I want to die at sunset. I want to watch the sky change and turn orange and pink and purple as day dies into night. I want to hear the wind fluttering through the leaves and smell very faintly, nag champa amber incense, but very faintly, because scent can be tough on a dying body. I want to die with socks on my feet because I get cold. And if I die with a bra on, I'm coming to haunt everybody.
我想在日落時去世。 我想看著天色變化, 由橘黃變成粉紅、紫色, 隨著白日逝去,轉為黑夜。 我想聽到風從樹葉間掠過, 聞到琥珀草本線香的 淡淡香味,香味很淡, 因為香氣對垂死的身體 可能會造成負擔。 我想在離世時穿著襪子, 因為我容易覺得冷。 不過,如果我死的時候 還穿著胸罩,我會回來鬧鬼。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
I will terrorize you and that is a threat, OK?
我會回來嚇你, 這是個恐嚇,知道嗎?
I want to die in my own bed, at my own home, with my loved ones nearby who are talking amongst themselves and comforting each other for this very big thing that's about to happen in their lives. I want to die with all my affairs in order so my loved ones have nothing to worry about but their grief after I die. I want to die empty, devoid of all of the skill, gift, talent and light that I carry in this body and satiated, full of the richness of this one unique human ride. And when my loved ones notice that I have released my last breath, I want them to clap. I want them to clap because I died well, but I died well only because I lived well.
我想死在自己的床上, 在自己的家裡, 身邊有我所愛的人, 他們會互相交談,安慰彼此, 因為對他們的生活來說, 重大事件即將發生。 我希望在離世前把所有的事務安排好, 這樣我摯愛的人在我去世後 就不用擔心其他事情, 只需面對他們的悲傷。 我想空孓一身地死去, 剝去我身上所有的技能、 天賦和光芒, 滿足地帶著這個獨特 人生旅程的豐富經驗。 當我所愛的人注意到 我已經呼出最後一口氣時, 我希望他們鼓掌。 我希望他們鼓掌,因為我好死, 但我好死,只因為我活得好。
Now, will it happen this way? Probably not. Realistically, I mean, even with all this rah-rah death talk I talk, I'm probably going to go kicking and screaming.
情形會是如此嗎? 可能不會。 實際上,即使我口口聲聲談著死亡, 我可能還是會掙扎著不願離世。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
Unless we choose, the date, place, manner and time of our death will remain a mystery. Then why think about it at all? Death creates context for our lives. My entire life is leading up until that point. How we die creates the period at the end of the sentence, but it is the period that makes it a sentence at all.
除非我們能選擇, 否則我們的死亡日期、地點、 方式和時間,終將是個謎。 那麼,為什麼要想這個問題呢? 死亡為我們的生活創造了背景。 我的一生都在走向那一刻。 死亡的樣貌決定了句子的結束, 有了句點,句子才會完整。
Imagine for a moment your 847th birthday. OK, try. I mean, you're probably pushing 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 in this room. Imagine 847 of them. So you’re sitting there and your body is raggedy. Because unless they cure aging, I promise you, you do not want to be immortal. I promise, you're going to be begging for death. So it's your 847th birthday. Here they come with a cake. No candles on it, because it would burn the house down. And now here they come, singing that same tired song. "Happy birthday to you," you would be so over it. And if it was a Stevie Wonder version, that song is already 45 minutes long, you'd be extra over it.
想像一下你的 847 歲生日。 來吧,試想一下。 在場的大家可能已經快到 30、40、50、60、70歲了。 想像 847 個生日。 你坐在那裡,身體已經衰敗了。 除非衰老能被治癒, 否則我保證,你不會想要永生。 我保證,你會乞求死亡。 好,這是你的第 847 個生日。 有人端蛋糕來。 上面不能放蠟燭,否則房子會被燒掉。 一群人一起唱著那首熟悉的歌。 「祝你生日快樂!」 但你已經對生日煩透了。 如果是史提夫·汪達的版本, 這首歌就有 45 分鐘長, 你更覺得厭世。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
Nobody wants that. We count birthdays now because they're finite. They're special. They mark the passage of time, and one day, we won't have any more time. And I find that to be a really useful fact. I think it's healthy for us to think about our death.
