On the red tiles in my family's den I would dance and sing to the made-for-TV movie "Gypsy," starring Bette Midler.
在我家書齋的紅地磚上, 我會在那裡邊播放電視電影 《星夢不了情》邊跟著唱跳起來, 這部片是由貝蒂蜜勒主演。
(Singing) "I had a dream. A wonderful dream, papa."
(唱歌)「我有一個夢想。 一個美好的夢想,爸爸。」
I would sing it with the urgency and the burning desire of a nine-year-old who did, in fact, have a dream. My dream was to be an actress. And it's true that I never saw anyone who looked like me in television or in films, and sure, my family and friends and teachers all constantly warned me that people like me didn't make it in Hollywood. But I was an American. I had been taught to believe that anyone could achieve anything, regardless of the color of their skin, the fact that my parents immigrated from Honduras, the fact that I had no money. I didn't need my dream to be easy, I just needed it to be possible.
我唱這首歌時,還懷著 九歲孩子的急迫和熱切欲望, 那時,我的確有一個夢想。 我的夢想是要成為演員。 的確,我從來沒有在電視或電影上 看到任何長得像我這樣的人, 而且,當然,我的家人、 朋友、老師都經常告誡我, 像我這樣的人在好萊塢 是混不下去的。 但我是美國人。 我被教導的是:要相信 任何人都可以成就任何事, 不論他們的皮膚是什麼顏色, 無論我的父母是宏都拉斯移民, 無論我沒有錢。 我並不要求我的夢想 要很容易實現, 我只需要它有實現的可能性。
And when I was 15, I got my first professional audition. It was a commercial for cable subscriptions or bail bonds, I don't really remember.
我十五歲時, 得到了我人生的 第一個專業試鏡機會。 那是一支電視廣告, 內容是關於申請有線電視, 或保釋保證書,我不太記得了。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
What I do remember is that the casting director asked me, "Could you do that again, but just this time, sound more Latina."
我還記得的是,選角導演問我: 「妳能不能再做一次剛才的表演, 只是這次要聽起來 更拉丁裔女性一點?」
"Um, OK. So you want me to do it in Spanish?" I asked.
「喔,好。 所以你是希望我說 西班牙語嗎?」我問。
"No, no, do it in English, just sound Latina."
「不,不。說英文, 但要聽起來更像拉丁裔女性一點。」
"Well, I am a Latina, so isn't this what a Latina sounds like?"
「嗯,我是拉丁裔女性, 我聽起來不像拉丁裔女性嗎?」
There was a long and awkward silence, and then finally, "OK, sweetie, never mind, thank you for coming in, bye!"
接著是一段又長又尷尬的沉默, 接著,終於: 「好,親愛的,無所謂, 謝謝妳來,掰!」
It took me most of the car ride home to realize that by "sound more Latina" she was asking me to speak in broken English. And I couldn't figure out why the fact that I was an actual, real-life, authentic Latina didn't really seem to matter.
我開車回家時,幾乎一路 都在想,終於明白了 她說「聽起來更拉丁裔女性」 其實意思是要我說爛英文。 而我不能理解為什麼 我明明就是貨真價實的 拉丁裔女性, 這點卻似乎不重要。
Anyway, I didn't get the job. I didn't get a lot of the jobs people were willing to see me for: the gang-banger's girlfriend, the sassy shoplifter, pregnant chola number two.
總之,我沒拿到那個角色。 很多人希望我扮演的角色, 我都沒有拿到: 少年幫派份子的女友、 蠻橫的商店扒手、 拉美混血孕婦二號。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
These were the kinds of roles that existed for someone like me. Someone they looked at and saw as too brown, too fat, too poor, too unsophisticated. These roles were stereotypes and couldn't have been further from my own reality or from the roles I dreamt of playing. I wanted to play people who were complex and multidimensional, people who existed in the center of their own lives. Not cardboard cutouts that stood in the background of someone else's.
這些角色就是 為我這種人而存在的。 被他們視為是太褐色、太肥胖、 太貧窮、太不精明的人。 這些角色都是刻板印象, 跟我自己的現實相差十萬八千里, 也和我夢想飾演的角色 相差十萬八千里。 我想要演出複雜、多層次的人, 有屬於自己生活的人, 而不是在別人生活裡 當背景中的人型立牌。
But when I dared to say that to my manager -- that's the person I pay to help me find opportunity -- his response was, "Someone has to tell that girl she has unrealistic expectations." And he wasn't wrong. I mean, I fired him, but he wasn't wrong.
