I'd like to talk to you today about a whole new way to think about sexual activity and sexuality education, by comparison. If you talk to someone today in America about sexual activity, you'll find pretty soon you're not just talking about sexual activity. You're also talking about baseball. Because baseball is the dominant cultural metaphor that Americans use to think about and talk about sexual activity, and we know that because there's all this language in English that seems to be talking about baseball but that's really talking about sexual activity. So, for example, you can be a pitcher or a catcher, and that corresponds to whether you perform a sexual act or receive a sexual act. Of course, there are the bases, which refer to specific sexual activities that happen in a very specific order, ultimately resulting in scoring a run or hitting a home run, which is usually having vaginal intercourse to the point of orgasm, at least for the guy. (Laughter) You can strike out, which means you don't get to have any sexual activity. And if you're a benchwarmer, you might be a virgin or somebody who for whatever reason isn't in the game, maybe because of your age or because of your ability or because of your skillset. A bat's a penis, and a nappy dugout is a vulva, or a vagina. A glove or a catcher's mitt is a condom. A switch-hitter is a bisexual person, and we gay and lesbian folks play for the other team. And then there's this one: "if there's grass on the field, play ball." And that usually refers to if a young person, specifically often a young woman, is old enough to have pubic hair, she's old enough to have sex with. This baseball model is incredibly problematic. It's sexist. It's heterosexist. It's competitive. It's goal-directed. And it can't result in healthy sexuality developing in young people or in adults. So we need a new model. I'm here today to offer you that new model. And it's based on pizza. Now pizza is something that is universally understood and that most people associate with a positive experience. So let's do this. Let's take baseball and pizza and compare it when talking about three aspects of sexual activity: the trigger for sexual activity, what happens during sexual activity, and the expected outcome of sexual activity. So when do you play baseball? You play baseball when it's baseball season and when there's a game on the schedule. It's not exactly your choice. So if it's prom night or a wedding night or at a party or if our parents aren't home, hey, it's just batter up. Can you imagine saying to your coach, "Uh, I'm not really feeling it today, I think I'll sit this game out." That's just not the way it happens. And when you get together to play baseball, immediately you're with two opposing teams, one playing offense, one playing defense, somebody's trying to move deeper into the field. That's usually a sign to the boy. Somebody's trying to defend people moving into the field. That's often given to the girl. It's competitive. We're not playing with each other. We're playing against each other. And when you show up to play baseball, nobody needs to talk about what we're going to do or how this baseball game might be good for us. Everybody knows the rules. You just take your position and play the game. But when do you have pizza? Well, you have pizza when you're hungry for pizza. It starts with an internal sense, an internal desire, or a need. "Huh. I could go for some pizza." (Laughter) And because it's an internal desire, we actually have some sense of control over that. I could decide that I'm hungry but know that it's not a great time to eat. And then when we get together with someone for pizza, we're not competing with them, we're looking for an experience that both of us will share that's satisfying for both of us, and when you get together for pizza with somebody, what's the first thing you do? You talk about it. You talk about what you want. You talk about what you like. You may even negotiate it. "How do you feel about pepperoni?" (Laughter) "Not so much, I'm kind of a mushroom guy myself." "Well, maybe we can go half and half." And even if you've had pizza with somebody for a very long time, don't you still say things like, "Should we get the usual?" (Laughter) "Or maybe something a little more adventurous?" Okay, so when you're playing baseball, so if we talk about during sexual activity, when you're playing baseball, you're just supposed to round the bases in the proper order one at a time. You can't hit the ball and run to right field. That doesn't work. And you also can't get to second base and say, "I like it here. I'm going to stay here." No. And also, of course, with baseball, there's, like, the specific equipment and a specific skill set. Not everybody can play baseball. It's pretty exclusive. Okay, but what