沒有人喜歡這樣。 我們現在會過生日 是因為生日是有限的, 是特別的。 它們標誌著時間的流逝。 而總有一天,我們不再擁有時間。 我發現這是一個很有用的事實。 我認為思考死亡對我們是有益的。
And you might say, of course I do, because I'm a death doula. I wanted us to embrace thinking about our mortality. I spend a lot of time thinking about, talking about, helping people prepare and teaching death doulas. Death doulas offer non-medical and holistic care for the dying person, the circle of support and the community through the process.
你可能會想,當然囉, 因為我是一個臨終陪伴員啊。 過去,我希望人們能夠 欣然接受有關死亡的思考。 我花了很多時間思索、 談論、幫助人們做好準備, 並培訓臨終陪伴員。 臨終陪伴員為臨終者、支持圈和社區 提供非醫療及整體照護。
I want to acknowledge first what a privilege it is for people to be able to know about and afford and hire a death doula. We're working on it. And next, what a privilege it is for me to even be able to imagine my own death. It says that I have a sense of safety. My basic bodily needs are met. And I have safety in my body, my mind and in my life, even despite the skin I wear.
首先,我知道, 能夠了解並擁有、且請得起 臨終陪伴員是優渥的恩典。 我們正在致力改善這一點。 第二,我知道有能力想像 自己的死亡也是特別的恩典。 這表示我有安全感。 我的基本生理需求得到滿足。 儘管我的膚色,我的身體、 心靈和生活中都感到安全。
That wasn't always the case. I came to this work by serendipity, by circumstance, but mostly by necessity. A little over ten years ago, I was practicing law at the Legal Aid Foundation of Los Angeles, and I grew depressed. Not like, "Oh my God, I'm so depressed," but like, for real depressed, like, "can't get out of bed" depressed, "can't shower" depressed, can't find hope, "can find a smile, but can't really find joy," type of depressed. I took a medical leave of absence, so I went to Cuba, and I met a woman there, a fellow traveler on the bus, who had uterine cancer. We spent the 14-hour bus ride talking about her life and also her death. And it was a highly illuminating conversation. I heard firsthand how hard it was for her to even be able to talk about her fears around mortality and her disease because people censored their own discomfort with mortality rather than make space for her. I took the invitation, however, to think about my mortality and looked at my life from the perspective of my death for the very first time. And it was grim, I did not like what I saw. I noticed then that I had to live life on my own terms because I was the only one who was going to have to contend with all the choices that I'd made at my death.
情況並非總是如此。 我從事這項工作是出於偶然, 出於環境,但更多地出於必要。 十多年前, 我在洛杉磯法律援助基金會工作, 我陷入憂鬱。 不是一般的憂鬱, 而是真正的憂鬱,無法起床, 無法洗澡,感到無望, 無法微笑,找不到 真正喜悅的那種憂鬱。 我請了長期病假,去了古巴。 在巴士上,我遇到了一個女子, 她患有子宮癌。 14 個小時的巴士旅程中, 我們聊她的生活,也談她的死亡。 那是一次非常有啟發性的對話。 我親耳聽到她說,多麼難以開口 去談論她對死亡和疾病的恐懼, 因為對死亡的不安 讓人們對此略而不談, 而非為她留下餘裕。 那時我接受她的啟發, 開始思考我的死亡, 首次從死亡的角度看待我的生活。 我看到了令人沮喪的畫面, 我不喜歡這個畫面。 那時我意識到, 我必須依自己的主張生活, 因為在死亡時,我得獨自 面對我所做的一切決定。
Not long after I came back from Cuba, my brother-in-law, Peter Saint John, became ill. And not too long after that, they couldn't cure him anymore. So I went to New York, where he and my sister and my niece were, and along with Peter's family and my family and his friends, we ushered him to the end of his life.
從古巴回來後不久, 我的姐夫彼得·聖約翰就生病了。 很快地,他的病無法醫治。 所以我去了紐約, 和他、我妹妹和侄女一起, 以及彼得的家人、 我的家人和他的朋友, 我們陪伴他走到生命的盡頭。
Being present for Peter's death is one of the greatest gifts I've ever been given. Not only did I get to care for somebody who I loved so dearly, but it also grew my capacity for compassion. I knew, intellectually, that there were thousands of other people that were walking through the same thing at the same time. And it also hinted at the things that I've been talking about in Cuba. Everybody was uncomfortable with the fact that he was going to die, even the medical care team. I knew that there should be somebody, somebody who was there, somebody who could be with us to walk alongside us. Somebody who could listen to us, offer resources, hold our hands, hold our hearts, bear witness to our pain, help us sort through information, tell us that we were doing the best that we could with the worst that we were dealt. But I couldn't find anybody. So I became that someone for other people.