但,當我敢這樣 跟我的經紀人說時—— 我的經紀人就是拿我的錢 協助我找到機會的那個人—— 他的回應是: 「得要有人告訴這個女孩, 她的期望很不切實際。」 他並沒有說錯。 我還是開除了他, 但他並沒有說錯。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
(Applause)
(掌聲)
Because whenever I did try to get a role that wasn't a poorly written stereotype, I would hear, "We're not looking to cast this role diversely." Or, "We love her, but she's too specifically ethnic." Or, "Unfortunately, we already have one Latino in this movie." I kept receiving the same message again and again and again. That my identity was an obstacle I had to overcome. And so I thought, "Come at me, obstacle. I'm an American. My name is America. I trained my whole life for this, I'll just follow the playbook, I'll work harder." And so I did, I worked my hardest to overcome all the things that people said were wrong with me. I stayed out of the sun so that my skin wouldn't get too brown, I straightened my curls into submission. I constantly tried to lose weight, I bought fancier and more expensive clothes. All so that when people looked at me, they wouldn't see a too fat, too brown, too poor Latina. They would see what I was capable of. And maybe they would give me a chance.
因為,每當我試著爭取不是 刻板印象又寫得很差的角色時, 我都會聽到: 「我們並沒有打算為這個角色 做多樣性的選角。」 或「我們很喜歡她, 但她的種族太明顯了。」 或「不幸的是,我們這部電影中 已經有一個拉丁美洲裔的人了。」 我一而再再而三地 接收到同樣的訊息。 這個訊息就是:我的身分 是我必須要克服的障礙。 所以,我心想: 「放馬過來吧,障礙。 我是美國人。我的名字 叫艾美莉卡(美國)。 我一生都在為此做準備, 我要照著遊戲規則來玩, 我會加倍努力。」 所以,我的確這麼做了, 我盡了最大努力 去克服所有別人認為 我有問題的地方。 我不曬太陽,以免 我的皮膚變得太褐色, 我把我的捲髮弄直。 我經常試圖減重, 我買了更炫、更貴的衣服。 都是為了當別人看著我時, 他們看到的不是個太肥胖、 太褐色、太貧窮的拉丁裔女性。 希望這樣他們會看到我的能力。 也許這樣他們就會給我一個機會。
And in an ironic twist of fate, when I finally did get a role that would make all my dreams come true, it was a role that required me to be exactly who I was. Ana in "Real Women Have Curves" was a brown, poor, fat Latina. I had never seen anyone like her, anyone like me, existing in the center of her own life story. I traveled throughout the US and to multiple countries with this film where people, regardless of their age, ethnicity, body type, saw themselves in Ana. A 17-year-old chubby Mexican American girl struggling against cultural norms to fulfill her unlikely dream.
在一次很諷刺的命運轉折中, 我終於得到了能讓 我所有夢想實現的角色, 這個角色需要我 扮演的正是我自己。 在《曲線窈窕非夢事》的安娜 是個褐色皮膚、貧窮、 肥胖的拉丁裔女性。 我從沒看過像她這樣的人, 或像我這樣的人, 擁有自己的人生故事。 配合這部片子,我行遍 美國各地,以及許多國家, 在那裡,不論他們的年紀、 種族、身形的人, 都在安娜身上看見他們自己。 安娜是位豐滿的十七歲 墨西哥裔美國女孩, 努力對抗文化規範, 想要實現不太可能實現的夢想。
In spite of what I had been told my whole life, I saw firsthand that people actually did want to see stories about people like me. And that my unrealistic expectations to see myself authentically represented in the culture were other people’s expectations, too. "Real Women Have Curves" was a critical, cultural and financial success. "Great," I thought, "We did it! We proved our stories have value. Things are going to change now."
不論我跟大家 都是怎麼說我人生的, 我親眼所見, 大家真的想要看我這種人的故事。 而我不切實際的期望是: 希望在文化中看到我真實的 自己被呈現出來, 這期望竟然也是其他人的期望。 《曲線窈窕非夢事》 在評論上、文化上, 和財務上都很成功。 「好極了,」我心想: 「我們辦到了! 我們證明了我們的故事有價值。 現在一切都會改變了。」
But I watched as very little happened. There was no watershed. No one in the industry was rushing to tell more stories about the audience that was hungry and willing to pay to see them.