about pizza? When we're trying to figure out what's good for pizza, isn't it all about what's our pleasure? There are a million different kinds of pizza. There's a million different toppings. There's a million different ways to eat pizza. And none of them are wrong. They're different. And in this case, difference is good, because that's going to increase the chance that we're having a satisfying experience. And lastly, what's the expected outcome of baseball? Well, in baseball, you play to win. You score as many runs as you can. There's always a winner in baseball, and that means there's always a loser in baseball. But what about pizza? Well, in pizza, we're not really -- there's no winning. How do you win pizza? You don't. But you do look for, "Are we satisfied?" And sometimes that can be different amounts over different times or with different people or on different days. And we get to decide when we feel satisfied. If we're still hungry, we might have some more. If you eat too much, though, you just feel gross. (Laughter) So what if we could take this pizza model and overlay it on top of sexuality education? A lot of sexuality education that happens today is so influenced by the baseball model, and it sets up education that can't help but produce unhealthy sexuality in young people. And those young people become older people. But if we could create sexuality education that was more like pizza, we could create education that invites people to think about their own desires, to make deliberate decisions about what they want, to talk about it with their partners, and to ultimately look for not some external outcome but for what feels satisfying, and we get to decide that. You may have noticed in the baseball and pizza comparison, under the baseball, it's all commands. They're all exclamation points. But under the pizza model, they're questions. And who gets to answer those questions? You do. I do. So remember, when we're thinking about sexuality education and sexual activity, baseball, you're out. Pizza is the way to think about healthy, satisfying sexual activity, and good, comprehensive sexuality education. Thank you very much for your time. (Applause)
Sot do te doja t'ju flisja rreth nje menyre krejtesisht te re per te menduar rreth aktivitetit seksual dhe edukimit seksual, per krahasim. Nese sot i flet dikujt ne Amerike rreth aktivitetit seksual, do ta kuptosh shume shpejt qe nuk jeni thjesht duke folur rreth aktivitetit seksual. Ju jeni gjithashtu duke folur rreth bejzbollit. Sepse bejzbolli eshte metafora kulturore dominante qe Amerikanet e perdorin per te menduar dhe per te folur rreth aktivitetit seksual, dhe ne e dime kete sepse eshte e gjitha gjuha Angleze qe duket sikur flet rreth bejzbollit por qe ne te vertete eshte duke folur rreth aktivitetit seksual. Keshtu, per shembull, ti mund te jesh "gjuajtes" ose "prites", dhe kjo te korrespodon nese ti kryen nje akt seksual ose merr nje akt seksual. Sigurisht, jane bazat, qe i referohet nje aktiviteti seksual specifik qe zhvillohet sipas nje rregulli specifik, qe perfundimisht rezulton ne shenimin e nje vrapimi (term ne bejsboll) ose duke goditur ne nje vrapim ne shenje, e cila eshte zakonisht kryerja e marrdhenieve vaginale deri ne piken e orgazmes, te pakten per djalin. (Te qeshura) Ti mund te "godasesh jashte" e cila nenkupton qe ti nuk kryeve asnje aktivitet seksual. Dhe nese ju jeni nje qendrues ne stol, mund te jeni nje i virgjer ose dikush qe per cfaredo lloj arsyeje nuk eshte ne loj, ndoshta per shkak te moshes tuaj ose per shkak te aftesise ose per shkak sa te shkathtesise. Nje shkop (bejzbolli) eshte penisi, farkorja piroge eshte vulva ose vagina. Nje doreze ose dorashka sportive e pritesit eshte nje prezervativ. Nje gjuajtes me te dyja duart eshte nje person bi-seksual, dhe ne homoseksualet luajme per skuadren tjeter. Dhe me pas kemi dhe kete: "nese ka bar ne fushe, luaj topin." Dhe kjo zakonisht i referohet nese nje person i ri, zakonisht nje grua e re, eshte e madhe sa duhet per te patur qime pubike, atehere ajo eshte aq e madhe sa duhet per te bere seks me te. Ky model bejzbolli eshte jashtezakonisht problematik. Eshte seksist. Eshte heteroseksist. Eshte konkurrues. Eshte i drejtuar nga qellimet. Dhe kjo nuk mund te sjelli seksualitet te shendoshe te zhvilluar tek njerzit e rinj ose tek te rriturit. Keshtu qe ne na duhet nje model i ri. Une jam sot ketu per t'ju ofruar ate model te ri. Dhe bazohet tek picat. Pica eshte dicka qe eshte e kuptueshme universalisht dhe qe shume njerez e lidhin me nje eksperience pozitive. Keshtu qe le te bejme kete. Le te marrim bejzbollin dhe picat dhe ti krahasojme kur flasim rreth tre pikepamjeve te aktivitetit seksual: treguesit per aktivitet seksual, cfare ndodh gjate aktivitetit seksual, dhe pritshmeria qe del nga aktiviteti seksual. Pra, kur luani