Speaking up is hard to do. I understood the true meaning of this phrase exactly one month ago, when my wife and I became new parents. It was an amazing moment. It was exhilarating and elating, but it was also scary and terrifying. And it got particularly terrifying when we got home from the hospital, and we were unsure whether our little baby boy was getting enough nutrients from breastfeeding. And we wanted to call our pediatrician, but we also didn't want to make a bad first impression or come across as a crazy, neurotic parent. So we worried. And we waited. When we got to the doctor's office the next day, she immediately gave him formula because he was pretty dehydrated. Our son is fine now, and our doctor has reassured us we can always contact her. But in that moment, I should've spoken up, but I didn't.
Teško je zauzeti se za sebe. Razumeo sam pravo značenje te fraze tačno pre mesec dana, kada smo supruga i ja postali roditelji. Bio je to neverovatan trenutak. Uzbudljiv i pun ushićenja, ali takođe i zastrašujuć. A postalo je posebno zastrašujuće kada smo stigli kući iz bolnice i nismo bili sigurni da li naš mali sin iz majčinog mleka dobija dovoljno hranljivih sastojaka. Želeli smo da pozovemo našeg pedijatra, ali opet nismo želeli da ostavimo loš prvi utisak, ili da izgledamo kao ludi, neurotični roditelji. Tako da smo brinuli i čekali. Kada smo otišli kod lekara sledećeg dana, odmah mu je dala veštačku hranu jer je prilično dehidrirao. Naš sin je sada dobro, a naša doktorka nas je ohrabrila da uvek možemo da joj se obratimo. Ali tada je trebalo da se izjasnim, a nisam.
But sometimes we speak up when we shouldn't, and I learned that over 10 years ago when I let my twin brother down. My twin brother is a documentary filmmaker, and for one of his first films, he got an offer from a distribution company. He was excited, and he was inclined to accept the offer. But as a negotiations researcher, I insisted he make a counteroffer, and I helped him craft the perfect one. And it was perfect -- it was perfectly insulting. The company was so offended, they literally withdrew the offer and my brother was left with nothing.
No, nekad se borimo za sebe kada ne bi trebalo, a to sam naučio pre više od 10 godina kada sam izneverio brata blizanca. Moj brat režira dokumentarce i za jedan od svojih prvih filmova dobio je ponudu od jednog distributera. Bio je uzbuđen i samo što nije prihvatio ponudu. Ali kao analitičar za pregovore, insistirao sam da napravi kontraponudu i pomogao sam mu da izradi savršenu. I bila je savršena - bila je savršeno uvredljiva. Distributer je bio toliko uvređen da su bukvalno povukli ponudu i moj brat je ostao bez ičega.
And I've asked people all over the world about this dilemma of speaking up: when they can assert themselves, when they can push their interests, when they can express an opinion, when they can make an ambitious ask.
A ja sam pitao ljude širom sveta o dilemi u vezi izražavanja svog stava: kada mogu da se založe za sebe, kada mogu da nametnu svoje interese, kada mogu da izraze svoje mišljenje, kada mogu da izađu sa ambicioniznim zahtevom.
And the range of stories are varied and diverse, but they also make up a universal tapestry. Can I correct my boss when they make a mistake? Can I confront my coworker who keeps stepping on my toes? Can I challenge my friend's insensitive joke? Can I tell the person I love the most my deepest insecurities?
Spektar odgovora je različit i raznovrstan, ali takođe čini i jedinstvenu tapiseriju. Mogu li da ispravim nadređenog kada napravi grešku? Mogu li da se suprotstavim kolegi koji mi stalno staje na žulj? Mogu li da odgovorim na neumesnu šalu prijatelja? Mogu li osobi koju najviše volim reći svoje najdublje strahove?
And through these experiences, I've come to recognize that each of us have something called a range of acceptable behavior. Now, sometimes we're too strong; we push ourselves too much. That's what happened with my brother. Even making an offer was outside his range of acceptable behavior. But sometimes we're too weak. That's what happened with my wife and I. And this range of acceptable behaviors -- when we stay within our range, we're rewarded. When we step outside that range, we get punished in a variety of ways. We get dismissed or demeaned or even ostracized. Or we lose that raise or that promotion or that deal.