但我看到的卻是, 沒有什麼改變發生。 沒有分水嶺。 這個產業中沒有人急著 要說出更多這種故事, 那種觀眾渴望看到 且願意花錢去看的故事。
Four years later, when I got to play Ugly Betty, I saw the same phenomenon play out. "Ugly Betty" premiered in the US to 16 million viewers and was nominated for 11 Emmys in its first year.
四年後,我在 《醜女貝蒂》中演出, 我看到同樣的現象上演。 《醜女貝蒂》在美國初次上演時, 有一千六百萬觀影人次, 且第一年就得到了 十一項艾美獎提名。
(Applause)
(掌聲)
But in spite of "Ugly Betty's" success, there would not be another television show led by a Latina actress on American television for eight years. It's been 12 years since I became the first and only Latina to ever win an Emmy in a lead category. That is not a point of pride. That is a point of deep frustration. Not because awards prove our worth, but because who we see thriving in the world teaches us how to see ourselves, how to think about our own value, how to dream about our futures.
但,儘管《醜女貝蒂》很成功, 後來一直都沒有 另一部由拉丁裔女演員 主演的電視影集 出現在美國電視台上, 足足八年之久。 這十二年來, 我是第一個也是 唯一一個拉丁裔女演員 在艾美獎贏得主角的獎項。 那並不讓我感到驕傲, 我感到的是挫折。 並不是因為獎項能證明 我們是值得的, 而是因為我們認定 在這個世界上成功的人, 教導我們如何看待我們自己、 如何思考我們自己的價值, 如何夢想我們的未來。
And anytime I begin to doubt that, I remember that there was a little girl, living in the Swat Valley of Pakistan. And somehow, she got her hands on some DVDs of an American television show in which she saw her own dream of becoming a writer reflected. In her autobiography, Malala wrote, "I had become interested in journalism after seeing how my own words could make a difference and also from watching the "Ugly Betty" DVDs about life at an American magazine."
每當我開始質疑那些時, 我就會回想有個小女孩 住在巴基斯坦斯瓦特山谷。 因為某些原因,她拿到了 一些美國電視節目的 DVD, 在這些節目中,她看見自己 成為作家的夢想被反映出來。 在馬拉拉的自傳中,她寫道: 「我之所以會對新聞感興趣, 是因為看到我自己的 文字能造成不同, 以及看了《醜女貝蒂》DVD 裡面講到在美國雜誌社的生活。
(Applause)
(掌聲)
For 17 years of my career, I have witnessed the power our voices have when they can access presence in the culture. I've seen it. I've lived it, we've all seen it. In entertainment, in politics, in business, in social change. We cannot deny it -- presence creates possibility. But for the last 17 years, I've also heard the same excuses for why some of us can access presence in the culture and some of us can't. Our stories don't have an audience, our experiences won't resonate in the mainstream, our voices are too big a financial risk.
在我十七年的職涯中, 我見證過,當我們的聲音 能夠進入到文化中時, 會有多強大的力量。 我見識過。 我經歷過,我們都見識過。 在娛樂中、在政治中、 在商業中、在社會改變中。 我們無法否認—— 存在就會創造出可能性。 但,在過去十七年間, 我也聽到了同樣的藉口, 解釋為什麼我們有些人 能夠進入文化中, 有些人則不能。 我們的故事沒有觀眾, 我們的經歷在主流中得不到共鳴, 我們的聲音是太高的財務風險。
Just a few years ago, my agent called to explain to me why I wasn't getting a role in a movie. He said, "They loved you and they really, really do want to cast diversely, but the movie isn't financeable until they cast the white role first." He delivered the message with a broken heart and with a tone that communicated, "I understand how messed up this is." But nonetheless, just like hundreds of times before, I felt the tears roll down my face. And the pang of rejection rise up in me and then the voice of shame scolding me, "You are a grown woman, stop crying over a job." I went through this process for years of accepting the failure as my own and then feeling deep shame that I couldn't overcome the obstacles.