在旁陪伴彼得去世 是我得到的最重要的禮物之一。 我不僅有機會照顧我如此深愛的人, 這也滋長了我的慈悲心。 我知道,從理智上講, 有成千上萬的人 在同一時間走過同樣的路。 這也暗指我剛提的古巴例子所說的點。 每個人都對他將死的事實感到不安, 甚至醫療團隊也是如此。 我知道應該有人在那裡陪伴, 有人可以陪同我們度過。 有人可以傾聽我們,提供資源, 握著我們的手,撫慰我們的心靈, 見證我們的痛苦,幫助我們釐清資訊, 告訴我們,在最壞的情況下, 我們已盡了最大的努力。 但我找不到這樣的人。 因此,我成為了那個人, 為其他人提供這樣的協助。
I sit deep in the trench with folks as they prepare for death. There's no fixing or saving anything because there's no fixing or saving grief or death. It just is, I meet people where they are at. My goal is to help them answer the question: "What must I do to be at peace with myself so that I may live presently and die gracefully, holding both at the same time?"
當人們準備面對死亡時, 我和他們一起坐在戰壕深處。 不需要去修補或拯救什麼, 因為哀傷、死亡無以修補或拯救。 我只是以人們當下的狀態, 如實與他們相會, 我的目標是幫助他們回答這個問題: 「我應該怎麼做才能找到平靜, 讓我活在當下,優雅面對死亡, 兩者兼顧?」
When I'm thinking about my present life from the vantage point of my graceful death, I can see very clearly who I want to be, how I want to spend my time and what of me I'll leave behind. It allows me to consciously curate my life right now and also figure out my little "whys" right now. Because what are we waiting for, anyway? Like, death?
當我從優雅死亡的角度 考量我現在的生活時, 我清楚知道,我想成為怎樣的人, 如何使用我的時間, 以及,我要留下什麼。 這讓我能有意識地 精心策劃現在的生活, 並找出我現在的小小的目的。 因為,不然我們還在等什麼呢? 死亡嗎?
I used to think dying people had it all figured out, though. I used to think that they'd lay there with their hands like this because we all know this is like, universal dying person pose. So they'd lay there with their hands like this, and there'd be a little glimmer in their eye, they'd be like, "Oh, yes, finally, it all makes sense." Turns out it's not like that at all, it doesn't look like that. Hollywood has lied to us, we know that already. Cinderella was unconscionable, but this is just flagrant. It's not like that at all. It's way too much work to be doing while you're dying. So it doesn't look like that, there's no secret, there's nothing magically you'll find out then. This is it, there's nothing to figure out, no big secret at all. Many of my clients also reached the end of their lives wishing that they had more time. But I'm always curious, more time for what? What else would they do with the time that they had? It's rarely to go see Machu Picchu, OK, I'll tell you that.
我曾以為臨終的人全盤了解人生, 我以為他們會這樣,把手放在這裡, 因為我們都知道 這是臨終者的共同姿勢。 所以他們把手這樣放著, 眼中閃現一絲光芒, 他們會說:「哦,是的, 終於,一切都說得通。」 結果事實並非如此, 看起來並不是這樣的。 好萊塢一直在騙我們, 這一點我們已經知道。 灰姑娘的故事不合情理, 但這個更是公然的謊言。 根本不是那樣的。 當你快要死的時候, 要做的事實在是太多了。 所以看起來不是那樣的, 不會有什麼秘密, 也不會有什麼神奇的發現。 就只是這樣,沒什麼了悟, 也沒什麼大秘密。 我的許多客戶到了生命盡頭時, 會希望自己能有更多的時間。 但我總是很好奇, 要更多的時間做什麼? 他們會用剩下的時間做什麼? 我可以告訴你,很少是去看馬丘比丘。
Can I tell you a story? OK, so this client is a composite, very many clients shoved together because as juicy as their stories are, it's not my responsibility or job to tell them. So this is many clients together, and I find that it's an easy composite to make because it's universally applicable. This applies whether or not somebody has worked their entire life or sits on a big trust fund or works three jobs to keep the lights on. You might find bits of yourself in this story. This client is somebody who had a decent amount of privilege, but not without adversity, of course, because she's human. She had a great job, great career, had been a real trailblazer. Kids who she loved, who she was proud of, good friends, traveled a bunch, did a bunch of great things in her life, had plenty of romance and love. She was doing OK. The girl who had everything.