Kroz ova iskustva, spoznao sam da svako od nas ima nešto što se zove spektar prihvatljivog ponašanja. Ponekad smo isuviše jaki; previše pomeramo svoje granice. To se dogodilo sa mojim bratom. Čak je i samo iznošenje ponude bila van njegovog opsega prihvatljivog ponašanja. Ali nekad smo isuviše slabi. To se desilo sa mojom suprugom i sa mnom. Ovaj spektar prihvatljivog ponašanja - kada ostajemo u svom opsegu, bivamo nagrađeni. Kada iskoračimo izvan granica, bivamo kažnjeni na razne načine. Odbacuju nas, ponižavaju ili čak izopštavaju. Ili izgubimo tu povišicu, unapređenje ili pogodbu.
Now, the first thing we need to know is: What is my range? But the key thing is, our range isn't fixed; it's actually pretty dynamic. It expands and it narrows based on the context. And there's one thing that determines that range more than anything else, and that's your power. Your power determines your range. What is power? Power comes in lots of forms. In negotiations, it comes in the form of alternatives. So my brother had no alternatives; he lacked power. The company had lots of alternatives; they had power. Sometimes it's being new to a country, like an immigrant, or new to an organization or new to an experience, like my wife and I as new parents. Sometimes it's at work, where someone's the boss and someone's the subordinate. Sometimes it's in relationships, where one person's more invested than the other person.
E, sad, prvo što treba da znamo je gde su naše granice. Ključno je da naše granice nisu fiksirane; u stvari su prilično dinamične. Šire se i sužavaju zavisno od konteksta. Postoji nešto što određuje te granice više od bilo čega drugog, a to je vaša moć. Vaša moć određuje vaše granice. Šta je moć? Moć dolazi u dosta oblika. U pregovorima dolazi u obliku alternativa. Moj brat nije imao nijednu alternativu; nedostajala mu je moć. Kompanija je imala dosta alternativa; ona je posedovala moć. Ponekad to znači biti nov u nekoj državi, poput imigranta, ili nov u nekoj organizaciji ili naići na novo iskustvo, poput moje supruge i mene kao roditelja. Ponekad je to na poslu, gde je neko nadređeni a neko podređeni. Ponekad je to u nekoj vezi, gde je jedna osoba ulaže više od one druge.
And the key thing is that when we have lots of power, our range is very wide. We have a lot of leeway in how to behave. But when we lack power, our range narrows. We have very little leeway. The problem is that when our range narrows, that produces something called the low-power double bind. The low-power double bind happens when, if we don't speak up, we go unnoticed, but if we do speak up, we get punished.
A ključna stvar je da, kada imamo veliku moć, naše granice su vrlo široke. Imamo dosta slobode u svom ponašanju. Ali kada nemamo moć, naše granice se sužavaju. Imamo jako malo slobode. Problem je u tome što, kada se granice smanje, to stvara nešto što se zove duple poruke kod manje moći. Duple poruke kod manje moći se događaju kada, ako ne izrazimo svoj stav, ostajemo neprimećeni, ali ako progovorimo, bivamo kažnjeni.
Now, many of you have heard the phrase the "double bind" and connected it with one thing, and that's gender. The gender double bind is women who don't speak up go unnoticed, and women who do speak up get punished. And the key thing is that women have the same need as men to speak up, but they have barriers to doing so. But what my research has shown over the last two decades is that what looks like a gender difference is not really a gender double bind, it's a really a low-power double bind. And what looks like a gender difference are really often just power differences in disguise. Oftentimes we see a difference between a man and a woman or men and women, and think, "Biological cause. There's something fundamentally different about the sexes." But in study after study, I've found that a better explanation for many sex differences is really power. And so it's the low-power double bind. And the low-power double bind means that we have a narrow range, and we lack power. We have a narrow range, and our double bind is very large.