幾年前,我的經紀人打電話給我, 向我解釋我為什麼沒有 拿到一部電影的角色。 他說:「他們很喜歡妳, 他們真的真的希望 能做多樣化的選角, 但在他們要先幫白人角色找到人選 之後,才會有錢拍這部片。」 他傳達這個訊息時,心都碎了, 他的調語彷彿在說 「我知道這有多鳥」。 但,仍然,就像過去的 數百次經歷一樣, 我感覺到眼淚沿著臉頰滑落。 我內心受到被拒絕的痛苦煎熬, 接著,羞恥的聲音開始責罵我: 「妳是成年女子了, 別再為一份工作哭泣。」 我花了數年才走過這個過程: 接受我自己的失敗, 接著因為我無法克服障礙 而感到很深的羞恥。
But this time, I heard a new voice. A voice that said, "I'm tired. I've had enough." A voice that understood my tears and my pain were not about losing a job. They were about what was actually being said about me. What had been said about me my whole life by executives and producers and directors and writers and agents and managers and teachers and friends and family. That I was a person of less value.
但這一次,我聽見了新聲音。 這個聲音說:「我累了。 我受夠了。」 這個聲音了解 我會流淚、我會痛苦 都不是因為失掉了工作。 真正的原因是別人說的 那些話,關於我的話, 我一生中聽到那些關於我的話。 這些話來自監製、製片、 導演、編劇、經紀人、經理、 老師、朋友、家人。 他們說我這個人的價值比較低。
I thought sunscreen and straightening irons would bring about change in this deeply entrenched value system. But what I realized in that moment was that I was never actually asking the system to change. I was asking it to let me in, and those aren't the same thing. I couldn't change what a system believed about me, while I believed what the system believed about me. And I did. I, like everyone around me, believed that it wasn't possible for me to exist in my dream as I was. And I went about trying to make myself invisible. What this revealed to me was that it is possible to be the person who genuinely wants to see change while also being the person whose actions keep things the way they are. And what it's led me to believe is that change isn't going to come by identifying the good guys and the bad guys. That conversation lets us all off the hook. Because most of us are neither one of those.
我以為防曬乳和燙直頭髮 能夠為這個根深蒂固的 價值系統帶來改變。 但在那一刻,我領悟到, 我從來就不是在 要求這個系統改變。 我是在要求它讓我進入, 這是不一樣的。 我無法改變系統相信 我是什麼樣子, 倘若我相信我就是 系統相信的那個樣子。 我確實這樣。 我和我身邊的所有人一樣, 相信我不可能用我真實的樣貌 去實現我的夢想。 而我試著讓我自己隱形。 這讓我了解到的是,的確有可能 成為一個真正想要看見改變的人, 同時行為上卻仍然讓一切照舊。 它讓我相信,找出誰是好人、 誰是壞人並不會帶來改變。 那樣的談話是讓我們所有人脫身。 因為我們大部分人 既不是好人也不是壞人。
Change will come when each of us has the courage to question our own fundamental values and beliefs. And then see to it that our actions lead to our best intentions. I am just one of millions of people who have been told that in order to fulfill my dreams, in order to contribute my talents to the world I have to resist the truth of who I am. I for one, am ready to stop resisting and to start existing as my full and authentic self.
改變會到來, 當我們每個人都有勇氣 去質疑我們自己的 基礎價值和信念。 接著確保我們的行為 會導致我們最好的意圖。 我只是一個人,還有數百萬人 也曾經被告知過, 如果要實現夢想, 如果要將自己的才華貢獻給世界, 就必須要抗拒真實的自己。 我就已經準備好要停止抗拒, 開始扮演最完整、最真實的自我。
If I could go back and say anything to that nine-year-old, dancing in the den, dreaming her dreams, I would say, my identity is not my obstacle. My identity is my superpower. Because the truth is, I am what the world looks like. You are what the world looks like. Collectively, we are what the world actually looks like. And in order for our systems to reflect that, they don't have to create a new reality. They just have to stop resisting the one we already live in.
如果我能夠回到過去, 對那位在書齋跳舞、 懷抱自己夢想的九歲孩子說話, 我會說: 我的身分不是我的障礙。 我的身分是我的超能力。 因為,真相是, 我就是世界看起來的樣子。 你就是世界看起來的樣子。 我們大家就是世界看起來的樣子。 要讓我們的系統能反映出這一點, 它們不需要創造出新的現實。 它們必須要停止抗拒我們 已經身在其中的那個現實。
Thank you.
謝謝。
(Applause)
(掌聲)