Speaking up is hard to do. I understood the true meaning of this phrase exactly one month ago, when my wife and I became new parents. It was an amazing moment. It was exhilarating and elating, but it was also scary and terrifying. And it got particularly terrifying when we got home from the hospital, and we were unsure whether our little baby boy was getting enough nutrients from breastfeeding. And we wanted to call our pediatrician, but we also didn't want to make a bad first impression or come across as a crazy, neurotic parent. So we worried. And we waited. When we got to the doctor's office the next day, she immediately gave him formula because he was pretty dehydrated. Our son is fine now, and our doctor has reassured us we can always contact her. But in that moment, I should've spoken up, but I didn't.
坦率直言是件難事。 直到一個月前 我和妻子晉身為新手爸媽, 我才理解這句話的真義。 那是不可思議的一刻。 讓人欣喜若狂, 但同時也令人提心吊膽。 出院回家後這種擔憂變得尤為強烈, 因我們不確定 寶寶是否能從母乳中 獲得足夠的營養。 我們想打電話諮詢我們的兒科醫生, 但又不想留下不好的第一印象 或被認為是個奇怪、神經質的家長。 所以我們十分擔心 但我們只是枯等著。 第二天當我們去看醫生時, 她立刻給寶寶喝了配方奶粉, 因為他已經嚴重脫水了。 孩子現在已經沒事了, 醫生也一再保證 我們可以隨時聯繫她。 但在那關鍵時刻, 我應該為自己發聲, 我卻選擇緘默。
But sometimes we speak up when we shouldn't, and I learned that over 10 years ago when I let my twin brother down. My twin brother is a documentary filmmaker, and for one of his first films, he got an offer from a distribution company. He was excited, and he was inclined to accept the offer. But as a negotiations researcher, I insisted he make a counteroffer, and I helped him craft the perfect one. And it was perfect -- it was perfectly insulting. The company was so offended, they literally withdrew the offer and my brother was left with nothing.
但有時候我們不該為自己發聲, 我們卻說了。 我明白這一點是十多年前, 我讓自己的孿生兄弟 感到失望的時候。 他是一位紀錄片製作人, 他的一部早期作品 得到了一家影片發行公司的青睞。 他很興奮 且打算接受對方開出的價格。 但身為一個談判學研究者, 我堅持建議他得跟對方議價, 並且幫他擬定了完美的新價格。 這是個完美的價格── 完美地獅子大開口。 發行公司對此十分惱火, 以致於他們直接撤銷了發行計畫, 而我的兄弟落得空歡喜一場。
And I've asked people all over the world about this dilemma of speaking up: when they can assert themselves, when they can push their interests, when they can express an opinion, when they can make an ambitious ask.
就是否該為自己發聲這個問題, 我詢問過世界各地的人們: 什麼時候可以捍衛自己的權益, 什麼時候可以追求自己的利益, 什麼時候可以表達自己的觀點, 什麼時候能提出一個有抱負的訴求。
And the range of stories are varied and diverse, but they also make up a universal tapestry. Can I correct my boss when they make a mistake? Can I confront my coworker who keeps stepping on my toes? Can I challenge my friend's insensitive joke? Can I tell the person I love the most my deepest insecurities?
我聽到的故事各式各樣, 但大家的困惑卻相差無幾。 當老闆犯錯時,我能指正他嗎? 同事總是不斷冒犯我時, 我該直言不諱嗎? 朋友的調侃讓我不舒服時, 我該反駁嗎? 面對摯愛的人,我應該坦白 內心深處最脆弱的那個部分嗎?
And through these experiences, I've come to recognize that each of us have something called a range of acceptable behavior. Now, sometimes we're too strong; we push ourselves too much. That's what happened with my brother. Even making an offer was outside his range of acceptable behavior. But sometimes we're too weak. That's what happened with my wife and I. And this range of acceptable behaviors -- when we stay within our range, we're rewarded. When we step outside that range, we get punished in a variety of ways. We get dismissed or demeaned or even ostracized. Or we lose that raise or that promotion or that deal.