我可以講個故事嗎? 好,這個客戶是綜合體, 很多客戶的故事合併在一起, 儘管他們的個別故事 引人入勝,但我無權講述。 我要說的是很多客戶的綜合體, 我發現這組合得來不費力, 因為這個故事是普遍適用的。 無論你是否一輩子都在工作, 或者坐擁龐大的信託基金、 還是兼三份工作來糊口,這都適用。 你或許會在這故事中找到自己的影子。 這位客戶擁有相當多的優渥條件, 當然,並非沒有逆境,因為她是人。 她有份很棒的工作,傑出的職涯, 是一位真正的開拓者。 她有深愛的孩子,以他們為豪, 她有摯友,也周遊世界, 一生中做了很多了不起的事情, 擁有豐富的情史和愛情。 她過得還不錯。 是個擁有一切的女孩。
And then came a plot twist. That plot twist was an aggressive bone cancer that was likely going to kill her. And with that plot twist came a sense of pointlessness to her life. She couldn’t figure out what she’d been doing for the past 60-odd years because she'd been so busy doing. While she was healthy, it was about the next career milestone or what's happening with the kids next or the next trip. When she was sick, more of the same. Next doctor's appointment, next scan, next medication. She was so busy distracting herself from like, the difficulty that she found in her life, staying out of her body so that she didn't have to be present with what was going on. It was always out there, she was always looking out there. But death was coming to remind her that she had no more "out theres." That it was always only right here, where there is nothing at all to do but simply to be.
然後,劇情發生了轉折。 這轉折來自一種侵襲性骨癌, 極可能奪走她的性命。 因為這個逆轉, 她的生活變得毫無意義。 她搞不清這六十多年來 自己到底在做什麼, 因為她實在是太忙了。 健康的時候, 她關注的是下一個職涯里程碑, 孩子的下一步發展, 或者下一次旅行。 當她生病時,情況更是如此。 下一次約診、下一次掃描、 下一次藥物治療。 她總是忙於轉移注意力, 逃避她在生活中遇到的困難, 忽視身體狀況, 這樣她就不必面對眼前發生的事情。 她的關注總是在外面,總是向外看。 但死亡的到來提醒她, 她已經不再有「外面的世界」了。 世界一直就在這裡, 除了存在之外, 沒有什麼可做的。
We zoomed out on her life to look at what she enjoyed, to see where she placed value, because from there we can figure out where we place meaning. And it turns out it wasn't about the kids or the work or the money. It was about the little things. Her hands in the soil. Her garden. Building a fire, reading books and food. She loved to eat, but she had dieted most of her adult life. The sound at all familiar to anybody? OK, if it does, this is for you, OK? If you take nothing away, hear this: you are going to die, so please eat the cake. Eat the cake, order the dessert, eat the french fries, eat the brownies. Eat everything you want to, just eat it, because you're going to die. One day, you won't be able to anymore.
我們放大觀察她的生活, 看看她喜歡什麼, 看看她賦予價值的地方, 因為在那裡,我們可以找到意義所在。 結果發現,這與孩子、 工作或金錢都無關。 這關乎小事情。 她的手埋在土壤中。 她的花園。 生火、讀書和食物。 她喜歡吃東西, 但她成年期的大部分時間都在節食。 這每個人聽起來都覺得熟悉嗎? 如果是,以下的話送給你,好嗎? 假如你還沒得到啟發,聽著: 你將會死去,所以吃蛋糕吧! 吃蛋糕,點甜點, 吃薯條,吃布朗尼蛋糕。 想吃什麼就吃什麼,因為你將會死去。 總有一天,你無法再這樣做。
At this point in her disease process, chemotherapy had ravaged her taste buds, so she had to rely on her sense of smell to get pleasure out of eating. And she ate. She did it as much as she could because she knew she wouldn't be able to for much longer. She ate as much as cancer would allow, and when her body could no longer process food, we placed her favorite passion fruit soufflé right on her lip, and she would lick it and smile. She lived more in the last eight months or so of her life with the help of hospice than she had before. She was finally present, at home in her body, delighting in the richness of the sensory experience we have by virtue of these fantastical bodies that we will die in. These bodies that we will die in.