E, sad, mnogi od vas su čuli frazu „duple poruke“ i povezuju je sa jednom stvari, a to je rod. Duple poruke kod roda podrazumevaju da kada žene ne izraze stav, ne primete ih, a žene koje izraze stav, bivaju kažnjene. Ključno je da žene imaju istu potrebu da izraze stav kao i muškarci, ali na tom putu imaju prepreke. Moje istraživanje je pokazalo tokom poslednje dve decenije da ono što izgledaju kao rodne razlike nisu stvarno „duple poruke“ kod roda već „duple poruke“ kad je moć u pitanju. Ono što izgleda kao rodna razlika je često zapravo prikrivena razlika u moći. Često vidimo razliku između muškarca i žene ili muškaraca i žena, i mislimo: „Biološki uzrok. Postoji nešto suštinski različito u pogledu polova.“ Ali ja sam u svakoj studiji otkrio da je bolje objašnjenje za mnoge polne razlike zapravo moć. Tako su to duple poruke kod manje moći. A duple poruke kod male moći podrazumevaju da imamo sužen izbor i da nemamo moć. Imamo sužene granice i „duple poruke“ su veoma izražene.
So we need to find ways to expand our range. And over the last couple decades, my colleagues and I have found two things really matter. The first: you seem powerful in your own eyes. The second: you seem powerful in the eyes of others. When I feel powerful, I feel confident, not fearful; I expand my own range. When other people see me as powerful, they grant me a wider range. So we need tools to expand our range of acceptable behavior. And I'm going to give you a set of tools today. Speaking up is risky, but these tools will lower your risk of speaking up.
Treba da nađemo načine da proširimo naše granice. Poslednjih nekoliko decenija, moje kolege i ja smo otkrili da su dve stvari vrlo važne. Prvo: da sami sebe smatrate moćnima. Drugo: da vas drugi smatraju moćnima. Kada se osećam moćno, imam samopouzdanje, ne strah; širim svoje granice. Kada me drugi vide kao moćnog, oni mi daju veće granice. Znači, treba nam nešto što bi proširilo naše granice prihvatljivog ponašanja. A ja ću vas danas upoznati sa nekoliko alata. Izražavanje svog stava je rizično, ali ovi alati će smanjiti rizik izjašnjavanja.
The first tool I'm going to give you got discovered in negotiations in an important finding. On average, women make less ambitious offers and get worse outcomes than men at the bargaining table. But Hannah Riley Bowles and Emily Amanatullah have discovered there's one situation where women get the same outcomes as men and are just as ambitious. That's when they advocate for others. When they advocate for others, they discover their own range and expand it in their own mind. They become more assertive. This is sometimes called "the mama bear effect." Like a mama bear defending her cubs, when we advocate for others, we can discover our own voice.
Prvi alat koji ću podeliti sa vama je otkriven u pregovorima u jednom važnom pronalasku. U proseku, žene iznose manje ambiciozne ponude i imaju gore ishode od muškaraca za pregovaračkim stolom. Ali Hana Rajli Bouls i Emili Amanatula su otkrile da postoji jedna situacija gde su žene uspešne kao i muškarci i isto tako ambiciozne. To je kada štite druge. Kada se zalažu za druge, one otkrivaju svoje granice i šire ih u svom umu. Postaju asertivnije. Ovo se ponekad zove „efekat mame lavice“. Poput majke zaštitnice koja brani svoje mlade, kada štitimo druge, otkrivamo sopstveni glas.
But sometimes, we have to advocate for ourselves. How do we do that? One of the most important tools we have to advocate for ourselves is something called perspective-taking. And perspective-taking is really simple: it's simply looking at the world through the eyes of another person. It's one of the most important tools we have to expand our range. When I take your perspective, and I think about what you really want, you're more likely to give me what I really want.
No, ponekad, moramo da zaštitimo sebe. Kako to da uradimo? Jedan od najvažnijih alata kojim raspolažemo za svoju zaštitu se ponekad zove menjanje perspektive. Menjanje perspektive je dosta jednostavno: to je prosto gledanje na svet očima druge osobe. To je jedan od najvažnijih alata koje imamo za širenje svojih granica. Kada zauzmem vašu perspektivu i razmišljam o tome šta vi zapravo želite, veće su šanse da ćete mi pružiti ono što ja želim.