透過這些經驗,我體認到 每個人都有一個所謂的 「可接受行為範疇」。 然而,有時候我們太強勢, 用力過猛。 如同我兄弟的例子一樣。 即使是開價這樣的行為, 也超出了他可接受的行為範疇。 而有時候我們太軟弱, 那就是我和妻子遇到的情況。 這個可接受行為範疇── 當我們的行為落在這個範圍內, 就會獲得獎勵。 當我們超出了這個範圍, 就會受到不同形式的懲罰。 我們可能被解雇、 被貶低,甚至被排斥。 也有可能會錯失加薪、升職的機會 或者丟掉一筆生意。
Now, the first thing we need to know is: What is my range? But the key thing is, our range isn't fixed; it's actually pretty dynamic. It expands and it narrows based on the context. And there's one thing that determines that range more than anything else, and that's your power. Your power determines your range. What is power? Power comes in lots of forms. In negotiations, it comes in the form of alternatives. So my brother had no alternatives; he lacked power. The company had lots of alternatives; they had power. Sometimes it's being new to a country, like an immigrant, or new to an organization or new to an experience, like my wife and I as new parents. Sometimes it's at work, where someone's the boss and someone's the subordinate. Sometimes it's in relationships, where one person's more invested than the other person.
現在,首先我們需搞清楚的是: 我的範圍在哪裡? 但關鍵問題在於, 這個範圍並不是固定不變的; 實際上它是非常靈活機動的, 會根據情況擴大或縮小。 而有一個要素 對這個範圍的影響,最具決定性: 那就是你的權力。 權力的大小決定了範圍的大小。 什麼是權力呢? 權力以各種不同形式呈現出來。 在談判中,它呈現出來的是 選擇的多寡。 我兄弟並沒有其他選擇; 他缺乏權力。 而那家公司有很多選擇; 他們滿具權力。 有時候它表現在初到異國時, 像新移民那樣, 或者新到一家公司, 或者面對新的體驗── 就像成為新手父母的我和妻子。 有時候它體現在職場上, 有的人是老闆,而有的人是下屬。 有時候體現在戀愛關係裡, 一方付出得比另一方更多。
And the key thing is that when we have lots of power, our range is very wide. We have a lot of leeway in how to behave. But when we lack power, our range narrows. We have very little leeway. The problem is that when our range narrows, that produces something called the low-power double bind. The low-power double bind happens when, if we don't speak up, we go unnoticed, but if we do speak up, we get punished.
關鍵在於,當我們權力強大時, 我們的範圍就很廣。 我們行事就會有很多周旋的餘地, 而當我們權力變弱時, 範圍就縮小了。 我們沒有什麼籌碼可用。 問題在於當我們的範圍被縮小時, 就會產生一種叫 「弱勢兩難」的困境。 當弱勢兩難的困境產生時, 如果不為自己發聲、表態, 我們就會被忽視。 但如果發了聲、表了態, 我們又會受到懲罰。
Now, many of you have heard the phrase the "double bind" and connected it with one thing, and that's gender. The gender double bind is women who don't speak up go unnoticed, and women who do speak up get punished. And the key thing is that women have the same need as men to speak up, but they have barriers to doing so. But what my research has shown over the last two decades is that what looks like a gender difference is not really a gender double bind, it's a really a low-power double bind. And what looks like a gender difference are really often just power differences in disguise. Oftentimes we see a difference between a man and a woman or men and women, and think, "Biological cause. There's something fundamentally different about the sexes." But in study after study, I've found that a better explanation for many sex differences is really power. And so it's the low-power double bind. And the low-power double bind means that we have a narrow range, and we lack power. We have a narrow range, and our double bind is very large.