在她患病的某個階段, 化療摧殘了她的味蕾, 所以她必須依靠嗅覺 來獲得進食的愉悅感。 她吃了。 她盡量多吃, 因為她知道自己很快 就無法再這樣做了。 她盡可能吃了許多癌症允許的食物, 當她的身體再也無法消化食物時, 我們將她最愛的百香果蛋奶酥 放在她的嘴唇上, 她會舔著它微笑。 在她生命的最後八個月左右, 通過臨終關懷的協助, 她過得比以前更加充實。 她終於活在當下,自在感受身體, 享受著所擁有的豐富感官體驗, 就在這即將逝去的奇妙身體裏。 我們也將在這樣的身體裏死去。
She was also really curious about her legacy. What, if anything, she'd leave behind. But leaving a legacy isn't optional. We're doing it every single day. You're doing it with every smile, every word, every kind word, every harsh word, every action, every inaction, every dollar you spend. You're telling the people who are paying attention exactly who you are, and that is what they'll tell of you when you are gone. At her funeral, despite all of her career accomplishments, nobody talked about any of that. They talked about who she was, nobody cared about what she'd done. When we focus on our productivity, we highlight what we have to do to feel worthy, rather than who we get to be, where worthiness is our birthright and we are human.
同時,她也很好奇她的遺澤。 如果有的話,她會留下什麼。 但留下什麼遺澤並由不得你選擇。 我們每天都留下些什麼。 你的每一次微笑、 每一句話、每一句 友善話語、嚴厲言詞、 每一個行動、每一個不作為、 你花出的每一分錢, 都在告訴那些注意到的人 你的為人, 當你離世,他們就會這樣講述你。 在她的葬禮上, 儘管她有許多職業成就, 但沒有人談論這些。 他們談論的是她的為人, 沒有人在乎她的成就。 當我們專注於生產力時, 我們強調必須做事才感到有價值, 而不是我們可以成為的樣貌; 然而我們與生俱來就有價值, 我們生而為人。
(Applause)
(掌聲)
We're human. Messily, magically, fantastically, beautifully, briefly, perfectly human. Now humans are meaning-making machines. We can make a story out of anything and make it sound good. So why not then make meaning out of the magic of the mundane? And absolve ourselves of the responsibility of trying to have some grand life purpose? Why not just give ourselves permission to be fully human, to be fallible, to be messy, to be here while we're here? I mean, is nobody else tripping out over the fact that we're on a giant blue rock spinning through space? Y'all don't trip about that, because I do regularly.
我們是人。 我們有缺陷,是神奇、美妙、 優雅、短暫、 十足的人類。 人類是創造意義的機器。 我們可以將任何事情說成故事, 而且是好聽的故事。 那麼,何不為平凡的魔力賦予意義呢? 何不免除我們必須努力實現 某種宏偉人生目標的責任呢? 何不允許自己成為一個完整的人, 允許自己犯錯,允許自己混亂, 讓我們在這裡的時候,就在當下? 我是說,你們不會因為 我們就住在太空中旋轉的 藍色巨石上而深感驚訝嗎? 你們都不覺得?我倒是常感到訝異。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
And then what really trips me out is that while that's going on, we're getting bent out of shape over traffic. Please let the cars merge, OK? Can we agree universally we're going to let people merge? Let them merge, let them merge. Let them merge. It requires nothing of you, just to give them a little bit of time. And in fact, it's probably taking more time off your life by all the high blood pressure when you don't want to let them merge. Just let them in, it'll be fine, everybody's fine, it's OK. Hold life lightly. We've got to hold life really, really lightly. We are all dying. We're all dying.
真正讓我困惑的是, 當這一切奇蹟發生時, 我們卻只因塞車而感到沮喪。 拜託,讓車輛匯入,好嗎? 我們可以達成共識, 讓別人匯入車道嗎? 讓他們匯入,讓他們匯入。 不需要你付出什麼, 只需給他們一點時間。 事實上,當你不想讓別人匯車時, 你可能因為高血壓而付出更多時間。 就讓他們匯入吧!沒問題的, 每個人都好,沒關係。 輕輕地把握生活。 我們得非常非常輕鬆地對待生活。 我們都會死的。 我們都會死的。
Now I can understand why people maybe don't want to talk about death or think about it. It's uncomfortable. It's sad, it's scary, icky. Acknowledging your death means that you are not the center of the story, and that is disquieting to the very fragile human ego. Acknowledging your mortality also means acknowledging our powerlessness and lack of control we have in life. Also icky. It also means surrendering to the big "I don't knows" of life and also the really big "I don't knows" of "what, if anything, happens after we die?" But since we don't know, why not imagine something absurd, something glorious, something huge? A vision that actually serves you rather than makes you want to recoil in fear. We could.