But here's the problem: perspective-taking is hard to do. So let's do a little experiment. I want you all to hold your hand just like this: your finger -- put it up. And I want you to draw a capital letter E on your forehead as quickly as possible. OK, it turns out that we can draw this E in one of two ways, and this was originally designed as a test of perspective-taking. I'm going to show you two pictures of someone with an E on their forehead -- my former student, Erika Hall. And you can see over here, that's the correct E. I drew the E so it looks like an E to another person. That's the perspective-taking E because it looks like an E from someone else's vantage point. But this E over here is the self-focused E. We often get self-focused. And we particularly get self-focused in a crisis.
Ali evo problema: menjanje perspektive je teško postići. Vreme je za mali eksperiment. Želim da svi ovako držite šaku; podignite prst. I želim da nacrtate veliko slovo E na svom čelu što brže možete. Okej, izgleda da možemo da nacrtamo ovo E na dva načina, i ovo je prvobitno osmišljeno kao test menjanja perspektive. Pokazaću vam dve slike nekoga sa slovom E na čelu - moje bivše studentkinje, Erike Hol. Ovde možete videti da je ovo tačno slovo E. Nacrtao sam slovo E tako da drugoj osobi izgleda kao E. To je E sa promenjenom perspektivom zato što izgleda kao E sa stanovišta nekog drugog. Ali ovo E ovde je E usmereno na sebe. Često smo fokusirani sami na sebe. A posebno postanemo fokusirani sami na sebe tokom neke krize.
I want to tell you about a particular crisis. A man walks into a bank in Watsonville, California. And he says, "Give me $2,000, or I'm blowing the whole bank up with a bomb." Now, the bank manager didn't give him the money. She took a step back. She took his perspective, and she noticed something really important. He asked for a specific amount of money.
Ispričaću vam o jednoj konkretnoj krizi. Čovek ulazi u banku u Votsonvilu u Kaliforniji i kaže: „Dajte mi 2 000 dolara ili ću dići celu banku u vazduh.“ E, sad, upravnica banke mu nije dala novac. Koraknula je unazad. Zauzela je njegov stav i primetila je nešto zaista važno. Zatražio je određenu količinu novca.
So she said, "Why did you ask for $2,000?"
Stoga je upitala: „A zašto tražite 2 000 dolara?“
And he said, "My friend is going to be evicted unless I get him $2,000 immediately."
Odgovorio je: „Mog prijatelja će iseliti ako mu odmah ne nabavim 2 000 dolara.“
And she said, "Oh! You don't want to rob the bank -- you want to take out a loan."
A ona će njemu: „Pa vama ne treba da opljačkate banku - vama treba da uzmete kredit.“
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
"Why don't you come back to my office, and we can have you fill out the paperwork."
„Da odemo mi do moje kancelarije i tamo završimo papirologiju.“
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Now, her quick perspective-taking defused a volatile situation. So when we take someone's perspective, it allows us to be ambitious and assertive, but still be likable.
Njena brza promena perspektive je sprečila neizvesnu situaciju. Tako kada zauzmemo nečiju perspektivu, možemo biti ambiciozni i asertivni, a dopasti se drugima.
Here's another way to be assertive but still be likable, and that is to signal flexibility. Now, imagine you're a car salesperson, and you want to sell someone a car. You're going to more likely make the sale if you give them two options. Let's say option A: $24,000 for this car and a five-year warranty. Or option B: $23,000 and a three-year warranty. My research shows that when you give people a choice among options, it lowers their defenses, and they're more likely to accept your offer.
Drugi načina da budete asertivni, a opet da se dopadnete drugima, je da pokažete fleksibilnost. Sad zamislite da ste prodavac automobila i želite nekome da prodate auto. Veća je verovatnoća da će prodaja biti uspešna ako ponudite dve opcije. Da kažemo da je prva opcija: 24 000 dolara za ovaj auto i pet godina garancije. Ili druga opcija: 23 000 dolara i tri godine garancije. Moje istraživanje pokazuje da kada ljudima date više opcija, njihov mehanizam odbrane opada i verovatnije je da će prihvatiti vašu ponudu.
And this doesn't just work with salespeople; it works with parents. When my niece was four, she resisted getting dressed and rejected everything. But then my sister-in-law had a brilliant idea. What if I gave my daughter a choice? This shirt or that shirt? OK, that shirt. This pant or that pant? OK, that pant. And it worked brilliantly. She got dressed quickly and without resistance.