ju bejzboll? Ju luani bejzboll kur eshte sezoni i bejzbollit dhe kur eshte nje loje e programuar. Nuk eshte pikerisht zgjedhja juaj. Keshtu qe nese eshte nata e matures ose nata e marteses ose ne nje feste ose prinderit tuaj sjane ne shtepi, hej, thjesht eshte e shenuar. A mund ta imagjinoni ti thoni trajnerit tuaj, "hem, nuk e ndjej sot, keshtu qe mendoj te qendroj jashte loje sot" Kjo nuk eshte menyra se si gjerat ndodhin. Dhe kur ju beheni bashke per te luajtur bejzboll, menjehere ju jeni dy skuadra kundershtare, njera luan ne sulm, tjetra luan ne mbrojte, dikush perpiqet te futet me thelle ne fushe. Kjo zakonisht eshte nje shenje per djalin. Dikush perpiqet te mbroj njerezit qe levizin ne fushe. Kjo i jepet zakonisht vajzave. Eshte konkurrence. Ne nuk jemi duke luajtur me njeri tjetrin. Ne jemi duke luajtur kunder njeri tjetrit. Dhe kur ju mblidheni per te luajtur bejzboll, askush nuk ka nevoje te flasi rreth cfare ne do te bejme ose se si kjo loje bejzbolli do te jete e mire per ne. Gjithsecili i njeh rregullat. Ti thjesht merr pozicionin tend dhe luan lojen. Por kur ne marrim pica? Mire, ti merr pica kur ti je i uritur per pica. Fillon me nje ndjenje te brendeshme, si nje deshire e brendshme, ose nevoje. "hem, une mund te shkoja per pica". (Te qeshura) Dhe sepse eshte nje deshire e brendshme, ne te vertete ne kemi nje ndjesi kontrolli mbi te. Une mund te vendos nese jam i uritur por e di qe nuk eshte koha me e pershtatshme per te ngrene. Dhe kur behemi se bashku me dike per pica, ne nuk konkurrojme me te, ne jemi duke kerkuar per nje eksperience qe te dy ne do te ndajme qe na kenaq qe te dy, dhe kur mblidhesh me dike per pica , cfare eshte gjeja e pare qe beni? Ju flisni rreth saj. Ju flisni rreth asaj cfare ju doni. Ju flisni rreth asaj cka ju pelqeni. Ju madje edhe mund te negocioni. "Si mendon per specat djegesi"? (Te qeshura) "Jo shume, jam pothuajse nje tip i kerpurdhave vete." "Epo, mund ta bejme nje gjysem per gjysem." Dhe nese ke ngrene pica me dike per nje kohe shume te gjate, a nuk thoni serish, "A do porosisim te zakonshmen?" (Te qeshura) "Apo te marrim dicka pak me te guximshme?" Mire, pra kur jeni duke luajtur bejzboll, le te flasim per kohen gjate aktivitetit seksual, tek luan bejzboll, ti thjesht duhet ti cekesh bazat njera pas tjetres me nje rregull te caktuar. Nuk mund ta godasesh topin dhe te vraposh nga e djathta. Nuk funksionon keshtu. Sikunder nuk mund as te shkosh ne bazen e dyte dhe te thuash, "Me pelqeka ketu. Do qendroj ketu." Jo. Dhe gjithashtu, natyrisht, ne bejzboll ka paisje specifike dhe kerkon nje set te caktuar aftesish. Jo gjithkush mund te luaje bejzboll. Eshte mjaft ekskluzive. Mire, po me picen? Teksa perpiqemi te kuptojme se c'ka te mire pica, A nuk i referohemi gjithnje kenaqesise sone? Ka qindra lloje te ndryshme pice. Ka qindra lloje salcash. Dhe ka qindra menyra per te ngrene picen. Asnje prej tyre nuk eshte gabim. Ato jane thjesht ndryshe. Ne kete rast, te qenurit ndryshe ehste mire, sepse kjo rrit shancet per te patur nje pervoje permbushese. Dhe se fudmi, cila eshte pritshmeria e bejzbollit? Ne bejzboll, luhet per te fituar. Shenon sa me shume pike qe te mundesh. Ka gjithnje nje fitimtar ne bejzboll, cka nenkupton se ka gjithnje nje humbes ne bejzboll. Po ne lidhje me picen? Kur flasim per pica, ne nuk jemi-- nuk ka te fituar. Si fitohet ne pica? Nuk fitohet. Por ama kerkojme, "A jeni te kenaqur?" Dhe ndonjehere kjo kenaqesi ndryshon nga koha ne kohe ose nga njeriu ne njeri ose ne dite te ndryshme. Eshte zgjedhja jone per tu ndjere te kenaqur. Nese kemi ende uri, mund te hame nje tjeter cope. Ama, ne rastin kur hame me teper sec duhet, te perzihet. (Te qeshura) Pra, po sikur ta marrim kete modelin e pices dhe ta vendosim mbi edukimin seksual? Nje pjese e mire e edukimit seksual qe behet sot eshte shume i influencuar nga modeli i bejzbollit, dhe jep nje edukim qe nuk ndihmon por prodhon seksualitet jo te shendetshem tek te rinjte. Dhe keta te rinj nje dite behen te moshuar. Por, nese mund te krijojme nje edukim seksual qe eshte me i ngjashem me picen, ne mund te krijojme nje edukim qe i fton njerezit te mendojne per deshirat e tyre, te marrin vendime per ato c'ka duan, te flasin rreth tyre me partneret e tyre, dhe si perfundim te kerkojne jo ndonje perfundim te jashtem por per ate c'ka ndjen kenaqesi, dhe ne e marrim ate vendim. Mund te keni vene re ne krahesimin e bejsbolit dhe pices, ne bejsboll, e gjitha eshte komande. Jane pike pyetje. Por, nen modelin e picave, ato jane pyetje. Po kush i pergjigjet ketyre pyetjeve? Ti. Une. Pra, mbani mend, tek mendoni per edukim seksual dhe aktivitet seksual, bejsboll, jeni jashte. Pica eshte menyra e te menduarit, per aktivitet seksual te kanaqshem dhe te shendetshem, dhe edukimin seksual te mire dhe te kuptueshem. Faleminderit shume per kohen tuaj. (Duartrokitje)