我可以理解為什麼人們 不想談論或想到死亡。 死亡令人不安。 死亡很悲傷、可怕、噁心。 認知到自己會死,意味著 你不是故事的中心, 對脆弱的人類自我來說, 這令人不安。 承認自己的有限性也意味著 承認我們在生活中 無能為力,也缺乏控制。 同樣令人討厭。 這也意味著向生活中「我不知道」 和「我們死後,會發生什麼事 (如果有的話)」 這兩個巨大的未知領域臣服。 不過,既然我們不知道, 為什麼不想像某些荒謬、 光榮、盛大的情況呢? 一個真正對你有益的願景, 不會讓你因恐懼而退縮。 我們可以做到。
You want to hear my working theory? It's absurd, OK? And please remember, even though I might kind of look like Miss Cleo, I don't know anything about what happens after we die, alright? This is just an idea, OK. So I'm on my deathbed. On the outside, they are clapping. On the inside -- well, I've hit my death pose, all right? I'm in my death pose. On the inside, I'm starting to feel everything I ever felt in this body, all at the same time. It's all starting to gather up in my body all at the same time. Like that one time I was 11 and I stepped on a frog. I mean, poor frog, and I felt so bad, but I was barefoot, ew, like, I can still feel it squishing up between my toes. Yuck.
想聽聽我的初步假想嗎? 滿荒謬的,可以嗎? 請記住,即使我看起來 有點像通靈者克萊奧小姐, 我對死後會發生什麼事 一無所知,好嗎? 這只是一個想法。好的。 我在臨終病榻上, 外面,人們在鼓掌。 在裡面,我已經擺出死亡姿勢,好嗎? 我擺出臨終的姿勢。 在內心深處, 我開始感受到我在這個身體 所經歷的一切情感 同時湧上心頭。 這些情感同時在我的身體中匯聚。 比如,11 歲的時候 我踩到一隻青蛙。 可憐的青蛙,我很過意不去, 不過,我那時候光著腳,噁, 我仍然可以感覺到 牠在我的腳趾間擠壓的感覺。 噁心。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
When you bite into an orange and the juice squirts into your mouth, and then there's the little bite in your jaw, there's a little bite in your jaw because it's sour. Or when you first bite into a fried plantain. Or getting into clean sheets, that feeling gathering in my body, all the feelings, getting into a hot shower, listening to a song that you love for the very first time, I'm hearing Stevie Wonder "As" playing, how I feel my spirit when I see the color yellow. Just all these feelings are starting to roll up in my body. My niece’s laughter, my nephew trying to teach me how to Dougie. It did not go well. It didn't go well, I still don't know how to do it. How I can look into my partner's eyes and just by looking into his eyes, I can feel love in my body. All these feelings are starting to gather up in my body.
咬一口柳橙時, 果汁噴進嘴裡, 然後下顎感覺有點刺刺的, 因為柳橙是酸的。 或咬第一口炸熟的芭蕉、 躺在乾淨的床單上, 這些感覺湧現在我的身體裏, 所有的感受,踏入熱水淋浴, 第一次聽那首鍾愛的歌曲, 我聽到史提夫·汪達的 《As》歌曲在播放, 看到黃色時,我能感受到我的靈魂。 所有感覺開始在我的身體裡湧動。 我侄女的笑聲, 外甥試著教我跳道吉舞。 我學得不太好。 進展得不順利, 我仍然不知道怎麼跳。 當我看著我伴侶的眼睛, 只要看著他的眼睛, 我就能在身體裏感受到愛。 所有感受都開始在體內湧現。
At the same time, I'm also feeling every little bit of pain I've ever felt physically and emotionally. I'm feeling all the sensations, I'm feeling anger, feeling rage, feeling frustration, feeling grief, feeling sadness, feeling all those things gathering up in my body. I'm feeling despair, desperation, sadness. I'm feeling insecurity. All the crippling doubt, I'm feeling all the failures, all the disappointments. Every single time I thought I couldn't make it through the day, It's all starting to gather up in my body. I'm also remembering every single time I did get up. So I'm also feeling all the hope, all the joy, all the awe, all the mystery, all the freedom that I feel in this body.