在場的很多人都聽過 「雙重束縛」這個說法, 也會將它與性別聯想在一起。 在性別兩難困境中, 不為自己發聲的女性會被忽視; 而為自己發聲的女性又會受到懲罰。 關鍵在於,女性和男性一樣 有為自己發聲的需求, 但她們的需求受到許多限制。 我過去二十年的研究的結果顯示, 那些看起來像是性別差異的情形, 其實並不是性別兩難困境, 而是弱勢兩難困境。 而看起來像是性別差異的情形, 其實常常只是權力差異 偽裝成的幌子。 常常當我們看到一個男人 和一個女人之間的差異, 或者是男性和女性間的差異, 就認為「先天生理不同, 而造成兩性本質上的差異。」 但經由不斷地研究之後, 我找到了對性別差異更好的解釋: 那就是權力。 回到弱勢兩難困境。 弱勢兩難困境意味著 我們可接受行為的範圍很窄, 且我們缺乏權力。 我們的範圍越窄, 我們兩難的困境越嚴重。
So we need to find ways to expand our range. And over the last couple decades, my colleagues and I have found two things really matter. The first: you seem powerful in your own eyes. The second: you seem powerful in the eyes of others. When I feel powerful, I feel confident, not fearful; I expand my own range. When other people see me as powerful, they grant me a wider range. So we need tools to expand our range of acceptable behavior. And I'm going to give you a set of tools today. Speaking up is risky, but these tools will lower your risk of speaking up.
所以,我們需要找到 擴大範圍的方法。 過去的幾十年, 我和同事們發現了兩個決定性因素。 第一:在自己眼裡,你是有權力的。 第二:在他人眼裡,你是有權力的。 當我覺得自己權力滿滿時, 我充滿自信,沒有恐懼; 我擴展了自己的範圍。 而當別人認為我強大有權時, 他們就會給我更大的可接受範圍。 所以我們需要能擴展我們 可接受行為範圍的工具。 而今天我就要把這套工具給你。 為自己發聲是有風險的, 但這些工具將降低你 為自己發聲的風險。
The first tool I'm going to give you got discovered in negotiations in an important finding. On average, women make less ambitious offers and get worse outcomes than men at the bargaining table. But Hannah Riley Bowles and Emily Amanatullah have discovered there's one situation where women get the same outcomes as men and are just as ambitious. That's when they advocate for others. When they advocate for others, they discover their own range and expand it in their own mind. They become more assertive. This is sometimes called "the mama bear effect." Like a mama bear defending her cubs, when we advocate for others, we can discover our own voice.
我要給你的第一個工具 是在協商領域中發現的, 是一個重要的發現。 通常來說,相較於男性, 女性在談判桌上 開出的條件相對不那麼具有野心, 並且常常談判效果較差。 但漢娜.雷利.鮑爾斯 與阿瑪那.圖拉發現, 在一種情況下, 女性和男性一樣野心勃勃 也能得到相同的結果。 那就是當她們維護別人、 為他人發聲的時候。 在維護別人時, 她們找到自己的範圍, 並且在腦海中將它擴寬。 她們變得更加堅定。 有時稱,這被稱為「熊媽媽效應」。 就像一個熊媽媽維護她的熊仔一樣, 當我們維護他人時, 我們就能聽到自己內心的聲音。
But sometimes, we have to advocate for ourselves. How do we do that? One of the most important tools we have to advocate for ourselves is something called perspective-taking. And perspective-taking is really simple: it's simply looking at the world through the eyes of another person. It's one of the most important tools we have to expand our range. When I take your perspective, and I think about what you really want, you're more likely to give me what I really want.
但有些時候,我們必須維護自己。 該怎麼做呢? 我們維護自己最重要的工具之一 叫做「換位思考」。 換位思考很簡單: 就是從別人的角度來看這個世界。 這是擴大我們自己範圍 最強而有力的工具之一。 當我站在你的角度、立場上, 去思考你真正想要的是什麼, 你就更有可能給我,我真正想要的。
But here's the problem: perspective-taking is hard to do. So let's do a little experiment. I want you all to hold your hand just like this: your finger -- put it up. And I want you to draw a capital letter E on your forehead as quickly as possible. OK, it turns out that we can draw this E in one of two ways, and this was originally designed as a test of perspective-taking. I'm going to show you two pictures of someone with an E on their forehead -- my former student, Erika Hall. And you can see over here, that's the correct E. I drew the E so it looks like an E to another person. That's the perspective-taking E because it looks like an E from someone else's vantage point. But this E over here is the self-focused E. We often get self-focused. And we particularly get self-focused in a crisis.