To ne važi samo za prodavce; to važi i za roditelje. Moja bratanica je sa četiri godine pružala otpor prema oblačenju i odbijala je sve. Ali je onda moja snaja došla na sjajnu ideju. Šta ako svojoj ćerki dam izbor? Ova ili ona majica? Okej, ona majica. Ove pantalonice ili one? Okej, one. To je sjajno funkcionisalo. Oblačenje je išlo brzo i bez ikakvog otpora.
When I've asked the question around the world when people feel comfortable speaking up, the number one answer is: "When I have social support in my audience; when I have allies." So we want to get allies on our side. How do we do that? Well, one of the ways is be a mama bear. When we advocate for others, we expand our range in our own eyes and the eyes of others, but we also earn strong allies.
Kada sam širom sveta postavljao pitanje ljudima kada im je najprijatnije da izraze svoj stav, najčešći odgovor bio je: „Kada imam podršku ljudi u publici; kada imam saveznike.“ Znači, želimo da uz nas budu saveznici. Kako to da postignemo? Pa, jedan od načina je da budemo kao lavica. Kada se borimo za druge, bivamo veći u sopstvenim očima i u očima drugih, a takođe pridobijamo i moćne saveznike.
Another way we can earn strong allies, especially in high places, is by asking other people for advice. When we ask others for advice, they like us because we flatter them, and we're expressing humility. And this really works to solve another double bind. And that's the self-promotion double bind. The self-promotion double bind is that if we don't advertise our accomplishments, no one notices. And if we do, we're not likable.
Drugi način da steknemo moćne saveznike, posebno na visokim pozicijama, je da pitamo ljude za savet. Kada pitamo druge za savet, dopadamo im se jer im laskamo i pokazujemo poniznost. Ovo zaista funkcioniše kada treba rešiti drugu „duplu poruku“. A to je „dupla poruka“ samopromocije. Dupla poruka samopromocije podrazumeva da, ako sami ne istaknemo svoje rezultate, niko ih ne primećuje. A ako to uradimo, ljudi nas ne vole.
But if we ask for advice about one of our accomplishments, we are able to be competent in their eyes but also be likeable. And this is so powerful it even works when you see it coming. There have been multiple times in life when I have been forewarned that a low-power person has been given the advice to come ask me for advice. I want you to notice three things about this: First, I knew they were going to come ask me for advice. Two, I've actually done research on the strategic benefits of asking for advice. And three, it still worked! I took their perspective, I became more invested in their cause, I became more committed to them because they asked for advice.
No, ako pitamo za savet u vezi sa nekim našim poduhvatima, izgledaćemo kompetentno, a i dopašćemo se drugima. A ovo je tako moćno da čak funkcioniše i kada to očekujete. Dosta puta u životu mi se desilo da sam bio upozoren da su nekome sa manje moći dali savet da dođe kod mene po savet. Želim da primetite tri stvari kod ove situacije. Prvo, znao sam da će doći da me pita za savet. Drugo, zapravo sam radio istraživanje o strateškim prednostima traženja saveta. I treće, i dalje je prolazilo! Zauzeo sam drugu perspektivu. Postao sam više uključen za njihove potrebe, više sam im se posvetio jer su me pitali za savet.
Now, another time we feel more confident speaking up is when we have expertise. Expertise gives us credibility. When we have high power, we already have credibility. We only need good evidence. When we lack power, we don't have the credibility. We need excellent evidence.
Druga situacija kada se izjašnjavamo sa više samopouzdanja je kada imamo znanje. Znanje nam daje kredibilitet. Kada imamo veliku moć, već imamo kredibilitet. Samo nam treba dobar dokaz. Kada nemamo moć, nemamo kredibilitet. Treba nam odličan dokaz.
And one of the ways we can come across as an expert is by tapping into our passion. I want everyone in the next few days to go up to friend of theirs and just say to them, "I want you to describe a passion of yours to me." I've had people do this all over the world and I asked them, "What did you notice about the other person when they described their passion?" And the answers are always the same. "Their eyes lit up and got big." "They smiled a big beaming smile." "They used their hands all over -- I had to duck because their hands were coming at me." "They talk quickly with a little higher pitch."