與此同時,我也感受到 身體和情感上 曾感受過的每一點痛苦。 我感受到所有的情緒, 感受到氣憤、暴怒、 挫折、哀悼、悲傷, 這些感覺都在我的身體裏匯聚。 我感受到絕望、渴求、悲傷。 我感到缺乏信心。 令人動彈不得的自我懷疑, 我感受到許多失敗,許多失望。 每當我以為自己無法撐過這一天時, 這一切都開始在我體內湧現。 我也記得每一次我都重新站起來。 所以我也感受到 感受過的所有希望, 所有的喜悅,所有的驚奇, 所有的神秘,所有的自由。
But most of all, I'm also feeling all of the love, all the aching love that underwrites it all. And when I cannot take it anymore, I am saturated with this experience that I've had, poof, I explode into a cosmic orgasm.
但最重要的是,我也感受到所有的愛, 支撐著一切的渴求的愛。 當我再也無法容納, 這一切感受達到飽和, 蹦一聲,我爆開,成為宇宙性高潮。
Audience: Yes!
觀眾:是的!
AA: Yes. And like a pinata that's broken open, pieces of glitter start to fall from the sky. Glitter confetti, falling, falling. Orange, pink, purple, yellow, turquoise, everything. Gold, silver, falling, falling, falling, like a really soft snow shower. Falling everywhere. In larger concentrations on the people who loved me. And in lesser concentration on those people whose lives I touched. And then the rest of it just gets reabsorbed into a big undulating glitter wave that goes on all around as far as I can see, for all of eternity that envelops and encompasses us all. Maybe it's just glitter. Could it be? It could be anything. All I know is at that point, all I believe is at that point, when the glitter, all the pieces of me have been reencompassed, the I that I think of myself as, Alua Adwoba Arthur, having this one single solitary human experience, has been reenveloped into all that ever was and all that ever will be, And it is complete. And I am safe.
AA:是的。 就像破開的皮納塔一樣, 閃閃發光的碎片開始從天而降。 閃閃發光的五彩紙屑,飄落,飄落。 橙色、粉色、紫色、黃色、 綠松石色,應有盡有。 金色、銀色,飄落、飄落、飄落, 就像輕柔的雪花飄落。 無處不在地飄落。 在愛我的人身上,數量多一些。 在我生活中接觸的人身上, 數量少一點。 然後剩下的就被重新吸收到 一個巨大、起伏不定的閃爍波浪中, 在我所見的範圍內, 永遠包圍著我們所有人。 也許這只是閃亮粉。 可能嗎? 可以是任何東西。 我所知道的是, 在那一刻,我所相信的是, 在閃亮彩紙、我的每個碎片 都被重新包容之後, 我所認為的自己, 阿魯亞·亞瑟, 這個獨一無二的人類經歷, 已經被重新融入了所有曾經存在 和即將存在的一切中, 成為整體。 我很安全。
I am still far from where I was in Cuba. At that point, my death would have come as a relief. An ending to my pain and to my suffering and a way out of this life that I couldn't quite figure out how to get into. If I'm to die today, I know that my death will come as a celebration. As a culmination of a life lived in and loved. A life that's worth dying from.
我已離古巴那個時候的我很遠。 在那個時候,死亡會為我帶來解脫, 代表我的痛苦和磨難的結束, 也是我的出路,擺脫 那我不知如何融入的生命。 如果我今天死去, 我知道我的死亡將成為一場慶祝, 是已然好好活過、愛過的生命頂點, 是值得為之而死的生命。
After the last decade spent supporting people as they think through their lives and prepare for their death, I know, I trust that the real gift in being with our mortality is the sheer wonder that we live at all.
過去十年來,我一直在支持人們 思考生活並為死亡做準備。 我知道, 我相信,與死亡共存的真正禮物 是活著的這個純粹奇蹟。
That's all I got. Thank you.
這就是我想分享給你的。 謝謝。
(Cheers and applause)
(歡呼聲和掌聲)