但問題在於: 換位思考很難做得到。 我們來做個小小的實驗, 我想要你們都把手這樣舉起來: 把手指豎起來。 在你們自己的額頭上 寫下一個大寫的英文字母 E。 越快越好。 好,結果發現 我們有兩種寫 E 的方法, 這原是設計來測試換位思考能力的。 我要給你們看兩張頭上寫了 E 的人的照片── 我以前的學生,艾瑞卡.豪爾。 你們可以看到 這邊是正確的的 E 。 我畫了在對方看來是正確的 E。 這是換位思考的 E , 因為從他人的視角來看,它是 E。 但這邊的 E 是個很自我的 E, 我們常常會以自我為中心。 尤其是危機緊要關頭, 我們更容易陷入以自我為主的情況。
I want to tell you about a particular crisis. A man walks into a bank in Watsonville, California. And he says, "Give me $2,000, or I'm blowing the whole bank up with a bomb." Now, the bank manager didn't give him the money. She took a step back. She took his perspective, and she noticed something really important. He asked for a specific amount of money.
我想跟各位分享一個危機處理故事。 一名男子走進加州沃森維爾的銀行, 他說:「給我 2000 美金, 不然我就用炸彈把整個銀行炸掉。」 銀行經理並沒有給他錢, 她退後了一步。 她站在他的角度思考, 然後發現一件非常重要的事。 他要錢的數目非常具體。
So she said, "Why did you ask for $2,000?"
所以她說: 「你為什麼要 2000 美金?」
And he said, "My friend is going to be evicted unless I get him $2,000 immediately."
他回:「我朋友就要被趕出公寓了, 除非我能馬上幫他 弄到 2000 美金。」
And she said, "Oh! You don't want to rob the bank -- you want to take out a loan."
於是她說:「噢! 其實你並不是想要搶銀行, 你是想要申請貸款。」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
"Why don't you come back to my office, and we can have you fill out the paperwork."
「不如你跟我回辦公室, 我們可以讓你填寫申請文件。」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
Now, her quick perspective-taking defused a volatile situation. So when we take someone's perspective, it allows us to be ambitious and assertive, but still be likable.
她迅速地換位思考 化解了一場棘手的危機。 當我們能站在別人的角度 去思考的時候, 我們不僅變得強勢、果敢, 同時還變得討人喜歡。
Here's another way to be assertive but still be likable, and that is to signal flexibility. Now, imagine you're a car salesperson, and you want to sell someone a car. You're going to more likely make the sale if you give them two options. Let's say option A: $24,000 for this car and a five-year warranty. Or option B: $23,000 and a three-year warranty. My research shows that when you give people a choice among options, it lowers their defenses, and they're more likely to accept your offer.
還有另一個讓我們既具果決力 又有人緣的方法, 就是展現出彈性靈活度。 想像你是一個銷售人員, 想把車子給賣出去。 如果你給對方兩種選擇方案, 你成功搞定這筆生意的機率更高。 好比說,方案 A: 車子的售價 24,000 美金 外加 5 年的保固; 或者方案 B: 23,000 美金 外加 3 年的保固。 我的研究結果表示, 當你能讓人們在選項中做抉擇時, 可以降低人們的防備心, 且人們更有可能接受你的提議。
And this doesn't just work with salespeople; it works with parents. When my niece was four, she resisted getting dressed and rejected everything. But then my sister-in-law had a brilliant idea. What if I gave my daughter a choice? This shirt or that shirt? OK, that shirt. This pant or that pant? OK, that pant. And it worked brilliantly. She got dressed quickly and without resistance.