A jedan od načina na koji možemo da se pokažemo kao eksperti je da zaronimo u našu strast. Želim da svi vi u narednih par dana odete do svojih prijatelja i kažete im: „Želim da mi opišeš svoju strast.“ Zadao sam ljudima širom sveta da to rade i pitao ih: „Šta ste primetili kod te osobe dok je opisivala svoju strast prema nečemu?“ Odgovori su uvek bili isti. „Oči bi im zasijale i raširile se.“ „Osmeh bi im obasjao lice.“ „Dosta bi gestikulirali - morao sam da se odmaknem jer bi me inače udarili.“ „Pričaju brzo i malo glasnije.“
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
"They leaned in as if telling me a secret."
„Nagnuli bi se kao da mi pričaju tajnu.“
And then I said to them, "What happened to you as you listened to their passion?"
Pitao sam ih: „Šta se desilo vama dok ste ih slušali da tako pričaju?“
They said, "My eyes lit up. I smiled. I leaned in."
Odgovorili su: „I meni su oči zasjale. Smešio sam se. Nagnuo sam se.“
When we tap into our passion, we give ourselves the courage, in our own eyes, to speak up, but we also get the permission from others to speak up. Tapping into our passion even works when we come across as too weak. Both men and women get punished at work when they shed tears. But Lizzie Wolf has shown that when we frame our strong emotions as passion, the condemnation of our crying disappears for both men and women.
Kada smo usredsređeni na našu strast, u sopstvenim očima postajemo hrabriji da izrazimo naš stav, a takođe i od drugih dobijemo dozvolu da izrazimo mišljenje. Usredsređivanje na našu strast čak funkcioniše i kada izgledamo preslabi. I muškarci i žene bivaju kažnjeni na poslu kada zaplaču. Međutim, Lizi Volf je pokazala da, kada oblikujemo snažne emocije u strast, prezir prema našem plaču nestaje i kod muškaraca i žena.
I want to end with a few words from my late father that he spoke at my twin brother's wedding. Here's a picture of us. My dad was a psychologist like me, but his real love and his real passion was cinema, like my brother. And so he wrote a speech for my brother's wedding about the roles we play in the human comedy.
Želim da završim sa par reči mog pokojnog oca na venčanju mog brata blizanca. Evo nas trojice na slici. Moj tata je bio psiholog, kao i ja, ali je njegova prava ljubav i strast bio bioskop, kao i kod mog brata. I tako je napisao govor za venčanje mog brata o ulogama koje igramo u ljudskoj komediji.
And he said, "The lighter your touch, the better you become at improving and enriching your performance. Those who embrace their roles and work to improve their performance grow, change and expand the self. Play it well, and your days will be mostly joyful."
Rekao je: „Što je nežniji tvoj dodir, bićeš bolji u unapređenju i obogaćivanju svog nastupa. Oni koji prigrle svoje uloge i rade na unapređivanju svog nastupa, rastu, menjaju se i šire sebe. Odigraj dobro, i tvoji dani biće ispunjeni radošću.“
What my dad was saying is that we've all been assigned ranges and roles in this world. But he was also saying the essence of this talk: those roles and ranges are constantly expanding and evolving.
Ono što je moj tata mislio je da su nam svima pripisane granice i uloge na ovom svetu. Ali je takođe rekao i suštinu ovog govora: ove uloge i okviri se stalno šire i razvijaju.
So when a scene calls for it, be a ferocious mama bear and a humble advice seeker. Have excellent evidence and strong allies. Be a passionate perspective taker. And if you use those tools -- and each and every one of you can use these tools -- you will expand your range of acceptable behavior, and your days will be mostly joyful.
Tako da kada to scena zahteva, budite i razjarena lavica i neko ko ponizno traži savet. Imajte odlične dokaze i moćne saveznike. Strastveno se stavljajte u tuđu perspektivu. I ako koristite ove alate - a svako od vas to može - prevazići ćete svoje granice prihvatljivog ponašanja, i dani će vam biti ispunjeni radošću.
Thank you.
Hvala vam.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)