而會重視什麼?
I never planned to write video games, but these moments that really change our lives, they often come as the result of our hardship -- and not our glory. When we thought that Joel could live, I left the game designing to my husband. I chimed in here and there with a scene or two and some suggestions. But after the night that Joel died, the passion, the possibility of sharing Joel's life through our video game -- it was something that I couldn't resist. I started writing more, I sat in on our team's design meetings, I added more ideas and I helped direct scenes. And I discovered that creating a video game is telling a story, but with an entirely new vocabulary. All the same elements of imagination and symbolism are there, but they're just partnered with player agency and system responsiveness. It's challenging work. I have to think in a totally new way to do it, but I love it. And I wouldn't have known that without Joel.
我從來沒有打算要開發電玩遊戲, 但那些時刻真的改變了我們的生命, 那些時刻通常伴隨著苦難而來, 而非榮耀。 當我們以為喬爾可倖存時, 我把遊戲設計工作丟給我丈夫。 我只是偶爾插一下話, 做一兩個場景或給一些意見。 但在喬爾過世的那個晚上之後, 那股熱忱, 那種「透過我們的電玩遊戲來 分享喬爾的一生」的可能性, 我實在無法抗拒。 我開始投入更多精力, 我出席我們團隊的設計會議, 我構想出更多點子,協助指導場景的搭建。 我發現,創作一個電玩遊戲 就是在講述一個故事, 以一種全新的語言來表達。 那裏有著同樣的想像和象徵要素, 它們只是和遊戲設備, 及遊戲系統響應,合併在一起。 這是很有挑戰性的工作。 我得想出一個 全新的方式來完成它, 但我熱愛它。 若不是喬爾,我不會體會這些。
Maybe you're a little surprised by our choice to share our story of terminal cancer through a video game. Perhaps you're even thinking like so many people before you: cancer is not a game. Well, tell that to any pediatric cancer parent that's ever taken an exam glove and blown it up into a balloon, or transformed a syringe into a rocket ship, or let their child ride their IV pole through the hospital halls like it was a race car. Because when you have children, everything is a game. And when your young child experiences something traumatic, you work even harder to make sure that their life feels like a game because children naturally explore their worlds through play. While cancer can steal many things from a family, it shouldn't steal play.
也許你有些訝異, 我們會用電玩遊戲 來分享我們的抗癌故事, 你甚至會想:「癌症哪是遊戲啊,」 不只是你,很多人都這麼想。 那麼,去問問那些癌症兒童的父母, 去問那些曾把手術手套 拿來當氣球吹, 把注射器變成火箭船, 或是讓孩子在醫院大廳騎著輸液架, 假裝在賽車的父母。 因為當你有孩子之後, 一切都像是個遊戲。 當你的小孩正經歷著創傷, 你會更努力想讓 他們的人生如同玩耍遊戲, 因為孩子們如此自然地 透過玩樂來探索他們的世界。 雖然癌症會從一個家庭中 奪走很多東西, 但我們不應讓它奪走玩樂。
If you're listening to me and you're trying to imagine this family that revolves entirely around a dying child, and you can't imagine joy as part of that picture, then we were right to share our story with you, because that season of our life was hard. Unspeakably hard at times, but it was also pure hope, deep love and joy like I have never experienced since. Our video game was our attempt to share that world with people who hadn't experienced it before, because we never could imagine that world until it became ours.
如果你正在傾聽, 並且在試著想像一個家庭, 以一個步向死亡的孩子 為中心的家庭, 你無法想像這個畫面中 有著何種喜悅。 那麼我們的確應該 把我們的故事分享給你, 因為我們的那段人生很難熬, 有時難熬到無法言喻, 但它又飽含著純粹的希望, 無比深刻的愛, 以及我未嘗經歷過的喜悅。 我們試圖透過電玩遊戲 把那個世界分享給 不曾經歷過這些的人。 因為我們本來也無法感同身受, 直到它變成了我們的親身經歷。
We made a video game that's hard to play. It will never be a blockbuster. People have to prepare themselves to invest emotionally in a story that they know will break their hearts. But when our hearts break, they heal a little differently. My broken heart has been healing with a new and a deeper compassion -- a desire to sit with people in their pain, to hear their stories and try to help tell them so that they know that they're seen.
我們做了一款毫不輕鬆的電玩遊戲, 它永遠不會熱銷, 玩家得要讓自己準備好 在情感上投入, 投入一個必定令人心碎的故事中。 但當我們的心破碎並癒合, 它們便不同於往昔。 我破碎的心癒合之後 有了新的且更深刻的同情心, 有了想與人共度痛苦的欲望, 想去傾聽他們的故事, 並試著去幫助他們, 讓他們知道他們被人理解。
On the night when "That Dragon, Cancer" won the Game for Impact Award, we cheered, we smiled and we talked about Joel and the impact he had on our life -- on all of those hard and hopeful nights that we shared with him when he changed our hearts and taught us so much more about life and love and faith and purpose. That award will never mean as much to me as even a single photograph of my son, but it does represent all of the people who his life has impacted, people I'll never meet. They write me emails sometimes. They tell me that they miss Joel, even though they never met him. They describe the tears that they've shed for my son, and it makes my burden of grief just a little bit lighter knowing that it's shared with a 10-year-old watching a YouTube playthrough, or a doctor playing on his airplane with a smartphone, or a professor introducing Joel to her first-year philosophy students.
在「癌症似惡龍」 得了最具影響力獎的那個晚上, 我們歡呼, 我們微笑,我們談論著喬爾, 以及他對我們人生的影響── 我們與他共度的 那些難熬卻充滿希望的夜晚, 他改變了我們的心, 讓我們更加深刻地體會 人生、愛、信念、以及目的。 那獎項對我的意義, 比不上我兒子的任何一張照片, 但那獎項的確代表了 被喬爾人生影響到的每個人, 也許我從未見過他們。 他們有時會寫電子郵件給我, 告訴我,雖然從來沒見過喬爾, 但他們想念他, 訴說他們為我兒子流下的眼淚, 而聽說這個遊戲的錄影在 YouTube 上 被分享給一個十歲的孩子, 也聽說有醫生在飛機上 用智慧手機玩這個遊戲, 還有哲學教授把喬爾介紹 給她的一年級學生。 這些都讓我悲傷的重擔變得輕了一些。
We made a video game that's hard to play. But that feels just right to me, because the hardest moments of our lives change us more than any goal we could ever accomplish. Tragedy has shifted my heart more than any dream I could ever see come true.
我們做了一款毫不輕鬆的遊戲, 但我感覺這麼做是對的, 因為我們人生中最困難的時刻, 比任何別的成就更能改變我們。 悲劇轉變了我的心, 比任何能成真的美夢 所帶來的轉變都還要更多。
Thank you.
謝謝大家。
(Applause)
(鼓掌)