這不只適用於銷售人員, 家長也可以用這個方法。 我姪女四歲的時候, 她抗拒穿衣服,拒絕所有衣服。 我嫂子想了個聰明的點子, 如果我讓女兒自己去選擇呢? 這件襯衫還是那件?嗯,那件。 這條褲子還是那條?嗯,那條。 這招出奇地有效。 她很快地就著好裝,不再抗拒。
When I've asked the question around the world when people feel comfortable speaking up, the number one answer is: "When I have social support in my audience; when I have allies." So we want to get allies on our side. How do we do that? Well, one of the ways is be a mama bear. When we advocate for others, we expand our range in our own eyes and the eyes of others, but we also earn strong allies.
當我在世界各地提問: 人們在何時 能毫無顧忌地為自己發聲? 出現頻率最高的答案是: 「聽眾中有支持我的人時、 當我有盟友時。」 所以,我們想要有盟友的支持。 怎樣才能做到呢? 其中一個方法便是做一個熊媽媽。 當我們維護別人的時候 無形中我們在自己和他人眼中, 擴展了自身的範圍, 與此同時, 我們也獲得了堅實的後盾。
Another way we can earn strong allies, especially in high places, is by asking other people for advice. When we ask others for advice, they like us because we flatter them, and we're expressing humility. And this really works to solve another double bind. And that's the self-promotion double bind. The self-promotion double bind is that if we don't advertise our accomplishments, no one notices. And if we do, we're not likable.
另一個獲得穩固盟友的方法, 特別是我們位居高位時, 是向他人尋求建議。 當我們向他人尋求建議時, 他們會覺得受到重視 且因我們的謙遜而喜歡我們。 這非常有助於解決另一種兩難困境, 那就是「自我行銷的兩難困境」。 自我行銷的兩難困境就是 如果我們不展現自己的成就, 就沒有人會知道。 如果我們展現了,又讓人討厭。
But if we ask for advice about one of our accomplishments, we are able to be competent in their eyes but also be likeable. And this is so powerful it even works when you see it coming. There have been multiple times in life when I have been forewarned that a low-power person has been given the advice to come ask me for advice. I want you to notice three things about this: First, I knew they were going to come ask me for advice. Two, I've actually done research on the strategic benefits of asking for advice. And three, it still worked! I took their perspective, I became more invested in their cause, I became more committed to them because they asked for advice.
但如果我們就自己的一些成就 去徵詢別人的建議, 在別人眼中我們就 既具能力又討人喜歡。 這個方法太管用了。 就算你知道別人要這麼做 也依然奏效。 以下情形已經發生過好幾次了, 我被事先告知 一個弱勢的人被引介來找我諮詢。 我希望你們能注意到三件事: 第一,我已經知道他們要向我諮詢。 第二,我做的研究就是關於 徵詢建議的策略性益處。 第三,這招依然奏效! 我站在他們的立場來看事情, 我對他們的案件更加關注、投入, 我對他們投注更多的責任感, 因為他們向我徵詢建議。
Now, another time we feel more confident speaking up is when we have expertise. Expertise gives us credibility. When we have high power, we already have credibility. We only need good evidence. When we lack power, we don't have the credibility. We need excellent evidence.
在另一種情況下, 我們也能更自信地為自己發聲, 那就是當我們具備專業知識時。 專業讓我們更具可信度。 當我們握有較大的實權時, 我們已然具備了可信度。 我們只需要好的證據來佐證。 當我們缺乏權力時, 我們就沒有可信度。 我們需要極佳的證據 來佐證所說的話。
And one of the ways we can come across as an expert is by tapping into our passion. I want everyone in the next few days to go up to friend of theirs and just say to them, "I want you to describe a passion of yours to me." I've had people do this all over the world and I asked them, "What did you notice about the other person when they described their passion?" And the answers are always the same. "Their eyes lit up and got big." "They smiled a big beaming smile." "They used their hands all over -- I had to duck because their hands were coming at me." "They talk quickly with a little higher pitch."
讓我們能成為專家的方法之一, 就是發掘我們的熱情。 接下來的幾天, 我希望每個人去見見朋友, 並告訴他們 「請與我分享你熱情之所在。」 我身邊有一群人 在世界各地做這樣的事, 我問他們: 「當人們在敘述自己所熱衷的事時, 你發現有什麼不同嗎?」 答案永遠一樣。 「他們的眼睛頓時睜大、 閃爍發光。」 「他們的微笑璀璨亮麗。」 「他們手舞足蹈── 我必須閃躲以免被他們 揮舞的手給打到。」 「他們講話速度變快、 聲調也變高。」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
"They leaned in as if telling me a secret."
「他們傾身靠向我, 彷彿在告訴我一個秘密似的。」
And then I said to them, "What happened to you as you listened to their passion?"
然後我又問他們, 「當你們聆聽人們向你訴說 他們熱情所在時,又有何反應呢?」
They said, "My eyes lit up. I smiled. I leaned in."
他們說:「我的眼睛為之一亮。 我跟著微笑。 我傾身向前聆聽。」
When we tap into our passion, we give ourselves the courage, in our own eyes, to speak up, but we also get the permission from others to speak up. Tapping into our passion even works when we come across as too weak. Both men and women get punished at work when they shed tears. But Lizzie Wolf has shown that when we frame our strong emotions as passion, the condemnation of our crying disappears for both men and women.
當我們發掘自身的熱情時, 我們就給了自己勇氣來為自己發聲。 我們同時也得到別人的認可 來為自己發聲。 當我們給人的印象很軟弱時, 傾注我們的熱情同樣有效。 男性與女性在工作場合流淚, 都會受到懲罰。 但是麗茲.沃夫表示, 當我們將強烈的情緒轉譯為熱情時, 對我們淚水的譴責將被破解, 男女都是如此。
I want to end with a few words from my late father that he spoke at my twin brother's wedding. Here's a picture of us. My dad was a psychologist like me, but his real love and his real passion was cinema, like my brother. And so he wrote a speech for my brother's wedding about the roles we play in the human comedy.
我想用我已故父親的幾句話 來做結尾, 這是他在我攣生兄弟婚禮上 致詞時所說過的話。 這是我們的照片。 我父親跟我一樣,是位心理學家。 但是他的摯愛與熱情所在是電影, 跟我兄弟一樣。 他在我兄弟婚禮上的演講提到了 我們在人生喜劇裡所扮演的角色。
And he said, "The lighter your touch, the better you become at improving and enriching your performance. Those who embrace their roles and work to improve their performance grow, change and expand the self. Play it well, and your days will be mostly joyful."
他說道:「力道越輕柔, 在改善與豐富自身演出的呈現上, 就越臻完善。 那些擁抱自身角色 並努力改進演出表現的人, 將會獲得自身成長、蛻變和拓展, 盡心扮演好自己的角色, 你的生活將充滿喜樂。」
What my dad was saying is that we've all been assigned ranges and roles in this world. But he was also saying the essence of this talk: those roles and ranges are constantly expanding and evolving.
我父親想說的是 每個人在世上, 都被賦予不同類型的角色。 但他亦道出了這場演講的精髓: 那些角色類型, 持續不斷地擴張與演進。
So when a scene calls for it, be a ferocious mama bear and a humble advice seeker. Have excellent evidence and strong allies. Be a passionate perspective taker. And if you use those tools -- and each and every one of you can use these tools -- you will expand your range of acceptable behavior, and your days will be mostly joyful.
所以,順應劇情場景的需要, 做一个兇悍的熊媽媽, 或一位謙遜的求教者吧。 擁有出色的證據和堅實的盟友。 做一位熱情滿溢的換位思考者。 如果你善用這些工具── 每一個人都能夠善用這些利器── 你們將能夠拓展 自己的可接受行為的範圍。 你的生活將會充滿喜樂。
Thank you.
謝謝。
(Applause)
(掌聲)